hello dearest love

We sat on the park bench in the twilight, and leaves whispered back and forth amidst our feet and fell in spiraling arcs from the trees as the wind picked up with night's advance. We wrapped our jackets tighter around us and sat looking at one another, our eyes engulfing one another, and the moment broke as a baby turtle started crawling from underneath the bench, shuffling amongst the leaves. She shouted, Take a picture! so I pulled got up and pulled out my camera and took several pictures before it scurried to a tree and sprinted up the bark and disappeared into the limbs, quick as a squirrel. By now dark had completely overtaken the park and the cobblestone path and the worn bench engraved with the initials of lost lovers. I went and sat down beside her, and as the dark encroached in an even thicker manner, she said that she wished to head back to the lodge. We got up and walked down the path and the leaves continued their dance about our feet, and she wrapped her arm around my back and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, and the moon smiled above us.

And then I woke up and realized it was a dream and was quite sad.

Your love, it means so much.
A simple ring, your fingers touch.
Break away, break away.
Your smile faints, and light shines through.
Plan it truth, it is too soon to ignore.

She's not here, standing clear,
In front of you: it's just a dream.

Time's up, she's gone away.
You had your time, but it won't stay.
No, not this time, not this time.

But she's the One,
Bright as the sun.
Stops you there,
Right on the stairs,
When stars are black,
Stripes on fire, Stripes on fire.

The Blind Lemon Excursion

Sarah and I went to The Blind Lemon in Mount Adams last night. I got a coffee with Bailey's and milk, and she got a hot cider spiked with vanilla liquor. She didn't like hers, so I traded her; she really liked the Bailey's. We sat and talked and laughed and spoke about many things, some deep and personal and transcendental, and others nothing more than goofy jokes. We went out onto the bar patio and took lots of pictures in various poses, and then we walked around Mount Adams in the twilight, visiting various bars and then going to the Holy Immaculata Church and standing on the steps and looking out over the city. We got back home and ate dinner and watched television and did pilates and a hip-hop dance that I just couldn't perform. Sarah was laughing hysterically as she watched me try to keep up with the trainer. Here is a picture of the two of us we took out on the patio:

Today we woke at 6:30 before she had to go to work, and we did more pilates and I did some strength-training. She headed off to work after our breakfast of oatmeal, and then I went to the Hilltop Cafe and got a coffee withs soy-milk creamer, and here I am at 8:17 waiting for 9:30 to roll around so I can go into work and actually do something productive. Tomorrow Sarah and I are going to her aunt and uncle's house in Wilmington, and on Friday we are going to go to the Hoffborough House in Newport and have beers with pretzels and cheese, and then we'll probably walk up and down the various streets and visit the bookstore. On Saturday I am going to the wedding of two great high school friends, Hank (real name Patrick) and Ashlie (pseudoname "Peanut-Head"). All in all, this is shaping up to be a good week. Now if only I could get some homework done... Wait! I'll have a week off for Thanksgiving with nothing to do except for being stuck in this mangy house. I'll hammer out all my papers then. Sound good? Good.

Tazamia!

Mandy and I went to her husband Rob's coffee shop. She got a latte and a scone, and I got a latte and a bagel with cream cheese. We sat and talked and laughed about many things, conversed about school and those things that get underneath our skin. It is a wonderful coffee shop, and their espresso is fabulous. Their regular drip coffee, however, is brewed too dark, and is about as tasteless as Starbucks. Mandy and I both hate Starbucks coffee. I have a friend who is a manager at a Starbucks, and she loves getting drinks at the Hilltop because we have good espresso. Here is a pic of Mandy and me at the coffee shop:

Today I have class 12:30-4:00, and either beforehand or after I will be doing my workout, probably do the following tunes repeated over and over: "Europe: The Final Countdown," "2Unlimited: Get Ready for This," and "Cascada: Every Time We Touch." I like the beats and it keeps me going. I told my friend Jess today, "I used to HATE working out, I used to dread it, but now I look forward to it. It's the highlight of my day." Later Sarah and I may go to The Blind Lemon, get some delicious hot chocolate or such. Tomorrow I may hang out with my friend Amos, and Thursday Sarah and I are going up to her aunt and uncle's house to spend time with the family and to do our third-week weigh-in. Hopefully the five pounds I gained will be shredded by then! If we lose the contest, Sarah and I have to babysit their kids for a night while they go on an overnight date. If they lose, they come down to Cincinnati and we all go to the Festival of Lights at the Cincinnati Zoo. Honestly, whoever wins, I win: because I'll enjoy both.

C.S. Lewis: "A Grief Observed"

Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be--or so it feels--welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. (C.S. Lewis)

Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand." (C.S. Lewis)

Sometimes, Lord, one is tempted to say that if you wanted us to behave like the lilies of the field you might have given us an organization more like theirs. But that, I suppose, is just your grand experiment. Or no; not an experiment, for you have no need to find things out. Rather your grand enterprise. To make an organism which is also a spirit; to make that terrible oxymoron, a "spiritual animal." To take a poor primate, a beast with nerve-ending all over it, a creature with a stomach that wants to be filled, a breeding animal that wants its mate, and say, "Now get on with it. Become a god." (C.S. Lewis)

the lehman house [27]

Rob at Tazza Mia

Monday. Ams told me, “You’re spending too much time with Sarah.” So I called Sarah at work and said, “If you ever get annoyed by my presence or just want time alone, just let me know.” She replied, “Oh, you haven’t annoyed me yet!” When she got home we made chicken for dinner and walked out for an hour. We went down to her room before bed and talked about shit that has happened to us in our past and how it still fucks with our lives.

Tuesday. I woke at 7:20 and fixed breakfast for Sarah. Mandy and I went and visited Rob at his second job: Tazza Mia! I had a bagel and a latte. Mandy said, “I’m sure Sarah notices that you like her. She’d have to be blind to not even suspect it.” I decided to come up with a “battle plan” to woo Sarah’s heart. I emailed it to Mandy and she said it looked good. “Anthony, I love you a bunch, and you’re a great guy, and if Sarah doesn’t appreciate that and take what you’re offering, then she’s just dumb and screwing herself over.” All that I’ve been doing with Sarah—working my ass off serving and sacrificing for her, waking up early before work to make her breakfast, doing her dishes and fixing her dinner—makes me think she MUST suspect something. I told Julie B. about it all, and she remarked, “And she hasn’t caught on?! That’s weird.” Maybe she just thinks I’m being really nice? Maybe she suspects it and is saying nothing, just accepting my service? When Sarah came home from work, we went to The Blind Lemon in Mount Adams. Had drinks and took pictures and talked. We went out onto the patio and took funny pictures. She didn’t like her drink and neither did I; but she liked mine so I lied and said I liked hers, and we switched. We walked around Mount Adams for a while, visiting bars and the Holy Immaculata, and she said, “I’d love to get married here.” We went back home and we ate dinner and watched TV and she sat beside me and our legs touched. We did a dance video and she playfully slapped my shoulder then took my hand to show me how to dance. I told Mandy about it, and she said, “Wow, that’s DEFINITELY flirting!” She thinks I should just randomly kiss her. I think that’s a bad idea: I thought she was flirting back in 2007 and I was wrong.

Wednesday. Sarah and I got up around 6:30 to do morning pilates before she went to work. I got a coffee from the Hilltop and worked out some more before my 9:30-1:00 shift with Rob, Nate, and Matt. Ams’ car is broken down, a dead battery, so she’s using mine today and tomorrow for work and school. I napped until 5:30, my dreams fraught with images of Sarah. I dreamt she read my journals, discovered my feelings for her, and was appalled. I dreamt she and Keith got back together, and I was appalled. Dad came down to work on Ams’ battery. Sarah came home from her brother’s house and I told her about how Courtney came into the coffee shop today, how he chitchatted, how I told Rob, “She was the first girl, the only girl, I’ve ever loved, and I lost my virginity to her, and now she’s married to someone else, and it’s weird.” I was sad when I went to bed. Where has God gone? Has he abandoned me? Is it not enough to be genetically miserable most days? Why must my suffering be increased by broken dreams flaunted before my eyes? All I’ve ever wanted is to love and be loved; why has this been denied, and why have I been teased with glimpses and tastes? I pray for deliverance and am met with an impenetrable silence begging the question, “Why pray? Why seek God’s help? Why pray when he won’t help? Why pray when he doesn’t seem to listen? Why pursue a life of honoring God when he has seemingly abandoned you? Why seek to fall in love with the One who is deaf to your cries and blind to your tears?” I have wept and screamed and mutilated myself. I’ve cried out to God AGAIN & AGAIN, never receiving anything but silence. I’ve pounded my fists on God’s door, so hard that they’ve literally bled, and it seems as if he’s standing inside the door with no intention of opening it. I can’t help but wonder if he’s sleeping. But I continue to pray, I continue to pound, and I continue because I still have hope. Hope that God will intervene and show me mercy, grant me grace, peace, and joy. It’s this hope in God that keeps me going.

Thursday. I had a nasty headache all afternoon and slept through all my classes. Sarah and I went up to Wilmington to visit her family, eat dinner, and weigh in for our nine-month challenge. I’m at 186 pounds. 10 pounds lost! On our way back home Sarah confessed to how she’s always stacking herself up against her cousin Rachel and feeling far less than beautiful. I told her that I find her more attractive than Rachel, and she teared up, said, “I like hearing that.” Oh: she mentioned to Tina & Jeff how great I’ve been lately.

Friday. I spent the morning in the Hilltop, drinking a latte and working on Hebrew. Jessie and I went to Wal-Mart and Target and we ran into Tim J., Sarah B. and David B. with his girlfriend Sarah. Confusing, I know. I dropped Jessie off at school and returned home. I went to Nate’s for a bit. He had a bonfire going. I joined him and Kirby, Blake and Amos around the fire. Sarah came home from work and I picked her up and we went to the Hoffbrauhaus. It was crowded, so we left and perused Barnes & Noble. We went and saw a movie with her friends Dustin and Jackie.

Saturday. I woke and headed straight to Dayton. Mom still talks to Genna, says Genna asks about me a lot. Mom, Ams and I grabbed lunch at the Dayton Mall food court, and I got a nice shirt for the wedding. Mike B. officiated the wedding, and the reception was great. It was good to see Pat and Ashlie hitched, and it was just as good to laugh with Dewenter and Chris, just like old times. At the wedding and reception, I kept imagining Sarah and me together, and it was sad because it will never be. I headed back to Cincinnati around eleven, and Sarah needed a ride from a bar in Clifton so I headed over. The place was called The Holy Grail. Sarah was drunk and with her friend David from work, and they were flirting hardcore. It KILLED me. I grabbed a cigarette and went outside and stood/crouched behind a dumpster and didn’t fight the tears. They came in an avalanche, and I prayed many things, mostly, “God, HELP ME.” I couldn’t stop crying, had to sit down in the dirt because my knees grew weak. I want this to be over, this emotional hell; now even the days with Genna look good. I wondered aloud if God was keeping Sarah from liking me to protect her from me, to spare her from being with someone so fucked up as myself.

Sunday. Sarah was hung over all day. We went and picked up her car from a parking garage in Clifton. She went to her mom’s house in Hamilton, and I went to the Hilltop to hang out with Jessie. I told her about how this morning I walked in on Sarah in nothing but her underwear, how it really pissed her off. I told her, also, that I’m considering telling Sarah how I feel. “Really? Is it worth the risk?” I don’t know. Mandy helped me piece together what to say if I decide to eviscerate myself before her. Ams warns me against it. That’s only fair: eviscerations don’t tend to work out too well.

Weigh-In #1: 2 Weeks, 5 Days

On November 3, tomorrow, it will have been two weeks since Sarah and I entered a weight-loss competition with her Uncle Jeff and Aunt Tina. We've been eating really well--fruits, vegetables, whole grains, grilled chicken and fish--and have been exercising daily (though I've been doing much better than Sarah; but she has little-to-nothing to lose, quite unlike me). On Friday I weighed myself, and I've lost... uh-oh. Gained five pounds. Yikes! It freaked me out, but then I realized that while I have been eating much healthier and exercising, the majority of my exercises have been strength-training. I'm sure I've lost fat, but I've been gaining muscle. And lots of it. When I take off my shirt, Sarah notices that I look skinner. My little sister noticed it, too. I took a picture two weeks ago, and I took a picture on Friday, and there is a difference (though minimal, to say the least). To increase the fat burning I have added more cardio onto my routine, mixed in with strength training, which is what works according to The Biggest Loser. Here are the pics (I will take a picture every one to two weeks to catalogue my progress) (the last one is the most recent):

the halloween party