“We’re moving forward, but holding ourselves back, and we’re waiting on something that will never come.”

- Straylight Run

Those lyrics seem to be the epiphany of my life. They always play over and over in my head, a haunting sonnet that never leaves me, even in the night. For so long I let them consume me, let them guide my every move, direct my every step, but I have come to realize that this shallow existent falls short of my potential. I can be so much more. I have been disappointed and broken, my heart has been stomped-on, smashed with a sledgehammer, and I have been left bleeding and crying on cold, dark, rainy street corners for far too long… How come I never thought to myself, “Why don’t I just get up and walk away from it all?” I’m not talking about resignation; I’m talking about the exact opposite, actually. I can look at my failures and my pitfalls and my screw-ups and the great sins of my past, and I can let them take root and hold me into a place of cynicism, despair, shame and regret; or I can shake off those chains, free myself from the burden, and walk forward, embracing whatever comes. Life is full of suffering… But there is joy to be found as well. I may have met my fair share of dead-ends, empty alleys, and dark dungeons, but I don’t have to stay there. So I’m going to stop sitting on that rainy street corner, I’m going to pick up my feet, and I’m going to walk. At first, it will be hard. Painful, even… For I have known that street corner for nearly two years now, and it’s all that I know. But I dare to believe that though darkness has come, a dawn is coming; and though I believe that the dawn certainly is coming—I believe this with all my heart—, I am haunted by a question: “How long?” The idea of dawn not coming for a long time frightens me. But I know that if I just sit on that street corner, it may never come.

God doesn’t want me to sit on that street corner. He isn’t pleased when I dwell on my mistakes. He gets no joy out of my suffering. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to get moving. He’ll help me, I think. No, I know He will help me. I’m not going to be able to walk away from that street corner in an instant. First, I need to pick myself up. I’ve already done that. Now I need to put one step in front of the other, baby steps… And I know what these steps include. All will be hard, some harder than others, but all are necessary. I have become engrained in habits and tendencies that need to be tossed. “Trying” won’t cut it. I need to train myself for this journey, and at first it will seem like I am a 900-pound lethargic fat man running a marathon. But I will get better. I will be victorious. It won’t be easy, but I know it has to be done.

There is a dawn approaching… And I’m going to start walking towards it.