the 30th week

Isaac sporting off some coffee

Monday. I opened like I always do and spent the afternoon watching Game of Thrones. Finished Season One! It’s such a fantastic show, I suspect I’ll watch all three seasons fairly quickly. After a quick hop at the Loth House, I rounded out the night chilling in the living room watching Isaac play Prince of Persia.

Tuesday. Mo and I talked today. She says she has only good memories of us, that she’ll never forget me. “I loved you, Anth. I really, truly did.” She only saw the good in me, and I broke up with her in an attempt to be with someone who could only see my flaws. I think of Mo often, all the good times we had, even the bad shit we went through, and I miss her, I really do. More often than not I question my decision back in February. She’s moved on, is happy with someone else, and I’m realizing I gave up the best woman I’ve ever been with. She did what no one else has done: she loved me, even loved all my little quirks and oddities. I fear one day I’ll be forty, childless, and alone; and that I’ll look back on these days knowing I could’ve had all I wanted, a loving wife, a family, and I gave it up for an illusion.

Wednesday. Some days are good. Others aren’t so good. I spent the evening alone, the night drawing over me, and then came the sadness, the hopelessness, the despair. All around me, it seems, people are falling in love, getting married, starting families. This is what I want and pray for more than anything, and I can’t help but feel like it’s some sort of cruel joke, God pairing a heart like mine to the body I’ve been given. Short, pudgy, pale-skinned and awkward. Women want a man and I look like an Inuit boy. No one’s into that. In a world flooded with dark-skinned, stone-chiseled, tall men, I’m never first choice. I’m what women go for when they’re either desperate or out of options. No matter that I’m a damned good guy who treats women right; never mind that I don’t manipulate or take advantage of women. What matters, what REALLY matters, is physical appearance. Why else would women choose jackasses if not because the sex is hot? Of course, such thoughts must be balanced: for some reason Mo fell in love with me, and for some reason she thought I was super sexy. Some women DO see value in me despite my inability to live up to culture’s standards for sexuality and masculinity. All I can do is hope and pray that one of these rare sorts of women will come to love me like Mo did, and that I’ll love her, too, and build a family with her. This is my dream and I can’t give it up.

Independence Day. I had the day off work for the 4^th, so I spent the afternoon reading, writing, chilling with Isaac, and playing Birds of Steel. I read a lot about World War 2 in Russia: the Russian victory at Leningrad and Stalingrad, Kursk and Kharkov. I went over to Amos’ for a bit and scratched Independence Day plans with Eric and Tiffany: rain fell all day, the roads flooded, and I was just happy to get home in one piece. My evening consisted of hanging out with Blake and Traci, drinking scotch out of the bottle with Isaac and T.J., and watching fireworks off our balcony (they were shooting them off from Waterworks Park).

Friday. I worked 6:30-Noon, spent the afternoon reading about various “home fronts” in World War 2, and after a stint at The Anchor I met up with the Monday Nights crew (minus Isaac, Andy, Blake and Traci… So really only half the Monday Nights crew), plus some friends of John, plus Frank & Rebecca, at a house in Clifton for a night of Texas Hold ‘Em poker. The house was gorgeous, absolutely beautiful, set off from the road and nestled in the woods. It belongs to a brain surgeon and his psychoanalyst wife. We drank beers and shared Cuban cigars John & Brandy brought home from their honeymoon in the Dominican. I got home around midnight but couldn’t sleep, so I was up until 2 AM playing Birds of Steel and drinking scotch.

Saturday. I hold onto things too much, especially people. I held onto my friendship with Jessica and Carly way past its due. I held onto Mandy K. and sabotaged things with Mo. Now I hold onto Mo despite the fact that she’s happy with someone else. It may be an introverted thing, but I hate the transcience of friendships, how you can expose yourself so deeply, taste true and genuine human connection, only for it to blow away in an off-kilter breath. When people outgrow you, or pull away from you, or decide life would be better without you in it, that sucks. The best thing to do is delete such people out of your life, if only because it’s best for you and it honors their wishes.

Sunday. I went to The Anchor for a bit before church at U.C.C., and then I swung by Amos’ house and hung out with him for most of the day. Come evening an old friend, Lea, asked me to come over, so I headed over to her place and we caught up. It was good. Now I’m going to put this pen down, crawl into bed, and let this week be over. It’s been a long one, full of too much thinking and observing.