a conversation

Not being able to sleep last night, I got online. One of my friends--Katy--asked what I was doing still up. I told her that I could not sleep because I felt like I was drowning. "I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean, trying to find some land, but I swim and swim and swim, but no matter how hard I swim, no land appears and it feels like I'm just staying in one place." "It feels like you're drowning?" she asked. "Exactly," I said. And so our conversation began...

Katy: "Are you, may I ask, a control freak somewhat?"

Me: "Sometimes, I guess. Is that bad?"

Katy: "Well, I am, too, and the times that I feel like I'm drowning the most is when I am gripping the wheel of my life so tight that I won't let God lift me out of the quicksand I got myself into."

Me: "That sounds very akin to what's going on with me. I had this plan for my life, and it was torn down, and now I feel like I'm drowning, like there's no hope. I'll never get the right job, the right girl, won't ever be so lucky to get married and have kids and build a family and start a church. But I'm only 19, you know, but I still feel like my life is slipping through my fingers like sieve."

Katy: "I understand. I'm going through the husband thing right now, especially since my best friend who is younger than me just got married."

Me: "One of my best friends got married over the summer, so I understand what you're saying."

Katy: "I feel like God kind of laughs when we tell Him the plans we have for our lives."

Me: "And then we wonder if He even cares."

Katy: "Because, honestly, you would not want to be married right now anyways. You couldn't support her."

Me: "Yeah... I mean, I don't want marriage right now, but I'd like to meet 'the one' and begin that long process leading up to marriage. I thought I found her but I was wrong, and that killed me. And I guess I'm just lying bleeding on the ground."

Katy: "Well... Maybe she is Mrs Right, but she isn't Mrs Right right now."

Me: "No, I know she isn't 'Mrs Right.' I know that for sure."

Katy: "Okay, well, you have to understand that your vision and perception is kind of like a horse with those blinders on. You can't see everything that's happening, but God can. So, proverbially speaking, God is the jockey of your life."

Me: *sigh* "I just wish I had some clarity."

Katy: "Have you prayed for clarity?"

Me: "Yeah, and I'm still praying. But nothing happens. So I keep praying. But still no clarity."

Katy: "Then maybe God is trying to tell you, 'even though you can''t see clearly, and you feel like you are walking blind, you still need to trust Me.'"

Me: "Yeah, trusting is a big issue for me, since I'm such a control freak. Hence why He may not be granting my request for clarity. Because He wants to strengthen my trust in Him."

Katy: "Perhaps this is His way of teaching you to put your hands in His and let Him lead you? Perhaps."

Me: "I'm afraid of where He'll take me. I'm afraid that if I give Him the reigns, I'll be miserable. So I keep trying to plan my own life out. And I feel crappy for it, though I know almost everyone does the same thing... me just more-so than others, perhaps."

Katy: "Come on, Anthony. You know that if you trust Him to lead you, that you won't be miserable. I mean, I am sure you will be at some points, but if you put your full trust in God, I think you know that He will lead you to do things and go places you never though possible with your life."

Me: "Yeah, you're right. I do 'know' it... It's just that 'believing' it is something entirely different."

Katy: "It is. It's so hard. And I dole out all this seemingly wise advice, but I am probably worse off than you are in this department. My worst fear is being alone. Never getting married."

Me: "That's mine, too. Bingo. And we're not alone. There are so many like us who are unwilling to admit it. I have two simple dreams for my life: to preach/teach and to build a family with my wife. I hope God honors those dreams, but sometimes I do not know if He will. And that thought terrifies me."

Katy: "I feel like that a lot. But I honestly do not believe that God would give me this desire to be a wife and a mother, if He did not have the intentions of fulfilling them."