the 17th week

Geology doodles

Monday. I went to the bank in Delhi after all my classes, and I had dinner at The Anchor before going to Kroger with Jessie. I spent the rest of the evening boxing up my room. It’s now good to go for the move. I feel bad for telling Mandy a half-truth. I used to like her, sure. And I still do. When we sit in Romans, I try not to stare at her beauty. Every facial expression is gorgeous. But I’m trying to kill my feelings for her, because I know that if I don’t, it’ll just hurt worse when she leaves in less than three weeks. Honestly she’s far better in every conceivable way compared to Sonja, or Julie, or Jess Lynn, or Courtney, or Karen—ALL my past girlfriends. A hefty chunk about the rest in beauty, personality, and devotion to God. Sometimes—in my weaker moments—I wonder what it’d be like if she liked me as I like her, if our hopes and dreams and ambitions matched hand-in-glove. I imagine us getting married and settling down and having babies, building a family; and I ask myself, “How can you miss having what you’ve never had?”

Tuesday. Ams has been deathly ill, but it’s getting better. She feared it was swine flu, a worldwide epidemic that’s killed over 200 people since this past weekend. I had class until 9:45, went to Mount Echo, and then I hung out in the café finishing my Romans manuscript. I went to The Anchor, and then Mandy and I went to Graeter’s and sat out on the deck and ate ice cream. We even arm-wrestled! The subject of my possibly liking her came up again. She asked me if I would tell her if I liked her. “I don’t know,” I told her. She suspects, correctly, that I DO like her. I want to be brutally honest with her, but I’m terrified. It won’t end well. But she still deserves to know. And I won’t lie: it felt really good holding her hand as we arm-wrestled. Curse words! Her beauty is fatally gorgeous.

Wednesday. At 5:30 Mandy and I went to The View and sat down on the bench. We talked and I told her I like her. She was quiet for a moment, and then she said she’s thankful that I told her, but she doesn’t see any future for us since she’s going to Chicago in a few weeks and I’m staying here in Cincinnati. She didn’t say she didn’t like me, but there was no reason to press for that info. I’m glad we’re still friends.

Thursday. I had Romans class with Mandy, and I got us coffee beforehand. I went to The Anchor for coffee after all my classes and spent the evening hanging out with people in the café.

Friday. It rained all day, and it was spent moving into 2944 Lehman Avenue. Bethany, Kevin, Zach, and Jessie helped us move in. Bethany took care of my closet. She’s good at anything involving clothes. Jessie organized the kitchen. We all hung out at the house until about midnight.

Saturday. The rains are gone. I made coffee, enjoyed a cigarette, and unpacked my room. It looks good. I picked up McDonald’s for lunch, and then our landlord Justin D. came by and we installed blinds on the windows. Bethany, Kevin and Zach came over, and I went to Kroger and got some necessities: beer and liquor. Bethany and Kevin made cookies. Zach made one in the shape of a penis. Jessie treated me to dinner in the cafeteria, and we retired at the Lehman House, sitting on the back porch and talking. She and Justin V. are just “good friends” and she’s sad about it. Mikaela came over, and Sarah called: she left Keith. She arrived at the house sad, and we drank beers and talked, and she got happier. We moved her garbage bags filled with clothes into her basement bedroom. Everyone was over until about 1 AM, and Sarah slept on the sofa because she doesn’t wanna be alone down there just yet.

Sunday. I slept till about 10:30. Ams made macaronia for lunch. We cleaned up from last night. Sarah worked until 2:00. Kyle told me his church wants me to preach for them for the next two weeks, $200 each Sunday. Ams went to the library and came back with Kevin, and then Zach, Bethany, and Jessie came over. Sarah returned with pizza after a visit and nap with Keith. Jobst came over, and we grilled steaks on the back deck.