cincinnati trip

Dylan and I went down to Cincinnati yesterday, his "going away party" of sorts with our friends down there. We arrived at Mandy's around 3:00 and hung out with Amos, Mandy, Rob, and Amanda for a good long while. Even Isaac swung by. So much laughter, so many memories, lots of great moments, too many to count. Both of us had a fantastic time, and we polished it off with brewery nachos and barbecue pizza at Rock Bottom Brewery, our favorite downtown restaurant, located right on Fountain Square. All in all it was a great night, and I'm coming to see more each day how much I'll miss Dylan once he leaves. Less than two weeks now. Oh, I'll be seeing him a lot during that time (he's having his official going-away party this Saturday, sure to be a good time; I'm bringing my bourbon and we're going to take a going-away shot, toasting him for his travels and work in Mozambique). He'll be keeping an online journal, www.dylanyosick.com. I'll be visiting it nearly every day, I'm sure, to keep up with his experiences, adventures, and challenges in Africa. Please do the same if you love him even a small fraction as much as I do.

the dayton days [68]

Monday. I woke around 9:00, had coffee with Blake, Amos, and Mandy. Ams and I headed back to Dayton around noon. She dropped me off at my car in the employee lot and then went to run errands. I went into the shop and smoked with Jess on her 10. Dylan came over and we took cameo shots taking bourbon and "accidentally" got drunk. We parted ways around 5:00, and I met up with Mom, Dad, & Ams at The Olive Garden for our one-day-late Mother's Day celebration. 

Tuesday. I had four shots of espresso for breakfast. Jess finished her art project for work: a canvas painted with espresso. It looks pretty badass. I worked 2-9:00. It was crazy, especially until 5:00: 3-5:00 is Frappuccino Happy Hour. It's one step removed from hell (wouldn't that be purgatory?). Heat lightning peppered the horizon during my drive home. My cousin Jesse texted me: they're having a baby!

Wednesday. Lots of storms overnight followed by a breezing 6-12:00 with Carly and Jess. Jess and I shared lots of stories and laughter, and she bellied out with mention of my pointy "birthing hips." I call them "pelvic horns." I spent the evening hanging out with Carly: we went to her parents' condo, chilled outside in the sun with her mom and her sister Sammy.  Carly told me, "I'm so PISSED at Jess! She likes you! She knows you two would be great together! But she won't let herself experience something great!" Dylan and I got Gyro Palace for dinner--a "Going Away Dinner"--and then went back to the house for Mario-Kart paired with Woodford Reserve. 

Thursday. Hot. Humid. Rainy. I worked 6:30-3:30. Jess and Carly went out to eat for lunch, a super hush-hush event, and Cars told me they did a lot of talking about me. Really good talks. The freak-out is over. She calmed down, wrestled through the shit, and she told Carly, "I see potential with Anthony. I see a future there." She confessed to being drawn to me like a moth to light when she started working at Starbucks but turned a blind eye to it when she was promoted; but when I was dating Leah, she had to face the feelings surging up. She's seeing more and more the potential: her attraction to me isn't just because I'm cute and strong, it's due to "chemistry". Her attraction isn't surface-level, it's bone deep. She's attracted to me: my personality, my heart, my character, who-I-am. That's where the connection is. But as she relayed the conversation, it became clear: Jess is attracted to ME, but she's not so sure about my looks. Not that I'm unattractive: she's just into tall, husky, muscle-ripped guys. 

Friday. I worked a long and tiring 6-2:30. I spent the day in a fog, tried to wrestle free of it with some coffee and Cat-time at Starbucks, but it didn't work. Shitty days come. Best to just sleep it off.

Saturday. I worked 2:30-Close, my last close for a while. And my last Happy Hour for the year, thank God. I worked with Carly, Kyle, Asenath, and closed with Danny and Abby. Jessica and I had plans, but she cancelled. It's what she does now. *SIGH* I hate this. I never should've said anything, I feel like I'm getting tossed to-and-fro because she has no idea what she wants. It's a tempting idea, to just call it off completely and ask for a damned transfer so I'm not around her anymore.

Sunday. I had the day off and went to Starbucks to work on revising "Reframing Repentance." Jess came and sat with me for a bit, good and casual talking. My car's radiator is hosed, leaking everywhere, smoking like a Gandalf pipe. I ordered a new radiator, hopefully it'll fix the problem. 

5.15.11

Last night turned out to be quite rough. I got home around 11:30 following a long closing shift, and curling up into bed, I found myself overwhelmed by the knowledge of the disappointment and futility that has characterized my life thus far. “Death is not that which I fear, but life and its promise of misery at every turn.” An excellent quote. Hope has duped me yet again. I let my guard down, and it swooped in for the kill, sank its teeth into the soft of my neck. I must shatter this (self-)deception and crucify these laughable hopes on the altar of reality. *SIGH* I’m done trying to figure out why my life is the way it is. I’m done asking why I’ve been dealt this hand; the only thing I can do is try and play the game the best I can with the cards I hold. Some people have royal flushes, others have two pairs of Aces; I’ve got a mismatch of clubs and diamonds. Nothing I can do with that but fold and watch my dreams pass me by. In the past I’ve fought for my dreams, even to the point of spilling blood. But no more. I’ve embraced a sort of resignation. This is life:

What you want, you can’t have.

What you have, you can’t keep.

And that which you love will, eventually, be taken from you.

The best course-of-action isn’t to deny this, nor to try and argue it away. No, the best thing to do is to accept it. Embrace reality for what it is, not for what you want it to be. Reality doesn’t cater to our wants nor our whims, and if we try to color it up as something it’s not, we’ll just find ourselves bitch-slapped across the face. The deeper the delusion, the deeper the sting. I don’t like reality. I don’t want it to be like this. But I’ve got no say in the matter. 

the end of the week

The blogger website was down off-and-on for the last few days, seemingly whenever I actually wanted to post. Don't regard the lack of posts as evidence of my laziness. This will be a multi-layered post, with three parts: (a) the events of my week, (b) developing currents with the whole "girl" thing, and (c) news regarding some of my writing. If you're name is Blake, you'll probably just be interested in points (A) and (B), since you told me yourself, "I mainly just read about your daily events." So I'll go into detail just for you, Buddy.

Tuesday. Since I posted last Monday, I'm starting this off on Tuesday. I spent the morning/afternoon running a few errands, picked up some sunglasses, and played with Sky for a bit. I worked 2-9:00. Starbucks is doing their once-a-year "Frappuccino Happy Hour," which is really two hours (3-5:00) and not happy in the least (at least not for we who have to work it). It's essentially one step removed from hell (would that be purgatory)? J.J. noticed that my arms are looking bulkier. They'd better be, with all the exhausting workouts I've been doing over the past month or two. Even if it's not visible, I can tell the difference in the weights I lift. I've already increased five pounds, which is a pretty good leap forward. Next week it'll be 7 1/2 pounds since I started. Since I had to go in at 6:00 Wednesday, I went home, did some pilates, and went straight to bed.

Wednesday. Worked 6-12:00, a princess shift with a great crew. Jessica and I smoked before I headed home, and we joked about my "birthing hips", which are in actuality quite small (I'm a size 29-30, depending on the pants) but with bony "pelvic horns." I kinda feel like a pachycephalosaurus, which really isn't a bad feeling. They're bad-ass. Later in the day I hung out with Carly at her parents' house. We lounged around on the sofas for a while and then I left to enjoy Gyro Palace with the fantastic Dylan Yosick. It was a "last meal" that really isn't a "last meal," but we took pictures to make it look official. We went back to the house and we each took a shot of bourbon and sat on the front porch and smoked cigarettes. I climbed a tree and nearly fell out of it, scraping up my arm something awful. It still hurts. Here's the two of us enjoying our fantastic lamb gyros:

Thursday. After my 6:30-3:00 shift, I spent the day cleaning around the house, working out, playing with Sky. I went back to work to see Carly on her ten, and we sat on the patio and I smoked a cigarette and she drank her chai and we shared lots of laughs. I rushed home and went to bed.

Friday. Today's been pretty decent. Worked 6-2:30, then took a nap, and fixed dinner for the family. Grilled chicken sprinkled with olive oil and Italian herbs. Parmesan-encrusted roasted red potatoes (also with olive oil, along with some garlic seasoning and sea salt). I went by work to do some writing with free coffee and hung out with Carly and Mark (Abby's husband) on the patio, smoking our cigarettes and drinking our coffee. I'll miss these simple times. Storms are moving in and the temperatures are dropping. 

Okay, there's Part A. Now for Part B: developments regarding the whole "girl" situation. I've written about it on here a few times, and if you don't know about it, then scroll the fuck down and read it, because I don't want to go through it all again. There haven't really been any developments on the matter, as she's been pretty difficult to get a hold of. I don't know if she's avoiding me, feels awkward, or is just downright busy. I don't think she's ignoring me, as when I have seen her here-and-there, things have been quite friendly and good-natured. Nevertheless, the anxious little beast in my squirms for some sense of understanding, but I must be content to be left in the Void of Unknowing for the present moment. In time I'll know what's going on. Till then... Patience. Or something along those lines.

Now Part C. I've finished the first rough draft of "Re:framing Repentance." It's at 335 pages, and I've begun the tedious process of the second draft: going through it sentence-by-sentence, paragraph-by-paragraph, page-by-page, screening the text for inaccuracies, inconsistencies, and bad grammar. The most difficult is weeding out passive voice. When writing fiction, I write almost entirely in active voice; but when writing non-fiction, some switch is flipped and everything comes out passive. It's frustrating. Nevertheless, I'm about 1/4 the way through it, and it's looking good so far. I've already gotten one person to look through the second draft (Carly, who loves editing, and gets excited whenever she can bring out that red pen), and I may be able to have my dad or Joe (an elder at Southwest) look through it, as well. I'm just going to go the self-publishing route with it, because I don't have the credentials to get it published commercially. I've already started piecing together in my mind my next "non-fiction" work, entitled "An Ecclesiasticus: the confessions of a stoic christian atheist." It should be interesting. 

mother's day (II)

Upon waking up this morning, I found myself clutching a wonderful cup of French-pressed Rwandan (sorry for the confusion Tyler: I didn't actually press a native from Rwanda). A delightfully mild roast whose surprising taste surprisingly lingered. Thanks to Mandy for pressing the coffee: Blake, Amos and I were quite pleased. Back home I got some chores down around the house and even got to see Dylan for a bit. His going-away party is coming up, and I'm going to sneak him some bourbon for top-secret shots; and later this week I'm taking him out to Gyro Palace so that we can dine one last time. He leaves in three weeks, and the realization of it still hasn't hit me. I'm sure when it does, I'll find myself so discombobulated that I won't know how to function. This evening we celebrated Mother-Boy with a surprisingly speedy dinner at The Olive Garden. It was good to have the whole family together for an old tradition. These family dinners hardly happen anymore, with everyone being so busy all the time. Behold my entree: Seafood Portafino. Mussels, scallops, shrimp, and mushrooms thrown over noodles with a wine-butter sauce. Not fantastic for the waistline but indubitably so for the taste buds. 

the dayton days [67]

Ams & I gathered in Rob & Mandy's room

Monday. J.J. & I opened together, and I did tips during the shift meeting. Once the meeting concluded, Carly and I grabbed lunch from Gyro Palace and went to her place and watched the new "Sherlock Holmes" movie. She talked about drama with Devyn and told me she talked to Jess about me again, that Jess wouldn't confirm nor deny liking me. "I don't think she's being secretive, I think she's genuinely conflicted." Carly's fear is that if something DOES develop between me and Jess, I'll end up steamrolled by her cutting off the relationship if the stakes of investment get too high. "You're a good guy. A perfect guy? No. But a good guy, a cut above the rest. I know this. Jess knows this. And deep down, beneath all of the confliction, she WANTS a good guy, and I honestly think she likes the idea of being with you, even if she squashes down the idea so as not to have to deal with it. Tell or don't tell her how you feel, it's up to you. But, Anthony, I don't want you to be used, to be steamrolled. It happens to a lot of good guys, and I know you've dealt with it time and again, but I really don't want that to happen to you." And neither do I; but it's always a possibility, and there's always risk involved. Oh, some good news: Jessie & Tony are engaged!

Tuesday. Jessica came over after work, nearly in tears because of how difficult things went during her shift; and she's still tired from the move to Wilmington. She calmed down, and we smoked cigarettes, chilled in my room, played with Sky. I told her she was beautiful. She just laughed. She left around 5:00. I took a nap and went to DLM and ran into Carly and Alison. I got sushi and they got sandwiches and we split our dinners in the mezzanine.

Wednesday. I worked 7-3:30. Cars opened, and Jess took over around noon. Mom met Jess yesterday, told me, "She's such a nice girl." Ams called, asked me if I'd told her that I like her. "Not yet." I decided to tell her, and this is how it went down this afternoon: I met up with her at the 'Bux after her shift, and we picked up food at Gyro Palace and went to eat at the pavilion at North Park. As we were eating, I told Jess, "I like you." It came to her as no surprise. She'd suspected it, and Faith was confident of it. "She always makes all sorts of comments, even inappropriate ones," Jess said; "She really wants us to date." She said she's attracted to me. "We get along so well, we can be open and honest with one another, vulnerable with one another, and even our quiet moments aren't awkward. I'm comfortable with you, and I know I can trust you." She even said, "The way we connect... I haven't had this in a long time." At the same time, she's not 100% sure about her attraction to me. "My type has generally been tall, burly, jackass guys." I'm not tall, I'm skinny, and I'm certainly not a jackass or an asshole (though I do have my moments). The fact that I'm NOT her type, and that she's attracted to me, is causing her to question the attraction, hence the hesitancy. Nevertheless, she knows that there's something about me that stands out, even if she can't put a name to it. When she started at the 'Bux, she was drawn to me; when she was promoted, she forgot about it. And when she found out Leah and I were dating, it all came back. "I was jealous of Leah, and it surprised me!" The jealousy came from nowhere, and she started questioning things again. I told her that I like her more than I liked Leah. "That makes me happy," she beamed. She says her main concern about us dating is, obviously, work. She's a shift. I'm a barista. We're not allowed to date. She does know that we can date in secret, but is hesitant like Leah was. In the end, she's still trying to figure out EXACTLY how she feels about me. And so we suggested we go on a date. We finished our meals feeling pretty elated (or, at least, I did), and then her roommate Emily came by, and we climbed some trees and smoked some cigarettes and a storm rolled through and the tornado sirens went off. Once everyone parted ways I called Carly and told her how everything went. She screamed over the phone: "OMG, this makes me so happy!" I'm optimistic, I really am. Jess told me to call her tomorrow: that's a call I won't miss.

Cinco de Mayo. I worked a grueling 5:30-2:00. Cars was a wreck: her family cat had to be put down. I went by work to get some espresso after working out, and Cars was there and she said, "I had an hour-long conversation with Jess, and it was very good." She told me that Jessica is most definitely attracted to me, and that scares me. She's used to non-committal flings, casual dating, and "bad guys." She knows that I'm a good guy, we'd be good together, and that this wouldn't be a "casual" thing. And that scares her because she wants that, if that makes any sense; and all this has made her stop dead in her tracks and question where she's at in life, her relationship with God, her own selfishness, going from "me" to "we." On top of all this, Jess sees potential with me. Not just random, convenient dating, something to fill the gap between Now and Then. She's been forced to think about her future, even marriage, and that scares her on one hand and excites her on the other. Uncharted territories and unforeseen vistas are beginning to emerge as if out of the mist, and her attraction to me supersedes "he's cute and fun" in a way that goes beyond her attraction to other guys in the past. This is something new, unknown, and it's heavy. And thus the hesitancy. It isn't due to her not liking me or even knowing if she likes me; it's her liking me in a way that shows potential. "She's very optimistic," Carly said. "She likes you far more than she's letting on. She may seem to be flippant about you, but she was quite honest with me."

Friday. I dreamt that Jess turned me down for some athletic jock. I worked 6:30-12:30 and then Carly and I went to DLM for lunch. She told me that Jess admitted that "Anthony and I are perfect for one another." But she warned me, "Any road you guys walk will be a long one. She's terrified of commitment, of being serious and invested in someone. This will take a lot of patience on your part, and you have to be okay with that." Jess called me, said she's so used to being the one who sacrifices in a relationship. I told her sacrifice is a two-way street: "I won't try to talk you out of Grad School. I'll support you and encourage you, do what I can to help you." She's afraid of losing independence. I told her I want "us" being a collective, not her being absorbed into my life in such a way that hers is tossed aside. The date's cancelled: she got freaked out and bailed. She confessed, "Usually I date a guy, and when it gets serious, I jump ship. It's nothing because of you or what you said. It's just me being me, and I can't explain it." 

Saturday. I worked 6-2:30. Carly came over after church, and we played with Sky. Jess called her while we were there, so she went into my room to talk to her. Once she was done, we went to Penn Station. She ate and I just hung out, and she told me what went down: "Jess is really freaking out." I caught on: she cancelled the date, avoided me all day at work, is trying to isolate herself from us so she doesn't have to deal with all her weird and convoluted emotions. I hated hearing it, so much so that I gnawed my finger down till it bled down my hand. "She knows she's being stupid, and this won't last forever. She knows it's her issues. It's not you." 

Mother's Day. Dewenter and I met up for lunch at China Cottage around 11:00. I told him all about the drama with Jess. Tyler joined us, too, said, "So you dated one girl at Starbucks and may date another? Say what you want about your inability to get a girl, but you're starting to look like that place's Mac Daddy." We went back home, and Jess called me from work: Carly passed out at home, cars were wrapped around the DT, and she needed help. I went in plain-clothed for an hour, pretty much saved her life. She was super stressed out: "And I was THIS close to stepping down to a barista." She was glad to see me, by the time I left we were laughing and cracking jokes. Rob & Mandy were in town for Mother's Day, so they picked me up at my work and ferried me down to the Claypole House, and we spent the afternoon hanging out with Amos, Ams, and Blake. We had a delicious homemade dinner and spent the evening smoking cigarettes on the front porch. I passed out in Rob & Mandy's room, and Rob was going to carry me downstairs but I managed. I passed out in the spare bed in the walkthrough room. 

mother's day

I'm not an awful son: I got my mom a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a mother's day card. Of course, I gave her everything yesterday; 'cause the best bouquets go up in price on actual Mother's Day. We didn't really do much for Mother's Day; she slept through most of it, actually. I think we're celebrating tomorrow? Anyways, I went to work for some espresso, and then Carly couldn't show up, so I went and worked an hour amidst the craziness of Jess trying to get the store together. Right after my "pansy shift"--which really couldn't even be considered a shift, just me jumping on bar for a little while--I nabbed some China Cottage with Patrick and Tyler, followed by sitting on my front porch smoking cigarettes, then playing some Wii. Rob and Mandy were at Rob's mom's house, and they picked me up on their way back home and on the drive down to Cincinnati, Mandy took the fantastic picture seen in this post. I've spent the evening here at The Claypole House, hanging out with lots of people I haven't seen in a while. Blake, Mandy, Rob, Amos, Amanda, even Gambill came around. Someone made a delicious dinner (broiled chicken and an Italian mushroom/provolone pasta), and we sat out on the front porch smoking cigarettes and drinking beer and sharing much laughter. Definitely a good, relaxing day. And I got a lot of thinking and decision-making done.