the sacred search (II)

“[Those looking for a ‘soul mate’] marry on an infatuation binge without seriously considering character, compatibility, life goals, family desires, spiritual health, and other important concerns. Then when the infatuation fades and the relationship requires work, one or both partners suddenly discover that they were ‘mistaken.’ This person must not be their soul mate after all; otherwise, it wouldn’t be so much work. Next, they panic. Their soul mate must still be out there! Such people can’t get to divorce court fast enough, lest someone steal their ‘one true soul mate’ meant only for them. The sad reality is that when we get married for trivial reasons, we will seek divorce for trivial reasons. We need something much more lasting on which to base a lifelong commitment—one that even has eternal implications.” (58-59)

“[The] top thing a young man should consider is this: ‘Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.’ (Prov. 31:30). The Bible tells young men to search for a woman of character; it reminds these men that while looks won’t last, godly character improves with age. It says nothing—absolutely nothing—about ‘feelings.’ It even warns against putting too much emphasis on physical attraction or social grace. Instead, this verse makes a woman’s faith the defining characteristic of her suitability to be an excellent wife.” (61)

“When we jump forward to the New Testament, there is no hint at all about finding ‘the one person’ that God created ‘just for you.’ It’s far more a pragmatic choice: do you think you’ll sin sexually if you don’t get married (1 Cor 7:2)? Are you acting improperly toward a woman you could marry (1 Cor 7:36)? If so, go ahead and get married—it’s your choice, and God gives you that freedom. But notice this: the choice is made on the basis of seeking righteousness.” (62)

“Scripture thus tells us that it is our choice whether we want to get married and who we want to marry. In other words, you get to choose. This isn’t a denial of God’s providence, nor does it preclude God leading two people together in certain cases. Rather, it’s the Bible’s way of saying that while marriage is really important, it’s also something God lets us decide whether we want to be participants in, and who we want to be participants with. God has given you an awesome responsibility, so choose wisely.” (63)

Gary Thomas gives a series of biblical mandates on choosing a marriage partner: “Is the person a believer who fears God (Prov. 31:30) and who is biblically eligible for marriage (Mark 10:11-12)? How do they handle their money (Prov. 31:16, 18)? Is this person a hard worker (Prov. 13:4)? Do they live an upright life (Prov. 13:6)? Does this person wound people with their words, or are they an encourager (Prov. 12:18)? Are they peaceful, or are they quarrelsome (Prov 17:19)?” (65)

“[Biblical] love isn’t based on feelings; it’s based on sacrifice. The Bible calls men to act like martyrs toward their wives, laying down their lives on their wives’ behalf (Eph. 5:25). Titus says older women need to train younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4). Need I point out, men and women, that these are severe verses, to an extreme? Martyrdom on behalf of your wife? Being ‘trained’—actively studying and learning—how to love your husband? This is heavy stuff.” (67)

“These passages alone are enough to tell us that within marriage, love is not an emotion; it’s a policy and a commitment that we choose to keep in the harshest of circumstances. It’s something that can be learned and that we can grow in. Biblical love is not based on the worthiness of the person being loved—none of us deserves Christ’s sacrifice—but on the worthiness of the One who calls us to love.” (67)

“A ‘sole mate’ appreciates that marriage is a partnership committed to the task of walking out the biblical mandate to always put love first. It’s not marked by the couple who displays the most emotion, with the biggest smiles on their faces, who can’t keep their hands off each other; but rather, the women or men who, through the duties and sacrifice of marriage, have trained themselves to love with God’s love. They walk out the gospel on a daily basis, forgiving, serving, and putting others first in the most ordinary issues of life and in such a way that they see themselves in training for godliness. Such a couple will grow together, as surely as merely sentimental couples will grow apart. A biblical sole mate who walks in this truth, who daily travels God’s journey of sacrificial love, and who’s willing to go ‘into training’ for godliness is a far more stable foundation upon which to build a lifelong partnership than the thought of the philosopher Plato.” (68)