here we go again...

Today is the day that I confess my feelings for one of my friends. It will surely be an experience to remember. Mandy H. helped me figure out how to say what I want to say, and she seems pretty confident that I can say it well. I'm pretty sure the girl I'm talking to has no idea that I have feelings for her, though having talked to a select few friends about this, they seem to think that she should at least have a clue. I've been dropping hints right and left, and, in the words of Julie, "She'd have to be dumb not to suspect something." Mandy K. agreed. But who knows? Once you enter that awful "friend zone," you interpret things differently. Maybe she's interpreted all of my clues as me simply being nice and gentlemanly? It doesn't matter at this point. In about an hour, the bomb will be dropped, and I pray to God that I will not be left alone just to scavenge the pieces. Our friendship means so much to me, and I wish there was a way I could get through this without having to risk the friendship, but sometimes risk is the only option. I once said, back in 2006, "If we let risk dictate our lives, then we risk missing out on something beautiful. Either decision I make is risking something: risking a friendship or risking something more. You won't know what it is you've risked until that time comes, and it's only in hindsight that we can make decisions free from the murkiness of the present." By this time tomorrow, I will know the extent of the damage. In my deepest heart, I hope that the damage is nothing, that she likes me back; but there is no logical reason to suspect this, and so I am forced to face reality and just long for minimal damage: that the friendship won't be ruined.