It's been a crazy last 24 hours.

Please pray for me.

Pray that God will make me not care about the things that tear me apart. Pray that God will change me into the person whom He wants me to be. Pray that God will let me taste His goodness every day... I need it so much!

I am in a lot of pain, chaos, confusion, and emotional pain right now.

One of my good friends asked me, "Why did your breakup with Julie hurt you so much? Do you think it's because you liked the girl so much or is it because she symbolized something greater?" As I contemplated his question, I replied, "I think it's that she symbolized something greater. She symbolized hope. Hope that I wouldn't always be a hopeless romantic. Hope that things would begin to fall together. Hope that my life had the possibility of change. When she broke up with me, hope broke up with me. Feelings of hopelessness invaded me, and I found myself struggling to believe that my days of being a hopeless romantic would ever change." Don't get me wrong, Julie is a great girl; but I know now that we were not as compatible as I thought we were. She was everything I always wanted in a girl, and when she broke up with me I felt as if my dreams were smashed upon the rocks. I thought now that I had been with the "girl of my dreams," I would have to settle for less. Now I am realizing that is not true at all.

At times the feelings of hopelessness begin to crowd me, and I feel as if change is nothing I will ever experience. My life will always remain how it is now: unsatisfied, discontent, and yearning for something more. Yesterday evening was one of those times. I opened up one of the devotionals I have lying around, praying that God would tell me something I needed to hear. The excerpt I opened up to had the words of Anne Ortlund:

God is at work in all the kaleidoscoping family transitions; not only in the high points but in the endings, beginnings, detours, dead ends, and in-between times. His powerful tools are not just the promotions and graduations but the failures and firings and losses and sicknesses and shocks and periods of boredom. In them all He's silently, busily, unceasingly encouraging, punishing, shaping...

...And during all His working--all God's silent activity in the disappointments, surprises, delights, irritations--transformations are taking place...

Do you feel as if nothing is happening...? I guess so does a lobster, encased in that ridiculous armor. As he grows it even get crowded inside. But he sheds it fourteen times during his first year of life. Each shedding takes ten days, and each time in the period between shells--when he's naked, exposed, vulnerable--he grows about seven percent.

You feel stifled, unfulfilled? You don't know when you'll break into change?

Wait for God.
Wait on God.
Wait with God.

Life is not fixed. Let it happen; don't rush it. "It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing." (Phil 2.13,14) Keep your eyes fixed on Him, live in obedience as you see it, and then just be there.

I identify with the lobster. I liked my last shell, but it has been shed. Now I feel naked, exposed, and vulnerable. But even in this time, a new shell is growing. A bigger, better, grander, and more beautiful shell than the first. Eventually I will be encased in this new shell. Just not yet. And eventually that shell will be shed, I will be naked, exposed, and vulnerable again... And then a bigger and better shell will grow in its place. God is doing something great in my life. He is training me to be the person whom He wants me to be. This training is difficult and painful at times, but transformation takes place.

Oh, and the title of the devotional page was "God Has Plans For Those He Has Chosen." Ironic, eh?

While I am in no way Calvinistic, I do tend to try to find the rhythm and rhyme to certain big events that happen in my life.

When Julie broke up with me, I was a mess. A hurricane of emotions overcame me: anger, frustration, sorrow, hopelessness. I looked inward at myself and tried to find out what I did wrong, how I had treated her wrongly, how I had failed at being a good boyfriend. I constantly asked her, bathing in (false) guilt, "Did I treat you like a princess?" "Yes," she said. "You treated me right. You were a great boyfriend."

So why did this happen?

I started looking outwards. I looked at God and wondered, "Did You do this to me? Did You bring this suffering upon me?" I thought of two scenarios that might possibly explain what happened. The first had to do with God's discipline: "You let me be with the girl of my dreams, then took her away because I was not living how You want me to live." The second had to do with an act of God's mercy: "You knew I really liked this girl, so You took her away because she is not the one whom You have for me." My father told me, "The truth is usually somewhere in the middle." So my thoughts have transformed.

Julie was not the one God has for me. He used her and the pain I experienced in the breakup to show me my need for change in certain moral areas of my life. The pain I went through is nothing I would wish upon my worst mortal enemy. Yet out of the ashes come flowers. Out of the brokenness comes completion. Out of the shadows comes light. God has shown me where change is needed. "You need to get over this stuff before I will let you two come together." Before He brings me the one He has for me, I need to break free from the moral problems in my life. Was Julie the one God had for me? NO. If she was, then following my repentance, we will be back together. But she isn't, that I am sure of, and that's quite fine. God is a God of hope, not of hopelessness. "I have someone for you," God has told me (and this isn't the time to bring your theology of God's communications with man into the picture). "But until you two are together, you need to become the man I want you to be, so you will truly be able to be the good husband and good father whom you feel called to be."

I thank God for my last relationship. It is a foretaste of what the future holds with a different girl. I thank God that He had the balls to hurt me so that I could become a better person for Him, His kingdom, and for my future wife and family. I thank God that He is full of grace, mercy, compassion, goodness, and justice. I thank God that He loves me, likes me, favors me, and really wants me to be happy. And I am thankful that I am able to still be friends with Julie, because she is an amazing girl and I value the friendship. She has helped me through a lot of my struggles and has been there for me as a good friend ought to be.

why does suffering exist?

Theologians and philosophers have come up with dozens of reasons for the existence of suffering, but today we’re going to look at three in particular, two of which come upon Christians by God’s direct actions (“God might cause me to suffer?” Yes; we’ll talk about that).

The greatest reason for the existence of suffering comes from the state of the universe we live in. The original beauty and goodness of the original creation has been marred by sin, and the by-product of this is suffering. Because of sin, because of rebellion against God, suffering has entered the universe. A lot of times when we suffer, there is no rhythm or rhyme to it except, “Such is life.” “Everything happens for a reason” is the oft-quoted (and unbiblical) concept that says all suffering happens for a reason. Under this mindset, we only suffer when we’ve done something horribly wrong. However, many times good people suffer just because they live in a fallen world.

Christians may experience suffering as a test (1 Pet 1.7). God will allow—or cause—suffering to come into our lives to test our commitment to Him. God did this with King Hezekiah. The big question of such testing is, “Is my faith genuine?” God already knows the answer; this testing lets us know whether or not our faith in God is genuine. How we respond to testing, how we bear through it, and how we relate to God during suffering reveals who we really are. Suffering teaches us about the nature of our being. It is easy to pledge allegiance to God in times of prosperity and abundance, but the true nature of our allegiance shines brightly when the prosperity and abundance are replaced with sorrow and grief. “How should we respond to this testing?” As 1 Pet 2.21 says, we are to model Christ who suffered and remained loyal to God even when it felt like God had abandoned him.

Christians may also suffer because God disciplines them (Heb 12.5-7). God disciplines His children, and so when God disciplines us, it shows that we really do belong to Him. If God does not discipline us when discipline is needed, then we are not really His children. “Why does God discipline us?” Heb 12.10-11 sheds some light on this subject. Divine discipline takes place when we refuse to submit to holy living. There are times when God urges us to change our lives through subtle, quiet, and soft means. However, when we continually refuse to change, He will ten use drastic, extreme measures to get our attention (discipline). While discipline is not at all enjoyable, if we heed the discipline and make the changes God demands, we will become better people.

For those suffering, the great question is, “Is there any hope?” It is easy, in suffering, to lose hope, to exclaim in tears, “I’ll never get out of this! This is all my life will ever add up to! There’s no chance of change!” Scripture plainly teaches, however, that if we stick to God in times of testing, if we repent of the sin for which we were disciplined, and if we stick to God when life sucks… He will repay us with a “double-recompense.” This means that He will restore to us the essence of that which was lost and then give us even more than we had before!

“What ought we do in times of suffering?” First, stick with God. Do not abandon Him even when it feels like He has abandoned you (for He has not). Second, keep hope alive. Do not submit to resignation. Shout, “This will change! I need to stick it out!” Trust God no matter what. Have faith that He knows what He is doing, that He has your best interests at heart, that He really loves you and likes you and cares for you… even when reality seems to say the opposite. Third, examine yourself. “What is this suffering teaching me?” What is the suffering teaching you about God? about others? about life? about yourself? Makes changes where changes are called-for. And finally, Stick with God and do not lose hope!

(my lesson yesterday)

As any of my loyal blog readers know, I suffer from a clinical condition called "clinical depression." I got into a conversation on clinical depression with someone I know, and his words really stemmed a tide of... I'll blatantly confess it... animosity.

"The Bible clearly teaches that he is happy who has the Lord as his God. This promise remains true despite any 'clinical' condition. So why would a Christian be depressed? A depressed Christian is either someone who is not a Christian at all or someone who has sin in their life that they have not repented of. Their sin has opened them up to a spirit of possession of depression, and they need to repent and renounce all such involvement with the sin that has separated them from God and opened them up to denomic attack. All God's promises are true, and Jesus promised peace to His people. So a depressed Christian is either not a Christian at all or someone who has sinned and opened themselves up to Satan trying to mess up their life. The answer is not in medicine or counseling but in repentance and repentance alone."

Buddy, words like these have caused many Christians to lose hope. Thanks for being such a great tool for the kingdom of God.

a conversation

Not being able to sleep last night, I got online. One of my friends--Katy--asked what I was doing still up. I told her that I could not sleep because I felt like I was drowning. "I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean, trying to find some land, but I swim and swim and swim, but no matter how hard I swim, no land appears and it feels like I'm just staying in one place." "It feels like you're drowning?" she asked. "Exactly," I said. And so our conversation began...

Katy: "Are you, may I ask, a control freak somewhat?"

Me: "Sometimes, I guess. Is that bad?"

Katy: "Well, I am, too, and the times that I feel like I'm drowning the most is when I am gripping the wheel of my life so tight that I won't let God lift me out of the quicksand I got myself into."

Me: "That sounds very akin to what's going on with me. I had this plan for my life, and it was torn down, and now I feel like I'm drowning, like there's no hope. I'll never get the right job, the right girl, won't ever be so lucky to get married and have kids and build a family and start a church. But I'm only 19, you know, but I still feel like my life is slipping through my fingers like sieve."

Katy: "I understand. I'm going through the husband thing right now, especially since my best friend who is younger than me just got married."

Me: "One of my best friends got married over the summer, so I understand what you're saying."

Katy: "I feel like God kind of laughs when we tell Him the plans we have for our lives."

Me: "And then we wonder if He even cares."

Katy: "Because, honestly, you would not want to be married right now anyways. You couldn't support her."

Me: "Yeah... I mean, I don't want marriage right now, but I'd like to meet 'the one' and begin that long process leading up to marriage. I thought I found her but I was wrong, and that killed me. And I guess I'm just lying bleeding on the ground."

Katy: "Well... Maybe she is Mrs Right, but she isn't Mrs Right right now."

Me: "No, I know she isn't 'Mrs Right.' I know that for sure."

Katy: "Okay, well, you have to understand that your vision and perception is kind of like a horse with those blinders on. You can't see everything that's happening, but God can. So, proverbially speaking, God is the jockey of your life."

Me: *sigh* "I just wish I had some clarity."

Katy: "Have you prayed for clarity?"

Me: "Yeah, and I'm still praying. But nothing happens. So I keep praying. But still no clarity."

Katy: "Then maybe God is trying to tell you, 'even though you can''t see clearly, and you feel like you are walking blind, you still need to trust Me.'"

Me: "Yeah, trusting is a big issue for me, since I'm such a control freak. Hence why He may not be granting my request for clarity. Because He wants to strengthen my trust in Him."

Katy: "Perhaps this is His way of teaching you to put your hands in His and let Him lead you? Perhaps."

Me: "I'm afraid of where He'll take me. I'm afraid that if I give Him the reigns, I'll be miserable. So I keep trying to plan my own life out. And I feel crappy for it, though I know almost everyone does the same thing... me just more-so than others, perhaps."

Katy: "Come on, Anthony. You know that if you trust Him to lead you, that you won't be miserable. I mean, I am sure you will be at some points, but if you put your full trust in God, I think you know that He will lead you to do things and go places you never though possible with your life."

Me: "Yeah, you're right. I do 'know' it... It's just that 'believing' it is something entirely different."

Katy: "It is. It's so hard. And I dole out all this seemingly wise advice, but I am probably worse off than you are in this department. My worst fear is being alone. Never getting married."

Me: "That's mine, too. Bingo. And we're not alone. There are so many like us who are unwilling to admit it. I have two simple dreams for my life: to preach/teach and to build a family with my wife. I hope God honors those dreams, but sometimes I do not know if He will. And that thought terrifies me."

Katy: "I feel like that a lot. But I honestly do not believe that God would give me this desire to be a wife and a mother, if He did not have the intentions of fulfilling them."

A few years ago, pastor Rick Warren published a book called “The Purpose-Driven Life.” In forty days, a person could discover his or her reason for existence, could discover his or her purpose for being a living, breathing creature in this world stained with sorrow and joy. “Why am I here?” is one of the greatest questions anyone can ever ask. It’s been contemplated by human beings since the dawn of time. “What is the will of God for my life?”

I believe that God has two types of “wills” for our life: general will and specific will.

God has a general will for our lives, a will that is the same for every single person on the planet. First, God wants us to believe in His Son. This “belief” involves commitment, repentance, and obedience. Second, God wants us to pursue holiness. He wants us to obey Him and try to live as He wants us to live. Third, God wants us to evangelize. He wants us to tell other people about Him and to introduce them to His grace. As long as we believe in Christ, pursue holiness, and evangelize, we are purely in the will of God.

Yet God also has, I believe, a specific will for us. This is a will that differs from person-to-person. When I look at the countless stories of the scriptures, I see that God had different plans for different people: Abraham, Joseph, Moses, Joshua, David, the countless prophets, John the Baptist, the Apostles… And I believe God has specific wills for every one of His people. He has a certain desire for our life. He wants to use us in a certain, unique way.

“What is the specific will of God for my life?” I believe His specific will for my life is two-fold: first, to preach or teach in the name of His Son, to advance His kingdom. Second, I believe He wants me to be a good husband and a good father. My opportunities for the first continue to grow and evolve, and it is exciting. Yet sometimes I become discouraged about the latter. I feel out-of-place when I am not doing what God wants me to do, and so when it seems hopeless that I will never be a husband or father, I become depressed. Yet I realize that God operates on His own timetable. He has told me, I truly believe, that He has someone special out there for me. He has someone whom He wants me to be with. Have I met her? Perhaps, but probably not. I just need to have faith like Abraham, even when it seems to become more and more impossible with each passing day.

Katy: "I've always wanted to be Amish. But only for a little while."

Me: "We should become Amish. We could build a little hut out on the quad, raise cattle and chase chickens."

Katy: "Hey, I've got the chickens!"

Me: "We could cut off the chickens' heads and stack them in a pyramid right in front of the worship ministry building, just like the Assyrians!"

Katy: "Oh, I'm sure that would go over well."

Me: "And if anyone protested, we'd skin them alive and hang them on the light-poles. We'd light their bodies and they would light up the campus at night. Just like the Romans!"

Katy: "Yeah. And we could have little amlets named Jethro and Sarah-Beth."

Me: "Amlets?"

Katy: "You know, little Amish children. Pronounced 'Ahm-lets'."

Me: "And we could make them a sacrifice to the Ammonite god Molech by burning them alive."

Katy: "Ummm... That was a little too far."

Me: "Yeah. I actually feel bad."

surrender to god: many perspectives

"What does it mean for someone to totally surrender himself/herself over to God?"

"You know in your heart that what matters to you really doesn't matter. All that matters is what God thinks and what He wants you to do. You basically tell God and actively pursue the idea that no matter what comes into your life, you will seek Him first and not even try anything on your own. Ever. You pray and maybe even fast before you make decisions, you seek godly counsel from those around you, you get into the word more and more, and you basically just make a conscious effort to live everyday looking at the world through God's eyes." - Julie

"It means putting God before everything else in your life." - Matt

"Give God complete control of your life: your resources, your desires, and you just completely let God do everything and not worry about anything you want." - Kyle

"It means you completely submit your life to the will of God, and that everything you do in your life would have to be for Him, His plan, and in alliance with what He tells us in scripture. It's about forgetting what you wanted and what you planned, and letting God do all things for you." - Katy

"We do things not for our own satisfaction or glory, but for God's satisfaction and glory. Every aspect of our life should reflect Him. Someone who surrenders to God is someone who gives Him the control over their whole life." - Megan

"Everything that the person owes, he or she gives it all to God. All their thoughts, possessions, all their heart. Anything that God has provided, you give it back to Him." - Rochelle

"You put everything you want aside and seek what God wants for you." - Dan

"Surrender everything you are and everything you have to Him. Live totally for Him and let Him be in control over everything." - Trista

"You decide that you'll do whatever God wants you to do. You put Him first in your life before all others. You do what's best for Him and His kingdom, and not what will benefit you. That kind of stuff." - Doc Rob

"Ummm... Well... I think it is just making your will what He wants, it is learning what it is that God has for you and to chase after that with all your heart, not trying to get distracted by things that you want that are not in His will." - Tim

"To give up things you know are pulling you farther away from Christ and to seek Him first in everything. Basically say, 'Lord, here I am. I'm giving up all these things for you. I know that they are getting in the way of my relationship with you. Lord, let your will be done through me.' It's sacrificing what you want for what God wants. It's saying, 'Here I am, Lord. Use me to further Your kingdom." - Pentoast

Here's one I like a lot:

"I could give you a nice 'christianese' answer, like, 'It means giving up any control over one's life and seeking God's will alone.' But that doesn't cut it. I think a lot of it has to do with God calling us... us realizing how evil we are in our hearts... and asking God to transform our wicked hearts. But the idea of 'totally surrendering' seems a little irrelevent to me. We should all seek to surrender ourselves to God, of course, but I think coming up with a certain 'level' where everything is good is kind dumb... We'll never really perform good enough for such an infinitely perfect God. That's where grace comes in." - Benhase

And Katy throws on as a tag-line, keeping us all humble:

"Well, it's not exactly fun. Not that I ever seem to get it right."

Nor do I, Katy, nor do I.

When Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals, some skeptics called them “devil eyes.” These skeptics were legalistic Christians who believed that if one had enough faith in God, then a person’s eyesight would be healed. These legalistic ideologies thrust loads of false guilt upon those unlucky enough to experience the physical problem of bad eyesight. Nowadays, no one condemns glasses, aspirin, penicillin, or migraine medications, but many people condemn taking medication for such physiological ailments as depression, O.C.D., anxiety, mood swings, schizophrenia, social phobia, paranoia, and A.D.H.D. These people fail to realize that these mental problems stem not from a spiritual source but a physiological source: the problem lies not in the person, but the person’s organ (the brain). If someone suffers a heart attack and needs a pacemaker, no one objects; but if someone goes on anti-depressants, objections come from every direction. “Why?” I want to know. “Is the brain not an organ just like the heart, submissive to a fallen state and possible degradation?”

Because of the Fall, the whole scope of creation—from galaxies to microbe—is undergoing degradation. The creation is falling apart more and more each day (though, one day, God will restore it to its original beauty and goodness). This degradation takes place in our bodies as well, and one of the organs that is submissive to the curse of the fallen creation is the brain. The majority of mental illnesses stem from an imbalance in four main brain chemicals: serotonin, dopamine, G.A.B.A., and norepinephrine.

Serotonin is the leading culprit in most cases of depression. Serotonin is made only in the brain, floating in the synapses (or spaces) between our 40 billion brain and nerve cells. “Reuptake Sites” keep the serotonin in balance. When the serotonin is in balance, it helps the person experience love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, and meekness. It also helps provide energy during the day and great sleep at night. When the serotonin is out-of-balance (a result of the Fall), the person does not experience its effects very well. The person becomes depressed, unloving, impatient, fatigued, withdrawn, guilt-ridden, “pained”, irritable, less gentle, and has a hard time exercising self-control.

Dopamine gives the person sanity. When the dopamine is out-of-balance, the person may experience three levels of “insanity.” First, the person may have difficulty holding thoughts or experience paranoia. More severely, the person may begin hearing audible voices, often saying negative things about them (“Is this God? An angel? A demon?” None of the above! It is a dopamine deficiency!). In the most severe cases, the person becomes delusional, sometimes even to the point of believing he or she is God or Jesus Christ.

G.A.B.A. (Gamma-Amino-Butyric-Acid) helps curb worries, lessen shyness, provide muscle relaxation, and ease substance abuse. Those with deficient levels of G.A.B.A. experience lots of anxiety, paranoia, and may become easily addicted to substances.

Norepinephrine helps regulate a person’s energy, motivation, sexual pleasure, and it also helps improve mental focus. Those with low norepinephrine may experience sexual dysfunction, chronic fatigue, forgetfulness, lessened motivation, and depression. Those with high norepinephrine may experience anxiety, insomnia, and panic attacks.

When these four brain amines (serotonin, dopamine, G.A.B.A., and norepinephrine) work together as God created them to, the person feels better and enjoys life more, despite the circumstances. However, those with deficiencies in these amines experience mental disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, schizophrenia, and A.D.H.D. (to name a few).

Exploring my own life and reflecting on the doctor’s diagnosis, I am pretty sure I have low levels of norepinephrine and serotonin (resulting in bipolar disorder, also known as “manic-depression”). Some people may tell me, “You need to get right with God and everything will get better.” Do we say this to paraplegics who are in wheel-chairs? If not, then why do some people become so eager to condemn those with different physiological ailments? I cannot say it enough: those who suffer mental disorders are no better or worse than anyone else, they simply have a physiological problem that can be treated (though not totally cured).

“How am I going about treating my disorder?” Three specific ways.

First, I am taking medicine and eating the right nutrients. Second, I am going to start going to counseling (I hear it works wonders, and I hope it will help me deal with the depression). Third, I am deepening my intimacy with God. While the root of the problem is physiological, we are spiritual beings and I truly believe that God has an active power and that He can strengthen me and even transform me through these difficult times.

Thanks to everyone for their prayers: my wonderful family first, and then my wonderful friends (Caleb, Julie, Emily, Jessica, Monica, and Tim to name a few). Your prayers and encouragement mean so much more than you know!

Life has been really hard lately. I have been bathing in an ocean of confusion, chaos, fear, worry, and I have found myself dancing amongst seasons of hopelessness, despair, and futility.

I probably have what is called either Bipolar Disorder or Manic-Depression. This is a type of depression. Depression affects one of five Americans in their lifetime, one in twenty Americans experience depression for long periods of time. Depression is a clinical event when one experiences feelings of sadness, gloominess, or melancholy for extended periods of time. These periods of time can last weeks or even years. My last long bout of depression lasted from age 11 to age 13, and at age 12 I attempted suicide.

Manic-Depression is a type of depression that affects 2 million Americans at any one time (and I am one of them). Those suffering manic-depression go through cycling moods of being overly elated/irritable (mania) and feeling sad/hopeless (depression), with periods of normal moods in-between. It is very disruptive to daily life and distressing in every sense of the word. The frequency and duration of the cycles vary person to person; as it is, I experience it severely. Such depression begins early in adolescence and continues throughout the rest of life, affecting one's work, family, and social life. Oftentimes I have felt guilty for being depressed or bipolar, but I must remember that it is a clinical disorder; it is not a character flaw, and I am not less of a person because of it.

"How does Manic-Depression come about?" First of all, genetics and family history have a big role in deciding whether you will be plagued with it. My mom's side of the family is drenched with this disorder, and at age 20 it begins to reach its peak of harshness (I am 19 years old). Increased stress and inadequate coping mechanisms contribute to the intensity of the cycles. It is a physiological and psychological disorder: it is a clinical problem, having nothing to do with a person's worth or with a person's spiritual status. The cycles can come-and-go on their own or can be triggered by external events. The sufferer experiences moods, thoughts, and feelings for which there is no apparent cause. Life can be going great, but you feel dark, sad, and hopeless. You could feel blue on your wedding day to the love of your life just because you have this disorder; it is traumatizing.

My last year-long bout, as I said, lasted from age 11 to 13. In May of this year, I could tell that I was entering into yet another long cycle (I hope it is not years long!). Seven months into this cycle, things are not getting better. All the stress I've been going through has only escalated the symptoms; one minute I'm feeling like I can handle life, and the next minute I am praying for the strength to just continue through my day-to-day activities. Feelings of darkness, gloom, and hopelessness crowd in around me at every corner. Some moments it seems too hard to go on, but I know that this is a clinical problem that is being treated. It will just take some time--and lots of prayer.

So I ask that everyone, even if you do not know me, would pray for me. Pray that God will comfort me, soothe me, and give me strength to endure this difficult time.

The other day, I heard someone say that Christians who are depressed aren't really Christians at all, because Christians experience joy because the Holy Spirit in them. To that person and to whomever holds that view: "Shut up, you ignorant fools."

I am seeking new medicine (my current medicine isn't working). I am spending lots of time in prayer and meditation. I am seeking help with a counselor. I am doing all I can to take care of this difficult period of time in my life. I'm sorry to anyone whom I've offended because of this disorder, and I'm sorry that I am not the same person I was last semester. I wish I were, but, the truth is, I cannot help it. This has been thrown upon me; I have no choice in the matter.

This is where I want to be right now.

I want to go there and never come back.

I just want to escape all of this confusion, this drama, this chaos.

I just want to lie down in the sand, close my eyes, and feel the ocean lapping at my toes.

I need to escape.

The past several weeks have been some of the most confusing, heartbreaking, and chaotic weeks of my life. In one day and one day alone, literally everything in my life began falling apart.

Relationships have broken. Friendships have been stretched. My emotions have hit every polar opposite possible.

The confusion has torn me, broken me, shattered me. The chaos has wrenched my heart and my very soul. Countless times I have found myself before the throne of God, lying on my face and gushing tears of emotional distress.

"God, where are You?"

"God, when will You come to me?"

And in the darkest moments, "God... I cry out to You day and night. My pillow is stained with tears. My limbs shake in emotional exhaustion. I have sought Your face, but You seem nowhere to be found! Why have You hidden Yourself from me?"

In this time of brokenness, I have felt my faith tested. "Do I believe in God's goodness?" Yes, even if at times it seems questionable. "Do I believe in God's love for me?" Yes, even if at times it seems to be quite the opposite. "Do I believe in God's desire for me to be happy?" Yes, even if at times it seems like He is just out to make my life a living hell.

In these moments, I have felt like the great weeping prophet, Jeremiah.

Even in my distress, God makes His voice heard. In the moments of sheer exhaustion, He comes and comforts me. When I find myself on my knees, tears rising up in my throat, God speaks to me.

He convicts me. He shows me that I have not been living as He desires me to live. I have been living a life of unrepentance. Over and over He has convicted me to repent of two certain aspects of my life, and though I have tried, I have not. "Trying is not enough," God says. "I have a beautiful plan for your life, Anthony, but until you surrender yourself to Me, you will only continue to destroy yourself and completely miss out on what I have for you."

So I bow down, and with tears of pain and shame, I confess to the sins of which I have not repented, and I commit myself to Him again. "I have abandoned You, my God. I confess my sins before You, and I abandon them. I embrace You, God, and the plan You have for my life. I give You my heart, my life, my self, my all... I am Yours. Show me Your ways, so that I may abide in them. Show me Your paths, so that I may walk them."

speechless, stunned, vehement

I woke up this morning very happy. Work went by well. I left the coffee shop with a smile, sat down with two friends, and ten seconds later all hope of a day of joy abandoned me.

"Did you hear the news?" they asked.

"No, what are you talking about?" I asked.

As I sit here at this computer, a whole host of emotions runs through me. I want to scream and cuss and cry all at the same time. I want to find whoever did this and make them suffer the cruelest fate imaginable. I want to rewind time and be there to stop it. I want to tell her not to go out tonight. I hung out with her for two hours before she left; if only I had known, I could've told her to stay on campus. But I had no idea. She was a different person then than she is now.

Two of my friends went out to Newport last night. As they were walking over the purple people bridge, a man with a gun accosted them. He bound the boy up with rope and left him on the street. He took the girl, took the boy's car, and after he sexually assaulted her, he dropped her off on campus and stole the car. The police ran him down and took him into custody.

I want to find whoever did this and kill them. I'm not even going to lie. I want to beat them till they die.

I keep thinking about when Julie and I walked the purple people bridge. What if I had been bound? What if she had been taken? I can't imagine the hell we'd both be going through. I would not be able to live with myself. I don't even want to think about it.

The entire campus is stunned. We want them to bring the perpetrator, throw him in the middle of the quad, and let us all go out on him, tear him limb-from-limb. We're all a big family here; one of our brothers and one of our sisters were abused. Jesus says, "Love your enemies." I really don't feel like obeying that right now. But I guess it doesn't matter how I feel.

My prayer is simply, "God... Have mercy on your children. And bring judgment on the one who did this."

Life has been good. We're almost done with studying the prophet Isaiah in O.T. Prophecy, and my postmodernism paper in Advanced Communications went well. I have to write a paper tonight on the parousia described in 1 Thess 4.13-18; it should be a really good paper, I've learned a lot, and I plan on studying the other major prophecies regarding the parousia (perhaps with exception to Revelation, for it's so hotly debated to as exactly what it is about!). Tomorrow evening I am going to write next week's lesson on the prophet Amos and social injustice, and Friday I work but have no class. It will be great.

On Tuesday my alarm went off an hour late for class, so I missed it. Tim was supposed to call me at 8:00 to make sure I would not be late four our 8:30 class, but he did not. I think this is either my third or fourth missed, but Tim insists that it's my fifth, and we are only allowed to miss four days of class. I'll find out tomorrow if I've been dropped. If I have been, I will ask for re-enlistment and try to talk him into letting me back in. This is one of my favorite classes, and it's needed to take one of my classes next semester, so I don't want to miss that. But if it's dropped... Oh well. I've only missed days for sickness, so I can't say that I was just a lazy procrastinator. Sometimes bad luck just hits us in the face.

Here is my schedule for next semester:

1) Introduction to Paul & the N.T. Letters (Smith, the Aussie)
2) Introduction to the Gospels (Weatherly)
3) Basic Bible Doctrines (Pressley)
4) Modern Ethical Problems (Pressley)
5) The Life of David (Dyke)
* "Prayer and Spirituality" (an early week class I hope to talk my parents into letting me take!)

Julie convinced me to go to chapel today; Dr. Faust spoke on Matthew 6, specifically on not worrying. He said something I really found inspiring: "For those of you who worry about finding a mate, God knows your need, and He will provide for you what you need so long as you seek first Him and His kingdom." Have I been seeking first God's kingdom, or have I been seeking first my own? All too often my selfishness gets in the way; I find myself trying to somehow placate God into giving me what I want. I think we are all guilty of this; it is human nature. God understands this, and He still loves us despite what He sees in our hearts.

Christmas is coming, and I need to start thinking of ideas. Here's what I've kind of came up with (so far), and they're all movies: The Matrix Trilogy, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and The Blade Trilogy (all widescreen edition DVDs, of course!). I would also like Augustine's "The City of God." I am still reading through "The Confessions," and today I read some of the Apocrypha (the Wisdom of Solomon, and the Wisdom of Jesus Son of Sirach). Pretty good stuff, I'm not even going to lie. Am I a heretic for saying that? Perhaps!

This week has been going really well. I really enjoyed yesterday, but today I have to write one paper and do research for another, and I doubt that will be extremely exciting. Oh well.

I've picked up a good book I want to read: "What Now?" It's a book that deals with lots of the circumstances with the adult life and how to deal with them with God's help and guidance. It should be a good one.

I expected at least one comment on my "controversial" last post, but that's okay. Not everyone has an interest in theology like I do. I need to remember that.

My weekend went well. Friday night I watched "The Matrix" and "Batman Begins." On Saturday, a bunch of my friends came over and we relaxed outside and went to the Garage to hang out. Saturday night Hague and Chris spent the night; we watched "28 Days Later" and listened to music online. Hague and I had a really good conversation about heaven, hell, the universe, aliens, and everything in-between. On Sunday I taught the lesson on Jonah, picked up my contacts, hung out with Hague, Chris, and Dewenter at my place, then Julie picked me up and took me back to campus. "I can finally say that I like being your friend more than I liked dating you." This has been quite liberating. I went to O'Charley's with Jessica, and she bought me a big jug of mints to help me quit smoking.

I have spent my day thus far working, going to class, and doing some extra study on Hosea and Joel. I plan on studying a little more on Amos later, perhaps tonight. Jess and I might be going out tonight, but I don't know.

I heard a great quote the other day. "Eve may have been deceived into sin, but Adam sinned with his eyes wide open."

Many of my friends (Kyle, Nate, Andrew, Lizzie, Emily, and some others) were in Florida all last week for the soccer national championship. The boys placed fifth and the girls placed fourth. Nevertheless, it was well worth it, as this astounding photograph (taken by Heather) shows:

"What is the Baptism of Fire?"

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine when he said, “We need to pray that God will baptize us in fire.” I found it very interesting, because I hold a different view of what “the baptism of fire” really is. I did some studying and found that there are three popular views regarding what the “baptism of fire” really is.

The idea of a “baptism of fire” primarily comes out of a text in the New Testament, where John the Dipper says of Jesus, “He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire.” (Luke 3.16)

The first view states that Christians will automatically be “baptized with fire” at the same time that they are baptized with the Holy Spirit. Essentially, being baptized with the Holy Spirit and with fire is essentially one act. This view states that the “tongues of fire” coming upon the Apostles at Pentecost is symbolic of the baptism of fire and the baptism of the Holy Spirit happen at the same time. They are inseparable.

The second view states that the “baptism of fire” is significantly different from the “baptism of the Holy Spirit” which all Christians experience. This “baptism of fire” is not experienced by every Christian. “What is the purpose of this baptism of fire?” Simply to “set us on fire” for God. I believe this is the view my friend holds, and his praying for a “baptism of fire” makes sense in this interpretation.

The third view (and the one I hold) is that the “baptism of fire” is a baptism that those who are not God’s people will go through. God’s people experience the baptism of the Holy Spirit, but those without God will, in the future, experience a “baptism of fire.” It is the judgment of God upon those who are not His people through Christ. It is definitely not something we want to pray for! Why do I think this is what John the Dipper is talking about? Let me give you a few reasons why I think this is the most appropriate interpretation:

First, this interpretation is supported by the context. In the context of this verse, we see one group of people who have confessed their sins and a group of people who have not (whom John calls, in a very derogative way, “Brood of vipers!”, one of the greatest insults of the day). Therefore, there were two kinds of people to whom John was speaking. This passage has tons of parallelism. We have the righteous people and the unrighteous, and we have a baptism of the Holy Spirit and a baptism of fire. This parallelism seems to support the view that the “baptism of fire” refers to God’s judgment on the unrighteous (remember, we are only righteous “in Christ”; our own righteousness is like filthy rags).

Second, we need to look at the meaning of the word “fire” in the context. John points out that every “tree” (person) which does not produce the fruit of repentance will be “thrown into the fire.” This fire of judgment is followed by a “baptism of fire,” which is followed by the “unquenchable fire of judgment.” With the expert use of parallelism in this passage, it makes sense that the meaning of “fire” in the first and third usages are no different than the second usage (“baptism of fire”). In verse 12, John specifically gave an explanation of the word “fire”: it is the fire of judgment.

an email from Obadiah

For a while I was a chief officer under King Ahab. I even met Elijah once, but I was rather unsympathetic towards him! A little while later, God grabbed me and really changed me. He sent me from my home in Israel down into Judah, specifically to the people of Edom.

You know the people of Edom, don't you? The Edomites are a very rugged, very individualistic, very prideful people. They live in the rocks and use them for their refuge. They live harsh lives, and they call themselves the gods of the land. They are totally ignorant of God and His ways--just as I used to be! No one really cares for them very much, so I was a little scared when God told me to go to them! But go to them I did, and I delivered God's message to them.

Sometime before my ministry, Edom rebelled against Judah (some of God's people), and at the same time Arabia and Philistia decided to lay waste to much of the land. The Edomites gloated in the ravaging of Judah, which really made God angry. It made God angry because the Edomites are descendents of Esau, the brother of Jacob, from whom the Judeans are descended. God is very upset when brothers do not treat brothers accordingly. I told the Edomites that God was upset and that God was going to judge them, and judge them harshly. I told them, "Because of how you treated Judah--and because of your arrogant pride--God is going to lay waste to your strongholds and even to your peoples! You can run, and you can try to hide, but God will chase you... and He will find you."

His judgment of them took place in three stages. First, the Arabic Nabataeans came in and invaded their fortresses, scattering the Edomites. Second, the Jews moved into the land and circumcised the Edomites (King Herod, remember, was half-Jew and half-Edomite because of this!). Third, the Romans completely wiped them out A.D. 73. The bottom line: don't screw with God, He'll screw you up.

Despite the message I preached and the hostility I encountered, I really enjoyed the scenery of Edom. Check out this picture I took of Sela (modern-day Petra):

on smoking

About a year and a half ago, I had my first cigar. “I’ll only have one every once and a while,” I told myself. That did not last very long. I found that I really enjoyed smoking, and when times of depression hit hard, the cigar relaxed and calmed me like nothing else in the world. It began taking over my life. Whenever I had something to celebrate, I would not celebrate God in worship; rather, I would light one up. Whenever life treated me harsh, I did not go to God in prayer; rather, I would drown my sadness in tobacco. The question, “Is this a sin or not?” always hovered at the back of my mind. Even now I really do not have an answer to that question, but I’ve decided to “drop the habit” once-and-for-all for several reasons.

The first reason is a biblical one. When my friend Alex took me out to buy a pack of cigars one night, he quoted to me 1 Cor 6. 12: “Everything is allowable for me, but not all things are good for me to do. Everything is lawful for me, but I will not become the slave of anything or be brought under its power.” He warned me, “Just don’t become addicted, man.” Yet I was already addicted. God clearly does not want us to be enslaved to anything, and nicotine may be the most addictive substance on the planet (maybe even more addictive than heroin). When we become addicted to something, especially something harmful and dangerous, I believe that we should cut ourselves off from it. Smoking has become addictive to me. Perhaps if I used it in moderation this would be a moot point, but that just is not the case.

The second reason has to do with the convictions upon my life. Over the summer, God intensely convicted me to abandon smoking: “It’s just going to ruin your life! This isn’t My desire for you!” I tried but failed, and when a bout of depression hit, smoking became my avenue of escape. I continued smoking, and then when I got into a relationship with Julie, God (again) (through her), convicted me to stop smoking. I did, but when Julie broke up with me, those convictions were forgotten. Quite recently, through some scripture we read in my Hermeneutics class, God has again brought His convictions to the front door: “You need to stop this!”

The third reason is tied into the second. Because I have been rebelliously ignoring God, He has disciplined me. He is our Good Shepherd: His rod and staff are upon us. His staff guides us, and His rod disciplines us. When God’s people continue to rebel against Him when He continuously demands their repentance in certain spheres of life, He brings judgment (or “discipline”, as the author of Hebrews views it) upon them to get their attention (“Hey, this is serious business!”) and to propel them towards repentance. On the day I wrecked my Jeep, I left campus for the sole intent of smoking (ironically, the great damage done to the car left me unscathed). Many of my friends kept telling me, “If you hadn’t been smoking, this wouldn’t have happened!” Was this an act of discipline from God, a way of getting my attention? I’m not sure. I do know the idea is not unbiblical at all.

The fourth reason is that I do not want to ruin God’s plans for my life. I believe God wants me to advance His kingdom here on this earth, and if I am lying in a hospital bed dying of lung cancer, how well am I doing with the mission which He has entrusted me with? Also, I believe it is God’s plan for my life for me to be a good husband and a good father. How will I be a good husband if I leave my wife prematurely, or a good father if I die early, because of my smoking addiction? How will I be a good husband and a good father if my addiction pollutes my family’s lungs with poisons?

So that’s why I have decided, finally (to the relief of many friends and family members), to abandon smoking. It is a personal decision, and I do not expect any of my smoking friends to adhere to it, though I know they will respect me. My hope and prayer is that God will help me through this time of coming suffering (for getting over a nicotine addiction is nothing easy), and I hope and pray that my friends and family will encourage me and pray for me as I seek to conform to God’s will.

Good night.

I have class in five minutes, so I will try to make this short.

One of my friends confessed, "I have feelings for you." I played with the idea of dating her, but decided it would not be a good idea because, simply, I do not have feelings for her. She is a wonderful, fantastic, God-fearing girl, but the marrow of the bone is that I am not attracted to her in a romantic sense.I had the unfortunate experience of telling her, "I don't have romantic feelings for you. I am sorry." We are still friends, and for that I am thankful. Now I know, I guess, how it feels to be where Julie was two-three weeks ago!

Studying the prophet Isaiah is hard. His work is so complex! All the issues surrounding the text don't make things easier ("Who wrote it?" "When was it written?" "Were parts of it copied from 2 Kings or vice versa?"). However, I really do enjoy studying it despite its difficulties. I am excited about (and dreading) the study of the prophet Ezekiel. I read it once and nearly died from confusion. We'll see how it goes the second time around.

One of my professors said today, "Jesus was a liberal." Lots of students got really offended. It was beautiful.

And I am late for class.