a complex situation

The situation is complicated, to say the least. Last night the decisions of a certain someone put my sister in physical danger, and now she's terrified to even go to the apartment due to threats against her life. I thank God again and again that the douschbag involved was prevented from causing her harm as he went at her. The moment is over, but the danger remains: people like him are a menace to society, as the saying goes. This man doesn't have any quibbles about abusing women, and his own self-centered rage makes him a lethal weapon. The situation is complicated because the person who did this is dating my sister's roommate, a person who has repeatedly shown that she will make stupid decisions at the expense of the interests of others. I have, for the most part, overlooked this about her; but when my sister is put in danger, that changes things. My care for her roommate runs deep through my veins, and I am torn between what to do. There are no simple answers. Regarding Amanda, I know where I stand. Regarding her roommate, I don't know where I stand. The command to love in the Bible is put to the test when it comes to things like this--"How can I love someone who makes choices that endanger the life of the person closest to me?" Sure, she'll say this was a fluke, that it'll never happen again; but if she doesn't change the course of her actions, then that saying will become just as empty and hollow as all the others. These things escalate, they don't simmer down. I've been of the disposition that it's her life, not mine, she can do what she want, and I'll be there for her when she comes crawling back out of the abyss she's dug, even offering her a hand if she can't get out herself. But, again, when it gets to the point to where my little sister is in danger, there's a line that's drawn. The same man who threatened her threatened my life a while back; I remember being in that spot, seeing his rage and anger--a foolish, self-centered wrath--and knowing that if this man became anymore unhinged, I'd be a dead man. I prayed and prayed and thank God he backed away, saying something like I wasn't worth it or shit like that. I know this man, I've seen him in flying colors face-to-face, and I know from his history--a better word would be his literal rap-sheet--that he would have no qualms about hurting Amanda. He's not all talk, and that's a scary thing. Some people are so dehumanized that they will injure others for the slightest "offense"; he's one of those types.

Regarding Amanda, I know what to do. Regarding her roommate, what am I to do? The situation is complicated even more by the fact that she is in an abusive relationship, everyone knows it, but she won't face the facts. She makes excuses for every abusive thing he does. When it was just verbal abuse, she said, "Well, he would never hurt me." After two years of tearing her down emotionally and bringing her to tears every night, he started breaking her things and going into fits of rage. "He just has a bad temper, it's not his fault." Then he started abusing her, and we get more excuses: "It's not really him who's doing it, it's his anger. I still see the good in him." What good in him? Stories abound about women like her in relationships like this, the escalation with time, finally culminating in murder or at least something close to it. Just as she said he would never hurt her, so now she says he'll never hurt her "that bad." I want to scream in her ear, I want to open her eyes, but she's clamped her hands over her eyes and clenched her eyes shut. She refuses to acknowledge what's going on, refuses to see that he's just using, abusing, and manipulating her (despite his own confession that "I control you, you stupid bitch."). What am I to do regarding someone who is so blind, who keeps running into the arms of someone who is abusive? Oh, call the cops, you say. Yeah, we've done that. It's not so simple. Unless she ends up in the E.R., she pretty much has to ask the cops to help. They can't intervene otherwise (or at least that's what we've been told after multiple police incidents). What am I to do when I care about her deeply, when I love her like a sister? I want to talk to her about this, but so many thoughts are running through my head--and she's ignoring me, rightly-so, because she knows what will happen--that I can't just pick up the phone and call her (though if I did, she wouldn't answer). I love her like a sister, and that makes this whole thing hard as hell.

But she's not my sister. Amanda is my sister. I'll do good by her. She trumps her roommate any and every day. If I have to choose, as it were, loyalty to one of the other, then I would choose Amanda, despite the pain that would cause me. If she's putting my sister in danger, the line has been drawn. If she wants to keep screwing up her life, despite having the ability to change it within her means and the shrieking of friends and family in her ears about it, so be it. But when she starts screwing up other peoples' lives, and my sister's life at that? I won't stand for that.

And what am I to do about the douchebag who threatened my little sister? Charges may be filed, but I know the guy. The criminal justice system doesn't operate that fast, and if he finds out between the period of the filing of the charges and the actual arrest or whatever, I fear--legitimately--that he'll seek his own perverted sense of "justice" (which would really be serving his own self-centered ego). And if the charges don't stick, then what? Yes, knowingly threatening someone can land you in prison for ten years; but that doesn't always happen. Sometimes the charged goes free. And this guy is a guy who doesn't let grudges die. If he buries the hatchet, it would be in my sister's head. All of this is quite frightening. What, as a Christian, am I to do? How am I to pray? Am I to pray that God will judge this man? I've found that most often when we pray for God to judge someone, it's because we (a) are actually jealous of that person, (b) want revenge, or (c) we want an escape from the fear and oppression. It's quite self-centered. Last night, when we got the call from Amanda around 3:30 in the morning, as she was sobbing about what had just happened, I quietly did what a wise old man once told me to do in this situation: pray that God will deal with him as he sees fit. I know what I--in my selfishness--want God to do. But I pray that God will do what he sees fit to do. 

introducing: autumn

an excerpt

Repentance, faith, baptism—all of this leads to a renewed relationship with God. It is an act of God, a declarative speech-act, that transfers us from one end of the spectrum to the other. It is the speech-act that bridges the metaphorical chasm; it is the speech-act that takes Genesis 3 and kicks it out the window. Those who were once disallowed from entering the Throne Room of God can now, thanks to salvation and justification, enter boldly and speak with their King. Those who were banished outside the city walls of Zion are now in Zion and can walk the streets, celebrating and dancing and laughing and drinking. Sadly, thanks to the guilt-complexes dispelled by our culture, most Christians, while acknowledging in theory that they now have access to the Throne Room and are now inside the city, don’t actually appropriate it for themselves. They’ll stand in the corner of the Throne Room, or cower in the farthest corner of the city, curling into a little ball. The knowledge that we “stumble in many ways” (as St. James puts it) keeps us, psychologically, from embracing the reality that has befallen us: forgiveness has taken place; justification has taken place; we are in a new and right standing with God. Knowledge of our sins should invoke humility; but humility should not be equated with cowardice. 

That excerpt is from page 178 of my book on repentance. It's prefaced by a short survey of justification, and it's all about the event of our status before God being changed. I decided to post it up here because I find it ironic that those things I write which I hope to eventually have an affect on readers often have an affect on me. Like this here. "Sadly... most Christians... don't actually appropriate [this] for themselves." I would have to say, with equal sadness, that I often fall into that group. There are guilt-complexes that I am constantly at war with, seeking to crucify in thought and deed and sometimes failing miserably. I do sin, we all do. And every night when I look over my day, I find myself again confronted with my sin. And I feel awful about it, genuinely remorseful. And this "feeling" hinders my prayers. I don't stand boldly in the throne room, I don't leap and dance and drink in the city of God. I know, theologically, that I have entered the throne room, that I have come to Mt. Zion; it's nothing of my own doing, but the doing of God. And while I know this this theologically, I don't know it--in the intimate sense--pragmatically. *sigh* It's not like a switch can be thrown. I must continue pursuing the renewing of my mind through the scriptures and through prayer and by the power of the Spirit. 

i'm a burn victim

I burnt my hand something awful at work. I took half the day off and after a visit with the Doc I spent the rest of the day lounging around, nursing my wound, watching episode after episode of Law & Order. I've really been getting into it. Mom had her bible study here so I ran to D.L.M. for some groceries--eggs!--and by the time I got back a cold front had moved in. Lots of thunder and lightning, cold rains. Dylan and Tyler came over, and we found a tree frog and I caught it and took it inside to show Mom and she thought it was cute until it jumped on her. Tomorrow I work 6:30-2:00 and don't really have plans for the day. So I'm sure I'll be watching a lot more "Law & Order" and probably reading another chapter in N.T. Wright's "Climax of the Covenant." Regarding yesterday's post, I am just seeking God's will in all this--if he has any sort of "will"--and hoping for some clarity. For the meantime (here we go again) I'll just keep slaving away at Starbucks. 

Dylan and I are doing a one-week vegetarian thing together. Basically just eating fruits and vegetables and whole grains. I'm eating eggs, too, and I think that's legit (it's the vegans who don't eat eggs, right?). Basically we just want to see if we can do it. So tomorrow I'll probably have some bread and a fruit for lunch, then rice and mushrooms for dinner. Maybe throw a boiled egg in there somewhere. I've decided to stop focusing on "weight loss" and instead aim for muscle building. I'm tone but I need to bulk up. Dylan's good at bulking up, and he's going to show me the ropes. When it comes to getting tone, I'm a master. But bulking up? Not my specialty.

Well. My hand hurts from typing. 

And my eyes are sliding shut. 

So good night.

in the meantime

I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it sucks. I have a degree in biblical studies, am working full-time in the world of coffee, and I have borderline zero interest in doing “professional” and “institutionalized” ministry. Perhaps part of the way I feel—this restlessness tinged with complacency—is due to the fact that I enjoy making coffee and I don’t really want to do ministry, even though that’s what my degree is in. I could always go get my Master’s in something, but what would I get it in? And how in the hell would I afford it? Rob is passionate about coffee, and he’s got an amazing job with Taza Mia in Cincinnati. I enjoy coffee, but I’m not passionate about it like he is. I’m passionate about writing, but most people who know this will tell me, “Make a living off your writing!” without realizing how extremely difficult that actually is. The majority of authors devote their entire lives to it and get nowhere. It has nothing to do with how talented you are; rather, it has to do with whether or not you catch a lucky break. On the one hand, I really enjoy writing stories, and I’m good at it. On the other, I’m a realist and know that “making a living” as a published author would be both a dream come true and just that—a dream come true. I also enjoy biblical studies, studying the scriptures and all that, figuring out the puzzles of Christianity and looking at things in different lights, so I’ve been trying to figure out a way to integrate my love for writing and my love for the scriptures. The simplest thing I can think of would be to write bible studies or devotionals. Thing is, I haven’t actually used a bible study or a devotional in about 5-6 years. I don’t know what they’re like! That’s probably a good thing, if I try to do this; but, in the end, I find myself in a sea of “unknowing” regarding what I want to do in life. So in the meantime I’ll just keep working at Starbucks and be paying my bills. 

the dayton days [37]

Jessica excited about some sushi

Monday. Why do I think I can't get a girl until I reach 130#? The evidence is stacked against that assumption. This past summer alone two girls were head-over-heels for me: Faith & Clare. There are TONS of guys out there who are overweight or, like me, "fit & healthy" who are with, even married to, great girls. What matters most to girls is personality and confidence. What's lacking is confidence. I've got a helluva lot of personality.

Tuesday. Dewenter came over after work at his new job with Meade, designing calendars and stuff like that. We grilled chicken out back and made some baked potatoes, and I cooked some rolls from DLM.

Wednesday. After opening together, Carly, Jessica C. and I went and got sushi. Jessica and I had sake; it was good but gave both of us a headache. Afterwards we got drinks from work and Carly left, and Jessica and I sat on the patio and talked for about an hour. Mom had her bible study later in the evening so I went to work for some iced tea and journaling and had cottage cheese before bed.

Thursday. Mom, Dad & I went to the Mall to visit Mariah at Chic-fil-A. I ran by DLM for groceries. Faith said everyone's amazed by my skills on bar: it's become consistent that I work 8-hour days on bar, simply because I'm the best. Faith confessed that in the beginning, she was worried I wouldn't be able to handle the mornings, and slanted me for some closing shifts; now, she says that she puts me on morning as much as possible because I help hold things together. Ha! I honestly think the transition from doing drinks RIGHT at the Hilltop to the Starbucks version of those same drinks is what killed me early on.

Friday. The gas leak in my Prizm is even worse. Ugh. It's one thing after another sometimes, it really is. The Jeep was a good car: the Prizm blows. I hope the next car I get is somewhat decent. Mandy called, told me that Rob was quitting Refuge and might get another job with an actual coffee shop. "He could always try to get you a job so you can move down here!" she exclaimed with electric excitement.

Saturday. After opening the store I jetted down to Cincinnati and grabbed lunch with Sarah at the apartment. She had her car towed, Keith's dropped her for yet another girl, and yesterday her grandpa died at the nursing home in Wilmington. So she's had a pretty shitty weekend. She went to work and Blake, Ams, Jessie (in town from Illinois), Tony & I met up with Gambill downtown at Rock Bottom Brewery. Blake got me a shot of bourbon and I also had some hummus and a Sexy Bex. It was good seeing Gambill. We walked around Fountain Square and a band was playing.

Sunday. I stayed overnight at the Claypole House, and Mandy & I got breakfast at The Anchor. "It's ridiculous how much weight you've lost," she said. "It's absolutely incredible." Last night Gambill said, "You look like you did freshman year! It's crazy!" Blake & I hung out at the Claypole House and we participated in a coffee tasting with Rob (who quit Refuge and is now part-owner of Tazza Mia). Mandy, Rob & I went to Mount Lookout and got coffee and took pics at Ault Park. Dinner was sushi at Thai Taste, and after smoking hookah with Amos & Isaac I headed home. Cincinnati is always refreshing.

more randomness (and sushi, too)

After posting yesterday, Mandy, Rob and I went to Ault Park in Mount Lookout and took lots of pictures of autumn trees. I love this time of year (even though it was 90 degrees out yesterday; ridiculous!). Afterwards we went by a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop for drinks, and then we hit up Thai Taste back in the west-side. Rob had Pad Thai, I believe; Mandy had some soup and spring rolls; and I had two rolls of fantastic sushi (see below). I always love being in Cincinnati and now I'm home and working on my PDP for work. I thought I worked in the morning but I guess I'm working a mid. Oh well. At least I have tomorrow off. It'll be a good day to knock out yet another chapter in "Re:framing Repentance." The rest of the week I work a bunch of mornings. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Sunday I have off, and I hope to spend it with that weird Patrick kid. Here's a picture of the sushi I ate at Thai Taste (yes, I love sushi):