Monday. I worked 5:30-1:00, spent the day cleaning the Celica and reorganizing my closet, and then I settled down with a beer and the fireplace roaring and Bones on TV. Jacquelyn said she'd definitely be down for going out Wednesday night.
Tuesday. Mandy made an impromptu visit north to see me. She was a bit out of it: a bucket of flower fell on her head at Soho Sushi, and she might've gotten a mild concussion. We went to China Cottage and then chilled in my room. It's so cold and dreary outside. Jacquelyn cancelled: chaos has consumed her family, and she wants to spend tomorrow with her mom, who's legitimately going crazy. My "sixth sense" tells me we'll never meet. I'd be okay with that. Pursuit can be exhausting. In life and theology, I love puzzles. In girls, I want everything to be black-&-white.
Wednesday. My car door was frozen shut this morning, and I had to use a screwdriver to pry it open. Work went by quickly. It snowed all morning, the first of the season. Carly & I got sushi after work, shared stories and much laughter. I told Carly about Jacquelyn, said, "The hunt has resumed. I just need to find, and engage, a decent hunting ground." It was the same place Genna and I went on our first date. By the time we left the snow was falling harder and covering everything. I drove home snow blind and called Jacquelyn. She called things off. Fair enough. I'm strangely content. Not hopeless as usual. After wrapping things up with Jacquelyn, I turned on the fireplace and grabbed an ice cold beer and I worked on Reframing Repentance as the snow continued to fall. Mom had her bible study tonight: the topic was evangelism. I thoroughly enjoyed helping to teach those gathered: Mariah, Katie, and Megan. I fixed coffee for me and Megan--Christmas Blend!--and I fixed Mariah and Katie some tea. Dylan came over and we smoked in the snow and played Mario-Kart.
Thursday. Last night I dreamt I was losing teeth: apparently that's a sign that you feel hopelessly out-of-control? Seems fitting. I had the day off, so I fixed eggs and toast for breakfast and spent several hours at the Route 48 Starbucks writing. Often I feel that I have no reason to hope for God's deliverance, for God to bring me someone wonderful. But I cling to that hope, because even though it hasn't come to fruition in my life, I've seen it happen in the lives of others. I prayed that Mikaela would find a great guy, and in two weeks she did, and they're talking love and marriage. I pray for nearly a decade, and it's just disappointment after disappointment. I know I shouldn't compare my journey to everyone elses: we're all on different paths, things come at us from different directions, that's what makes life interesting (albeit frustrating). My thought is that if God will answer other peoples' prayers for help, and even answer my prayers for him to help others, then maybe, just maybe, he'll answer mine, too. So I'll continue hoping and praying, waiting and watching. In a word: I'll continue surviving.
Friday. Last night I meditated on Psalm 34, and as I bore my heart before God, begging to know why his rescue has come to others but not to myself, an image came to mind: God standing at an open door, begging me, inviting me, to come inside; but all the while I remained outside, sprawled in dust and ash, yelling so loudly that I couldn't hear God's invitation: "Come into the rescue." I pondered this, and again I came to that old saying: "As often as we ask, 'Why, O God?' God asks us, 'Why, O Man?'" I ask God, "How long until you rescue me?" and he replies, "How long until you embrace my rescue?" And what is embracing rescue? REPENTANCE. There remain areas in my life where I continue to worship false gods. My Father demands I repent; and the other side of repentance is rescue, renewal, healing. How long must I continue to obstinately rebel? O LORD, grant me repentance! [And now the awkward transition into a daily recap] I worked 6:30-3:30, deposited my check, and Dewenter came over and we went out to dinner with his Mom, Dad, and sister: China Cottage! We went to DLM afterwards for beer and then back to my place to drink it: Anchor Christmas Ale.
Saturday. A cute girl came into work today, and I talked her into buying some mugs. I was one hell of a salesman, and both Jessica and Carly thought it was hilarious. Mom, Dad, Ams and I drove an hour north to celebrate Grandma Barnhart's birthday with some amazing, down-home, German Baptist cooking at some lady's house. The food: legendary. The coffee: weak. Afterwards we hung out at Grandpa & Grandma's house in New Carlisle, and Ams went back to Cincinnati when we got home late. Three inches of snow fell. It's hard to believe winter's already here.
Sunday. I went to the Centerville Starbucks to do some writing, then hit up Southwest for church. I went by work and smoked with Jessica on her 10. Her sister-in-law had a baby last night, little Luke, so she's an aunt and very excited. After lunch Mom & I went to Wal-Mart, where I got a waterproof watch for work and a wireless keyboard (since my laptop's keys are all jank); and then we grabbed lunch at 5 Guys' Burgers & Fries. Amazing and unhealthy. One of the cute workers kept eyeing me throughout our meal. Either she thought I was cute or I had a stain on my shirt. Dad & I fixed my Celica's headlight and drank beers while doing it. Dylan came over, and we grabbed dinner at a Tex-Mex joint by DLM and played some Wii.
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