The enemy never lets up. He struck me hard tonight. Extremely hard.

I couldn’t smile. Couldn’t laugh. All I could do was stand there, my eyes vacant and empty, and though to outsiders it may have looked like I was zoning out, the truth is a million screams and shrieks and cries were going through my head with every passing moment. I stood in the coffee shop, surrounded by people, but I felt so utterly alone. I felt tears brimming behind my eyes, so I escaped outside. I ran into Jessie, and I told her I was leaving; she asked why, and I confessed that I wasn’t feeling too good. I told her, “I have to leave, or I’m just going to start crying.”

She looked confused. “What are you talking about?”

I replied after a moment, “Because I’m so sad and unhappy, and I feel like my life is a waste and no one really genuinely cares.”

“I care,” she said. “Please, tell me what’s bugging you the most.”

“It’s not really just one thing. It’s lots of things piled together.”

Compassionately, “Tell me.”

I told her, “Everything I want, I can’t have. Everything I have is taken away. And happiness is as empty as the stars and as fleeting as the spring rains.”

Obviously confused, she asked, “What all is going on?”

A sigh. “I just… I just want to be happy.”

“What’s making you unhappy?”

“I want to love and be loved, but every time I find it or get close to it it’s taken away or becomes a lie.”

“What brought these thoughts up?”

“Everything going on with a girl I like… and with Courtney.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want to be with this girl, but I’m afraid it will never happen. Courtney is with another boy, and I’m okay with that, but the fact is, the moment I realized I loved her and didn’t want to be with anyone else ever, the damage was done and the sentence was passed: we were over.”

It doesn’t look like I’m going to be with the girl whom I want to be with. It sucks, but I’d rather know that’s the case than continue stumbling around in blindness. She kept me in the dark about things, and that upsets me, but at least now I know what’s going on. I just feel like I’m in a glass jar or a plastic bubble, seeing everyone living out their dreams, and being stuck in place left only with regret, shame, and the inability to move. I am trying to move forward. I really am. I am making changes, and perhaps this is why the enemy is striking me so hard: he doesn’t want those changes to take place. The truth is, though, Courtney—not Julie—was my first love. She was the only girl I could ever see myself being with for a really long time. She meant everything to me. But I was stupid. I made stupid decisions, and I have to live with that. I’m a stupid creature sometimes; hell, most of the time. But I learned and I’m trying to move forward… It’s just so damned hard, especially when the enemy does everything he can to stop you.

P.S. To all girls out there: don't lead someone on for a month if you're not sure if you like them or not. It's totally uncool.