in need of a vision (VII)

Bringing those five aspects of my life together--teaching, writing, learning, family, & faith--and a portrait begins to emerge. "Where do I want to be in five years?" I'll be 31 years old by that time (God, how time flies...), and if I'm honest, I hope that I'm married, maybe even have a kid or two. I'd love to live in a little yellow cottage, tucked into the woods somewhere down a gravel driveway lined with flowering dogwoods. I'll have a job as a history teacher, preferably 8th grade Social Studies where the emphasis is on everything from colonial America through the Reconstruction Era, and I'll be damned good at it. I'll do writing on the side, piecing together stories as I've always loved to do, self-publishing them and letting readers devour them as they wish. I may even have tried my hand at nonfiction, perhaps books on historical subjects or theological matters. My wife and I will be involved in our church, and I'll lead a bible study one night during the week. I'll be in constant touch with my little sister, despite the geographical distance that may wedge itself between us, and likewise with my parents. I'll drive a nice car: by "nice" I don't mean "nice" as most people mean it but "nice" by my experience: runs well and quiet, and preferably has all the hubcaps and even both sideview mirrors. My wife and I will be romantic, going on dates and sharing our lives with one another, comforting and encouraging one another, playing pranks on one another and getting under each others' nerves, but settling bad blood with hot and sweaty sex. We'll be financially stable, even secure, and we'll live frugally, and healthily, and like vines we're intertwined, carelessly growing up and growing old; life will be on our tongues, and it will taste heavenly so good; because La ou tu eleves ton amour, tu eleves ta vie (and, yes, I couldn't help but quote The Hush Sound). But, above all, I'll be a man of God, a man of prayer, my character conforming to that of God's intended standard for genuine humanness. 

There, The Vision.

And now, The Steps.

My Career. The first step, obviously, is school. After wrestling for months over which route to take to achieve my goal of becoming an 8th Grade history teacher, I've finally found the route that's best for me. First is getting my Masters in History, and the second step is getting my teacher's certification. The Masters enables me to qualify for several different alternative teacher programs for those who didn't get their Bachelor's in education or their Masters in Education, and if all goes to play, within three years I'll be ready to work as a history teacher. If the whole teaching thing falls through, a Masters in History does give me leverage against those with bachelors (especially those with bachelors as useless as mine!). I could work full-time as a museum exhibitionist, or do tour guides through American battlefields or find a career in research and writing. And if down the road I change my mind and decide I do want to minister as a vocation, an MAH doesn't hurt at all. School will satisfy my craving for learning, but because learning is such an integral facet of my life, I'll obviously keep doing it once I graduate. There's always time to learn, and even nowadays I'll spend 10-15 hours a week in recreational learning. Ideally I want to dedicate 10 hours a week to study, at the least. As for writing, that needs to be fed as well, and I want to dedicate at the least five hours a week to writing, whether that's fiction, nonfiction, whatever: it's all about honing talent and feeding the beast. 

Family. When it comes to family, the steps to take are twofold. First, Work on Myself. Sharpen who I am, in every dimension, so that am better ready to be a husband when the time comes, and a father when that day arrives. Singleness isn't about being on the prowl, it's about having time to work on yourself and your dreams. When singleness is gone, when the ring's slipped on her finger and we leave the wedding, I'd damned well better be ready for what's coming, and because the root of love is selflessness, there must be the commitment to forsake my own dreams and desires for the sake of the family. But working on myself is just the first side of the coin: there's also the prowl. "Prowl" may not be the optimal word, but being a koala-beast, it's apt. This prowling must be purposeful: I know what I want, I know what I'm looking for. There's no excuse for settling for less, and having known love, or the closest thing to it, in the cold and leaves-swept woodlands of Wisconsin, I can't settle for less than that. Hitting closer to home, I can't sabotage my relationships: I can't let stress and anxiety cloud my judgment, and I need to be ready to get through the hard times as well as the bad without panicking and running for the hills. Self-sabotage, it's a bitch. Purposeful dating also involves being aware of the red flags: marrying a woman who would be a shitty mother, for example, runs contrary to the entire scheme of things. 

Faith. As the cornerstone of my vision, my faith, and the nourishing of it, takes center stage. No matter the landscape of my life, the highs and lows, the tribulations and elations, there's always faith. What matters when the curtain rolls closed isn't what I accomplished (for all our accomplishments will fade) but who I was, and I know that the best I can be is only by God working on my heart and turning me into the person he wants me to. I don't have a checklist for faith, or anything like that, steps to take to reach that goal. St. Paul was wise when he said he didn't yet achieve that goal; and if Paul in his heyday didn't achieve it, I'm proper fucked. It's about nourshing my faith daily, about growing day in and day out, week by week and month by month, slowly transforming like an Animorph into a form reflecting genuine humanness. The method is daily disciplines (reading the scriptures and prayer, for example) and community. I've gone to U.C.C. off-and-on, but I want to make it a habit; and I'm grateful to be involved in a Thursday night small group with Eric & Tiffany, Andy, Amos, the Rileys, a whole bunch of people. It's a godsend, it really is.

The way to move forward is to take steps.

Some of these steps are big, some of them are little.

But there are more steps that don't fit into the five-forked paradigm.

We'll call these The Mixed Bag.

Health is important to me, more-so over the last year or so. I've been exercising more, eating healthier, have cut back on my smoking (but I need to make the final plunge, it's just so damned hard). Financially, I want to be stable and secure, and that means embracing frugal living now. I don't really have a lot of expenditures: grocery, gas, books, the occasional evening out. But somehow I end up scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to my bank account. A better job would certainly help, and I've been perusing different placements, but Tazza Mia works for now. I also want to start focusing on life's little experiences, finding joy in the little things and seeing the beauty in the hidden corners of my life. These can be refreshing, and can make life more colorful, if only you notice them. And finally, I want to be focused on relationships: my relationships with my friends, my family, and my future wife and kids, and not to mention God. Life's about relationships; the rest may just be circumstantial.