from blue ash (II)

snowstorm!

I was going to go to the Young Adult group at U.C.C. Thursday night, but what with the winter storm warning and my car being the kind of car she is, I decided against it. One of the things that has held me back is my fear of being in a social setting where no one likes me, a fear grounded in an irrational conviction that everyone will dislike me, see me as an intruder, wish me away. That's definitely some baggage from my early high school years, when I sat alone at lunch and had to hide behind a pillar in the lunchroom so that Mom, who worked in the cafeteria, wouldn't see me sitting by myself. Those early years of having no friends and not fitting in remain with me at least in subconscious thought, despite the fact that I live surrounded by close and meaningful relationships.

It's funny, thinking back to my high school days. I never considered myself popular, was convinced I was the opposite of "popular," but it turns out that I was popular. I wasn't part of any clique, I was content with my close circle of church friends, but people liked me because I was genuinely warm and kind-hearted. Mo told me way-back-when, "You're great at making friends," and I just laughed. But the truth is that I am good at making friends, I just don't practice it. Why? Simple: it's a mix of irrational fear and genuine apathy. I'm the sort who prefers a close-knit group of friends who are like brothers and sisters rather than a gauntlet of superficial friendships that are more like acquaintances than anything else. In high school I spent all my years with the same people: Dylan and Tyler, Chris Lee, Pat and Hank, Ashlie and Ams. That was our group. Now, nine years later, it's a different group: John and Brandy, Corey and Mandy, Amos and Blake, Hot Sauce Waugh, and (consistently) Ams. I've found that if I stretch myself too thin with friendships, I become exhausted; part of it is that I pour myself into those relationships I do have (to the best of my ability; working 50-60 hours a week plays havoc on quality time with friends), and I only have so much energy. That's one of the reasons I found myself so drained during my internship in Minnesota: the pastor's expected to constantly socialize throughout the week at church gatherings and peoples' houses, and the whole time I just ached to get alone in the woods and just... breathe.