A lot has been going on lately. Lots of work. Birthday celebrations (Dad's forty-something). Borders Books & Music. Lots of work. Last Friday I started developing a sore throat and I attributed it to Strepp. Nope. I've got a really bad cold and the lining of my nose is peeling like a sunburn. The only difference is this hurts worse. So I've been carrying around a box of tissues and praying it will blow over. I really don't like colds. Once again, it's one of those things you promise to be grateful without, but when the time comes and the cold dissipates, you get on with life and are ungrateful. Unless it's something traumatic, I think that's how it is for just about everyone.
The Enemy has been running circles around me lately. One of the biggest moments when his attack became so apparent was last night at K2. I had to read something for Jeff, and when I started reading it, the most insatiable panic gripped me, a panic darker than any I've ever known. I didn't know why this happened. I had been fine stepping up onto the stage. When I finally understood the Enemy was toying around, I didn't pray - I was too terrified to pray. But the panic vanished in a matter of seconds, and I remembered how the Holy Spirit prays for us when we don't have the words. The rest of the composition ran smoothly. I don't think my words left any kind of spiritual mark on anyone, that part was left to Jeff; I think the Enemy was trying to pass on a lying message to me, You're worthless and you won't do any good. You can't do anything right. Just give up.
I have been able to recognize his assaults over the last couple days, in a varied host of dimensions. But the message they are delivering me is clear: You can never be loved. You're too ugly to be loved. Just look at you - God doesn't like you at all. He hates you. You only exist as an object of His mockery. These lies run through my head, through my feelings, and I have to tell myself, "You know very well what is happening. Don't listen to him. He's a liar and he'll get put in his place when the time comes. God will see to it." Awful temptation, too, has been hitting me when I least expect it - in the dead of night, during school (the worst), and even ten minutes before church. It takes all I am to fight through it. And when the temptation comes, and I stand my ground and plead with God to take them off me, not a few moments passes before it vanishes into thin air and I know they're hands have been taken off.
The Enemy has been running circles around me lately. One of the biggest moments when his attack became so apparent was last night at K2. I had to read something for Jeff, and when I started reading it, the most insatiable panic gripped me, a panic darker than any I've ever known. I didn't know why this happened. I had been fine stepping up onto the stage. When I finally understood the Enemy was toying around, I didn't pray - I was too terrified to pray. But the panic vanished in a matter of seconds, and I remembered how the Holy Spirit prays for us when we don't have the words. The rest of the composition ran smoothly. I don't think my words left any kind of spiritual mark on anyone, that part was left to Jeff; I think the Enemy was trying to pass on a lying message to me, You're worthless and you won't do any good. You can't do anything right. Just give up.
I have been able to recognize his assaults over the last couple days, in a varied host of dimensions. But the message they are delivering me is clear: You can never be loved. You're too ugly to be loved. Just look at you - God doesn't like you at all. He hates you. You only exist as an object of His mockery. These lies run through my head, through my feelings, and I have to tell myself, "You know very well what is happening. Don't listen to him. He's a liar and he'll get put in his place when the time comes. God will see to it." Awful temptation, too, has been hitting me when I least expect it - in the dead of night, during school (the worst), and even ten minutes before church. It takes all I am to fight through it. And when the temptation comes, and I stand my ground and plead with God to take them off me, not a few moments passes before it vanishes into thin air and I know they're hands have been taken off.
1 comment:
Anthony...dude i know exactly what your going through. the devil has been attacking me also lately, and i feel like God has been putting me through trials lately. and ive failed horribly with anger and frustration. i hope i get stronger. but you are doing great it seems...thats a good encouragement, thanks!
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