the dayton days [67]

Ams & I gathered in Rob & Mandy's room

Monday. J.J. & I opened together, and I did tips during the shift meeting. Once the meeting concluded, Carly and I grabbed lunch from Gyro Palace and went to her place and watched the new "Sherlock Holmes" movie. She talked about drama with Devyn and told me she talked to Jess about me again, that Jess wouldn't confirm nor deny liking me. "I don't think she's being secretive, I think she's genuinely conflicted." Carly's fear is that if something DOES develop between me and Jess, I'll end up steamrolled by her cutting off the relationship if the stakes of investment get too high. "You're a good guy. A perfect guy? No. But a good guy, a cut above the rest. I know this. Jess knows this. And deep down, beneath all of the confliction, she WANTS a good guy, and I honestly think she likes the idea of being with you, even if she squashes down the idea so as not to have to deal with it. Tell or don't tell her how you feel, it's up to you. But, Anthony, I don't want you to be used, to be steamrolled. It happens to a lot of good guys, and I know you've dealt with it time and again, but I really don't want that to happen to you." And neither do I; but it's always a possibility, and there's always risk involved. Oh, some good news: Jessie & Tony are engaged!

Tuesday. Jessica came over after work, nearly in tears because of how difficult things went during her shift; and she's still tired from the move to Wilmington. She calmed down, and we smoked cigarettes, chilled in my room, played with Sky. I told her she was beautiful. She just laughed. She left around 5:00. I took a nap and went to DLM and ran into Carly and Alison. I got sushi and they got sandwiches and we split our dinners in the mezzanine.

Wednesday. I worked 7-3:30. Cars opened, and Jess took over around noon. Mom met Jess yesterday, told me, "She's such a nice girl." Ams called, asked me if I'd told her that I like her. "Not yet." I decided to tell her, and this is how it went down this afternoon: I met up with her at the 'Bux after her shift, and we picked up food at Gyro Palace and went to eat at the pavilion at North Park. As we were eating, I told Jess, "I like you." It came to her as no surprise. She'd suspected it, and Faith was confident of it. "She always makes all sorts of comments, even inappropriate ones," Jess said; "She really wants us to date." She said she's attracted to me. "We get along so well, we can be open and honest with one another, vulnerable with one another, and even our quiet moments aren't awkward. I'm comfortable with you, and I know I can trust you." She even said, "The way we connect... I haven't had this in a long time." At the same time, she's not 100% sure about her attraction to me. "My type has generally been tall, burly, jackass guys." I'm not tall, I'm skinny, and I'm certainly not a jackass or an asshole (though I do have my moments). The fact that I'm NOT her type, and that she's attracted to me, is causing her to question the attraction, hence the hesitancy. Nevertheless, she knows that there's something about me that stands out, even if she can't put a name to it. When she started at the 'Bux, she was drawn to me; when she was promoted, she forgot about it. And when she found out Leah and I were dating, it all came back. "I was jealous of Leah, and it surprised me!" The jealousy came from nowhere, and she started questioning things again. I told her that I like her more than I liked Leah. "That makes me happy," she beamed. She says her main concern about us dating is, obviously, work. She's a shift. I'm a barista. We're not allowed to date. She does know that we can date in secret, but is hesitant like Leah was. In the end, she's still trying to figure out EXACTLY how she feels about me. And so we suggested we go on a date. We finished our meals feeling pretty elated (or, at least, I did), and then her roommate Emily came by, and we climbed some trees and smoked some cigarettes and a storm rolled through and the tornado sirens went off. Once everyone parted ways I called Carly and told her how everything went. She screamed over the phone: "OMG, this makes me so happy!" I'm optimistic, I really am. Jess told me to call her tomorrow: that's a call I won't miss.

Cinco de Mayo. I worked a grueling 5:30-2:00. Cars was a wreck: her family cat had to be put down. I went by work to get some espresso after working out, and Cars was there and she said, "I had an hour-long conversation with Jess, and it was very good." She told me that Jessica is most definitely attracted to me, and that scares me. She's used to non-committal flings, casual dating, and "bad guys." She knows that I'm a good guy, we'd be good together, and that this wouldn't be a "casual" thing. And that scares her because she wants that, if that makes any sense; and all this has made her stop dead in her tracks and question where she's at in life, her relationship with God, her own selfishness, going from "me" to "we." On top of all this, Jess sees potential with me. Not just random, convenient dating, something to fill the gap between Now and Then. She's been forced to think about her future, even marriage, and that scares her on one hand and excites her on the other. Uncharted territories and unforeseen vistas are beginning to emerge as if out of the mist, and her attraction to me supersedes "he's cute and fun" in a way that goes beyond her attraction to other guys in the past. This is something new, unknown, and it's heavy. And thus the hesitancy. It isn't due to her not liking me or even knowing if she likes me; it's her liking me in a way that shows potential. "She's very optimistic," Carly said. "She likes you far more than she's letting on. She may seem to be flippant about you, but she was quite honest with me."

Friday. I dreamt that Jess turned me down for some athletic jock. I worked 6:30-12:30 and then Carly and I went to DLM for lunch. She told me that Jess admitted that "Anthony and I are perfect for one another." But she warned me, "Any road you guys walk will be a long one. She's terrified of commitment, of being serious and invested in someone. This will take a lot of patience on your part, and you have to be okay with that." Jess called me, said she's so used to being the one who sacrifices in a relationship. I told her sacrifice is a two-way street: "I won't try to talk you out of Grad School. I'll support you and encourage you, do what I can to help you." She's afraid of losing independence. I told her I want "us" being a collective, not her being absorbed into my life in such a way that hers is tossed aside. The date's cancelled: she got freaked out and bailed. She confessed, "Usually I date a guy, and when it gets serious, I jump ship. It's nothing because of you or what you said. It's just me being me, and I can't explain it." 

Saturday. I worked 6-2:30. Carly came over after church, and we played with Sky. Jess called her while we were there, so she went into my room to talk to her. Once she was done, we went to Penn Station. She ate and I just hung out, and she told me what went down: "Jess is really freaking out." I caught on: she cancelled the date, avoided me all day at work, is trying to isolate herself from us so she doesn't have to deal with all her weird and convoluted emotions. I hated hearing it, so much so that I gnawed my finger down till it bled down my hand. "She knows she's being stupid, and this won't last forever. She knows it's her issues. It's not you." 

Mother's Day. Dewenter and I met up for lunch at China Cottage around 11:00. I told him all about the drama with Jess. Tyler joined us, too, said, "So you dated one girl at Starbucks and may date another? Say what you want about your inability to get a girl, but you're starting to look like that place's Mac Daddy." We went back home, and Jess called me from work: Carly passed out at home, cars were wrapped around the DT, and she needed help. I went in plain-clothed for an hour, pretty much saved her life. She was super stressed out: "And I was THIS close to stepping down to a barista." She was glad to see me, by the time I left we were laughing and cracking jokes. Rob & Mandy were in town for Mother's Day, so they picked me up at my work and ferried me down to the Claypole House, and we spent the afternoon hanging out with Amos, Ams, and Blake. We had a delicious homemade dinner and spent the evening smoking cigarettes on the front porch. I passed out in Rob & Mandy's room, and Rob was going to carry me downstairs but I managed. I passed out in the spare bed in the walkthrough room.