Life has been really hard lately. I have been bathing in an ocean of confusion, chaos, fear, worry, and I have found myself dancing amongst seasons of hopelessness, despair, and futility.

I probably have what is called either Bipolar Disorder or Manic-Depression. This is a type of depression. Depression affects one of five Americans in their lifetime, one in twenty Americans experience depression for long periods of time. Depression is a clinical event when one experiences feelings of sadness, gloominess, or melancholy for extended periods of time. These periods of time can last weeks or even years. My last long bout of depression lasted from age 11 to age 13, and at age 12 I attempted suicide.

Manic-Depression is a type of depression that affects 2 million Americans at any one time (and I am one of them). Those suffering manic-depression go through cycling moods of being overly elated/irritable (mania) and feeling sad/hopeless (depression), with periods of normal moods in-between. It is very disruptive to daily life and distressing in every sense of the word. The frequency and duration of the cycles vary person to person; as it is, I experience it severely. Such depression begins early in adolescence and continues throughout the rest of life, affecting one's work, family, and social life. Oftentimes I have felt guilty for being depressed or bipolar, but I must remember that it is a clinical disorder; it is not a character flaw, and I am not less of a person because of it.

"How does Manic-Depression come about?" First of all, genetics and family history have a big role in deciding whether you will be plagued with it. My mom's side of the family is drenched with this disorder, and at age 20 it begins to reach its peak of harshness (I am 19 years old). Increased stress and inadequate coping mechanisms contribute to the intensity of the cycles. It is a physiological and psychological disorder: it is a clinical problem, having nothing to do with a person's worth or with a person's spiritual status. The cycles can come-and-go on their own or can be triggered by external events. The sufferer experiences moods, thoughts, and feelings for which there is no apparent cause. Life can be going great, but you feel dark, sad, and hopeless. You could feel blue on your wedding day to the love of your life just because you have this disorder; it is traumatizing.

My last year-long bout, as I said, lasted from age 11 to 13. In May of this year, I could tell that I was entering into yet another long cycle (I hope it is not years long!). Seven months into this cycle, things are not getting better. All the stress I've been going through has only escalated the symptoms; one minute I'm feeling like I can handle life, and the next minute I am praying for the strength to just continue through my day-to-day activities. Feelings of darkness, gloom, and hopelessness crowd in around me at every corner. Some moments it seems too hard to go on, but I know that this is a clinical problem that is being treated. It will just take some time--and lots of prayer.

So I ask that everyone, even if you do not know me, would pray for me. Pray that God will comfort me, soothe me, and give me strength to endure this difficult time.

The other day, I heard someone say that Christians who are depressed aren't really Christians at all, because Christians experience joy because the Holy Spirit in them. To that person and to whomever holds that view: "Shut up, you ignorant fools."

I am seeking new medicine (my current medicine isn't working). I am spending lots of time in prayer and meditation. I am seeking help with a counselor. I am doing all I can to take care of this difficult period of time in my life. I'm sorry to anyone whom I've offended because of this disorder, and I'm sorry that I am not the same person I was last semester. I wish I were, but, the truth is, I cannot help it. This has been thrown upon me; I have no choice in the matter.