an ending

Before making my decision to move down here to Cincinnati, my Mom asked me, “Are you sure you’re not just doing this because of [insert girl’s name here*]?” And the honest answer was: “Yes.” I never let her factor into my decision, because I knew my decision needed to be greater than that. Was I aware of how moving to Cincinnati might affect things? Sure. But I wasn’t letting that awareness dictate my decision. She pretty much decided (I assume) that she wasn’t interested, and I’m cool with that. N.B.D. And so letting my feelings for someone I’d never be with factor into a life-changing decision, well, that’s just downright stupidity.

And to be honest, I probably shot my chances to hell when I told her that investment in a relationship was my primary concern. Because I’m an idiot, I failed to realize that most people will take “investment” to mean “dating for marriage,” or at least thinking going into it, I could marry this person, and then dating them; or thinking that the whole point of dating is to find someone to marry. Much of what I said probably came off in this light, but to be honest, marriage scares the shit out of me. I mean, you really really think about it, and it’s a scary thought. I’m not saying it scares me so much that I don’t want it to happen; God knows I want to one day be married and maybe have kids (jury’s still out on that one; I can swing either way at this point). It’s just that marriage with commitment, fidelity, friendliness and love is a wonderful, if not the most wonderful thing, on this earth; but marriage without those things, or when only one person embraces those things, can be a devastating, traumatizing, and downright nauseating ordeal. There’s so much potential for both good and bad that to be flippant about it—as many people are, often resulting in the nightmares of adultery, divorce, or worse yet a life chained to someone you can’t stand—is probably the most foolish thing we can do. I take marriage seriously, and it’ll take a great deal of love for me to say, “Yes, I want to marry you.” But, then, I’ve experienced that love before, so I know it’s real; but that’s not the end of the story. Point is, just dating someone to see if you can marry them isn’t something I’m into. I don’t expect to marry every girl I date, nor do I go into it thinking, “This is a trial run for when we start having babies.” That’s just too much.

So what do I mean regarding investment? I mean finding someone with whom you have great chemistry and then becoming a part of their life. Finding someone you can grow with, have fun with, experience life with, someone you can encourage and support and comfort and tease and be playful with and be there for. I’m not talking about a “fling” (although those have their high points) but a “thing.” And, yes, “things” are more difficult and filled with many more risks; but when investment takes place, two people can connect on such a deep level that for while they’re together, they see and taste life differently, they discover themselves a little bit more. And it may not end in marriage, and that’s totally cool. It’s not all about finding someone to have your kids, its success isn’t measured by whether or not it ends with a ring. Life comes in seasons, and sometimes these seasons include investing deeply in someone and discovering new vistas, and when that season’s over, hopefully we’re better off for it and we’ve got great stories to tell. Relationships with investment, whether they end in marriage or not, are beautiful and wonderful things, and I know this because I’ve had it. And I know it’s something to fight for.

Nevertheless, my failure to be clear may have jeopardized my chances from the get-go. I know I could always call and try to clarify that, but I never do. Not because I’m scared, or nervous, or shy about the subject, but because, really, it’s N.B.D. “No Big Deal.” It’s really no big deal, and turning it into that is just catastrophizing a simple situation. It’s not the end of the world, she’s not the only great girl in town, and the fact that nothing ever happened doesn’t reflect in any way on me or her. Sometimes things happen, sometimes they don’t. We’ve all been here before, it’s not uncharted territory, and most of us know just to shrug our shoulders, laugh about the story, and go on.

And history will tell you that despite many things I hope for not coming about, the truth is that I don’t go long between girlfriends. Amos jokingly calls me “a player,” and while my track record may show that, the truth is that I’m not out there manipulating girls into dating me. A girl comes along, she’s cute, she thinks I’m cute, too, and we get to know each other, become open with each other, chemistry flies up, and we date. We invest, and most often the relationship ends on mutual agreements, always very civil. I may be counted statistically as a player, but the majority of my girlfriends—with the exception of the psychotic ones—will tell you, “He was a great guy and a great boyfriend,” and I’m friends with most of them. Point being, things not working out with this girl isn’t a big-ass deal. I’m cool with it. We’re still friends, and that was my ultimate concern. While I’m not “totally” over her, it won’t be long before both (a) my feelings for her dissipate and (b) my feelings grow for someone else. This is a natural, unforced process; feelings unreciprocated won’t last. So, again: N.B.D.

* Congratulations to knowing what an asterisk means! While everyone who reads this blog knows who “the mystery girl” really is, I’m keeping it “mysterious” just because, well, I want to. It’s been the style all throughout, why change it up?