conviction

It's been a growing conviction that has risen from circulating undercurrents to a tidal wave that fell upon my heart only hours ago. I have been gifted with such a passion for Jesus, such a passion for His message and His mission, such a hunger and thirst for His Kingdom. I am obsessed. My zeal consumes me and I echo David Crowder: "What can I do with my obsession with the things I cannot see? Is there madness in my being? Is it the wind that moves the trees?" And again, "If I'm out of my mind, it's you, cause I'm crazy in love with You; inebriated by You, cause I'm head-over-heels with You!" I can't deny the passion that runs inside me; I find myself in league with Jeremiah when he cries out, "If I say, 'I will not mention him, or speak anymore in his name,' there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot.'" (Jeremiah 20:9) I can't escape this, and the question David Crowder asked I ask over and over: What can I do with my obsession? And another: What am I DOING with my obsession?

I confess, sadly, that I am hardly doing anything. Part of me has drifted into the misperception that now that I'm in college, I'm learning how to minister. Therefore, part of me has come to subvertly think--though my heart knows it to be wrong--that my greatest duty is just to learn. No! My greatest duty, whether I'm in college or not, is to engage in the Kingdom and take on Jesus' mission of spreading the Kingdom! God has gifted me with such a love for His story, such a passion for teaching, such a heart of love, and yet I spend my free days sitting in my room and hanging with the 4N guys or just shooting pool and playing ping-pong down in the coffeeshop. I can't help but feel I am shirking not only my time, but God's gifts to me.

What am I doing with my obsession? Not much.

What am I doing with the gifts God has given me? Not much.

Should this change? I think so. It's the conviction that tears through my bones.

I don't know what's going to happen after I post this. I hope something happens. I feel that something will happen, and I need to take the initiative. I am in a wide league of others with the very same convictions. Some of my close friends have "organized" cheap outreaches down into Cincinnati, just going and treating the homeless people to a meal and showing them Christ's love. Others are looking into different opportunities to serve through government volunteer organizations like soup kitchens and such. I want to do something, I feel like I have to do something, not out of duty but out of love for the King. I have been keeping this beautiful message to myself: the gospel simply won't allow that.

We are called to serve others in humility. I haven't been doing it. I need to learn humility all over again (as if I ever did in the first place). We are called to take the gospel to all nations, yet I can't remember the last time I actually engaged in conversation about Jesus outside of Church circles (how sad is that?). I'm frightened, sure, but, as one of my friends said, "I'm just gonna be like Joshua when I go against the Philistines: bless it, God, but if you decide not to bless it as I expect you to, protect me!"