snow day!

We got Friday off school--that was awesome (how come every snow-day we have is a day when I havta work?). So I went in to work, and it turns out my two companions were shifted to different positions, and I ran all four of the lines. We were packed--Superbowl Sunday weekend--and my feet screamed in agony. I had to stay later than I was scheduled. Then I slept over at friends' house, watched Bad Boys II, woke up, lost my keys, finally went back into work and slaved for another day. Needless to say I am exhausted. The balls of my feet are killing me. But I'm surprisingly happy--chilling at home with a frosted glass of milk, some ice cream, and hanging with friends.

Ah, the simple life...

on real success

I've been reading James, and two days ago I read James 1:10,11, and it struck a chord:

"And those who are rich should be glad, for God has humbled them. They will fade away like a flower in the field. The hot sun rises and dries up the grass; the flower withers, and its beauty fades away. So also, wealthy people will fade away with all of their achievments." James 1:10,11

Lots of people have a skewed perception of what success really is. Success isn't about winning awards, getting a high-paying job, having a family, lots of friends, or becoming famous. All such achievments will fade away in the end. Real success is knowing God personally, and living a life in fellowship with him. Real success is accepting Jesus and jumping into the river, the river Jesus. Lots of people see success as determined by how much money you have, how popular you are, measly stuff like that. Stuff on the outside--God looks on the inside, at what's in the heart. So success isn't wealth, having lots of stuff, receiving awards and creating beautiful achievments. Success is loving God with all your heart, mind and soul, and loving your neighbor as yourself--a walk with Jesus and abiding in Jesus. REAL LIFE.

If anyone says that wealth and popularity and fame are the things that step us up on God's love ladder (don't you know that God's love is unconditional?), then what about all those poor people who really know what it's like to LIVE because they have JESUS? What about those villagers who have nothing of worldly value, haven't even read a Bible, but only hear the truth from traveling missionaries? What about all those people who struggle for life, falling and getting up, and have nothing to show for it, except for the love of Jesus that radiates from their hearts? If wealth and materialism were the answer, why did God choose fishermen and a tax collector to be his 12 Apostles (11, if you scratch Judas Iscariot). Why did God choose David to lead a nation, when he was a mere, young shepherd boy? Why did God choose Paul to take the news of Christ to the Gentiles, when he was a part-time tent-maker? Why did he choose Moses to lead His people out of Egypt, when Moses was just an abandoned slave boy? Why did he choose Noah to build the Ark, who was a farmer?

God looks on the inside, not the outside--he looks at what really matters.

Success is about a relationship with Jesus--nothing more.

an odd day in taiwan

C:\My Documents\My Pictures\blog
The whale died on a beach Jan. 17. Due to decomposition, the whale's organs burst from its belly on the way to a laboratory. The decomposing remains of a 66-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy Taiwan street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours, local newspapers said. The 56-foot dead whale had been on a truck headed for an autopsy at a university earlier this week, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan. The whale had died after it was beached on the southwestern coast of the island.

sledding '04

Since it's been snowing a lot, my friends and I decided to hit the slopes near our house, a small wooded area known as the North Park "line of trees." The first hill was covered with icy bumps, but didn't hurt me because I went down on a hard plastic sled; the hill bellied out into a creek, iced over from the snow and cold. I bailed out just in time, but my sled went flying into the water. The next time I went down that hill I hit a tree, but had slowed myself down enough so that I didn't get the wind knocked out of me. One of my friends, Jason (name changed), went once, on one of those sheet sleds, and he nearly crashed into the stairs leading down from a gazebo. We went into the woods, and hit a hill there. Jason went down a few times; as the entire trail down the slope was drenched with sheets of ice, the ride was unpredictable. Jason decided to go down skeleton-style (bad move), and at the last moment, as me and Don (name changed) readied to stop him from flying into the creek, the sled shifted, and a tree got him right in the ball; the board flew out from under him and rocketed into the woods. Don and I were dying laughing. When I went down, my left leg dangled, and it hit a tree; the sled swung around, and I was thrown off, rolling; the board lodged in a thicket. We went down together on a larger hill, going twenty miles an hour, and we barely missed hitting a tree; Jason's leg was grazed with the sharp ice stuck to the tree's bark; Don was going to try and stop us, and he ran out to stop us as we slid towards the tree, but he saw the tree and backed off. He stinks at stopping our sleds before they go into the trees (Jason abandoned me once and I flew into the woods, barely missing the freezing creek).

It's been a while since I've been sledding, but it was a fun time. Some things you never outgrow. I know people who refuse to do stuff like sledding because it's "immature". What a crock. A lot of times "immature" things are the funnest things to do. I can't believe how some people refuse to have fun simply because they want to look mature before the world. A Dennis the Menace cartoon clip hangs next to my closet, and it shows Dennis whispering to his friend, after seeing Margaret acting "mature", "Margaret says she's got MATURITY... I sure hope we never catch it!" Gotta hand it to good ol' Dennis, he's got it figured out.

[2/5/13: "Why the hell am I changing everyone's names?"]

how far would I go?

Got a forwarded email a couple weeks ago that I haven't forgotten. We've all been asked that deep question, "Would you die for Jesus?" and I imagine most people--just like me--answer, "Yes," without really thinking about it. That's the obvious answer for any Christian. But lately I've thought about it much deeper than that, asking myself, "How far would I go?" To die is one thing; torture is another. I don't know how strong my will would be under torture, I have to admit. But I've never encountered torture for Christ (unless having your hair pulled until your scalp bleeds, and being bashed in the face with a book-end is torture, I don't know). How far would I go? God gives us strength in times of trouble, and he won't let us endure anything we can't handle--we can all handle temptation, the troubles and trials, and even going as far as deciding between living and dying (in a physical sense) for Jesus. The deciding force, though, isn't CAN we, but WILL we? It's a question of willpower. How far are we willing to go for Jesus, when all pressupositions are stripped away, when our future rests on that decision?

In the middle of a church service, several gunmen entered the congregation, took over the microphone, and said, "Anyone who doesn't wish to die for Jesus, leave now." Slowly at first--then faster--people stood and ran from the room, until only a handful of people remained. The pastor stood ashen-faced behind the gunmen; the lead gunman turned, lowered his gun, and said, "All the hypocrites are gone. Now you can continue with your sermon." And the gunmen left, leaving those who had remained sitting in stunned silence.

How far would I go for Jesus?
How far would you go for Jesus?

joyous temptation?

Well we had our first snow day yesterday. That was fun. But when I went to bed, I just wanted more. Funny how that is, eh? No matter how much we get, no matter how many blessings we receive, we want more. People are greedy.

I've been reading James, and I have to say, it's amazing. When I wake up in the morning, I dread temptation, because I know how terrible and painful it is to deal with--I sympathize with those who are struggling with overcoming drug addictions, I suspect--in some ways--not giving into temptation and going through withdrawal are somewhat alike. I always feared the coming of temptation; a lot of times it is horribly strong, so strong I sometimes see spots before my eyes and go weak. So, nonetheless, I relucantly walked into the day, knowing--sometime, somewhere--temptation would hit.

Then I read James 1:2,3--"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."

I think we should see temptation not in its darkness, but its light. Instead of thinking, "Oh, great, temptation, just what I need," we need to say, "Awesome! Temptation! I can fight against it, and I can win, and produce endurance, endurance, and my faith will grow stronger!" Maybe not view it so energetically, but definitely see it in a new light--if it was so horrible, would God allow us--the ones he loves--to be tempted? No! But he gives us what we can handle, and knows that if we fight, we can draw closer to Him through the battles and victories. Instead of viewing temptation with a dreaded reluctance, I should be cautious and wary, and yet when the temptation comes, be joyful, for if I fight and win, my faith will grow stronger.

Just something that's been on my mind...

Week 4

M.L.K. Day. I woke cold and uncomfortable on Chris' floor and was unable to fall back asleep thanks to Hank, Pat and Lee snoring. I was bored so I left. Mom, Dad and I went to Frisch's and got their buffet for breakfast. Mom asked, "What're your dreams for life?" I answered, "Live in a small home, have a steady job, live a simple life." Modest hopes for a modest man. Chris and Pat D. came over, and we watched Office Space again, burned incense and chilled. Bryon came over, but then left to go to Rooster's. Jeremy's dating a girl named Stephanie he met in Iraq. Pretty awesome. It was hot in my room so Chris and I stuck our legs out my window. It was snowing all day, but not sticking. Pat D. accidentally spilled soda all over Chris. I lost a dollar when I didn't beat Chris at NHL Hockey. We decided to go to the Williams', and we all loaded into the Jeep and Pat D. confessed, "You're one of my best friends. Always there for me, helping me out, caring, being there to talk to--thanks, Man." It would've been a precious moment were it not for Chris continually hitting me on the back of my head. Halfway to his place I pulled the car over and turned around in the seat and told him that for each time he hit me in the head from that point, I would stop the car for ten minutes on the side of the road. He knew I was serious, and he stopped. 

Tuesday. I had a huge headache all during school. I'm considering the Teacher Academy at the Warren County Career Center. Chemistry was excruciating, and Accounting was torture. Mike Box wrote on his blog that he committed each of the seven deadly sins at least once a day. He isn't alone. I spent the evening listening to music and praying. I'm a simple man, I like simple music, and it doesn't take much to make me smile. I'm madly in love with God.

Wednesday. Art was boring, and lunch was uneventful: spicy chicken fajitas. Study Hall was packed. In accounting class we did our W-2 and W-4 forms. I wonder if I'll get money back? I hope so. After work Pat D., Lee, and Bryon came over. Bryon almost did a U-turn out of the Farmer's Market intersection, and had he done it he would've killed us all. Pat D. got us pizza from Dominoe's, and I picked it up. Bryon learned I Can Only Imagine on guitar, and Dewenter's addicted to Battlefield 1942. I finished my English and Geometry homework before bed. I'm listening to Led Zeppelin and thinking about Rikki. Oh, how I want a girlfriend to spend time with, to be connected to--how I want to be wanted!

Thursday. Doug says I'm passionate, inquisitive, and recklessly daring. Last night I dreamt that Chris was smoking pot while we were hunting Jaws in a lake, and we got lost so we were asking a ghost for directions. I made a joke to Zach that he turned on his sister Kristen, and her face was one of shock, with wide eyes and a scared voice. My heart wept. I'm very sensitive to the feelings of others. She said "Bye" to me as we split up in the parking lot. She is very beautiful. I said "Bye" over my shoulder and rushed off to a Dentist appointment. I read some more of Heavier than Heaven in the waiting room, and after my appointment I went on a cold and lonesome walk through North Park. Before bed I hung out with Ams and we listened to A Perfect Circle, and I talked to Macey from "The Old Days" for a while. I don't like her anymore, but I like being carried back to a time before Kristen. Macey has a problem with cussing and drinking, as she says on her blog. ["Who the hell is Macey? I literally have NO recollection of her."]

Friday. Right after school I ran off to work 3-8:00 at I.G.A. I came home on my break, found out that Kristen's been spreading rumors about me being a "fake Christian" through 412. Mike's been giving me a hard time, too, just because I questioned whether or not baptism is needed for salvation. It's hard to get closer to God when everyone scrutinizes, condemns, and judges you. It's also hard when Christian friends betray you and turn you black as demon's blood before the church. I just wish I could start all over, make amends, break the trend, offend my friends and not back away from the truth. Maybe I should just abandon 412 and all those people there, except the ones I actually really like. But where else would I go? Mike seems to think I'm blowing things out of proportion.

Saturday. It was a funny, odd, whimsical day. I started out boring, with a 9-3:00 shift at I.G.A. (paradise compared to my former place of employment, Burger King). I went over to Chris & Lee's, and Bryon swung by later. Pat D. was there, too. When Bryon left we went to my place because Pat D. wanted to play BF1942. I went down to the basement to grab my WW2 memorabilia from Aunt Teri, and when I was in the crawlspace Chris shut the door on me. I turned off the lights and put a The Party's Here! sign by the closed entrance with two naked G.I. Joe dolls. I went and hid, and Chris opened the door and burst out laughing. He couldn't see me, and Amanda and Lee were there, prodding him inside (Pat D. was still playing on the computer up in my room). Chris reluctantly entered the crawlspace. Fearing I would attack, he grabbed an old man's cane and came towards me in the darkness, swinging the cane and fumbling for the light. The cane got too close for comfort, so I grabbed the cane's tip and yanked. Chris screamed and fell forward, and in the thin light coming from the crawlspace door where Ams and Lee were perched, I could see gouges of flesh hewn from Chris' fingers. It was bleeding pretty bad, and we crawled out laughing. Ams bandaged it up, but it wouldn't stop bleeding no matter the number of band-aids. We took him and Pat D. to church for church band setup. Lee and I went back home for an hour and a half, and at 9:00 Chris and Pat D. returned. Chris' wound was still bleeding, and he had to get stitches. His mom came to the house, and the three of us went to Sycamore Hospital. The lady at the desk asked Chris what happened, and he told her, and she asked him if there was a history of me abusing him. He looked at me and I grimaced and shook my head, and he whimpered, "No..." The lady was irritated, but it was hilarious. Some guy who'd been shot in the head was there, and in the room next to us some guy died of a heart attack while Chris was jokingly playing with the chest paddles. Chris finally got his stitches, and it was 1:30 AM by the time we got out of there. Debbie took us by Taco Bell, and I spent the night at the Williams', curled up on Lee's floor.

Sunday. I helped Brian out with the kids' J.A.M. Some kid named Craig kept bad-mouthing Christians and Christian worship. Blair yelled at him to stop. I sat down during worship and got lots of weird looks. I sat down because I was up super late and was tired, why in the world is that such an awful thing? Bryon, Corey and I talked some more about our frustrations with 412, and we want to get together with Jeff to talk to him about some of these things. Dad's truck is broken, and Pat D. broke off my Jeep's rear-view mirror. Snow fell all day in torrents, and Chris, Lee, Pat D. and I spent the day inside. Debbie didn't like the snow, so she came and picked up Chris and Lee. Dad told me that I need to keep my Jeep clean so that girls would want to ride in it. But I know girls don't want me, I'm just too distasteful. Almost eight inches of snow fell, and Doug & Edna came by and picked up Pat D., took him home. I got depressed and ate a lot. Franklin is off school tomorr,w and so is Ridgeville, Centerville, and Middletown. But Springboro still has to go? Nope! They just changed it: we have a snow day tomorrow!

We

landover baptist

Last summer I stumbled upon a website I thought was a Christian website, and to my horror--in the beginning--I believed it was. Turns out it is a satirical website making fun of Christians, laughing at Jesus, and mocking God, in an effort to turn people away from Jesus. It twists around Scripture, tells sinners that God hates them, and mocks Jesus Christ and Christians in every way. Some might believe it is a great site--that it helps reveal the undergirders of fake Christianity, or that it is good in the sense of satirizing the "institutions of churchianity." Maybe it is, and seen in this light, it can definitely be a great witness. But the site isn't out there to satirize in a "good way", and that point is very clear when you go to the website; it's not there to help Christians, but to alienate and gouge them. It has turned many people against Jesus, and seekers are being repelled. In my eyes--and in the eyes of many--it is a website that is to be shut down, ignored, or protested against--give them all the rights of freedom of speech, but use our rights as well!

See the Landover Baptist webpage for yourself...

too many bibles?

I have a New Testament Bible in my Jeep, and another full-size NIV Full Bible alongside it. There are five Bibles next to, on, and around my bed: one NLT Study Bible, an NLT Student Bible, an NIV New Testament, and two KJV Bibles. On my bedside table is The Message: The Gospel of John and a NCV mini-Bible. On my desk is KJV Bible. On my dresser is one NIV New Testament. on my bookcase are six more Bible collected over several years, and I have more Bibles downstairs in the guest room. If you total my Bibles, I have seventeen in my room, about three or four more throughout the house.

Do I tell you this to brag? Does me having a lot of Bibles make me holier-than-thou? No. I don't do it to brag, and Bibles don't get you anywhere. I used to be under the deceptive mask of belief that if I had a lot of Bibles, then I'd be on the upper rung at the Kingdom of Heaven. When I stood at the pearly gates, I'd tell Peter, "Hey, man, let me through. I bought a lot of Bibles and I read them. I'm good, eh?" Well, it isn't reading a Bible that makes you righteous, and it's not owning Bibles that make you right in God's sight. My mentality was wrong. Some of the most devoted Christians in the world have never touched nor read a Bible. I had all these Bibles, and thought my faith was so strong--my wallet was strong, my faith was not.

About a year ago, I realized that owning Bible's wasn't the answer. The answer is Jesus' blood. Only then does the Bible hold meaning. Only then does its words really impact me. And it isn't merely reading the Bible that helps strengthen our faith. Just as ringing off uniformed, patterned, and subconscious prayers isn't really prayer at all, reading the Bible and hearing its words are not enough--we must LISTEN and OBEY. I've been listening--I've been jumping into the Scripture, especially the Gospel of John, and its words are powerful. I have been LISTENING...

But have I been obeying?

I take a step back, look at my life--and see all the corruption, the problems, the uncontrolled sin. I revel in the waste of my life. I am saved by Jesus' blood and Jesus' blood alone--my entrance into heaven is guaranteed--but I still struggle with a lot of stuff. Anger, pride, lust. Rampant. Disgusting. I hate them all. I hate the sin, yet I give in, time after time again and again. It is pulling me away from God--stem the tide! Stem the tide! Surrender all to God--again. Where has the "high" of following God gone? It is slowly being washed away, replaced by the repugnant, awful sin stenching my life. I lie in bed at night, heart riddled with guilt and shame. It is time to wash that guilt and shame away. Yes! It is washed away by the blood of Jesus! His own precious, spilt blood has flowed through my own heart, and the guilt and shame has evaporated. I am white as snow. But the temptation is still there; the problems still exist. I have been forgiven for my sins--but the temptation isn't gone. I take Jesus' hand; temptation is waiting to pounce as I wade through the long grass. Any minute now... Will I be able to handle it? Will I stand tall, sheltered in God's wings? Or will I dive out from cover and jump into the lake of sin, only to be strangled by the vicious, lurking seaweed hidden behind the glossamer surface?

Prayer. Need it. Reliance on God. Need it. Ask for strength. Need it. Know what else I need? To READ, to LISTEN, to OBEY. To FOLLOW, to WALK IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF JESUS! It isn't Bibles that save you. It isn't prayer, it isn't reading the Word, it isn't going to church or singing hymnals. It isn't knowing about God. What saves you? The blood of Jesus. He died for a reason. "I am thirsty." He died for sinners. "Father, forgive them, for they don't understand what they are doing." He died for you and me. "It is finished." Salvation comes in one name--Jesus Christ: Messiah. We need to be devoted to God; we should be amazed at his power and love, for he died; the CREATOR DIED FOR THE CREATION; we need to repent of our sins and follow Jesus with everything we have. As Jesus said so well, "Pick up your cross daily, and follow Me... He who finds life will lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake will find real life."

Salvation isn't found in Bibles.
Or church.
Or prayer.
Or in any other outward works.

Salvation is found in choosing to follow Jesus and abiding in a loving relationship with him.
It is the blood of Jesus that saves us.

dog eyes & evolution

If you know me, then you know I'm a huge advocate against evolution (just check out my collection of books, including the Idiot's Guide to Evolution and Charles Darwins' On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Species, and you know I know some stuff about the Creation/evolution debate). The other day I got out of my Jeep after school, was going inside to watch television and rest, when my mutt Doogie came bounding out of his doghouse, top of his head bashing on the top of the doggie door (no wonder he's so dumb). His tongue hangs limp, and he prances all over me; but I look down, into his eyes, and as weird as this may sound, something clicked. How in the world could random chance processes create two individual species that both have mouths, noses, ears, legs, hearts and livers, lungs and kidneys, spines and spinal cord, and deep eyes? What are the chances? Some may shout, "Common ancestor!" or "Homologous structures!" But, no. All common sense rules out that random processes can create such a body plan that is nearly concurrent in most animal species. What is easier to believe? That random chance processes, over millions of years, created the biology, cosmology and physiology of our world, or that a marvelous and powerful God created it in six days? Grab a cup of coffee--or in my case, soda--and just go outside, lay back, and observe nature, and worship God for his beauty and power. God loves us so much that he created this world for us to live in. Amazing love.

on baptism

Right now there is a debate within this site going on between a friend and me about whether baptism is essential for salvation. I will attack this prayerfully and try to uncover the truth. But for right now, I will post arguments for both sides.

Anti-Baptism Needed for Salvation

Jesus forgave many people without them being baptized--the paralyzed man lowered on a mat through a roof (Luke 5:17-26); a woman caught in adultery (John 8:3-11); a woman who annointed Jesus' feet with oil (Luke 7:47-50); Peter, for denying he even knew Jesus immediately prior to Jesus' crucifixion (John 18:15-27; 21:15-19); the criminal on the cross (Luke 23:39-43); and those who killed him (Luke 23:34). If baptism was essential for salvation (and, yes, Jesus had commanded baptism to all believers prior to these incidents, and John the Baptist had been baptizing, too, before he had been decapitated) then all these (and many more Jesus forgave) wouldn't be entering the Kingdom of Heaven, yet by Jesus' word they did. Jesus says in Mark 16, "Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved. But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned." It is the refusing to believe--not the refusing to be baptized--that drops us out of the Kingdom of Heaven. Acts 13:39 says, "Everyone who believes in [Jesus] is freed from all guilt and declared right with God..." Once again, baptism isn't an ESSENTIAL agreement to salvation--faith in Jesus is. Also, in Acts 2--the Pentecost--the Holy Spirit descends on those gathered together, and now--without baptism, which many say brings the Holy Spirit into us), people are speaking in tongues, a gift bestowed by the Holy Spirit. How could this be, if the Holy Spirit is brought about by baptism by water?

Pro-Baptism Needed for Salvation

Baptism for the remission of our sins (Acts 2:38) and into Christ (Rom. 6:3; Gal. 3:27) is essential for salvation. If you have not been baptized with Christ's baptism (as opposed to man's baptism), you can have no hope of salvation (Rom. 10:17; 2 Cor. 5:7). Paul was commanded to arise and be baptized washing away his sins (Acts 22:16). He was lost without being baptized. Today, denominational preachers incorrectly tell us that our sins are washed away before and without baptism. The Bible says, there is an antitype which now saves us, namely baptism (1 Pet. 3:21). We are not saved without being baptized. Nevertheless, denominational preachers try to add the word "not" to this verse saying, "baptism does not save us." Men in Ephesus who had been baptized with John's baptism had to be baptized with the baptism authorized by Jesus (Acts 19:1-5). If we have been baptized with any baptism other than the one authorized by Jesus Christ (Eph. 4:5; Col. 3:17; Acts 19:5), we must be baptized with the Lord's baptism to be saved. Today, denominational preachers incorrectly tell us that it does not matter with which baptism (if any) we are baptized. If we expect to go to heaven, we must obey the gospel of Jesus Christ (Rom. 1:16; 2 Th. 1:8; Heb. 5:9). The gospel makes it abundantly clear that we must be baptized for the remission of our sins and into Christ to be saved (Acts 2:38; 22:16; Rom. 6:3; 1 Pet. 3:21). Therefore if we are not baptized, then we are not entering the Kingdom of Heaven.

Hit this with prayer and humility. Maybe God will change peoples' minds (including my own). This isn't an issue to be taken lightly (if I'm wrong, I'm just glad I've been baptized haha).

a parable

One day a father witnessed something horrible--his only son was beaten, tortured, humiliated, rejected, spit upon, mocked, and murdered, with crowds cheering. His tears stained his face with a perpetual gloom; his only son, who loved and followed and obeyed him with a fervent passion, had been killed by those he loved. His only son was stabbed in the back, over and over, by those he considered friends, by those whom he had eaten dinner with, by those whom he had prayed with. The trials came, and the one who killed his only son stood at the stand. The judge said to the murderer, as the father of the son sobbed, "You are guilty of shedding innocent blood, and are hereby sentenced to prison for the rest of your life." Then something unexpected happened--the murderer jumped down from the stand, ran crying to the father's feet, fell to his knees, and through choking sobs, admitted he was guilty of murder, and pleaded to be forgiven. Everyone in the courtroom expected the father to curse, to shout, to rant, to scream, to condemn--but he did not. Instead he fell down to the murderer's level, embraced him, and with tears of joy said, "You are forgiven. I don't hold the murder of my only son against you. Now I consider you to be one of my own children. Come live with me."

Well, got to smash some geometry homework before going to bed, so I'll be clocking out.

on "the happily gay atheist"

Was browsing the science section of www.blogersearchengine.com, seeing if I could spy any dinosaur blogs (no luck, unless you count a blog about jellyfish, dinosaurs and the satiricals of school and dating relationships a hit-and-go bingo). I came across a skeptic's website, run by a gay atheist--he calls himself a "happily gay atheist"--whose "innocent" lashes against Christians reveal something deeper underneath his skin. Perhaps something happened earlier in his life turned him against God, and in this case, specifically against Christians. Such people are called cynics--they simply aren't interested in God and refuse to change their minds. We must reach out to them, and try to find what is causing their dispositions "underneath the skin". Get to the heart of the issue. I empathize with this guy; I have friends who are cynics against Christianity, but I still love and help them out; I don't turn my back; I don't hate. We can't turn our backs to them, we can't hate them--to do so is against what Jesus commanded. I pray they will find the reality in Jesus and turn to the truth. There is nothing harder to bear than to look around and see so many people lost, confused, without direction--and refusing to turn to the Light, Jesus. Even harder to bear than death itself--for physical death ends a permanent life, but a spiritual death draws on without conclusion.

my autobiography

I am Anthony Jordan (AJ) Barnhart
I work at a small grocery store for minimum wage
I live a simple life, my greatest ambitions being to have a steady job in Education or Social Work, and to live in a small house or apartment (parents are offering to give me the downstairs of our house as an apartment)

I have a deep compassion for others, and yearn to help others live better lives
I want to be there to comfort those who are hurt, to hug those who are ostracized, to be friends to those who are lonely, and to listen to those who have no one who cares
My desire is to obey God in everything I do, and to follow in Jesus' footsteps

Many people think I am very religious.
I go to church every Sunday, and to Small Group whenever I can
I tell my friends about Jesus, and I am merciful, forgiving, loving.
I have quiet times, and I worship by music with my friends.
I lend out a hand to those who are struggling in their faith.
This is on the outside.

Inside, I am angry, selfish, hateful, and lustful--things that need to change.
I am a hypocrite.
I sin in many ways everday; every time I take lust by the horns I am trampled; sometimes the will to fight temptation and sin is all but evaporated.
I believe in God, though sometimes it seems as if he isn't even there.
I try to help others who have splinters in their eyes, and ignore the log in my own.
I am rotten.
The only thing that keeps me suspended is the grace of Jesus.

I recognize my terrible problems, the ignored and rampant sin, and it tears my heart out.
I cry out to God, and he replies, "How long will you continue to sin and call yourself one of Mine?"
This sin, if I don't put it to an end, will kill me; not physical death, but spiritual death.
I stand here and repent--I thrown down the umbilical noose of sin that is slowly strangling me.
It is time for me to change.

Week 3

Monday.  Chris came over after school, and we watched some TV and played video games: ATV. We counted all my change and bought pizza from Papa John's. Lee had to work, and we couldn't get a hold of Dewenter. So we ate our pizza, and a telemarketer called the house and Chris answered it. This is how the conversation went:

Chris: "Hold on, let me get my dad." He gives me the phone.

Me: "Hello?":

Telemarketer: "Are you the man of the household?"

Me: "I think so, yes."

Telemarketer: "We're doing a survey. What's your area code?"

I give it to him.

Telemarketer: "Do you live in Springboro?"

Me: "On the edge of Franklin."

Telemarketer: "Is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?"

Me: "Yes?"

Telemarketer: "Where do you shop for clothes?"

Me: "Wal-Mart."

Chris can't stop laughing.

Telemarketer: "This call is being monitored."

Me: "Okay..."

Telemarketer: "How do you get to your Wal-Mart?"

Me: "Go down the road, take a right."

Telemarketer: "I didn't know there was a Wal-Mart in Springboro?"

Me: "You drive a while before you turn right."

And then the telemarketer hangs up the phone.

Tuesday. I took my Art exam and left school around 9:20, and I picked up Bowden and Lee an hour later. I took Bowden home and Lee came to my place, and we ate leftover pizza and watched the movie Big Daddy. We picked up Chris and Pat, and I had to take Dad's truck. Chris was being a jerk the whole time, but what else is new? We went to Borders, then Half-Price, where I bought Kurt Cobain's autobiography Heavier than Heaven. Chris gave me some weird sandalwood incense that reminds me of acoustic guitar stores. Lee and I split off from Chris and Pat and went to Family Tree Music on Main Street, and we got a friendly note from the Genesis Hair Salon. We drove over to North Park and walked trails and splashed through the creek till sunset.

Wednesday. "Marvel at the simple things in life; take pleasure in existence; go without hurry; work for your food; love God; love others." The secret to joy is Jesus, and the secret to happiness is simplicity. The good life, I believe, is a life with God and without cares, worry, or hurry. A simple life. I took my Geometry exam, and back home I talked to Pat for a while. He's falling away from God, is apathetic about everything. I don't understand what's happening, why this is happening, maybe it's his girlfriend? I started a blog called "darker than silence," but I can't figure out how to get it works. I mainly want a blog to storehouse my digital writings. Jeff came by the house to talk with Dad about The Garage. Mom and Dad went to a funeral, and I had hot dogs and mac-&-cheese for dinner. Lee came by to pick up his cap and magazine, and Mom gave him $50 so he could get a yearbook. She's nice like that.

Thursday. Ams and I went to breakfast at McDonald's, and I nailed my US/World Studies exam, and thus I am done with school until Tuesday! I picked up Lee, as well as the Derek kid that got fired from I.G.A. and his Chinese girlfriend April (she has a deep accent). Why are foreign girls so attractive? We dropped Derek and April off, and Lee and I hit McDonald's for lunch: I got a 5-piece nugget, a double cheeseburger, a McChicken and fries, and Lee got two hamburgers and some nuggets. Grand total: $7.00. We went to Lee's to eat our food and watch the TV show 24, and when Chris came home and we went to a park, then drove around for a while, navigated the trailer parks at Palm Harbor. We went back to my place, and then we went to Zach's but he wasn't home. We were going to prank the Southards but then they pulled up. Zach was going to a friend's place, and Kristen was being all quiet. Darrel wanted us to leave, so we skulked away. We went back to Lee's, and then I returned home to help Ams babysit (at least until Paige, the little girl, got scared of me). Kristen was supposed to come babysit, but she never showed up. Ron and Aisa are part of Mom and Dad's bible study. Everyone was gone by 9:00. I spent the evening talking to Corey, and he told me I'm the most spiritual kid he knows. I'm not spiritual: I just know, accept, and am not ashamed of the truth. Spirituality is an off-hand, over-the-counter, pleasant-preacher phrase. Buddhists are spiritual; Muslims are spiritual; New Agers are spiritual. I don't clamber after a euophoric, suspended enlightenment; I don't lie prostrate before Mecca; I don't smoke pot while chanting tunes to an unknown god. I know God--he is my Creator, my Friend, my Savior. I am alive in God's light, alive in the truth, and I'm not ashamed of it. I told Corey, "I'm not spiritual, I'm just alive."

Friday. I remember Rikki, my unofficial girlfriend for several months, from a couple years back. She looked a lot like Chelsea E., a freshman at high school. Rikki didn't care about outward appearance. She liked me on the inside. She would kiss me and I'd kiss her. She'd come over and we'd crawl into the crawlspace, and we'd lie to next each other suspended in the darkness, our little paradise, and we'd talk for hours on end about everything. Oh, she adored animals. She wanted to be a veterinarian. We also went swimming a lot. Rikki--a treasure. But then she moved, and things fell apart... I woke around 8:00, worshiped and prayed for a while. I worked 3-8:00, and Ricky was there working 4-9:00. Today was the equivalent of slave-work: there was rumored a big ice storm, and everyone panicked and swamped the grocery store. I brought two bottled frappuccinos home with me, and Mom, Dad, Ams and I ate at Olive Garden. I took a hot bath back at the house and read a "Contagious Christian" booklet and started reading Heavier than Heaven. Cobain was a loser, but an interesting loser nonetheless. While chilling in the sauna-bath I drank one of the frappuccinos. 

Saturday. This morning icicles dripped from my windowsill, and the windows were iced over with frost. The road was caked with ice, and it was still sleeting when I woke up, and it was still sleeting when I drove into work: 9-3:00. We were going to go to New Carlisle to hang out with Dad's side of the family, but that fell through because of the ice storm. I went over to the Williams' and hung out with Bryon, Pat and Chris. Bryon got a new off-brand guitar, and we had a worship session in the kitchen. Chris and Luke went to their dad's house, and Pat and Bryon came over to my place. We ate supper, and Pat finished his detail-job on the old Alvarez I traded in. It looks pretty great. Corey's in the hospital because of some snowboarding accident. We talked a lot about 412, as we tend to do, and when they left I did a bible study, spent some time in prayer, and drank some coffee before jumping into the hot bathtub before bed. 

Sunday. At church we're going through Acts, and today's message was entitled D.A.R.E. The acronym stands for Devotion to God, Amazement at God's power, repentance, and Expectation of Jesus' coming. The tag-line: "Dare to have a fresh, awesome walk with God!" Corey's doing better, had to get a bunch of stitches on his head. Chris, Pat and Hank came over (Hank's name is Pat, too, and his last name's Hague, but we just call him Hank: it's easier to distinguish between him and Pat Dewenter that way). Hank left to see Ashley, and Pat D. and I ate supper. We all watched Office Space on TV, and I taped it. We went over to the Williams' and spent the night there. We watched Nirvana: Unplugged yet again. Hank came over to the Williams' after seeing Hank, and I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up to him, Chris, and Pat D. playfully beating me. I responded in kind, and many screams filled the house; and by the end of it, I was upstairs with Lee just hanging out, and the three of them were slowly crawling up the stairs, huddled behind a plastic tricycle as their defensive weapon. I chased them down the steps: Pat D. bolted into the living room, Chris ran screaming into the family room, and Hank took off into the kitchen, sliding over the tile. I chose him as my target--it's rather arbitrary, really--and I grabbed him by the shirt and threw him bodily to the ground. He begged me to stop and I laughed, and we all rejoined and decided it was bedtime because we were all tired. 

arming for battle

So are you ready to follow Jesus? Are you finally convinced that being more than you can be is truly possible? Are you ready for a life that won’t only take you down the twists and turns and hills and drops of a roller coaster, but throttle you from your seat? Are you ready to face peril and dangers, ready to experience the thrill of following Jesus into the unknown, ready to break the rules and send the world into utter chaos? If your decision is ‘yes’, be prepared for a lot of feedback from others—feedback that, most likely, won’t be too good! We will be called ‘idiots’ by Christians and non-Christians alike; they will say we are stupid, immature, irresponsible and too idealistic. Well, guess what! Rejoice, because in the name of Jesus you are being stupid, immature, irresponsible and idealistic—at least in the world's eyes. In Jesus’ eyes, you’re a patriarch of the truth! The world jerks us back, scolding us; Jesus gently prods us forward, whispering encouragement into our ears as we teeter on the edge of normality, and plunge into nonconformity. The war will be grand and costly; you will be barraged at all sides with temptation; but your resolve must remain strong! Use the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:1-18), but here are seven more ‘weapons’ to help you in your race through life with God:

Prayer: Be sure to pray honestly, with truthfulness. God resents using ‘standardized prayers’ unless they hold significant meaning to you personally. I personally suggest talking to God not as a Spirit, but as a ‘Daddy’. He is our true Daddy, and he longs to hear our thoughts, our problems, our anger and our sorrows. Pray earnestly and honestly, and be prepared to wait on his timeline, always with the security of knowing he will answer.

Emotions: Do not be afraid of your emotions, no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Don’t bottle them up; it only stresses you out and ‘ruins your appetite’. Instead be free to express them: while sometimes, for instance, crying is embarrassing, it speaks louder than words ever could!

Ask for Help!: As humans, we are self-confident and prideful. To ask for help is to admit that we’re not perfect, and that naturally comes as a hindrance. But push aside all pride and self-confidence, screaming for help when you need it. Sure, it’ll be difficult, but it’s needed. Better to succeed in discomfort than to completely bomb out! Many of the people around us would love to help us out; God thirsts to lend a hand when we need some help!

Read the Word: God expressed his love for us and gave us a historical account that is known as the Bible. The Bible is God’s love letter to us—he tells through the writings of mere men (the Bible was God-breathed, not God-written) that he desperately wants us to come to him and be with him for eternity. Powerful love. The Bible is factual, error-free, and God’s revelation to all creation. He speaks through the Word, making it an extreme component for every Christian.

Steadiness: Hard times will come. Jesus didn’t promise wealth and fortune. He promised a life of joy. Sometimes that joy comes in the darkest of places: becoming broken before God in peril, or surrendering everything to him in crises. But no matter what, God is there, and he overshadows us, through thick and thin. Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven: we will make mistakes and jam ourselves into nasty messes. But rely on God and see your way into the light! Steadfastness in times of trouble is a tasty quality, a show of our strength through adversity, and is necessary to overcome the evils of this world.

Fight: It has been said that temptation is Satan worried about you. The moment we turn ourselves over to God—the very moment we surrender our lives to Jesus—Satan and his demons wage a secret war against us, wringing temptation into our lives to pull us from God (everyone, Christian or not, suffers physical temptation—temptation brought on by our own sinful desires and addictions; we must fight physical and spiritual temptations). Fight! Fight against the temptation, fight against the demons and the devil, against your old sinful nature trying to grab control once more! A war surrounds us—a war against Christians. It is being fought in the streets, in our homes, in our minds and souls. It is real. It’s here. And it’s angrily fighting against all Christians, mature and new, all across the planet! If there was ever a righteous battle, this is the one.

Be Prepared: Be ready for God to do great things through you. God has a plan for each and every one of us: we must surrender completely to his plans and wills for our lives; this is the essence of surrendering all for God. He will call us to wild and unimaginable things, things we cannot even begin to understand; but God can do everything, no matter how big or small it appears in our eyes. Trust in him, and he will direct your paths. Be prepared. God’s gonna move this world. Through people like you.

to be or not to be

God’s greatest desire for our lives isn’t to “go to church” or “pray before every meal” or say “excuse me” every time you burp or fart. God’s greatest desire for us, his people—the goal every Christian needs to set his/her eyes upon—is living like Jesus. Living like a Jesus freak. Some people believe that God wants them to “do this” or “do that.” People run around saying, “God wants me to be a missionary,” “God wants me to go to this school,” “God wants me to go into Social Work,” “God wants me to get involved with dinosaurs.” People are locked into the idea that God’s desires are for us to “do” stuff for him. I am not saying that they’re wrong—I am a stern believer that God could call us to be a missionary, to go to a different school or switch jobs, to get a degree in social work and help others, or maybe even do something as wacky and bizarre as involve with dinosaurs; or a mix of different things! But before God wants us to “do” anything, he wants us to “be” something. His greatest desire is for us to be like Jesus. As the annoying little tidbit goes, you can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? When we accept Jesus, we have a two-fold mission: 1) be like Jesus—strive to be like him and model him in every way, and 2) tell others about Jesus, his death on the cross, and the forgiveness he gives. If there’s one thing God wants us to be, he wants us to be like his Son who paid the ransom for our sins.

the grace & love of our king

There are people who believe that it is rules that get us into the Kingdom of Heaven, rules that reunite us with God. They strictly and sternly believe that if they obey all the commandments—even if there is no real personal faith involved—God will save them because he has to, because, of course, they followed the rules. Well, I’ll tell you flat-out, they’re wrong. Our growing faith—as well as our salvation—does not revolve around good deeds or charitable actions, but on the love and grace of Jesus, and our personal relationship with him. It is love and grace from God that reunites us with the Almighty Creator, not good works; it’s the blazing passion in our soul that brings us closer to God, and gives us salvation. It is not the good works or humane deeds that count, but our relationship with the awesome Son of God (good deeds—acts of love for both God and people—are trademarks of Christians, trademarks of lovers and followers of God; while it is not good works that get us into heaven, while it’s not good works that make us right with God, good works will come if we are truly in love with and following God; as Paul put it, faith without works is dead)! Good deeds equal nothing without Jesus. It’s the sheer grace that God gives us that bring us to his doorstep, and he opens wide for us the door into salvation! With his grace he erases all we’ve ever done, forgets it as far as the east is from the west, and gives us a second chance, and so much more. The love we have from God is not accessed by good deeds, nor hindered by terrible pasts. It is an unconditional love: it is unqualified, totally unrestricted, unreserved, absolute love! Nothing we do nor have done nor will do can increase or decrease God’s love for us! His love ‘colors outside the lines’!

His love is so great that we can’t fear our past lives getting in the way; they are gone and destroyed, nothing but ashes scattered by the wind, forgotten by God—literally (when God forgives us of our sins, he literally chooses to forget our sins, and remember our sins no more!). Now we are free—truly free—to work for God and reap harvests of supernatural blessings! Satan will try to pull us away from God, declaring that because of our black past, we cannot be used by God. What putrid lies! At the extreme, God used a serial killer and murderer of Christians to preach the Gospel even more powerful than John the Baptist did; he chose a murderer to lead his people out of slavery in Egypt! His name was Saul of Tarsus—also known as Paul; and the infamous Moses. Jesus erased their pasts of wicked sin, gave them a second start, and used them to change the world! With God all things are possible! God can use any one of us in any way he desires! Our past is gone, and forever will be; we are a ‘new creation’, and able to live fully for the Glory of God! Don’t let your pitfalls, burnouts and dives into sin in your past slow you down for Jesus. He doesn’t remember what you did! You’re forgiven! Why do I keep stressing this? Simply because as humans we can never really grasp the very idea of this forgiveness: a forgiveness so huge, mystical, heavenly and complete that our past literally does not exist to God! He literally forgets! If we were to ask God now what we did three years back, he’d shrug and reply, “How would I know? You’re forgiven!” Being a failure, being a nobody, means bull with Jesus. He can change you—and if you let him, he will. You could be the next Saul of Tarsus, and change the world forever!
But you’ll need Jesus’ help, and you’ll need it bad. Coupled with his forgiveness and love, you’re halfway there, and guaranteed eventual passage. Just keep up the pace, push harder and harder, and keep your balance, so you don’t trip and fall; but most of all, cling onto God—cling to Jesus—with every step you take. You’re loved more than you can imagine; an intimate love that invades your soul and squeezes your heart. You’re forgiven! Now you can truly stride forward… and finish the race!

Where has respect for God gone?

Terror. Horror. Fright. Respect. Fear of Jesus, of God. Where has the time gone, the time in the past when we were scared of God? Because of a corrupt culture and watered-down faith, we have come to view Jesus as a stereotype, a dainty figure with a broad smile and sparkling eyes, halo twinkling above his neatly-combed hair; the Bible is seen as the Big Book of God’s Rules; the church is seen as a building with a gong, tainted-glass windows, red satin pews and burning incense, of prayers and chorusing monks bathed in boredom. What have we done? Jesus is not a stereotype, he is the Son of God, with powers and knowledge and grace beyond all our wildest imaginations; the Bible is the Word of God, filled with unforgiving truth and beaming promises made by our Creator, promises that will not be broken; the church should be intimidating and yet loving, open to the outside, taking in anyone who wants to join, the body of Christ. We should fear Jesus, the Word, and the church itself! Where has such fear gone? Our passion is a lukewarm belief when it should be a horrifying, zealous inferno! We should fear God not out of grim fright, but in awe of his power. We should fear the Bible not because it is condemning, but because its pages hold the truths to our complete salvation! We should fear the church because it is filled with God and his presence; we should fear God for just being GOD! Oftentimes God works in strange ways, and fear will be our close neighbor. But fear only God, not the world, for God created the world. God’s plan for your life might be terrifying, but have faith and trust, for fear of God is the only fear that matters! Fear God—fear his power, his might, his knowingness, his control—and leap into the dangers of this world, attacking it head-on with the ferocious valor that Christianity must explode with once again! Fear God, respect God--love God!

responsible irresponsibility

Living your life in fellowship with Jesus is an amazing roller-coaster ride. An undeniable passion explodes in our souls, and we feel God yanking us around. We feel his tugging, his prodding, and agree to go with his plans, for we know they are far superior to our own. Our passion—our zeal—for Jesus sends us hanging onto his shoulders as he barrels us through life. But wait a minute! We surrender to God, he does great things for us, and then—it just doesn’t make sense! Now God is being bizarre and maniacal! We feel God calling, we want to respond, but his urgings are extremely—well, flat-out, extremely irresponsible, extremely strange, extremely confusing and nonsensical in every way! Well, guess what? Irresponsibility for Jesus is our responsibility as Christians! When we ‘go crazy’ for Jesus and do for him what the world sees as ‘stupid’, we are truly in the realm of Jesus! He wants to do more with us—the passion in our souls leads us down a road pockmarked with confusion and rutted with irresponsibility. There is nothing wrong with following Jesus—no matter how many wrong, perverted humans rules you shatter, no matter how bizarre it seems, what people think of you before, during and after; what matters is you follow Jesus—follow God—no matter what direction he calls you to, no matter what weird plans he has for your life.

See a common theme: NO MATTER WHAT.

Don’t fear acting immature and irresponsibly, even if the threat of screwing up is looming over you like an omnipresent shadow. Sometimes Jesus calls us to act in ways the world sees as deranged, in ways the world sees as irresponsible or immature, but when God calls, we must answer! God knows what's best, and his wisdom is purely beyond frail human understanding.

whispers in the silence

God speaks—no doubt there! But how many times has God talked to us? Or, rather, the question should be: how many times have we listened for God? My youth group went to C.I.Y. 2002 (bummer I missed out), a Christian youth event, and it was revolutionizing for many of those who went (and me at C.I.Y. 2003). During the trip, we engaged in a quiet time—2000 kids deathly silent, just listening to God. God spoke to many of them for the first time: so many heard God speak to them, and the results were life changing. God speaks in whispers—he doesn’t shout or rant or scream. A song concocted by Third Day goes, “I thought I heard you shout, but then I figured out, that all along you were whispering to me!” God speaks in whispers—and a lot of times we don’t hear him because of the ‘noise’ all around us [family events, stress, school tensions, boyfriends/girlfriends, and most common: sin]. We need to spend time in listening to God, and we must be willing to wait for him to speak. As people—and I’m a living witness (victim is a better word :-)) to this—we’re too impatient, and we get agitated at not hearing his voice. But God does speak to us all, through thick and thin, no matter what mush is going on in our busy lives. We just have to listen! And in a life of wild abandonment after Jesus, listening to him is essential—not recommended, suggested or a good appetizer—for guidance, deliverance, and encouragement. So listen intently, and be patient. No matter what.

the myth of christian legalism

“I don’t want God. I don’t want my life to be a big lists of checkmarks and a book of dos and don’ts.” So goes one of the greatest hindrances to people accepting the cool forgiveness and love of Jesus: who would want to accept a God who turns a fast-paced, exciting life into a dull, sluggish and otherwise drab one? Nobody. People in general see Christians—and Christianity in general—as a bunch of pious, religious folk who follow a big list of dos and don’ts. The beauty of it is, it’s all a misconception, and Christians who declare that the only way to get into the Kingdom of Heaven is through doing good things and staying away from the bad isn’t helping the situation much. The first misconception is that Christians are pious and perfect—many “Christians” are bitter, spiteful people; and no Christian can claim a life of perfection (only Jesus can); no matter how mature or new in a relationship with Jesus, we still slip into sin and struggle. As I am fond of saying, Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven; and we real Christians strive to follow Jesus’ example in everything we do. The second misconception is that Christianity is about accepting Jesus, then getting into heaven by restricting your freedom and following a bottomless checkbook of dos and don’ts (legalized Christianity: Legalized Christianity is a distortion of real Christianity. Legalized Christians believe Christians are those who live by a long list of dos and don’ts; they believe God’s favor is earned through good works. Legalized Christianity tends to make God’s love something to earn, not something to accept freely. This sort of thinking actually turns the Good News into Bad News!). If anything, Christianity is freedom through Jesus. Jesus brought freedom from the law, freedom from culture, freedom from tradition, freedom from sin. Christianity is about Jesus and freedom, not Jesus and rules. We are free to pray whenever we feel the need or want to; we are free to worship at any time of day; we are free to tell others about God and salvation through Jesus; we are free to live as revolutionaries in a watered-down culture; we are free to be lights to this dark world! Do not let anyone tell you Christianity is a big list of dos and don’ts—it’s not. Christianity is about being real with God, about accepting forgiveness through Jesus, and about having freedom in this dying world. Does this mean we are free to sin and live however we want without even a thought for God? No! Any real Christian will feel a deep, inner desire to live for God, and will work hard not to sin and not to fall into temptation.
While a daring and hostile statement, it is my belief that Christians who don’t live fully for God are not real Christians at all; God declares that he desires real Christians, Christians who are on fire for him: if you are not hot—if you are cold, or even lukewarm for God—you will be spat from God’s mouth on the day of judgment; don't believe in that last statement? It's from the book of Revelation.

conforming to nonconformity

The Scriptures declare it necessary—not merely helpful—to not conform to this world. Christians, in following the greatest revolutionary, MUST follow in his footsteps! Jesus did not conform to this world or its laws, or even to its expectations! He raised the dead, made the blind see, the mute speak, the deaf hear! He made the crippled walk! Jesus did miraculous and astounding things, going against the grain and tide of the day. When others worshipped God, Jesus accepted worship and claimed to be God! He said he could rebuild a destroyed temple in three days! People thought the Messiah would come to rule with a sword—but Jesus came not merely to rule, but to die! As Christians, we, too, must shake the world. We must not conform to the ever-growing cultural consensus that it’s okay to sin; we must not conform to the world’s measure of what is success, what is to be valued, but stick to God’s measure of success and worth. If the authorities order us to renounce Jesus, we ought to disobey and break the law and praise Jesus' awesome name! We must sacrifice ourselves for others, for God—we need to see others as better than ourselves and treat them as such. We must become servants, not the served; we are here to serve, not be served. When God leads us to do things beyond peoples’ expectations and understanding, don’t hesitate—even if he asks you to become an astronaut, or—scarily—a minister in Iran! If God moves us to lie down in worship, to stand and lift our arms, to scream his name, hold nothing back! If God tells us to pray when society—and maybe other Christians—say we ought not to, pray! If God calls us to worship him in a street corner, hold nothing back! Don’t worry about what other people think—what will God think if you don’t respond to his calling for your life? Don’t be a conformist, but a nonconformist. Be wild and crazy for Jesus!

breaking rules for jesus

In abandoning everything to follow Jesus, we have no choice but to mirror his footsteps! Jesus did not sin, wasn’t afraid to shout the truth, and broke laws and regulations to help others and fulfill God’s wondrous plan. When we surrender our lives completely over to God, the urge to back down and cower in fear is often overpowering, but we must not be afraid of fear, and must be willing to break the laws set by humans, but respecting and keeping the laws set by the Rule Maker God! Many times this means breaking the worldly rules to do God’s will, and when we push past the barriers of regulations, things can get a little hectic and—admittedly—pretty intimidating! Jesus will show us down a path he has paved for our lives, a path that will undoubtedly cross with the treading of conflict. When this happens, we—modeling Jesus, our Savior, Master and Best Bud—mustn’t fear going against the grain and breaking a few human rules as long as we stick to the holy, sacred laws set up by God. Jesus constantly broke the laws and regulations—as expressed in the last post—and as being bred in the likeness of Jesus and as his blood has saved us, we are expected to do the same when necessary for the pleasing of God. Note, don't break human laws when breaking them would go against God's laws; a few examples of human laws to be broken are the laws of segregation, racism, prejudice, and laws condemning others, etc. What's worse: breaking human laws or breaking God’s laws?

abandoning everything

We must turn our eyes from seeing Jesus as a quiet little guy who sings hymns and praises all day long. Jesus was a rule breaker. He went against the grain of his time; he defied the authorities with power, and he claimed himself to be God! He touched those who were not to be touched, he worked on the Sabbath, a day when you were not supposed to work, he claimed to be God, punishable by death. Whoa! All of us have an insane urge for revolution; it’s no wonder Jesus got so many followers! He was breaking the rules and going into metaphorical combat with the leaders of the day! What excitement! If someone amazing began a revolution, and we joined, would we continue if the leader started demanding suicide runs against the government? No! So when Jesus claimed himself to be God—a claim punishable by death—his followers swooned, and many left him. Jesus wasn’t just a rule breaker—he was the extremist rule breaker! Jesus was a radical, a danger, a threat to society! But yet, while many turned away, others stayed. When Jesus asked why they weren’t leaving him, they replied: Where else could we go? You have the answers to eternal life! (John 6:68). While many abandoned him, others didn’t sway, and stood steadfast by Jesus’ side. Why? Because he had the answers to eternal life; because he was sheer truth. They abandoned everything they had and followed him, knowing the road ahead would bring peril, being filled with fear, but putting trust in Jesus, just as we should. Jesus was a rule breaker; he made people uncomfortable; but salvation is only found in this wild warrior! We need to abandon everything and follow him! We must forget our friends, family, hobbies, enjoyments, jobs, salaries, safety—everything means everything--so that we can do the will of God (yet this is not an excuse to drop your lousy job, or reject the blessings God has given you). Abandon bad habits, anything that gets in the way of you following Jesus. What is recorded numerous times in the 12 Disciples following Jesus? They dropped everything and followed him! And look how God used them!

curiosity kills the cat?

As we thirst to launch ourselves into a faith in Jesus that is 'real', not charred by social and cultural brainwashing, we often encounter something the world frowns upon and in doing so makes us overly uncomfortable. What is this unforgiving feeling that haunts us? Curiosity. We are filled with a curiosity to know God more, and because of the implantations of society into our minds, we look down upon that ourselves and refuse to ask questions. Questions—duh—often make us look stupid, embarrass us, and force us to bathe in our seeming ‘stupidity’. But while the world scolds curiosity, Jesus adores it. Thomas refused to believe Jesus had risen until he placed his hands on Jesus' wounds; the other disciples were frustrated about that, but was Jesus? Did Jesus scorn him for his curiosity? No! He walked right up to him and said, “Put your fingers here and see my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don’t be faithless any longer. Believe!” (John 20:27 NLT) God will not back down from your questions, but accepts them smiling and with arms wide open. We should not be afraid of curious questions—God loves to answer them more than we could imagine. If faced with doubt while working to ‘reunite’ or ‘strengthen’ or ‘advance’ our faith, questions are not a stumbling block, but a tool. We must lift our questions up to God and patiently wait for his reply!

shattered truth

Shattered Truth

The extravagant, dangerous and risk-filled adventure of Christianity—of passionately running after Jesus—has been greatly watered-down by culture, transformed from a glistening sword to a metal block of boredom. Acts details a time of ferociousness in Christians—a time when Christians sent the world into a tumbling whirlwind. Where has such vigor run off to; the enthusiasm that was once held after Christ has dissolved into a mere icon of love, peace, humility and—sadly—a life of dullness and absent pleasures. Such exhilaration seems to have been washed away, eroded by the numbing effects of our society, turned into a tasteless mush. To many—and, unfortunately, most—Jesus’ words are held as symbolic and charming, yet no more than guidelines for Christian monks, when in reality his words and actions should be the soldiers’ handbook in the spiritual war we constantly wage all around us. Christians are viewed as ‘nice’ people; but Peter, Paul, James and John—as well as the other apostles—were everything but ‘nice’! These men were radical and wild-eyed maniacs for Jesus, causing the world to shudder in worry and discomfort. But this pure wildness of Christianity has been almost completely lost, doomed to history. It has nearly been replaced with the boring, sing-a-few-hymns, pray-three-times-a-day and love-your-neighbor-as-yourself tea party! The excitement found in Acts and the early years of Christianity must be returned! We Christians must once again feel the intense dangers of following Jesus, the thrill of stepping past our borders, the wonder and amazement at God’s wondrous hand in our lives. We are viewed as ‘nice people who obey a big set of endless rules and lead boring lives’. But our faith must be transformed into an eager fellowship with Jesus, where we are scared of nothing, and trusting in Jesus to help us through. We must not be ‘nice’ anymore, but refusing to deny the truth and its embodiment in Jesus Christ. The world should see us as ‘radical soldiers of Christ, fearless and courageous, standing down to no one and nothing but God Almighty’. The Christian faith must be rejuvenated! We have to become the rebels of this world, not the ‘peace-keepers’. No more can we be afraid of death, or reputations, and we must be excited to work for Jesus—and smirk right into Satan’s face. Our excitement must explode—Jesus should no longer be the cheery-eyed, giddy-laugh and rosy-faced momma’s-boy, but the eagle-like, bellowing warrior who swept against authorities and brought truth into the light: the greatest rebel to ever walk the face of the planet!

2004: the second week

Monday. I didn't sleep too well, and I forgot my backpack at home; so I used my US/World Studies binder all day. I did a crossword puzzle in chemistry; listening to Mr. Crain droning on and on about condensation wasn't too captivating. After work I ran by Brian's house to get some community service signatures, and I went to the library to return some Stephen King books. Before heading home I went by Chris & Lee's to return Lee's game and the jacket Chris left at the house yesterday. Pat D. joined us and we went out to Long John Silver's for lunch. Dewenter and Ashley are fine again. 

Tuesday. I took my new mini-bible to school with me today. It was very cold driving in: my hands felt numb and dead even under thermal gloves. I used a pencil in Art to paint, and in chemistry Steffen wanted five bucks but I wouldn't give it to him, and he started telling everyone I was buying pot. It was weird. I spent the day after school working on Starseed, a book I've been writing: I could have it finished by the end of the week! I also did some work on my short zombie story 12 Hours; I divided up most of the scenes into what would be cool levels in a video game. 

Wednesday. I spent all day--including school--working on Starseed, and I finally finished it! My hand hurts, but I feel so free. The ending is spectacular. I'm going to print it out, put it in a binder, and be done with it. I may be done writing novels. Ashley told me Dewenter is moving too fast for her, but I didn't know what to tell her. Later in the evening I went by Southwest at the YMCA to get some papers signed by Roger, and I helped him set up for a class he was teaching. He told me that I'm always radiating joy, and I told him it's because of Jesus. He said my joy encourages him. I had pizza for dinner and finished my Emerson/Thoreau project for English.

Thursday. It was a beast of a day at school. A beautiful foreign exchange student named Bruna from Brazil bent down in front of me, and her smooth breasts hung like doves. In Study Hall Steffen found a paper on the floor, some sort of Date Match, for a guy named Andrew at our school who's gay. Mr. Wertz crumpled it up and threw it away, and Steffen joked, "Why'd you do that? I'm sure he was just looking for a great guy!" Wertz replied, "Would you like to be the first volunteer?" and someone snickered, "Burn..." Ricky, Dylan and I--along with a guy named Alex, who loathes me--flicked pencil pieces and pen caps all across Geometry class, and Dylan accidentally hit Erika in the face. 

Friday. I worked 4-9:00 after school, and Bryon joined me on my half-hour break and we talked about 412 and some of our frustrations. We've decided to attack first-hand some of the problems in 412, and we know that although there will be lots of friction, it won't matter because God is on our side, and if God is for us, then who can be against us? 

Saturday. I went in to work at 9:30, and Dad took me to Subway on my break. I got off at 3:00 and went to North Park to spend some time in prayer regarding everything at 412. I asked Jesus to open my eyes and let me see the world as he sees it, and all of a sudden a gut-wrenching sorrow overcame me, and though I was alone in those woods, I could see different people, I could see the world. My eyes watered with tears, so many people lost! So many people confused, blinded, and going down wrong paths! Sorrow, compassion, love! My throat knotted. All these Christians blinded by Satan are held back from truly seeing God! They are saved, and they have Jesus, yet still they are lost; except now, instead of wandering in a foreign land, they are lost at home. My heart overflowed for all the lost, and I tasted just a bit of the insanely deep love, sorrow and compassion that God has for not just the believers but for the unbelievers, too. I went to Dylan and Tyler's after my time at North Park, but Tyler left to go see Ellie, some girl he's been making out with. Dylan and I played PS2, and his Mom fixed us some chicken and noodles with buttered bread, it was so good! We played pool, and when Tyler came back we watched a show on Jessica Simpson.

Sunday. I was pretty social at church, met two new people: a kid named Lonny, and a girl named Michelle. I lost my wallet at Applebee's, had to go back to get it, and I tripped on a bar stool in the process. Chris, Lee and Pat D. came over, and we went to Deal's and I got a Halloween tape and a U.F.O. ID card. Pat got some candles, Lee got a lighter, and Chris (as always) bought some candy. We went to Border's and then to Half-Price. I wanted a dinosaur book but was out of money, so Lee and Pat went around the store begging people for quarters so I could buy it. They asked one woman twice, it was pretty funny. Eventually we got enough quarters and I got the book, and we went back to my place. Chris broke down my door, and then everyone left.

12/29/03 - 1/1/04

Carakiller, from The Future is Wild

Monday. Chris, Lee, Bryon and I spent the night at Dewenter's, and come morning I ran Chris home. The My Jeep was making funny noises. Bryon left early, wanted to spend some time with Erika. I burned some incense, played PS2, took a shower, and watched Con Air. I worshiped with some incense and candles to set the mood, spilled my heart out to God: I'm lonely, wanting more real friends; I'm aching for a girlfriend and feel worthless and shunned, like I've been screwed over in every way possible. I feel torn and alone, unwanted and uncared for, especially at 412. But there is joy: joy in God's forgiveness, joy in knowing that Jesus will always be there. Jesus stands beside me; he holds me when I'm weak, he cries when I cry. He's angry at the injustice and fakeness buried under the skin at 412. There's joy that Jesus is on my side, the side of truth. ["Are you kidding me, Anth?"] I feel God telling me, "Hey! You are no accident! You are fearfully and wonderfully made! I make no mistakes! You are here because I put you here; you are here to suffer; and you suffer to stop suffering!"

Tuesday. I lied around all day, watched The Negotiator. Dad took us out to eat at Fazoli's, because Olive Garden was too crowded. Dad used a "shortcut" to get us there, but I'm pretty sure he was lost. Afterwards we went to the Family Christian Bookstore, where Michelle works, and I got a book called John: In contemporary Language, and Debbie and Lee came into the store at the same time as us. I spent the night at Chris and Lee's, and we watched an evolutionary propaganda dogma on TV, The Future is Wild, and we made fun of it all night! Evolution is a joke! Chris walked in on me when I was pooping--his ace and mine were hilarious. I crashed on Lee's floor. 

New Year's Eve. We woke up around 11:00, watched TV and ate breakfast and played N64, and we had Penn Station for dinner. Someone imitated Pat D. online and tried to ruin his relationship with Ashley! We wanted to celebrate the New Year's by ourselves at my place, but Mom said No. So we went to the New Year's Eve party at the Stevens'. I played POD against Bowden and Lee, and I lost both times. Dewenter said I sucked as much as he did. Corey Stevens attacked me; I laughingly strangled him until he could barely breathe, then bashed his nuts into a pole. He decided to stop messing with me after that. The girls were talking in the corner, and someone said "... kiss Anthony..." and several passes of "Ewww..." and "Gross..." spread 'round the group. That felt pretty awesome. I bet God is mad at stuff like this, too.

New Year's Day. I'm no fan of New Year's resolutions. Just more things to broken, and when it's broken, you feel terrible. Why not just skip the anguish and skip resolutions altogether? But I have something I do want to change, for several reasons. I want to lose weight, eat healthier, exercise, and try to get rid of my acne so that I'll hopefully not be socially ostracized. My plan involves eating healthy, running and biking or whatever every day. Dewenter and I went to Family Christian and got $10 bibles, and then we went to the Mall's shops Hot Topics & Nirvana. We went to Best Buy, but just ended up perusing. He got sick all of a sudden--numb and throwing up and stuff--so he went home, heartbroken because Ashley split up with him. Lee and I went to North Park, and Chris went on a date with Megan. When the date was over, Lee and I picked him up from the theater and went back to my place. We all have I.D.s from The Future is Wild: I'm a carakiller, Chris is a silver spider, Lee is a swampus, and Dewenter is a Toraton. We were up till 5 A.M. playing video games and watching movies. "How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?" "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." Yeah, we watched The Usual Suspects.

Friday. I took Chris and Lee home and got ready for work: 4-9:00 at Springboro I.G.A. I burned some music by Dashboard Confessional, John Reuben, Dave Matthews, and Brand New. Dewenter says he's feeling better about the whole Ashley thing. I saw Chris, him, and Pat D. when they came through I.G.A. They were buying soap to dump all over Hague's car, and then some cheese to put on top. It was a slow day, and I have to work 9:30-3:00 tomorrow.

Saturday. Wave after wave after wave of rainstorms hammered down on all day, and I swore the store's windows were going to burst. The parking lot flooded and the air reeked of ozone. After work I got dinner from Gyro Palace and watched Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Chris and I went to Pat D.'s, and I traded him my Alvarez for his Schmick, two speakers, a blacklight, some potpourri, incense, a slingshot, and some more sweet stuff. ["Anthony, you idiot."] 

Sunday. Today was the last day of Winter Break. After church Bryon, Corey and I went to the Dayton Mall, and I bought Corey lunch in the food court. We confessed to him that we'd made fun of him, distanced himself from him, the whole nine yards. We also scrutinized, criticized, and tried to imagine ideas to help eliminate or ease 5 problems with 412: cliques, ostracism of newcomers/those outside cliques, two-faced living with hypocrisy, gossip, and how it's a popularity fest. Chris and Bryon came over, and Chris shot me in the cheek with the slingshot I got from Pat d. I attacked him and he kicked me in the balls. Bryon tried holding him back, but Chris stabbed him three or four times in the leg and then darted out the front door and vanished. We looked everywhere for him, from 4:30 to 5:30, and then he called us from his house: "Bring me my coat and Lee's PS2 game." I just hung up on him, would do it later. Bryon left, and I fixed steak for supper. Dad suggested some recourse in regard to what Chris did, and I snapped back at him. He looked hurt, and I felt awful. But everything was okay: we closed out the night watching Bruce Almighty, and he fell asleep in my bed. I had school in the morning so I woke him up and said good night, and he shuffled off to bed and I did likewise.