journal entry - 1.9.12

I've got my head in the clouds half the time, spinning fantasies and hypothetical ventures rather than facing reality as it is. I play the part of the ostrich and get lost in these foolish fantasies, and I invest time and energy into the delusions. Like a desert wanderer parched for thirst and straying off-course towards a shimmering mirage that never draws nearer, so I invest myself into the fantasies at the expense of real life around me. Lying at the heart of this, I think, is the knowledge of my restlessness and emptiness, and for some reason I believe that if I could uproot and do things differently, that would bring about some sort of rescue and renewal.

The truth is that I feel stretched thin. It's not restoration I seek--for being restored to a previous state would be no better than the current--but rejuvenation. I want the discontent and lifelessness to be swept away. I want passion and vigor and hope to be mine yet again. And more than that, I want to be lifted from this present state and thrust into a newer and better one. Really, I want movement. I want to "keep on keepin' on", and getting lost in fairy-tales of my own wine-drunk concoction isn't moving forward. It's stagnation. This fantasy of mine, it's like the crack addict's drug, something embraced to "close out" the dark nature of things. Buying into this fantasy, pursuing this fantasy, investing in this fantasy, is no different than the crack-addict's drive to escape reality. Doing this for a long while draws tears and stitches across the heart, and if there's no intervention, I could become just as self-pitying and useless as the addict ten steps (or should we say 12?) from an O.D. 

This fantasy--something sketched out in countless journal entries, something immaculately imagined and spun like Shelob's web--is a symbol of what I want more than anything: rebirth. But if rebirth is what I'm seeking, then I must find it and pursue it where I'm at rather than getting lost in another world wholly of my own naive making. My life is here, not bundled up in fantastical delusions, and if I want change, I've got to act rather than letting life sweep me by as I parade around in my own head.