I have decided what is the next step in this whole ordeal of liking this girl who doesn't like me back. I had initially made the decision a tug-of-war with the pros and cons each of either giving up hope in being with her or keeping hope, continuing to try to win her and woo her and make her see what we can be. Neither option seemed to give much promise, and as I did much thinking (and praying), I came to a third option: keep hoping and give up hope. Paradoxical? It seems that way at first, so let me explain.
I know that one of my God-ordained purposes in this life is to be a good husband. And when I say "good", I don't mean "mediocre," "average," "pretty good"; I mean "freaking spectacular." Over the last several years, through the course of life and the trials of suffering and the failed relationships, God has continuously been at work, molding and shaping me into the person I need to be in order to engage this purpose. I look back and I see how even the worst experiences shaped me to be more loving, serving, and sacrificial. I see how in every relationship I learned something vital. All this suffering is not God spiting me but God preparing me; it is not God saying, "I won't give you what you want," but, "I'm making you into the kind of person who can have what you want and live in such a manner that you don't spoil it." You may be asking, "How do you know it's one of your purposes?" A lot of people think their purpose in life is governed by their desires; thus because I desire to be a good husband, then it is my purpose. I'm not sure how I feel about that. The reason I know it is a purpose of mine is, because, quite frankly, God told me.
When it comes to God speaking to His children, there are two camps. The first camp says that God does it all the time, through signs and a still small voice and even through fortune cookies. The other camp says that God speaks only through the scriptures. I fall somewhere in the middle. I don't pray for signs, because generally that is a self-fulfilling prayer (if you want a sign, you will find one). Generally when looking for the will of God, I search the scriptures. Yet on December 15 of 2005, something extraordinary happened. I was miserable for a lot of reasons, and I was knee-deep in prayer, and as I was praying, God spoke to me in an audible yet inaudible voice; I remember hearing it and my heart stopping and the world slowing, and I remember just kneeling before my bed staring forward with wide eyes thinking, "Holy crap, God just spoke to me." A wave of peace washed over me, and I praised Him that day. Some would tell me that this was just something of my imagination, or too much pizza the night before, but those people weren't there. They didn't experience what I experienced. Here is what God told me:
Now how does this go back to the path I'm taking in regards to the girl I like? Simple: I am embracing hope and giving up hope. It isn't paradoxical, because the object in which hope is placed is different for both. I am embracing hope in God, and I am giving up hope in being with Sarah. Don't get me wrong, I still really, really like Sarah, and I wish we were together, and it makes me sad thinking about how we're not; but if God has someone certain for me, and that person is not Sarah, then I will not end up with Sarah. If it IS Sarah, then Sarah and I will end up together. Ultimately, my hope is placed in God: a hope that He will fulfill His promise to me, a hope that He will be faithful to His words in 2005 (nearly four years ago!). If Sarah's heart turns towards me, then great. If not, then that's okay, too. She may fit the bill for the kind of girl I am to be with, but if she's not the one God has in mind, then it won't work out. So I will place my hope in God and let the cards fall where they will.
I know that one of my God-ordained purposes in this life is to be a good husband. And when I say "good", I don't mean "mediocre," "average," "pretty good"; I mean "freaking spectacular." Over the last several years, through the course of life and the trials of suffering and the failed relationships, God has continuously been at work, molding and shaping me into the person I need to be in order to engage this purpose. I look back and I see how even the worst experiences shaped me to be more loving, serving, and sacrificial. I see how in every relationship I learned something vital. All this suffering is not God spiting me but God preparing me; it is not God saying, "I won't give you what you want," but, "I'm making you into the kind of person who can have what you want and live in such a manner that you don't spoil it." You may be asking, "How do you know it's one of your purposes?" A lot of people think their purpose in life is governed by their desires; thus because I desire to be a good husband, then it is my purpose. I'm not sure how I feel about that. The reason I know it is a purpose of mine is, because, quite frankly, God told me.
When it comes to God speaking to His children, there are two camps. The first camp says that God does it all the time, through signs and a still small voice and even through fortune cookies. The other camp says that God speaks only through the scriptures. I fall somewhere in the middle. I don't pray for signs, because generally that is a self-fulfilling prayer (if you want a sign, you will find one). Generally when looking for the will of God, I search the scriptures. Yet on December 15 of 2005, something extraordinary happened. I was miserable for a lot of reasons, and I was knee-deep in prayer, and as I was praying, God spoke to me in an audible yet inaudible voice; I remember hearing it and my heart stopping and the world slowing, and I remember just kneeling before my bed staring forward with wide eyes thinking, "Holy crap, God just spoke to me." A wave of peace washed over me, and I praised Him that day. Some would tell me that this was just something of my imagination, or too much pizza the night before, but those people weren't there. They didn't experience what I experienced. Here is what God told me:
I have given you these desires [to be a good husband] and for a reason. There is a girl, one of My children, who is hurting and aching. She desires true love and fears she will never find it. I have chosen you to be Me to her--to love her with a selfless, serving, and sacrificial love. I have a beautiful plan for you and for her. She will bring comfort and completion to your heart, and you will deliver comfort and completion to hers.I must admit that I find the concept of God having a "special someone" for everyone absolutely ridiculous. A simple observation of families without and even within the church will show this idea to be far-fetched, born out of fantasy. Yet the biblical narrative shows that sometimes God DOES choose spouses for His people (i.e. Isaac and Hosea), and I believe that for me, God has someone special out there. Those who know me most, if they read this, will no doubt be floored: "He actually BELIEVES that?!" But I cannot erase what God said to me, and I won't try to explain it. I've tried to explain it away because it makes me uncomfortable, but I can't. I was there. I know what it was like. It wasn't my imagination.
Now how does this go back to the path I'm taking in regards to the girl I like? Simple: I am embracing hope and giving up hope. It isn't paradoxical, because the object in which hope is placed is different for both. I am embracing hope in God, and I am giving up hope in being with Sarah. Don't get me wrong, I still really, really like Sarah, and I wish we were together, and it makes me sad thinking about how we're not; but if God has someone certain for me, and that person is not Sarah, then I will not end up with Sarah. If it IS Sarah, then Sarah and I will end up together. Ultimately, my hope is placed in God: a hope that He will fulfill His promise to me, a hope that He will be faithful to His words in 2005 (nearly four years ago!). If Sarah's heart turns towards me, then great. If not, then that's okay, too. She may fit the bill for the kind of girl I am to be with, but if she's not the one God has in mind, then it won't work out. So I will place my hope in God and let the cards fall where they will.
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