A lot of times I just want to love on God, to fall in His arms, to kiss his face and bow down. But my mouth is filled with cal, and my knees lock-jointed. I want to kiss on God - an extreme facet of divine worship - but the black hideousness of my own sin bars me back, and I feel so worthless and undeserving. The guilt is always large. I'm not talking about a 'single sin,' just a 'sinful nature.' The fact that I haphazardly look at sin, sometimes sin without care, and then I bow down before God - it just doesn't register. I love him so much, but I'm such a player, a 'spiritual slut.' I wonder how he can want me to love on him, to fall in his arms, to kiss his face and bow down. It is one of those things, I imagine, we'll never understand, but he says, despite our sin, "Come." Wow.

Today another step has been taken. I continue to move forward, not by my own skill or talent, but by the grace and power of God. I remember when God told me, "Go," and not knowing exactly where Go meant, I said, "All right." First friendships were forged, alliances engraved in steel. Deep, personal, intimate friendships. Then God led me to start talking about spirituality with my friends. Next He called me to lead a Small Group for a couple friends. Time has swept me up in a whirlwind of confusion, and half an hour ago I stood back at the computer with my gut screaming anticipation. Nervousness tore me apart, and ironically Jeff's worship music seemed to revolve around God taking us over and living through us. It built up my confidence, and I prayed with several friends. I had practiced four or five times, and every time was rittled with breaks and shortcoming and jaggedness, filthy. I knew I couldn't do it. But when the time came, I didn't even have to look at my note card that much, and the words came like water. Nice.

I'm not really anti-Kerry or anything, these are just funny:

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed, opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." —David Letterman

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart

"Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president?" --Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, "Late Show With David Letterman"

"Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." --Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." —Jay Leno

What is it that makes Christians stand out? What is it that makes us 'salt' and 'light'? We talk about salt and light, and how it's what we are, but do we really know how we are salt and light? What is it that really sets us apart before the world? We say the answer is, "Jesus," or "holiness," or "life," but do we really know that? Or are those just the churchainized, politically-correct answers? What is it that makes us a candle in a dark place? When you walk through Springboro High School, you can't often tell a believer from a nonbeliever right off the bat, and I'm no exception. What is it that makes us stand out before all men?

Rebuilding the Temple

You are witnessing a milestone. A milestone in my life as a human being, in every aspect, with no stone left unturned. I believe God has been pressing me to 'rebuild the Temple' of my life. I believe He is calling me to inspect the walls, and to make adjustments where needed, or in the extreme case, tear a wall or two down and completely rebuild. I know this is not an overnight adventure, no three-meal-and-penance exploration. I admit I don't have a lot of it - most of it - figured out yet. I pray that God will reveal to me the cracks in the mortar, and unstable foundations.

"Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body." - 1 Corinthians 6:19,20, The Message

I believe I already have the blueprint for the revisions, the blueprint for the remodeling. This 'blueprint' came from the mouth of Jesus when He said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, strength and soul." To rebuild the Temple of the Spirit that is my body, I must hit all four of these parts, each and every one just as spiritual as the next. I can't pay attention to my soul without paying attention to my strength (physical self). I can't pay attention to the heart and neglect the mind.

I pray that God will move in me, make a wonderful work out of me, and I plead you to pray, also.

"We have been consumers of worship, when all the while we were supposed to be consumed by worship."

So often am I reminded - convicted - of how I am such a consumer of worship. I am convicted of how easily captured up I am by the lie that we go to worship to get, not to give. For so long I have been obsessed with the emotions and feelings and experience of worship; and while all these are relevant to worship, I have made them the focal point of my worshipping. I have told myself, "If you didn't feel God, then you didn't worship." How wrong I have been. It's not about getting a pleasant or even rewarding experience; it isn't about joy or happiness to be discovered in worship. David's worship is filled with tears and distant cries, when he screams out to God, "Where are you? I can't feel you!" How come we are possessed to think that if we don't FEEL God, then God is not present, then we are not truly worshipping. Sometimes God will not allow us the feelings - in a way, we ought to FEAR the feelings, because they can drag us into worshipping for the feelings, not in adoration of the King.

My head is throbbing. I tried a hot shower/bath, but it didn't help - at least not permanently. When I stepped out into the freezing house, it got worse. So now I am munching on Fruit Loops with marshmallows and am going to go to bed. Because of this dumb headache - and because of no gas! - I couldn't make it to New Life. Sorry guys.