my mind sprints

So many thoughts have been consuming my mind…

Simplicity. This has been on my mind a lot lately (hence the post a few days ago). I find myself overwhelmed with the complexities of life, and I am seeking an escape. When I was in high school, life was simple: go to school, go to work, hang out with friends, and fall asleep while reading a good book. College came and every year has been drenched with multiple layers of complexities wrapping around and forming on top of one another. It’s impossible to escape! My mind is cluttered, my life is cluttered, my existence is cluttered. I am always sprinting yet going nowhere. I truly want to simplify my life. “But what does simple living means? How can I live a simple life? What steps should I take?” I have been doing research online and in books (Richard Foster’s Celebration of Discipline).

“How Life Can Turn…” The other day I was cruising through facebook (an internet community service designed especially for college students) and came across Courtney’s boyfriend’s profile. Courtney had written on his wall, “I think you are amazing.” It spurred a thought through my mind: “How interesting it is that life twists and turns and those things we once told to one person are being told to another with absolute sincerity.” There was a day when Courtney would look into my eyes and whisper, “You’re amazing… Everything about you is so amazing…” Now she is saying that to someone else. And is she alone? No. For there is a girl whom I think is amazing, a girl whom I like, and a girl I want to be with. She knows I like her, and she’s trying to figure out if she likes me. It just goes to show that life does turn, that I am saying to a girl other than Courtney, “You are amazing.” I once told Sonja she was amazing; and then Julie; and then Jessica; and then Courtney. And now another girl. It’s just… I don’t know… weird how our affections can move person-to-person, to entirely different scenery and transformed circumstances.

My Future. As mentioned in the above paragraph, a certain girl has come into my life. I’ve liked her for about two weeks, and she *might* like me. Current circumstances, however, forbid us being together. It’s difficult to explain, so I’m not going to. In the end, I am faced with a decision: I can either hold onto hope that we will eventually be together, or I can quench my affections for her and move on. With option A, there is the risk of hurt; with option B, there is the risk of missing out on something beautiful. I told the girl, “I’m torn between what I should do. I like you, and I want to be with you, but right now I know that’s not possible… And the future is so unclear, unable to be seen… And while part of me has a good feeling about ‘us’, the other part doesn’t.” I asked her what I should do, and she said, “I wouldn’t give up hope. I’d hold onto hope.” But hope, for me, is so painful. I’ve likened hope to barbed wire, and the tighter I wrap my hands around it, the more I bleed and hurt; yet at the same time, I am a mysterious and strange creature, unwilling to give up hope until there is no hope that the hope of hope exists. But I do like this girl. She is an amazing, godly person, with a good head on her shoulders. I can’t deny that my heart leans towards her. I can’t deny what I feel going on beneath the surface of my blue eyes. I think I will hold onto hope… even though it hurts at times.

School. And the usual consumption of my mind when it comes to my junior year of college. A friend and I were sitting at the bar in the coffee shop, talking about our classes. I said, “I’m probably going to be a 2-year senior. Not because I’m lazy, but because I don’t like taking a bunch of classes and then doing minimal work for them. I’m here to learn… Plus, I am thinking about taking Hebrew or Greek, and I’d need two years to do that.” I’m not at all opposed to an extra year of school. In fact, I think (in a lot of ways), it is wiser. After all, while I am at college to get a degree, I also want to learn something. I pay more attention to my classes than most people do. I love learning, and I want to experience as much of it as possible.

I’m at home for the weekend.
I am watching episodes of “The Office…”
But I should actually be working on some papers I have due:
“Modern Interpretations of The Gospel of Luke”
“Eschatology in 1 Corinthians.”
“The Use and Role of Rhetoric in 1 Corinthians 1-2”
“Queer Midrash and Queer Theory”