the lehman house [29]

Monday. I worked 9:30-1:00 with Rob, Nate, and Matt. Julie B. told me, “I can really tell you’re losing weight!” When Sarah got home we went to Alms Park and took pictures. I was able to do a pull up, and easily! I headed up to Dayton to hang out with Blake, Amos, and Brandy Rae at Denny’s and then back at her place in Fairborn. We played a game that involved miniature trains and pretty much just laughed our asses off.

Tuesday. During breakfast Sarah said, “I’m jealous of Amanda. She always has guys pining all over her. That doesn’t happen to me.” I just shrugged. She wants boys to pine, but not boys like me. She said so to herself, and Ams told me. After classes I hung out with Jessie for a bit, Sarah went to see a show at the Aronoff with her mom (who loves me, by the way), and I went to the Hilltop to study. When Sarah and her mom returned, her mom saw a picture I had on the fridge, a poster detailing Sarah’s drunken phases. That made her a little upset, but we explained it as a joke.

Wednesday. I worked 9:30-1:00 and after classes Jobst came by for a bit. Sarah came home and we went to Kroger, and it was pouring rain, and she demanded I wait in the dryness as she got her car. We worked out and fixed dinner and she showered and came out and looked stunning with her wet hair draped over her shoulders.

Thursday. I’ve lost seventeen pounds since I started eating right and working out, and that’s just one month! I got depressed over not being with Sarah and skipped out on classes. Sarah commented on how sad she is that she has nothing to look forward to, and that made me sad, because I want her to look forward to us and to what we can be.

Friday. Sarah was in a good mood this morning, laughing and joking, different from her usual morning-weary self. I went to the Newport Aquarium and bought tickets for a surprise for Sarah. Nate called: he and Kirby got engaged. Sarah came home, and we got Panera Bread for dinner and then watched multiple episodes of “Gilmore Girls” in the basement. Ams came home and I got sad and went for a drive to Indiana and back. Sarah could tell I was upset. “I wish I liked you,” she said. “I would love to like you. But I can’t force it.” She just told me to keep being myself, not to get weird. And who am I? Just a pathetic boy who isn’t good enough “as I am” for her. Ams told me, “Don’t ever bring up you liking her. She told you how she feels. She won’t changed her mind.” My life has been marked by two things; no, three: depression, regret, and disappointment. Sadness consumes me. Regret for my foolishness plagues me. And disappointment bitch-slaps me across the face again and again. Julie: a disappointment. Courtney: a disappointment. Karen: a disappointment. And Sarah: a disappointment. Life teaches me not to hope, not to believe in fairytales. Where am I to go? To a God who ignores me, who seemingly has it out to get me? It’s nearly impossible to trust in God, to hope in God, when it seems he doesn’t give a damn and never will.

Saturday. I watched “Mars Attacks,” showered, and went to Thai Taste with Sa-Rah. I had a summer roll and it was phenomenal. I took her to Wal-Mart and then back to her dorm. I told Sarah before we went to the Aquarium, “I’ll tell you if I stop liking you, and it’d be cool if you told me if you start liking me or if you start liking someone else and want to date them. It’d suck, but it’d suck more to find out later down the road.” She’s cool with that. So we went to the Aquarium and she really liked it, and we ate at the Irish Pub for dinner. Her treat. She went to Catherine’s when we got home, and I played chess. Ams’ friend Roman, some Russian chap, came over, and when Sarah got home they watched “Twilight.”

Sunday. Sarah and I ate breakfast, and she went to her brother’s and I went to Vineyard Westside with Rob, Mandy, Nate and Kirby. The sermon was on Sex & Marriage. The speaker said, “I went through a divorce, womanized, repented, and God brought me a wife.” Hartman, Matt and Rachel joined all of us for lunch at Price Hill Chili. When Sarah returned from her brother’s, we joined Ams & Chris and saw the movie “New Moon.” Not a big fan. Neither was Chris. But Ams and Sarah loved it.