a quote

[The] real point is, I believe, that the salvation of human beings, though of course extremely important for those human beings, is part of a larger purpose. God is rescuing us from the shipwreck of the world, not so that we can sit back and put our feet up in his company, but so that we can be part of his plan to remake the world. We are in orbit around God and his purposes, not the other way around. - N.T. Wright, "Justification", pp 24

I love that last line. "We are in orbit around God and his purposes, not the other way around." It's so easy to fall into that mindset where God's main concern is our happiness and the flourishing of our own selfish dreams and desires. It's so easy to become upset when our plans don't, well, "go to plan," when what we want to happen doesn't end up happening. We ask ourselves, "Where was God?" Perhaps the correct question should be, "Where are we?" Quite often, by asking the former question, we are putting ourselves at the center; we are making ourselves the sun, around whom God orbits. The latter question forces us to look inwards at ourselves and outwards at the world, hopefully in a different light, perceiving--hopefully not for the first time--that God's main concern isn't us and what we want but the world and the kingdom of God.

my "weekend"

My "weekend"--in quotations because it was Sunday through Tuesday rather than the classical type--has been pretty great. I'm not looking forward to working the rest of the week, but the money is good, and it's what I need to keep Uncle Sam and Sallie Mae happy. Here are the highlights from my weekend:

Sunday. Mom, Dad and I took some family time after church. We grabbed burgers at 5 Guys and then made a trip to Wal-Mart for Christmas shopping, then a trip to Mom's work to snag one of the wireless keyboards from the multimedia department (my keyboard is on the fritz, so I'm currently using a wireless keyboard). Dylan came over later, and we perused Barnes & Noble and I considered getting coffee because the waitress was cute but decided against it. We looked around D.L.M. but couldn't find anything to eat, so we ended up down the street at a Tex-Mex cafe, where I had an amazing chicken quesadilla. We finished off the evening with beer and Mario-Kart.

Monday. On a whim--and per Mandy's begging--I made a trip down to Cincinnati. I hung out with Andrew at the house, and then a bunch of us were feeling pretty good so we decided to grab Thai food from a hole-in-the-wall joint on Crookshank. Seafood pad thai. Incredible! We hung out at the house for a while after, playing the new Goldeneye game for Wii. It's definitely interesting. 

Tuesday. Errands day! I made several trips to several stores--Goodwill, Target, Family Christian, Drug Mart--buying both Christmas gifts and some things I've been needing (namely hygiene equipment, gloves and a hat; it's so fiercely cold at 4:30 when I wake up to go to work!). I almost went and got my haircut but decided against it. I'm going to try and do some different styles with it since it's long. Maybe I can find something that doesn't end up look like a mushroom or an atomic cloud bursting around my head. Dylan and Tyler came over in the evening, and we went to Kabuki for a sushi dinner. It was amazing, per usual, and afterwards we grabbed some ice cream and finished off the evening with Mario-Kart (a classic).


This upcoming week, despite many early mornings, should be pretty good. I plan on finishing Chapter XV in "Re:framing Repentance," as well as throwing together a bible study on 1 Peter my friend and I might do together. Tomorrow Mom and I are getting Chinese (per her request), and tomorrow night a bunch of the high school girls will be here. It's always fun to hang out with them (in a very non-weird way, of course). Friday evening Tyler and I will be hanging out, and Saturday evening my friend Jobst is rolling into town. I work every day through Sunday (and maybe even beyond; the new schedule hasn't yet been posted), but the paycheck will be nice. Now I need to go to bed. Waking up at 5:00 in the morning tomorrow. 

the dayton days [44]

Monday. I worked 5:30-1:00, spent the day cleaning the Celica and reorganizing my closet, and then I settled down with a beer and the fireplace roaring and Bones on TV. Jacquelyn said she'd definitely be down for going out Wednesday night.

Tuesday. Mandy made an impromptu visit north to see me. She was a bit out of it: a bucket of flower fell on her head at Soho Sushi, and she might've gotten a mild concussion. We went to China Cottage and then chilled in my room. It's so cold and dreary outside. Jacquelyn cancelled: chaos has consumed her family, and she wants to spend tomorrow with her mom, who's legitimately going crazy. My "sixth sense" tells me we'll never meet. I'd be okay with that. Pursuit can be exhausting. In life and theology, I love puzzles. In girls, I want everything to be black-&-white.

Wednesday. My car door was frozen shut this morning, and I had to use a screwdriver to pry it open. Work went by quickly. It snowed all morning, the first of the season. Carly & I got sushi after work, shared stories and much laughter. I told Carly about Jacquelyn, said, "The hunt has resumed. I just need to find, and engage, a decent hunting ground." It was the same place Genna and I went on our first date. By the time we left the snow was falling harder and covering everything. I drove home snow blind and called Jacquelyn. She called things off. Fair enough. I'm strangely content. Not hopeless as usual. After wrapping things up with Jacquelyn, I turned on the fireplace and grabbed an ice cold beer and I worked on Reframing Repentance as the snow continued to fall. Mom had her bible study tonight: the topic was evangelism. I thoroughly enjoyed helping to teach those gathered: Mariah, Katie, and Megan. I fixed coffee for me and Megan--Christmas Blend!--and I fixed Mariah and Katie some tea. Dylan came over and we smoked in the snow and played Mario-Kart.

Thursday. Last night I dreamt I was losing teeth: apparently that's a sign that you feel hopelessly out-of-control? Seems fitting. I had the day off, so I fixed eggs and toast for breakfast and spent several hours at the Route 48 Starbucks writing. Often I feel that I have no reason to hope for God's deliverance, for God to bring me someone wonderful. But I cling to that hope, because even though it hasn't come to fruition in my life, I've seen it happen in the lives of others. I prayed that Mikaela would find a great guy, and in two weeks she did, and they're talking love and marriage. I pray for nearly a decade, and it's just disappointment after disappointment. I know I shouldn't compare my journey to everyone elses: we're all on different paths, things come at us from different directions, that's what makes life interesting (albeit frustrating). My thought is that if God will answer other peoples' prayers for help, and even answer my prayers for him to help others, then maybe, just maybe, he'll answer mine, too. So I'll continue hoping and praying, waiting and watching. In a word: I'll continue surviving.

Friday. Last night I meditated on Psalm 34, and as I bore my heart before God, begging to know why his rescue has come to others but not to myself, an image came to mind: God standing at an open door, begging me, inviting me, to come inside; but all the while I remained outside, sprawled in dust and ash, yelling so loudly that I couldn't hear God's invitation: "Come into the rescue." I pondered this, and again I came to that old saying: "As often as we ask, 'Why, O God?' God asks us, 'Why, O Man?'" I ask God, "How long until you rescue me?" and he replies, "How long until you embrace my rescue?" And what is embracing rescue? REPENTANCE. There remain areas in my life where I continue to worship false gods. My Father demands I repent; and the other side of repentance is rescue, renewal, healing. How long must I continue to obstinately rebel? O LORD, grant me repentance! [And now the awkward transition into a daily recap] I worked 6:30-3:30, deposited my check, and Dewenter came over and we went out to dinner with his Mom, Dad, and sister: China Cottage! We went to DLM afterwards for beer and then back to my place to drink it: Anchor Christmas Ale.

Saturday. A cute girl came into work today, and I talked her into buying some mugs. I was one hell of a salesman, and both Jessica and Carly thought it was hilarious. Mom, Dad, Ams and I drove an hour north to celebrate Grandma Barnhart's birthday with some amazing, down-home, German Baptist cooking at some lady's house. The food: legendary. The coffee: weak. Afterwards we hung out at Grandpa & Grandma's house in New Carlisle, and Ams went back to Cincinnati when we got home late. Three inches of snow fell. It's hard to believe winter's already here.

Sunday. I went to the Centerville Starbucks to do some writing, then hit up Southwest for church. I went by work and smoked with Jessica on her 10. Her sister-in-law had a baby last night, little Luke, so she's an aunt and very excited. After lunch Mom & I went to Wal-Mart, where I got a waterproof watch for work and a wireless keyboard (since my laptop's keys are all jank); and then we grabbed lunch at 5 Guys' Burgers & Fries. Amazing and unhealthy. One of the cute workers kept eyeing me throughout our meal. Either she thought I was cute or I had a stain on my shirt. Dad & I fixed my Celica's headlight and drank beers while doing it. Dylan came over, and we grabbed dinner at a Tex-Mex joint by DLM and played some Wii.

wearied by theology

Studying theology can be and is so wearying. Sometimes I wish it were more scientific, with black-and-white answers and proven paradigms for interpreting the texts and coming to valid, undeniable conclusions. But as it  is with God, and with religion, there are so many assumptions and presuppositions, so many biases, that one cannot even come to the point of saying, without at least a hint of arrogance, "This is the truth." As objective as we seek to be, the study of theology has subjectivity cutting throughout. And even once you identify your assumptions and presuppositions, and even once you know which barriers to erect to prevent major eisegesis, you come to the reality that the study of theology--and by theology I mean Christian theistic theology--is undercut by the problems and perplexities of the sacred text itself. Textual variants, apparent contradictions, and paradoxes rise from the mist like the monsters from the Book of Daniel. And if we think we can deal appropriately with these, then we have the matter of such varied interpretations. No one agrees 100% with anyone else (unless you're the type to take some theological hero-figure and just conform to his or her theological shape), and there's always the knowledge that you could be wrong and, in some cases, are most likely wrong. As I said: it can all be very wearying, but it's also exciting. I enjoy puzzles in theology (although I do wish girls were black-and-white), but at the same time I wish it were easier. The pursuit of an accurate (as opposed to adequate) theology can drive my energies into the dust where they smolder like Job in the ash-heap, and I'm reduced to the biblical equivalent of cutting myself with broken pottery as I agonizingly pour over various texts. Sometimes I just want to slam all my books shut, turn off my brain, and just shut down for a while. Amidst all of this, I am encouraged and sustained by the words of N.T. Wright on page 81 of his book "Justification", and I believe they're words that all "students of theology" ought to take to heart:

The many-sidedness of Scripture, the grace and power of the Holy Spirit, and God's mercy in answering the preacher's prayers regularly enable genuine understanding, real insight into the love and mercy and purposes of God, to leap across the barriers put up by our faulty and partial understandings. This is just as well, since otherwise, as systematic theologians often point out rather tartly, nobody would be able to do any theology until the great exegetical enterprise had signed off on its final footnote. We all live within the incomplete hermeneutical spiral, and should relish the challenges rather than bemoan the limitations it places upon us.

old order German baptists

This evening we celebrated my grandma's birthday at the farmhouse of an old-order German baptist couple. They served delicious food but weak coffee. I've always been fascinated by "denominations" such as old-order German baptists. Amish are the most interesting, but German baptists come in a close second. These folk were quite nice, and the husband found it amazing that I enjoyed sushi. I envy the simplicity of these people, a simplicity which doesn't come naturally but which must be fought for, wrestled with, and implemented with both desire and dedication. An interesting observance: depression rates are the lowest in communities of the Amish, and the reason for this (psychologist's speculate) is that they are unencumbered by all those useless "necessities" which most westerners enjoy. Their simplicity and style of living, coupled with their active lifestyle, is a natural antidote to depression. Not to say that there aren't depressed Amish people, just that some of the biggest factors leading to depression are eradicated by their strict living. I need to simplify my life. Maybe that would bring some calm and clarity. 

anchor christmas ale

Patrick and I celebrated his 22nd birthday with a trip to China Cottage with his family. I ate outside-the-box with a firecracker stir-fry laden with mushrooms, scallops, shrimp, crab, and seared chicken (not to mention all sorts of vegetables and, best of all, water chestnuts!). Afterwards we ran by D.L.M. and got a six-pack of my "Christmas Ale of the Week": The Anchor Brewing Company's Christmas Ale. The coolest thing about this ale is that, every year, the recipe is different. The beer's "theme" is the celebration of the newness of life, and with each year's different recipe, the graphic design of the tree is different. The tree is chosen as a graphic because trees symbolize the winter solstice where the earth, with its seasons, is "born anew." 2010's tree is the Ginkgo biloba tree. This year's ale is a dark, mahogany brown with overriding hops in the taste, highlighted with bits of nutmeg and clove. I prefer the spicy ales to the amber ales, and I'd rate this one #3 thus far, preceded by (1) Great Lakes Christmas Ale, (2) 12 Dogs of Christmas Ale, and followed by (4) Bell's Christmas Ale.

losing teeth

Last night I dreamt that my teeth were falling out. It's been a recurrent dream. One of my old friends was big into dream symbolism and how our dreams could be reflections of our subconscious, so I decided to look it up. Apparently when a person dreams of losing teeth, it's a subconscious echo of how one feels powerless to effect change in life, a mixture of helplessness and vulnerability. Now, I give "dream symbolism" the same credibility I give the movie "Inception," but at the same time, that makes sense. I do feel powerless to effect change in my life. I feel cornered in a hole and, despite all my attempts to climb out, I can't seem to scale the wall. I make strides in life, and I do make changes, but when it comes to those things that're most important to me, all my efforts and all my striving have been sterile at the least. One of these "things" (there are more than one) is my pursuit of a wife. Not a mail-order Russian deal (or Hispanic deal, depending on your preferences), but eventually dating someone and falling in love (whatever that means) and building a family together. I've come close, eerily close, several times, but each time things have been demolished before my eyes, and I've been--here comes that key word--powerless to prevent it. Maybe the losing of my teeth isn't mere coincidence; over the last week or so, I'd been talking to a great girl named Jacquelynn, and we were going to go on a date but she called things off (for very legitimate reasons; I'm not upset at all), and maybe the feeling of powerlessness is surging through my veins once more. Carly and I went out for sushi the other day, and I told her, "It's so difficult to meet godly women." She reminded me again that there are more single Christian girls in the world than I know. But that old, nagging question remains--"What's the point?" Every time I get my hopes up, things fall apart. And I pray and I pray, and the answer that comes isn't "No" but "Maybe... Well, probably not." I get my hopes up, and then BAM! it's over. And to top it off, every time one of my friends ends up engaged--which seems to be happening more-and-more as all those folk I grew up with get married off--I feel like a knife is being plunged into my heart and wrenched about like a flopping fish (note: limit similes). I'm just rambling on here, and don't get the impression that I'm really depressed and sad all the time. I'm not. I have my moments, sure, but life is generally going pretty well. Okay. Now to do some writing. K bye.