developments (or lack thereof)

Things with the girl have continued without any real development; or, should I say, without any forward movement. As of late things seem to have been going backwards, our friendship weakening under a series of pressures striking us at every conceivable angle, compounded by all the anxiety-ridden drama that I unleashed upon us like a hurricane. Honestly, it’s seemed to fluctuate; things seem good some days, other days they seem bad. No words on the matter have been spoken, not since a day after it happened (2 ½ weeks now, which really isn’t a long time, though it’s felt three times that). I miss the way things were. I miss our texting conversations, her eagerness to hang out, the way she’d be so at ease and relaxed around me. I miss the way we’d laugh and horse around and just be care-free kids all over again. Walking Sky through the rain, climbing trees, drinking beers at her apartment while watching episode after episode of comedy sitcoms. I miss our openness and honesty, our vulnerability and mutual acceptance; not that the latter has been affected, as we both accept one another as we did, but there seems to have arisen some sort of ethereal barrier preventing our friendship not only from moving forward but also from regaining its former prestige. I miss all that, and this new number in the equation—“Us?”—has definitely put a halt in things.

When I think about the earlier times, it makes me sad both because (a) they’re gone, and (b) because they may never be again. As our friendship grew, and as we each internally and unspokenly wrestled with the idea of us, we got glimpses and foretastes of what we could be. Laughter, happiness, vulnerability, confessions, acceptance of one another for all our flaws and shortcomings. But these glimpses remembered may be memories of a future found only in my mind. That former landscape has been polluted with unspoken thoughts, an at-arm’s-length friendship, and it’s basically like an atomic bomb—my being honest—was dropped on our relationship, and this current state-of-things is my (or, rather, our) Hiroshima. I like her, I really do, and I don’t regret being honest with her. It’s good to get these things off my (well, our) chest; we both wanted to talk about it, and we did, and without realizing it at the time, we may have opened up a whirlwind. Whether that whirlwind proves to be good or bad, well, we will see. That’s all you really can do. All I know is that I really want to be with this girl. She’s worth it, no doubt about that; probably the best girl I’ve met in a long time. And because of that, I’ll keep waiting. I’ll keep “staying the course,” so-to-speak, whether it ends up good or bad. In the meantime, I’ve got bigger things to worry about (though, in reality, the whole “girl” thing worries me more than anything; but logically I know it shouldn’t). Now, there are moments of reprieve; moments when things seem to be kicking back into gear, but these are always short-lived. I don’t know what’s going through her mind; and despite brief twinkles in her eyes and the occasional flirting, the nature of our “conversation” (used in the KJV sense, referring to our words and deeds) seems to imply that either (a) she’s already figured out what she wants and doesn’t want to break the news, or (b) she’s still in the process of feeling out how she feels about “us.” So for the moment, I’m still waiting. Not as hopeful or optimistic as before, but nevertheless I’m trying to be patient; and meanwhile I’m trying to focus my energies on a possible move to Cincinnati.

Yep, that’s right. Close to a year and half ago I moved home for loads of personal reasons. I’ve settled in nicely here, but the reality is that many of those people I love are in Cincinnati or moving away. Dylan’s going to Africa Tuesday, won’t be back till 2013(or 2014?). Dewenter’s moving down to Cincinnati at the end of July. Tyler will be gone come December. Jessica’s leaving for Grad School. The only other person I hang out with here at home is Carly, and she’s in Cincinnati 2-3 times a week as it is. A few rooms will be opening up at the Claypole House over the next couple months, and I’ve talked to Rob and Mandy about it, and Ams too (she said I could crash at her apartment if I got a job and still hadn’t found a place to stay; Mandy likes the idea of me moving down, and Rob’s not opposed). The issue is finding a job where I can pay my bills, but if it comes down to it, I can move down with a transfer through Starbucks and keep working there till I find something more sustainable. I’ve been wrestling with all this for a while now, and this morning I woke up to a text from my sister, telling me that she wishes I was down there. Well, I miss her and want to be close by, too. So tomorrow I’m going to talk to my boss about keeping my transfer ability open for stores in Cincinnati or northern Kentucky. And I’m going to be searching for other Cincinnati jobs in the meantime that could support me even more. If I stay here in Centerville for another year, then I’ll have pretty much no one. Many of those whom I love are in Cincinnati, so why shouldn’t I be there?