the lehman house [27]

Rob at Tazza Mia

Monday. Ams told me, “You’re spending too much time with Sarah.” So I called Sarah at work and said, “If you ever get annoyed by my presence or just want time alone, just let me know.” She replied, “Oh, you haven’t annoyed me yet!” When she got home we made chicken for dinner and walked out for an hour. We went down to her room before bed and talked about shit that has happened to us in our past and how it still fucks with our lives.

Tuesday. I woke at 7:20 and fixed breakfast for Sarah. Mandy and I went and visited Rob at his second job: Tazza Mia! I had a bagel and a latte. Mandy said, “I’m sure Sarah notices that you like her. She’d have to be blind to not even suspect it.” I decided to come up with a “battle plan” to woo Sarah’s heart. I emailed it to Mandy and she said it looked good. “Anthony, I love you a bunch, and you’re a great guy, and if Sarah doesn’t appreciate that and take what you’re offering, then she’s just dumb and screwing herself over.” All that I’ve been doing with Sarah—working my ass off serving and sacrificing for her, waking up early before work to make her breakfast, doing her dishes and fixing her dinner—makes me think she MUST suspect something. I told Julie B. about it all, and she remarked, “And she hasn’t caught on?! That’s weird.” Maybe she just thinks I’m being really nice? Maybe she suspects it and is saying nothing, just accepting my service? When Sarah came home from work, we went to The Blind Lemon in Mount Adams. Had drinks and took pictures and talked. We went out onto the patio and took funny pictures. She didn’t like her drink and neither did I; but she liked mine so I lied and said I liked hers, and we switched. We walked around Mount Adams for a while, visiting bars and the Holy Immaculata, and she said, “I’d love to get married here.” We went back home and we ate dinner and watched TV and she sat beside me and our legs touched. We did a dance video and she playfully slapped my shoulder then took my hand to show me how to dance. I told Mandy about it, and she said, “Wow, that’s DEFINITELY flirting!” She thinks I should just randomly kiss her. I think that’s a bad idea: I thought she was flirting back in 2007 and I was wrong.

Wednesday. Sarah and I got up around 6:30 to do morning pilates before she went to work. I got a coffee from the Hilltop and worked out some more before my 9:30-1:00 shift with Rob, Nate, and Matt. Ams’ car is broken down, a dead battery, so she’s using mine today and tomorrow for work and school. I napped until 5:30, my dreams fraught with images of Sarah. I dreamt she read my journals, discovered my feelings for her, and was appalled. I dreamt she and Keith got back together, and I was appalled. Dad came down to work on Ams’ battery. Sarah came home from her brother’s house and I told her about how Courtney came into the coffee shop today, how he chitchatted, how I told Rob, “She was the first girl, the only girl, I’ve ever loved, and I lost my virginity to her, and now she’s married to someone else, and it’s weird.” I was sad when I went to bed. Where has God gone? Has he abandoned me? Is it not enough to be genetically miserable most days? Why must my suffering be increased by broken dreams flaunted before my eyes? All I’ve ever wanted is to love and be loved; why has this been denied, and why have I been teased with glimpses and tastes? I pray for deliverance and am met with an impenetrable silence begging the question, “Why pray? Why seek God’s help? Why pray when he won’t help? Why pray when he doesn’t seem to listen? Why pursue a life of honoring God when he has seemingly abandoned you? Why seek to fall in love with the One who is deaf to your cries and blind to your tears?” I have wept and screamed and mutilated myself. I’ve cried out to God AGAIN & AGAIN, never receiving anything but silence. I’ve pounded my fists on God’s door, so hard that they’ve literally bled, and it seems as if he’s standing inside the door with no intention of opening it. I can’t help but wonder if he’s sleeping. But I continue to pray, I continue to pound, and I continue because I still have hope. Hope that God will intervene and show me mercy, grant me grace, peace, and joy. It’s this hope in God that keeps me going.

Thursday. I had a nasty headache all afternoon and slept through all my classes. Sarah and I went up to Wilmington to visit her family, eat dinner, and weigh in for our nine-month challenge. I’m at 186 pounds. 10 pounds lost! On our way back home Sarah confessed to how she’s always stacking herself up against her cousin Rachel and feeling far less than beautiful. I told her that I find her more attractive than Rachel, and she teared up, said, “I like hearing that.” Oh: she mentioned to Tina & Jeff how great I’ve been lately.

Friday. I spent the morning in the Hilltop, drinking a latte and working on Hebrew. Jessie and I went to Wal-Mart and Target and we ran into Tim J., Sarah B. and David B. with his girlfriend Sarah. Confusing, I know. I dropped Jessie off at school and returned home. I went to Nate’s for a bit. He had a bonfire going. I joined him and Kirby, Blake and Amos around the fire. Sarah came home from work and I picked her up and we went to the Hoffbrauhaus. It was crowded, so we left and perused Barnes & Noble. We went and saw a movie with her friends Dustin and Jackie.

Saturday. I woke and headed straight to Dayton. Mom still talks to Genna, says Genna asks about me a lot. Mom, Ams and I grabbed lunch at the Dayton Mall food court, and I got a nice shirt for the wedding. Mike B. officiated the wedding, and the reception was great. It was good to see Pat and Ashlie hitched, and it was just as good to laugh with Dewenter and Chris, just like old times. At the wedding and reception, I kept imagining Sarah and me together, and it was sad because it will never be. I headed back to Cincinnati around eleven, and Sarah needed a ride from a bar in Clifton so I headed over. The place was called The Holy Grail. Sarah was drunk and with her friend David from work, and they were flirting hardcore. It KILLED me. I grabbed a cigarette and went outside and stood/crouched behind a dumpster and didn’t fight the tears. They came in an avalanche, and I prayed many things, mostly, “God, HELP ME.” I couldn’t stop crying, had to sit down in the dirt because my knees grew weak. I want this to be over, this emotional hell; now even the days with Genna look good. I wondered aloud if God was keeping Sarah from liking me to protect her from me, to spare her from being with someone so fucked up as myself.

Sunday. Sarah was hung over all day. We went and picked up her car from a parking garage in Clifton. She went to her mom’s house in Hamilton, and I went to the Hilltop to hang out with Jessie. I told her about how this morning I walked in on Sarah in nothing but her underwear, how it really pissed her off. I told her, also, that I’m considering telling Sarah how I feel. “Really? Is it worth the risk?” I don’t know. Mandy helped me piece together what to say if I decide to eviscerate myself before her. Ams warns me against it. That’s only fair: eviscerations don’t tend to work out too well.