try this

I was reading through my psychology book and I discovered a psychological trick that messes with your brain when you're sleeping. If you want to memorize something, just before bed, recite it eight to ten times, then just go to bed. When you wake up, you'll be able to recall it on the dime. It's amazing. I've done it every night for a few nights and it is amazing. Try it out.

Lord, I'm tired
So tired from walking.
And Lord I'm so alone.
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

***"All I Can Say, DCB

hmmm...

If you've been reading the blog, you know that over the last couple of weeks I've been going through a spiritual battle. I have felt the forces of Good and Evil all around me as a pursue with vigor the deep, intimate communion I so thirst for. David Crowder said, "Sometimes [God], you're further than the moon; sometimes you're closer than my skin." Lately he has been the former. I just want that one-on-one Lover and Beloved relationship. I have been fighting hard to get it, but it seems I am making no headwind. The more passionate my desire, the further God seems. I take this as a good sign - Satan is scared. Today has been a trying day in this aspect; I have been hungering for God, and I believe Satan has thrown an odd sort of depression, sullenness, sorrow on me. Hopelessness. God spoke to me today when Mom, Ams and I went to China Village. Ironically, he spoke through the infamous Chinese fortune cookie; He is close; keep the passion alive; keep the battle raging:

The one you love is closer than you think.

Thursday afternoon, a lot of things happened. I removed all my devotionals, all my Christian self-help books (Boost your prayer life and experiencing spiritual breakthroughs, and I threw all the about-God and about-doctrine books in a box and shoved them in the closet. I am so sick and tired of three-point sermons and six-steps spiritual fix-its. For so long I've been aiming at knowing about God, that I have been neglecting knowing God personally. I am tired of creation-vs.-evolution, is-baptism-essential-for-salvation, is-there-soul-sleep debates and it is EATING MY BRAINS OUT! I ache and long to know God personally, intimately; He the Lover and I the Beloved. I have been drawing closer over the last few days, as he has been pulling strings to get me closer to him, and it's been wonderful. He isn't so much a theological statement as a Father and Lover.

My friend Dylan Yosick and Iwere re-baptized in the creek at North Park. I just felt God putting this on my heart, and I pulled them aside before the prayer groups at lunch and expressed what I was planning to do. Dylan said, "I want to be baptized, too." None of us had been baptized since rededication to Christ. The water was freezing, but it didn't matter, because when I came out of the water, the colors and sounds and air of the woods just exploded vibrantly, and joy seared through me; it was as if God was saying, "I love you. I love you."

trapped

I can't run away from it. I have tried running away countless times, but it never works. You see, I want to be a youth minister. I really do. I want to prod others along to have a heart-to-heart love affair with God. And yet there is a stronger desire within me. While I want to go into youth ministry, my heart gives a faint leap when I think of what it would be like to study dinosaurs. You may laugh; after all, the two careers are completely off-balance. I used to think that becoming a Christian meant shoving the desires of the heart into a hole; I used to think sanctification was killing desires. No, killing desires is not sanctification, it is godlessness, a profanity, its own brand of wickedness. It is betraying our true selves for a false self; losing our uniqueness, our originality. So I am at a cross-roads. I want to study dinosaurs, but for all the world I can't because of my credentials to go that direction (these desires weren't meant for this world, after all, but Another). I am trapped between two paths. One is straight and yet in a vague way, murders the real me. The other looks like a dead-end, but it is where my God-given heart lies. What can I do?

The Beat at SHS

So much has been going on at SHS. We now have prayer groups in all three lunches, with a total headcount of over 150 students not ashamed to be talking to God before their peers. Two friends, my sister and I are in a small prayer group of such, not really aimed at getting the Message out, but it's a place where we read a devotional, pray, and strengthen each other. Thursday night small group - flame - should be pretty good. My friend Kristen and Tony help lead G.R.I.P., which is HUGE; it is a Friday morning prayer group. We kicked off the first SHS Bible Study in the LGI today; we had about 20 people, and talked about Heaven (a lot of my views on Heaven are, some would say, heretical, but they are all biblical. E-mail me (ajbarnhart@yahoo.com) if you want to know). I didn't lead this one; I want to step back and get some more leaders 'in on the action.' My friend Tyler Yosick actually led it, and he did an amazing job - he is going into youth ministry, also! We are all so excited about Heaven - no wonder Jesus talked about it so much! Needless to say we are touching souls and lives and building unity within the school. It is only three weeks in, and God is moving amazingly.

But with such great movements come harassment. While I haven't experienced it myself, Tyler tells me students are making fun of him; my sister says students in her lunch mock everyone in the prayer group, and so some students in the prayer group have backed down. Also my friend Ashlie and my sister were confronted by a Sophomore who said, "You guys are dumb. Just stick to yourselves." Well. Jesus didn't tell us to stick to ourselves. It is obvious there will be more harassment and persecution down the road as the voice crying out for God is heard louder and louder!

Student Revolution

Student Revolution kicked off last night and it was amazing. Barefoot did excellent renditions of No One Like You, O Praise Him, God of Wrath (that song is amazing, two thumbs way up to DCB), and Jeff's own song, the very beautiful, very amazing, very touching and very deep Capture Me. I sat in the back and ran mediashout, Corey Whitaker was on sound, and Tyler Yosick on lights. The message was intense and inspiring - really reaching out and showing starving beggars who are no different than us, except we have bread they can eat. Several students talked about how they were 'reaching out' in this world; Shelby and Angie talked about the lunch prayer groups, Kristen spoke on G.R.I.P., Pat Dewenter on accountability partners, and I mentioned Thursday night small groups and the 'Bible Study' we're starting Mondays after school, themed "The Story that we're in, and the Role that's yours to play..." Needless to say, I am praying hard for Monday, and also for a change-up in Thursday night small groups before we hit 40 Days of Community, and I am very excited about the next official Rev. Rev Bowl 2004!