Regarding Sarah, I won't write much anymore. I've decided to do this because the past two weeks have been proliferated with rants and ravings regarding this, and I don't want to beat a dead horse. I like her. She doesn't like me. We'd be great together in so many ways--but chemistry is not something you force. While it will undoubtedly suck if she ends up dating another toolbag, that's not my responsibility. I threw out the opportunity, she rejected it. End of story. Unless her heart turns towards me, the end result is this: I lose my feelings for her, I fall for another girl, I offer her the same opportunity. She will either embrace it or reject it (either initially or over the course of time); if rejection is experienced, then the cycle will continue, hopefully to be puncuated at last by a fortunate twist of fortune. As of right now, I still like Sarah; I still imagine what it would be like to be with her, and it makes me sad. She's a great and wonderful girl, and I wish she were mine. But I'm not going to pine after her, I'm not going to grovel at her feet. If she won't take what I'm offering, there's no guilt on my platter. Maybe she'll regret it. Maybe she won't. It doesn't matter. My life continues. Just as it continued after all the girls I've dated (Sonja, Julie, Jessica, Courtney, Karen, Genna), and just as it continued after all the girls I fell for and who rejected my offer (Kristen, Ashley, Monica, Mandy, and now Sarah), life goes on. I'll get over Sarah. I'll spend some time in limbo. Then I'll fall for someone else. Now, if Sarah falls for me and I still like her, then great; but it would suck if she fell for me and by that time I didn't want to be with her (this happened to my little sister and her friend Nathan; it sucked for both of them). The point of all this is: life goes on, and I will go on. I wasted two months pining after her, and she didn't even realize it. I will waste no more.
Gambill and I stood in the line at Chipotle, and I told him, "I really like Sarah. I haven't liked someone this much since Courtney. But she doesn't like me back. And part of me wants to keep hoping and hoping that if I surround her with myself, if I show her blatantly what we could be, that her heart would turn towards me. But another part of me realizes this is stupid, because I've done it again and again with different girls and just ended up hurt. So I'm going to give up on her. I'm not giving up on hope, just giving up on her. I still like her, and I'm sure I will for quite some time, especially since I'm living with her. And while I'm giving up on Sarah, I'm not giving up on hope. I'm placing my hope in God. If He wants me to be with Sarah, then it will happen--I pray His will be done. If He doesn't want me to be with Sarah, then it won't happen--I pray His will be done. In the end, I just have to trust in a God who loves me, cares for me, and who wants the best for me. I'll put my hope in Him even when it feels as if He has abandoned me."
This abandonment of hope over Sarah has not been painful. In fact, it has been liberating. I feel as if I have been liberated from a fruitless hope and redeemed unto a faithful hope: from hope in a certain scenario that may or may not come to pass to a hope in a living, breathing, active God who is actively involved in my life and working behind-the-scenes in incomperable ways. I am falling asleep peacefully at night once again, and I feel a new strength and vigor running through my veins. This is a hope that is placed in something sure; a hope placed in God will not, ultimately, disappoint, even when life is Hell and existence is an ongoing nightmare. Rob once told me, "You're the most optimistic person I know." Perhaps I am returning to my roots?
Gambill and I stood in the line at Chipotle, and I told him, "I really like Sarah. I haven't liked someone this much since Courtney. But she doesn't like me back. And part of me wants to keep hoping and hoping that if I surround her with myself, if I show her blatantly what we could be, that her heart would turn towards me. But another part of me realizes this is stupid, because I've done it again and again with different girls and just ended up hurt. So I'm going to give up on her. I'm not giving up on hope, just giving up on her. I still like her, and I'm sure I will for quite some time, especially since I'm living with her. And while I'm giving up on Sarah, I'm not giving up on hope. I'm placing my hope in God. If He wants me to be with Sarah, then it will happen--I pray His will be done. If He doesn't want me to be with Sarah, then it won't happen--I pray His will be done. In the end, I just have to trust in a God who loves me, cares for me, and who wants the best for me. I'll put my hope in Him even when it feels as if He has abandoned me."
This abandonment of hope over Sarah has not been painful. In fact, it has been liberating. I feel as if I have been liberated from a fruitless hope and redeemed unto a faithful hope: from hope in a certain scenario that may or may not come to pass to a hope in a living, breathing, active God who is actively involved in my life and working behind-the-scenes in incomperable ways. I am falling asleep peacefully at night once again, and I feel a new strength and vigor running through my veins. This is a hope that is placed in something sure; a hope placed in God will not, ultimately, disappoint, even when life is Hell and existence is an ongoing nightmare. Rob once told me, "You're the most optimistic person I know." Perhaps I am returning to my roots?
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