the fifth week

It was a decent week. Not as exciting as the last, but good nonetheless. 

Monday. Amos and I worked 11:30-6:00. I lifted weights and had an egg and toast beforehand. A smooth close, no hurdles to jump. We went back to the house and hung out in the basement, and I had a salad for dinner. Mandy and I hung out for a while, and then Blake and I went over to Brandy's--well, where she's dog-sitting--and hung out with her on the back patio. No noodles spilled this time. I returned home to chocolate-covered bananas wrapped in Oreo icing. Hells yeah. And today Jessica was officially promoted to A.S.M. at Brown St. Pretty exciting.

Tuesday. An easy 7:30-3:00. Even got out early. Mandy, Amanda and I ran errands all afternoon. At Target I got a pair of shorts, some no-show socks for work, and two shirts Mandy and Ams picked out for me. T.J. came over for Mandy's surprise birthday party (which is actually next Tuesday, so we just played Halo 2 in the basement, and then I hung out with him, Gambill, and Ams for a while on the front porch. 

Wednesday. At 8:00 the sky got eerily dark. Sirens were blaring, the trees were bent over, people running across the street to get inside. The lightning of the encroaching storm reflecting in the skyscraper windows. I picked up Mandy from Fusian after work, and then I gave Brandy a ride to the Journey concert in Fort Wright. The ten-mile trip to 1 1/2 hours because of concert traffic. Ridiculous. Spent the evening hanging out with Rob.

Thursday. After work my friend Matt and I went to The Anchor for coffee, chess, and cottage cheese. I'm a "C" kick, apparently. What can I say? Other than, "Damned shame it's 'koala' and not 'coala'--but then everyone would think we lived in the south pole with polar bears because they'd read it as 'cola' which would irrefutably lead to the coke commercials with polar bears when they were hip and cool, and people are stupid and think polar bears live in Antarctica. Polar bears live at the north pole. Aside: I really hope I'm right about the polar bear locale, or I'll look like quite the fool... After I dropped Matt off, I did some writing and had a salad for dinner. Nick came over and made an amazing cherry pie. And I generally loathe cherries. They remind me of the sleeping medicine they gave me during my childhood penis surgeries. Yeah, not the fondest memories.

Friday. Amos and I worked 11:30-6:00. Rob and I had training at Carew till 6:30. I was a fuck show and kept forgetting to bring the right filters. At least the two stores are only two blocks away from each other, and it's a quick koala-hustle back and forth. Kicked off the weekend with some Great Lakes Dortmunder Gold with Pat D. at his new place in Fort Thomas. We picked up the beers from Party Source and watched an old movie we made in high school and he made breaded chicken for dinner. Definitely felt pretty buzzed by the time I got home. I planned on going to bed but caught up in Amos' shit and then hung out with T.J., and Gambill bought a 1/3 pack of cigarettes from me. "I refuse to buy a pack," he says. Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts.

Saturday. Ran to Dayton this morning to pick up a few things and to clean out my car. It was good seeing Mom and Dad. Sky flipped her shit when I pulled up. Returned to Cincinnati and wrestled with where to get lunch. Subway? Chipotle? Golden Kitty? Sebastian's? Thai Taste? Yes, I generally go for ethnic foods when I'm picking it up. I ended up going to Sebastian''s, haven't had Greek since Dylan and I went to Gyro Palace in Dayton before his launch-off to Mozambique. "How's he doing?" He's doing great, getting sworn in at the Ambassador's mansion this weekend, and then working in remote jungle villages with World Vision, working with kids who have AIDS. Or something like that. So I brought my gyro and Greek salad back to the house and for dessert I enjoyed a cigar at Mount Echo just five minutes up the road. Blake and I hung out for a while, and I did some writing, and then Mandy and I went to Kroger at like 11:00 for groceries. The rest of the night was spent in the company of Rob, Blake, Amos, Andy, and Kyle. Kyle and I shared our Courtney woes, and Andy and I shared how we were fucked over by Jessica C., who's married now and pregnant. 

Sunday. Woke up at 4:30 A.M. to a violent storm shaking the house. Sat on the front porch in the dead of night with the world lit up with lightning and thunder the overture. Spent the morning hanging around. Worked out and went to The Anchor for lunch, then made a bank run to Delhi. Rob, Amos and I went to Findley Market to see Mandy. I ended up selling basil, still not sure how that happened. Amos and I perused the market while Rob and Mandy did their own thing. Around 4:00 Cat came over, and so did Josh. Amos broke out the hookah with champagne in the bottom and we drank Killian's Irish Red and smoked. C. Isaac is back from Montana, where he helped out with a church plant, and we went to The Anchor (The Anchor twice in one day? Yes please!), where Rob, Ams, and John Gambill joined us. Spent the evening hanging out on the front porch smoking cigarettes.

So, again: not an exciting week, but a good one.

Got to spend a lot of good time with lots of good people.

And being with friends, that's kind of a big deal to me.

an INFP koala (V)

"And though we’re not detail-oriented details, when it comes to those things we’re passionate about, we’re intricately detailed, covering every possible nook and cranny in our attention to detail, as we strive with determination and vigor to reach our goal. This attention to detail doesn’t spill out into the mundane details of life maintenance; we’re literally unaware of such things. It’s not uncommon to go months without noticing a stain on the carpet, but we’ll carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off our current project."

To be honest, I often feel out-of-place working jobs where details are key. Thankfully there aren’t too many details to keep track of at Tazza Mia, so I’ve been doing a pretty decent job. But if I were to find myself in a job where, so-to-speak, “the devil’s in the details,” I’d fail miserably. Give me details and I’ll be confused; give me abstract theories, and I’ll excel. If I care about something—truly, deeply care—then I’ll be a detail Nazi. When it comes to books I’m working on, or back when I was in ministry sermons I was writing, details were key. Cleanliness isn’t something I’m too good at; just as Mandy. I’m getting much, much better since 2009, when it really hit the fan, but I still miss things at times. Jelly on the wall, spaghetti on the ceiling, forgetting where I put stuff all the time. My brain isn’t hard-wired to think about these things, but through positive and negative reinforcement, and akin to Pavlov’s Dog, I’m coming around. To close off this little segment into which I put little heart, here’s another excerpt which hits the nail on the head:

"What we lose in social finesse, we make up with creative articulation. Despite being awkward and uncomfortable at verbally expressing ourselves, we have this innate ability to define and express what we’re feeling on paper, and thus the majority of INFPs are talented writers."

Creative articulation? Check.

Being awkward and uncomfortable at verbally expressing myself? Check.

Talented writer? Check.

Be as skeptical as you want about “personality profiles,” but mine describes me down to a “T”. INFP all the way! Google search personality profiles and find your own, then google search your personality and find all sorts of information on it. Very enlightening. It’s like someone saying, “Hey, this is how you are, even though you don’t know it,” and though you disagree, you come around, saying, “Oh, yeah, I guess you’re right. I never realized I was like that!” Cool stuff.

an INFP koala (IV)

"Although stand-offish, non-social, and often awkward in big groups of people or with people we don’t know, with those we do know and love, we’re very warm and friendly, so-much so that we go at great lengths to avoid any conflict that threatens the safety and comfort of the relationship."

The last two INFP traits I looked at in my own life are more internally focused than outwardly focused. In other words, you don’t actually see that part of me. But when it comes to how I actually operate in the world, my INFP personality shines. I’m shy and timid, apprehensive about friendships but, once a friendship is established, I am very open, honest, and “real” around these people. I have lots of acquaintances, many friends, and even fewer “best friends”—those people you connect with on a deep level, where you can be yourself and be loved in spite of your awkward comments and social blunders. “Warm and Friendly” is a good descriptor of our dispositions towards those people we love, and we take our relationships very seriously. We thrive in harmony and detest disharmony. We loathe drama and try to keep it from affecting our friendships. When we feel the friendship is threatened, we will literally do everything within our power to keep the harmony alive. This is all good and well, but there comes times when we fight for a friendship that we don’t even want. Disharmony is so hated that we strive for harmony in friendships we don’t even want to be in, and we fight to keep the friendship when (a) we lose nothing if the friendship dissolves and (b) we gain nothing if the friendship remains intact.

an INFP koala (III)

"

"[We] rely on our feelings to guide us, and we use our discovers along the way to constantly search for value in life. Our search for truth and meaning underlying everything means that we’ll take every encounter and every piece of knowledge, sift them through our worldview, and evaluate how these new discoveries define or redefine our life-paths. Thus our worldviews are constantly changing, often in dramatic ways, but always in a way that goes back to how we feel about ourselves, others, the world, and God."

When it comes to constructing our worldviews, we let the construction project spill out from the foremen of our feelings. The events of our lives, interpreted through our acquired set of lens, will take on great meaning not by virtue of themselves but by virtue of having been sifted through the grid of our worldview. What this means “from the outside” is that a relatively simple, straightforward event can rise to the heights in our mind, encompassing about itself all sorts of meanings and values, and these events (which most people may very well nonchalantly forget) because cornerstones and turning-points in how we perceive our life story. The greatest events in my life thus far aren’t great by virtue of how they actually were but because I’ve attached so much meaning, interpretation, and feeling to them, and allowed them to guide my thinking and living.

Our worldviews are built up like an onion, layers of interpretation upon interpretation. When a deeper interpretation—upon which many other interpretations rest—becomes jeopardized by a change-of-heart on our end or something in our lives advocating a different interpretation, our worldviews will dramatically shift. Everything has to be reinterpreted, and these reinterpretations invariably lead to a change of praxis (how we live our lives). Thus it’s not uncommon to find an INFP in 2009 living a very distinct way, and then finding them again in 2012 living in a completely different way, because even in three years, we can undergo radical paradigm shifts in our thinking, and the way we perceive the world (our worldviews) always and without fail directly affect how we live our lives.

an INFP koala (II)

Deep down, we’re focused on making the world a better place. We’re constantly on the search for our purpose in life, for the meaning of our existence, and this search—which can be agonizing, enlightening, and burdening—can never be made close to complete if there’s no greater aim for the greater good.


This is really a post for another time, so I’ll keep it brief. This need to have a mission, and the need to have a mission that is outwardly-focused, consumes all INFPs without regard. We can’t just live to have fun. We can’t just be casual. We can’t just have the happy-go-lucky, let-come-what-may, life-is-too-short so have-a-good-time mental paradigm. Any attempt to embrace such a paradigm leaves us restless, breathless, and confused. We’re like a square trying to fit into a circular hole. So long as we have no mission, and so long as this mission isn’t outwardly-focused, we’ll never experience any sort of contentment. This period of struggling feels like limbo: it’s stagnation, it’s wasting time, it’s withering and shrinking and bloating and putrefying. As we wrestle with our “calling” or “vocation” or whatever the hell you want to call it (interesting, isn’t it, that the vast majority of INFPs—although the group is rare as a whole—are consumed with “callings” on their life?), we’ll feel restless and anxious, a constant sense of unease about us; but when we finally “discover” our vocation, and engage it wholeheartedly, there’s to be found great peace and great success, as Part I showed. And honestly, I know this period of wrestling quite well because I’m there right now. And how envious am I of those who can adopt that nonchalant, carefree attitude? You’ve no idea. I’d kill for that.

an INFP koala (I)

I’m usually in my own little world of fantasy, illusion, and delusion, and it’s gotten me in a lot of trouble sometimes, because we INFPs have the tendency to illogically take all these fantasies and delusions and thrust them into how we actually live our lives. I’m constantly in my head, entertaining ridiculous hopes and dreams, imagining things big and small, my mind a powerhouse of creativity where I spin all sorts of wild and untamed myths. I then let these myths, these misconceptions and misperceptions, avoid the scrutiny of logic and to flow out into my relationships, often with disastrous results. Not that all this is bad: idealistic fantasizing paves the way to much risk-taking and gambit-running, often with great payouts.

And although we’re stuck in our heads, don’t think we’re egotistical. We’re not. Deep down we’re focused on making the world a better place for people. We’re constantly on the search for our purpose in life, for the meaning of our existence, and this search—which can be agonizing, enlightening, and even burdening—can never be made close to complete if there’s no greater aim for the greater good. Once we figure out the path we’re going to take, we set out with idealistic ideals and a perfectionist attitude. We set goals, we achieve them. We strive and fight and we make things happen. These goals will almost always be focused on bettering the world in some way or another, and the emphasis won’t be upon the Self but upon others. Were it to be any other way, the idealistic and outwardly-focused INFP would be miserable, and thus self-seeking dreams only lead away from any sort of self-fulfillment.

We’re highly intuitive about people. That is to say, we gauge all our relationships and interactions with people largely dependent on our feelings towards them. We’ll befriend people we feel comfortable with, and we’ll keep people at hand’s length whom we don’t feel comfortable with. All of this is due to our feelings and feelings alone. Feelings aren’t just limited to our social interactions; we rely on our feelings to guide us, and we use our discoveries along the way to constantly search for value in life. Our search for truth and meaning underlying everything means that we’ll take every encounter and every piece of knowledge, sift them through our worldview, and evaluate how the new discoveries define or redefine our life-path. Thus our worldviews are constantly changing, often in dramatic ways, but always in a way that goes back to how we feel about ourselves, others, the world, and God. Nevertheless, the changing worldviews and the consequent life-goals are always connected with the golden thread of wanting to make the world a better place.

So we have these inwardly-focused, feeling-oriented and feeling-guided people who want to understand themselves and their world and then make themselves and their world a better place. In relationships we’re usually thoughtful and considerate, and we’re good listeners who put people at ease. We’re very shy and timid when it comes to expressing our emotions, but we have a deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding others. Our sincerity is sensed by others, and the result is that those who become close to an INFP find a valued friend and confidant. Although stand-offish, non-social, and often awkward in big groups of people or with people we don’t know, with those we do know and love, we’re very warm and friendly, so-much so that we go at great lengths to avoid any conflict that threatens the safety and comfort of the relationship. When unable to dodge the conflict, when forced to confront it head-on, we always do so (no surprise) from the basis of our feelings. Who’s right and who’s wrong are of little concern. Our position in the conflict is determined by how we feel about the conflict itself. Because of this, when we’re in the middle of the conflict, our decisions will often be irrational and illogical. Quite surprisingly, though, we’re excellent mediators and good at solving other people’s conflicts, because (a) we’re all about making the world better place, (b) conflict-resolving is a big part of that, and (c) in that position we can approach it from a logical position, while keeping intact our attention to peoples’ perspective and feelings and genuinely wanting to help them. Essentially, so long as the conflict doesn’t involve us, we’re logical and rational; but when the conflict involves us, our feelings become intimately involved, and we become irrational and illogical.

We’re flexible and laid-back, at least until something or someone we love or value is violated. In the face of this, we become aggressive defenders. When our worldviews and life-goals come under attack, we fight passionately for our cause. Quiet, shy, reclusive, we’re surprisingly violent and aggressive when that which we love is threatened. How often have you heard about the quiet, nice guy who snapped? We’re not talking about psychos going off the handle, but people you’d never expect standing up and taking action aggressively.

Our main focus isn’t “daily living” so much as “living daily” for a cause. Everything not directly related to that cause gets sidelined. When we adopt a project or job we’re interested in, or when we embrace a particular “calling” that we feel in our lives, we chalk it up as a cause. And though we’re not detail-oriented details, when it comes to those things we’re passionate about, we’re intricately detailed, covering every possible nook and cranny in our attention to detail, as we strive with determination and vigor to reach our goal. This attention to detail doesn’t spill out into the mundane details of life maintenance; we’re literally unaware of such things. It’s not uncommon to go months without noticing a stain on the carpet, but we’ll carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off our current project. Our dedication to our project ends up with us being hard on ourselves, never giving ourselves much credit. We prefer to work solo—“we’re lone wolves, bitches!”—rather than with others, because (a) our standards are likely to be higher than everyone else’s, and (b) we often have “control” problems. One of our biggest struggles is balancing our high ideals with daily living; without resolving this conflict, we’ll never be happy with ourselves, and we’ll often become confused and paralyzed about what to do with our lives.

What we lose in social finesse, we make up with creative articulation. Despite being awkward and uncomfortable expressing ourselves verbally, we have this innate ability to define and express what we’re feeling on paper, and thus the majority of INFPs are talented writers. When it comes to professions, many INFPs are drawn to counseling or teaching. We shine like the stars when we’re working for the betterment of the world. INFPs have a greater ability than most to accomplish great and wonderful things, which we’ll rarely give ourselves credit for.

the 4th week

If anything, last week was a pretty good week. Re:caps!

Monday. Worked 6-1:30. Amos is at our store now, closing nearly every night. Which means I get to work with him every day. Baller shot collar. The whole house ended up at Tazza Mia by the time I got off work. Blake, Amanda, and Mandy came in for lunch with the girls, and even Andy and the Sulzener's came in. Rob, Amos and I were working. I hung out with them for a bit after work, then spent the evening writing and hanging out with Blake, Brandy, and Amos. Nick came over and made dinner and dessert. This time: bourbon-fried banana over caramelized vanilla ice cream.

Tuesday. I went downtown early and sat out on the square drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and watching the pigeons. I worked till 3:00, and Amanda and I hung out for a while. Mandy took the girls to King's Island, and I spent the evening hanging out with Rob.

Wednesday. Mom picked up Sky since she and Dad are back from New York. She came into work to see me, I liked that. After work I got in an excellent upper body workout and did some pilates. Feels great to be getting back into that routine. The evening was spent in the company of Rob and Amos, then I switched sides of the house and hung out with Mandy and Sarah C. At 10:00 Amos and I went to a house Brandy's sitting on Glenway. T.J., Mandy, and Amanda joined us. We sat outside under the smoggy stars for two hours smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. We went inside and read through some journals I brought, and strangely enough, the first one Brandy read was about my college crush on her. The only entry I ever made in regards to the matter. What luck. 

Thursday. Somehow I hurt my eye overnight, probably a result of going to town (wrestling, mind you) with Amos at Brandy's the night before. Nevertheless, my first closing shift was spent in agony. I couldn't focus, couldn't stop tearing up, the pain was unbearable (my eyes are watering now just remembering it). When I got home I took a long nap, had a peanut butter sandwich for dinner, and then went straight back to bed after guzzling Nyquil.

Friday. My eye felt much better. Still sucked not having any depth perception and seeing double half the time (could only wear one contact). Amos and I closed together, and then I had training with Rob. We spent the evening smoking hookah with Rob, Blake, Andy, and even T.J. showed up.

Saturday. Helluva busy day. Ran some errands, made a stop in Clifton, and then Amos, Blake and I went downtown for coffee and paychecks at Carew Tower, and then I grabbed lunch at Soho Sushi. Damn: Fusian. I'll get that right one of these days. Brian Walker came over for a while, and Jobst made a surprise visit. I tried putting in a contact and it worked. Eye feels fine now. I went for a drive and then we had The Cupping here at the house. A variety of Asian/Pacific Blends. The Saffron was unbelievably good. This was Rob's wet dream come to life, and he had everything set up for it hours in advanced. Some grade-A people came by for it. Gambill came over, and we sat on the front porch smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. Mandy and I ran to Kroger (for orange juice, of course). Mandy, Ams, Amos and I hung out in the basement after the cupping crowd left, and Blake even joined us for a little while. Most of us didn't get to bed till 3-4:00 in the morning.

Sunday. Did some writing in the morning, ran to the bank in Delhi to deposit my check, and then watched movies all afternoon. Lunch from Subway. Mandy, Blake, Amos, Ams and I went to the Summit View pool. A security guard demanded our pool passes. Mandy threw him off on some wild goose chase to Apartment D108 (or 108D? God, you can never remember that), and we got the hell out of there. I've never seen Mandy go from a Point A (the pool) to her car (Point B) so fast. Mandy and Amanda fixed breakfast for dinner--eggs, bacon, biscuits and gravy, and fried green tomatoes--and I hung out with Amos and Josh for a while, then went to the porch to smoke with Gambill and Mandy. We ended the night with a trip to Brandy's, where I spilled an entire box of elbow macaroni across the floor and even into the stove.

Hey, it's the beginning of August.

Which means this heat's about to get real.

I already can't stand being soaked in sweat.

Mayhaps this will be a long summer? *sigh*