the second week

Monday. I started my second Early Week class, Prayer & Spirituality with Snyder. Trista and I ate lunch and talked about Karen and her ex-boyfriend Josh. She lost her virginity and is pretty bummed out about it. I sat next to Kyle C. in class. He’s Courtney’s boyfriend fiancé. I really don’t know how it made me feel. I’m not sure how I feel about anything anymore. Amanda came down to campus and registered for her classes. She ran into Courtney in President’s Hall and told me, “So much anger blew up inside me, and I just wanted to cuss her out.” Instead she just gave her a “death glare.” After dinner I went down to Student Life and played ping-pong with Gambill, and Jessie and Faikham joined us for a trip to the new Kroger on Warsaw (Jobst was working). Gambill and I hung out with Kugler and Stupid Farmer for a while, and I rode along with Kyle as he ran some errands.

Tuesday. Kyle C. kept talking about how he met Courtney, and it made me so mad and sad. Mad, because their fling began while Courtney and I were still together (it doesn’t seem apparent that he knows she technically cheated on me), and sad because I lost her to him the day their love kindled. He talked about how they were planning their wedding, and that frustrated me, because he was complaining about all the difficulties after I had the most difficult time for months trying not to slit my own wrists or swallow a mouthful of rat poison after losing her. He should just be happy that he has such a great girl wearing his engagement ring. But I will remove myself from this tone and focus on all that I have to be thankful for: a plethora of great friends and a fantastic family, not least a devoted, loyal, loving sister. I have clothing and shelter and food. And I don’t have to worry about zombies killing all I love. I ate lunch with Trista, Faikham, and Jessie; and after class I ate dinner with Gambill, Kyle, and Morocco. I visited Jessie, Faikham and Deshay at their table. By the time we got out of the mess hall, it was below freezing and snowing, and the roads were getting bad. Jessie and I retired to Student Life where we played ping-pong for a while. Jessie sobbed, telling me how Kyle had attacked her as a person, how she was falling apart. “You’re such a good friend, Beast. You’re the only person I feel comfortable talking to about this… Not to mention crying.”

Wednesday. I skipped the last half of class to go up to Dayton and get a new phone. By the time I got back to school (around 7:30) the roads were caked in ice. It’s horrific out there. I met Jessie, Stupid Farmer, and Faikham in Student Life. We played ping-pong and shot the breeze. Jessie and I talked for about two hours, exposing our darkest fears and worries. She’s such a good girl. I’m SO HAPPY to call her my friend.

Thursday. Class ended at noon. I was glad to be out of there; Kyle C. talking about his upcoming wedding nonstop just made me irritated. Today he was showing off love letters she wrote him. I almost said, “Hey, she sent me some of those, too,” but refrained. He doesn’t like me. I don’t blame him. I had sex with his fiancé, and who knows what stories she concocted about our sexual exploits. Everyone spins stories, and I am a Master. After lunch I returned home: the Prizm is acting funny, and Dad wants to examine it. As we were looking at the car, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Aunt Teri caught Grandpa M. in an affair by following him in his truck. She confronted him at some woman’s house; she was screaming and crying. Mom drove down to Kentucky. Uncle Bill picked up Grandma. By now I’m sure Grandma knows.

Friday. It’s COLD. In the negatives, and that without a wind chill. Since the beginning of the month, there’s been snow on the ground. This is the coldest and snowiest winter we’ve had. “Global Warming!” everyone’s saying. I drove my car around a bit; once the engine heats up, it isn’t too bad. I called Mom in Kentucky, and she said Grandma is taking the news okay, but she’s obviously REALLY hurt.

Saturday. Faikham called and invited me to go ice-skating with her a few other people, so a bunch of us went down to Fountain Square, threw on skates, and hit the ice. Besides Faikham and me, there was Deshay, Jessie, Katy M., Kugler, Stupid Farmer, Gambill, Jeremy R., and Stephen G. It was like a Single’s Fest. The freshmen guys were pairing up with all the girls. Faikham, Deshay, and Katy M. were the choice picks. It seemed that me, Bullard, Jessie and Gambill were the only ones there just to hang out and skate without ulterior motives. Everyone decided to go to IHOP afterwards, but I declined to go. I was starting to feel depressed, started feelings isolated, alone, unwanted, paranoid. I can’t stop the depression, but at least I can deal with it. “You should stop isolating yourself,” Jessie says, “and force yourself to hang out with people when the sadness is bad. It’s better than being alone.” Damn it. She’s right.

Sunday. I went with Kyle to his church in Northmont and taught a class: The Story of God: from Eden to Eden. It’s one of my stock lessons, and it went really well, though I was a bit rusty, since I haven’t taught it in months. I napped until 6 PM and had a very elaborate zombie dream. It involved Jessie, Amanda, Courtney, and several other people. I love zombie dreams but HATE Courtney dreams. I have them often. She really fucked me up. Well, not her but what we did and what she did to me. The pain in my heart is still there, manifesting itself in my sleep. Amanda moved onto campus this evening; Dad, Gambill and I helped her move into Room 205 in Rine. Gambill, Bullard, Deshay, Faikham, Jessie, Ams and I went to Highlands in Clifton to celebrate her arrival. Stupid Farmer’s love interest, Sarah M., is now dating the Mexican dude named Avon. He was bummed out about it, but now he’s turned his attention onto Ams. Ha. “Stupid Farmer.”