the lehman house [28]

Highlands Cafe in Clifton

Monday. Last night Sarah and I were talking, and I said, “I wonder what it’d be like if we’d dated and gotten married.” She said, “Probably the same as now, except we’d be having sex.” I didn’t fix breakfast for Sarah this morning, trying to distance myself for the inevitable crash & burn. I’ve decided to tell Sarah how I feel, and I pray that it’ll go well, that she’ll like me back or, at the least, my confession won’t ruin our friendship. I told Mandy about the things Sarah sometimes does, the flirty things. For instance, tonight she came out of the shower wrapped in her towel, and she rubbed against me and giggled before hurrying downstairs. “If she doesn’t like you,” Mandy said, “then she’s sending some pretty fucked up messages.”

Tuesday. Sarah and I went to Highlands Café in Clifton, and I broke the news. She said, “I’ve thought about what it’d be like to date you, and I know it’d be great. We have fun, we get along, we have the same sense of humor. But right now I don’t feel the same way you do.” We had good conversation and lots of laughs over the rest of dinner. She said she’s wanted to kiss me several times, and it meant a lot to her that I didn’t take advantage of her when I could’ve so many times. She doesn’t want to lose the friendship, and that’s what frightened me the most. “I’m glad we talked,” she said. “I feel closer to you now, I really do.” We got fortune cookies, and her fortune read Opportunity is Knocking at Your Door. When we got home we watched a show on an alien invasion (it’s called V but I call it “five”). Mom and Dad dropped off Ams’ car, and Sarah and I had some of their 25^th anniversary cake. Delicious. Ams came home, and she said, “Sarah said it was a bit awkward, but not too bad.”

Wednesday. I went to bed feeling sad. It seems as if my life is one giant replay except with different supporting characters. Once more I’ve fallen for a girl who doesn’t like me back. What hurts the most is that she knows we’d be great together, but she won’t have it. So what now? There are two options, two roads I can take. First, I can hope and pray that God will turn her heart towards me. But I’ve done that for the last two months, and per usual the prayer’s gone unanswered. Does God not see how great we would be? Does God not want us to experience it? Does he care? Or is he simply not there? No, I know he’s there. His existence has never been in question; what’s in question is the nature of his disposition towards me. No, I know he cares; but it’s so damned hard to obey when every sign is that he’s turned his back on you. Route 2 is MOVE ON. Distance myself from her. Make new friends. I don’t know. I was in a sour mood all day. Nate embarrassed both me and Ashley M. by saying we should date. I went to a park in Covington to take pictures, then joined Mandy for a trip to the store to get new pants. I got really depressed late in the evening and went on a drive through the night-swept Cincinnati, these words replaying over and over in my mind: God has abandoned you.

Thursday. I wept and wept last night. Ams came into my room and gave me a hug. As I cried, I prayed that God would at least comfort me, and at that moment the tears stopped and a wave of peace came over me. I scraped the ice off Sarah’s car for her so she wouldn’t have to do it. Why am I still doing these things? I went to the Hilltop for a tasty latte. Ams told me I have to give up hope of being with Sarah. She doesn’t like me like that, and she’s pretty sure she never will. “Her thinking about what it’d be like to date you were just passing thoughts, and she only wanted to kiss you because you were there and she was horny.” Sarah went to a bible study in Mason with her friend Justin, then out to eat with him and a girl he likes. I spent the evening home alone. Jessie came over a bit, and we hung out and ate dinner and she wept over losing friendships. Sarah came home and she walked around half-naked and it was suffocating to see her beauty, beauty I can’t experience for myself.

Friday. “Don’t think that you won’t be a good husband or a good father because of your depression,” Ams told me. “When you love your wife, you’ll be happy, just like you were with Courtney and how you’d be with Sarah. And when you hold your newborn children, you’ll be happy, too.” She’s right. I had work and class, and then Jessie came over to do laundry. Isaac came by, and we talked over glasses of red wine. Ams and I met up with Sarah at the Kenwood Mall. She got a cute coat and a hat from Forever 21, and I got some men’s cologne. Chris, Tiz and Jessie showed up, but Sarah and I left. She went to a bar to hang out with David—the guy she told me she has no attraction to but was flirting with hardcore but on the night of my dumpster diving—and I went to the Hilltop to try and get my mind off images of Sarah and David crawling all over one another. Gambill and I played Super Ping Pong and then we got Chipotle and visited Rob & Mandy at their apartment. I kept glancing about the apartment, wondering what it’d be like to be married to Sarah, for us to have our own place.

Saturday. Jessie came over to do some more laundry, and I fixed her eggs and coffee. I went over to Rob & Mandy’s to play Mario Kart, and then I took Mandy to Tazza Mia and got an iced café caramel. I ate lunch with Sarah at Tri-Health, and when she got home we cleaned the house. She was walking around in really short shorts, and her beautiful legs were showing, and I told her, “Your legs look really good, like really toned up, definitely a big difference from when we started.” She smiled really big. Ams went to Chris’ and Sarah went to Wilmington, and Blake & Amos came over. We played Office Trivia, took pictures of me crawling into coffee bags from the Hilltop, and ate chicken rollups for dinner. They left around 11:00 and I ran my voice recorded to Mandy for her interview with a Buddhist tomorrow. Sarah called me from Wilmington and we talked for a while. She refuses to believe she’s beautiful, which I don’t understand.

Sunday. I spent the day watching “Gilmore Girls” at the house before heading to the Hilltop to hang out with Sa-Rah and to play Super Ping Pong with Gambill. When Sarah got back we watched “The Ugly Truth,” and she kept making comments about how great it’d be to date someone like Gerard Butler. I got really sad and went for a drive down Route 50 past the stadiums and through Eden Park and back. Gambill told me earlier today, “I’d tell you not to waste your time on a girl like Sarah, but we both know it wouldn’t do any good. You bring so much to the table. We all have things that detract us from our prospects, but your negatives are slim. You’re a handsome dude. Just because one girl doesn’t think so doesn’t take away from who you are en totale.” Gambill is a good friend, even if he’s a jackass sometimes.