the sacred search (I)

I've been reading The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas. He argues that the foundation of marriage must not be sexual attraction, chemistry, or romantic attraction, but a shared mission, partnership in the gospel. I agree with so much that he has to say, and it's awesome to find someone articulating so much of what has been bouncing around in my head over the last couple years. Here are some quotes from the first four chapters (more to come in time):

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“A home established on Matthew 6:33—‘Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you’ (NKJV)—is a glorious thing. While this verse contains a command, it’s also an exciting promise of a rich and meaningful life. When husband and wife are committed in Christ, growing together in the Lord, supporting each other in their spiritual walks, raising children in the fear of the Lord, loving each other out of reverence for God, joy abounds and miracles happen. Selfish people become servants. Self-centered children grow up to become workers in God’s kingdom. Strangers become intimate friends. Daily life is filled with the drama of kingdom building. There are plenty of mistakes, lots of repenting, times of frustration, sickness, and even doubts. But in the end, God’s presence prevails, people are transformed, kingdom work is accomplished, and trials are overcome. If two people join themselves in this mission—if they make their marital choice based on the best person with whom they can accomplish this mission—they are far more likely to have a fulfilling and soul-building marriage.” (17)

“Can I be honest with you? There isn’t a person alive who can keep you enthralled for the next five or six decades. If they’re really funny, really attractive, and you’re really infatuated, you can be enthralled for a few years, but selfish people—even wealthy selfish people, or beautiful selfish people, or famous selfish people—eventually get bored with each other, and the very relationship that once gave them security and life feels like prison and death. No matter how intensely you feel in love now, the same thing will happen to you if you get married without a shared mission.” (18)

“I want you to have a spiritually enriching marriage, a marriage that spawns life, vibrancy, intimacy, a lifetime of memories with your best friend, and the overwhelming joy of creating a family together. Family life is such a good life, and intimate marriage is such an amazing gift. The friendship that results from facing all seasons of life together, praying together, raising kids together, serving the Lord together, having fun, having sex, suffering heartaches and heartbreaks, overcoming setbacks and learning to deal with disappointments, growing together through all of them, creates a bond that no initial sexual attraction or romantic infatuation could ever hope to match.” (19)

“Most married women desire their men to be godly, to have a good sense of humor (life is tough—laughing helps), to be an involved dad, to have a strong work ethic. And yet those four qualities sometimes take a backseat with single women. Some are more attracted to the dreamer who has lots of plans than they are to the workhorse who puts in lots of effort. They value immediate sexual chemistry over a man who keeps his word and lives a respectable life. What so many single women want is a guy who makes their hearts race, their palms sweat, and their sexual chemistry boil, while so many wives want a man they can count on, who will be there for them and their kids every day, and who will faithfully deposit a check in the bank at least once a month.” (45)

“Jesus taught us to base our decisions on something eternal: seeking God’s kingdom and His righteousness. Jesus’s words urge us to find someone with whom we can share a mission instead of an emotional infatuation. Instead of telling us to find someone who makes us lose all sense of objectivity, Jesus’s teachings direct us to make a decision that will lead to righteousness—to seek someone who will inspire us toward godliness, who will confront us when we go astray, who will forgive us when we mess up, who can encourage us with wisdom when we are uncertain about how to proceed.” (51)

“Jesus’s words—indeed, the whole of Scripture—call God’s people to build a spiritual partnership. That’s what you should be looking for: can this person walk with me toward God?” (51)

“[Sexual] intimacy dies in most marriages due to relational issues more than a lack of physical attraction. Two people who genuinely care for each other, are kind to each other, share a mission together, and want to grow together naturally feel a desire to serve each other, and that includes sexual expression.” (52)