Halloween!

Halloween is Sarah's favorite holiday, and she's getting pretty excited about tonight. We've gone to various stores three times this week hooking her up with the costume essentials (she's going as a cat). We have bags of candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters, though we opted out of carving another pumpkin (the fiasco with the last pumpkin has frightened us away). I'm going as... something. Not sure yet. I bought a face-painting kit, and Sarah's going to help me figure out what to do. I wanted to go as a Viking: buy a helmet, a tunic, and I already have a viking sword (a necessary item when living in this part of Cincinnati), but the helmet and tunic would have cost too much. Tonight we are going to a Halloween party with some friends.

I've begun looking for jobs following my graduation in December. I'm going to be looking for secular jobs in the realm of social work, and I'm also going to be looking for ministerial jobs with churches around the Cincinnati area. I have tons of experience for ministry, but jobs are hard to find nonetheless. I'm praying that God will enable me to get a job. I've also applied for Seminary at C.C.U., but I may have missed the deadline (silly me).

The video posted below is one Sarah and I made while at Ault Park. I used a movie maker to add the music, which is from "Batman: The Dark Knight." There's a whole story-line behind it, born in 2006, but I don't have the time nor the desire to carve out an explanation. Just enjoy the movie (and, yes, that is me running up the steps on all fours).

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Sarah and I posing at the Halloween Party

Monday. I worked till 1:00 with Nate & Rob. The credit card machine broke down, so we did everything the old fashioned way. I ran into Dyke outside the café, and he grabbed my arm, pulled me into a hug, said, “You’re my buddy.” Sarah and I went for a walk at Eden Park, sat at the Overlook and talked. We saw a squirrel with broken legs. Sarah almost cried. She got staples stuck in her shoe, and they carved bloody holes into the bottom of her feet. “Stigmata!” We went to Kroger, saw Rob & Mandy there. Sarah ran up and grabbed her butt; Mandy swung around, ready to throw down. She said, “You guys look adorable! And I can see in your faces that you’re losing weight.” We stopped by the Fuel Center and visited Jobst before enjoying rice for dinner back home. I went to the Hilltop to hang out with Jessie and Mandy. I told Mandy, “I must face reality: as much as I may want to be Sarah’s boyfriend, as much as I want to give her all she wants and deserves, she will not have it. And those are the cold-hearted facts, the grim face of truth. I’ll either have to crucify all desire for her or be tormented day-in and day-out until we move out come May. I’m a FOOL for even entertaining the idea that Sarah could love me. No, she could; but she won’t.”

Tuesday. Sarah called me from work around 11:00, in tears, having an awful day. Sarah came home, feeling a bit better, and we fixed tilapia fillets on the grill. I ran to the Pit Stop for smokes, and then Sarah and I did three workout videos. It was awful but felt great at the same time. She took a shower and sat on the sofa in nothing but a towel and then went downstairs to do her pedicure. She returned upstairs after a while and talked. I told her that I’m a confident person, when I’m not sad, but when I’m depressed, I feel worthless and inadequate and ugly. I don’t want to be this way, and it sucks because there’s literally nothing I can do about it. I can’t explain what it’s like, to have to fight off tears for no reason, to want to injure yourself, to dream about dying, and that dream being your only hope and goal. But it’s NOT who I really am. Before all this I was popular and people loved being around me, and I was passionate and people marveled at me. And this is what I’ve become: a shell of the person I once was. The depression, it takes so much out of me. I find myself sliding deeper and deeper into hopelessness, ‘cause I’ll have to deal with this the rest of my life. And what if a day comes when it’s too difficult to bear, and I take my own life?

Wednesday. Someone broke into Amanda’s car last night, stole her IPOD and stereo. She was hysterical, sobbing and pissed. Dad just laughed about it. She went to Dayton to get it fixed. I worked 9:30-1:00 and then went up to Dayton to get community service forms filled out for school. Back home, Sarah and I went to Ault Park, walked around, took pictures, filmed a koalabeast video. We went to Walgreens and she got makeup and such for Halloween. We perused the lubes. We died her hair jet-black. Very sexy. I tried on a condom for the first time. “Do I have to get hard?” Yeah, you do. It was hard with her standing at the closed door, but I got it. She tried to look but I didn’t let her. We spent the night in her room scratching each others’ backs. She hiked her shirt off this time, kept her bra on. She has beautiful skin. God, I sound like a serial killer. We wrote on each other’s backs, a guessing game. I wrote Shaft me! On hers. Hilarious (her dildo’s named Shaft).

Thursday. At Ault Park yesterday, Sarah said, “This would be a great place for a wedding!” I imagined us getting married there, wanted it so badly. If I were a tall, chiseled, dark-skinned man, we’d be together. But, no, this awkward, plump body of mine is my curse. And dreaming every night about cuddling naked with her certainly doesn’t help. Both Ams and Sarah were gone all day, and when Sarah was returning home, I set up Shaft on the coffee table, surrounded it with candles, turned it on and played porn music. When she walked into the door, she nearly fell apart.

Friday. I went to the Hilltop to do some homework, and Rob made me a latte. Jessie and I went to The Anchor, talking about life and all its trimmings. I had tuna and cole slaw. I dropped her off, went to Walgreens for face paint to wear tomorrow. It’s so windy that the windows are rattling. Dylan came over around five, and we ran some errands and I got some new weights for exercising. When Sarah got home, she, Dylan and I filmed a seven minute koalabeast video which I looped to zombie music. She went to Catherine’s as Amanda returned from work. Dylan and I went over to Nate’s, saw Blake and Amos. Back at the house, we started watching a scary movie, but we didn’t get into it, and we went into my room and lied down and talked for an hour. I lamented to Ams that Sarah has no interest in me. “She just isn’t drawn to you, Anth. I’m sorry.”

Saturday. Dylan and I did Frisch’s buffet for breakfast, and then he headed home. I went to Tri-Health, finished my resume, applied for seminary, and applied for several jobs. It sucks that a good majority of churches want a MARRIED minister. It’s what I want more than anything, and I hurt without it, and guess what? It seems no one wants a single guy doing ministry, so until I get married, my degree’s a waste. I should’ve thought more critically about college; too bad I just assumed that things would work out. I should know better by now. Later in the evening Sarah and I got ready for the Halloween party. She went as a cat lady and I went as a zombie. We headed over to Hartman’s apartment around 10:00 and had a wonderful time with so many great people. We played Ninja, a drinking game (King’s), took lots of pictures. Sarah took shots, climbed onto the fridge, puked everywhere. She wasn’t drunk, the shot just went down bad. She broke out her Djarum cloves (which are now illegal to buy, thanks to the FDA). When we got home, I showered and washed off my makeup. We sat down on the sofa and she was really horny. She started flirting with me. I flirted back. She kept looking at my eyes and lips, said, “I really want a hard one,” she said. My heart started racing. I felt lightheaded. We continued flirting. I was excited, wanting to hold her so badly, to kiss her so passionately, to give her what she wanted. She was drunk, I knew she’d take it. But I didn’t make a move. My damn morality. I went to bed and so did she.

Sunday. I had chicken and rice for lunch. Sarah had a massive hangover. I did a 40-minute workout. Sarah spent the day curled up in bed. She asked me to come down, so I did, and we watched Gilmore Girls and I passed out on her sofa. I worked 5:45-9:00. Bullard asked, “Have you lost weight?” Sure have! Sarah went to bed early, she’s working full time at Millennium now, an 8-5:00 gig. I have two phone interviews with churches, one in Fairborn and another in Kentucky. I’d have to move out. Start a new life. Leave my friends and be alone. Have no one amidst the depression. But I’m now in a rut, going nowhere; borderline in love with a girl who won’t be with me; and I basically have no future here save for comfort amidst sorrow and a fantasized relationship with a girl who sees me as the bestest friend she’s ever had and nothing more. What’s the point in staying in Cincinnati with these empty dreams and depression? But would going somewhere else absent close friends be any better for the depression? Either way, I’m fucked. The solution is simple, but despite my prayers for mercy, it goes unrealized.

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Amanda Hoos everyone!

Monday. I always have to poop at 10:40 on the dot. Nate and Rob have made it a running joke. Kevin and Mykaela came over after classes, and we watched a movie about polar bears. Mykaela left, Kevin hung around for a bit. I went to the Hilltop to hang out, but no one was there. When Sarah got home we watched the new “Transformers” movie online. We sat side-by-side, arms and legs touching, and I liked it, but she asked me to scoot over, so…

Tuesday. I dream about Sarah nearly every night. It doesn’t help the whole “crucify my feelings for her” plan. After class I went to Millennium to meet up with Sarah, and we got into her car and drove to Wilmington. We were supposed to go to Columbus to pick up Rachel at the airport, but the flight was cancelled so we hung out at the house and chilled with her family. KFC for dinner. I overheard Sarah telling her aunt how good a husband I’ll be. Sarah and Tina were talking about weight loss, and her Uncle Jeff joined in, and we decided to have a weight loss contest over the next nine months. I’m teamed up with Sarah, and Jeff and Tina are paired together. If we win, they’re going to take us and the kids to the Festival of Lights at the Cincinnati zoo. I loaded Sarah’s luggage into her car for her. “You’re so sweet!” she said. And then when we left, she ran over a cat. It lie twitching and bleeding in the driveway. She wept. We got back Lehman an hour later, then remembered my car was back at her work, so we had to drive back and pick it up. I like Sarah very much, and I fear it’s all for naught. At her family’s house, I pretended she loved me. I pretended she was my wife and that we were away on holiday. It was a pleasant fiction.

Wednesday. At work I made a joke that made Amanda R. buckle over in laughter. Ams and I ate lunch at O’Charley’s and then went to the Kenwood Mall. She got jeans and I got a latte. When Sarah got home we went grocery shopping at the Kroghetto. I held the basket and carried her bags, and we ran into Dan Dyke in the mac & cheese aisle. Back home we fixed dinner and watched “Paranormal Activity.” We went on a run to Summit View and back. It felt great. We sat on the porch and she complained about being “fat,” and she took my hand, said, “Feel under my bra.” It was weird, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. She slept on the sofa, too scared because of the movie to sleep downstairs.

Thursday. After class I went by Tri-Health to see Sarah and eat dinner (a Greek pizza with Greek pasta), and then I ran some medicine to Jessie, who’s deathly sick. Sarah returned from work and we watched “The Office” and “30 Rock.” We ran on campus and came across Rob & Mandy, stopped and chatted with them. “You two are so cute!” Mandy exclaimed. We showered when we got back and drank red wine and sat and talked, and I think twice she looked at my lips. I would do ANYTHING to be with Sarah; I like her SO FREAKING MUCH. I can’t put into words how much I adore and value her. She’s a sunrise and a sunset, a heavy rain after a drought; her eyes are pools of diamonds, her voice a sonnet of beauty, her laugh intoxicating, and that smile and twinkle of her eyes sends a sword through my heart. All of our time together, exciting or droll, is cherished. I dream of holding her hand, hugging her close, going on long walks and talking late into the night. I dream of kissing in the rain and spooning under quilts. She’s all that I want now and even forever.

Friday. Sarah and I had oatmeal for breakfast, and she went to work at Millennium and I went to work at the Hilltop. My car battery died so Ams gave me a jump. I ran to Kroger after work for some groceries, ran into Jobst working the fuel center. Mandy came over to do laundry. Sarah came home and made dinner and we drank red wine. Sarah’s friend Christy came over and they went to the USS Nightmare on the river at Newport. Before they left, Sarah was commenting on how she can’t meet guys, and then she said it’d be gross to ever have sex with me. Or at least implied it, joking about how I masturbate while thinking about her before bed. Really, I wanted to go to the haunted boat with them, Christy invited me repeatedly, but Mandy was still doing laundry. Once Sarah and Christy DID leave, Mandy asked if Sarah has noticed how overwhelmingly sweet and sacrificial I’ve been. “Yes, but I don’t think she’s made the connection. She sees that I’m doing everything she wants a guy to do for her, but she’s not realizing WHY I’m doing it: because I genuinely care for her and want to be with her.” Rob joined the two of us at the house. Quote of the day: “I’m gonna go in there, unzip my pants, fling my dick around and see if I get any bites.” I want going to go down to Newport and walk around after Rob & Mandy left, but Mandy called, saying she’d left her computer charger at the house. So I grabbed the charger and went over to their apartment, and Gambill was there. Sarah & Christy returned, and once Christy left Sarah and I sat in the living room and talked for a while. I told her, “Even though I was with Karen, when you started dating Keith, it really hurt me, because you said ‘No’ to me and ‘Yes.’ To him.” I wondered aloud, “What did Keith have that I didn’t?” She didn’t have an answer. We concluded the night with her scratching my back. I’m like a dog.

Saturday. Sarah went to Wilmington. Yesterday Rachel ran a red light and hit a school bus. And on top of that, she’s miserable at her school and wants to move to Cincinnati to be around us. I headed down to Lexington, stopping at The Anchor for toast, eggs, and orange juice. I ran by Jesse & Jared’s, visited Boozur, bought two winter jackets from Goldman’s, and spent the evening with Aunt Teri, Grandma, Uncle Bill, and of course Tanner. We ate at Captain D.’s and got ice cream. Sarah called me from work and once on her way to Wilmington just to tell me little stories about her day.

Sunday. I slept until 7:30, had Irish coffee upon awaking. I headed back to Cincinnati and spent the afternoon writing papers. I took a nap, but Sa-Rah kept calling and waking me up. I went on a run and ran into Dan Dyke. “You dating any chicks?” he asked. “No, not currently,” I said. “Do you still like the fat ones?” “Yeah,” I laughed. Sarah is nowhere NEAR fat though. Sa-Rah and I went to Walgreens. Sarah was getting back from Wilmington when I was parking back home. As I walked up to help her with her stuff, she remarked, “Wow, you’re looking skinnier already!” I got depressed, really depressed, and I got depressed because of my depression. Why go on when this misery will not end? How can I be a good husband in such misery? How can I be a good father in such misery? What girl, fully knowing the gory details of my depression, would be with me, love me, marry me? Why hope when there is none?

and sarah ran over a cat

It’s been a crazy week, and I’m definitely looking forward to the weekend. I’ve been swamped with school-work, and the last bit—an essay on the Greek text of 1 Corinthians 7—will be done tomorrow by 5:00. Tomorrow evening my friend Dylan is hopefully coming over, and we may go see Gerard Butler’s new movie, “Law Abiding Citizen.” On Saturday I am going down to the Kentucky and visiting my aunt, uncle, and grandma. They always have good food and good movies, and it will be good to get out of Cincinnati for a spell.

On Tuesday, Sarah and I went up to her aunt and uncle’s place in Wilmington once again. We were going to drive her cousin’s car home from the airport, but turns out we didn’t need to, and thus we made the hour and fifteen minute drive for nothing. However, we did get a free dinner and got to hang out with Sarah’s family. She has several cousins, three boys and two girls. I forget their names. As we were leaving, Sarah ran over a cat, which was sad. It was lying in the road twitching and it’s skull was crushed by the wheel. Ugh. People have had various reactions regarding the story, from compassion and sympathy to excitement and glee (apparently, a lot of people don’t like cats).

H1N1 is a pussy

The last few days have been rough for me. I seem to find myself in this predicament often, liking a girl whom I cannot have. Wanting to give the girl everything she’s always wanted but being barricaded by circumstance from stepping out and actually speaking up. “You’re torturing yourself,” Gambill told me. He’s right. But it’s just not about the girl. Really, it’s not a big deal. I’ve started my medicine again, and just in the nick of time. If I thought Thursday night was rough, Friday night even topped that. I went to a dinner party and had to leave early, because I almost broke down into tears while lying on the couch. I left the dinner party and went home, and my best friend Jessie came over, and she made me feel better. My friend Jobst came by, too. Saturday was a better day: I went down to the horse track in Lexington to celebrate my cousins’ engagements. Both Jesse and Jared are engaged to two girls, Mandy and Ashley. It was cold, my toes were numb, but they had delicious steaming chili, and my uncle made Irish coffee with homemade whipped cream and cinnamon, and that helped. Sunday was a bad day, but only towards the end. I went up to Wilmington with Sarah and Amanda; Sarah’s aunt and uncle live up there, have a giant house, it’s like a mansion. Depression overcame me once night fell, and on the car ride home I was quiet and praying and fighting off tears. These cycles suck. But yesterday was better, and I’m hoping today will be better, too.

Amanda is sick. I hope it’s not H1N1. If it is, then Sarah and I will get it soon. I know tons of people who have come down with it, entire families getting sick. I don’t know anyone who’s died of it. Everyone’s making it out to be the next bubonic plague or Spanish flu, but seriously, come on. In the long scheme of things, H1N1 is a pussy. It would just suck to have it because 1. I would be sick, and 2. I’d miss school and work. I’m graduating in December, so I can’t miss much class.

I have been eating a lot better and exercising daily. I want to lose about fifty pounds. That would put me around one hundred forty pounds (190 right now, give or take). At the rate I’m going, by May I should have reached beyond that goal. We’ll see.

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Sarah strolling down to the stables

Monday. After classes I hung out with Sarah for a bit, and then I went over to Rob & Mandy’s apartment for dinner with them and Dominic. Sarah and I went to Blockbuster and then to Chris & Tiz’s for wine. We sat on the porch and talked about relationships, what we want and don’t want. She wants what I want to give her; I’m just not sexy enough for her.

Tuesday. Before Ams went to work, we sat on the front porch and smoked. She said, “Anth, you’re not as fat as you think you are. You just think you are because you’ve conditioned yourself to think that way.” When Sarah got home we went to the Hilltop and got dinner, then watched an insect documentary. Tiz came over and I was ignored, so I went on a drive into Kentucky, to Big Bone Lick and to the haunted graveyard and beyond the airport, listening to zombie music on the country roads and lost in thoughts about my life and the emptiness, the hopelessness, the bleak and unchanging future, how life is a cyclical and unbroken misery. Tears crawled down my cheeks and I wanted nothing more than to lie in the tub and turn on the water and slit my wrists with a razor.

Wednesday. I’ve started taking my meds again, and the effects are hitting me: aching muscles and exhaustion. I worked 9:30-1:00, class till 3:00, nap till five. Sarah and I watched a movie. I laid on the couch and she sat beside me, and my legs touched her ass. It was freezing, so we cranked up the heat and broke out the space heaters. I ate dinner in the Hilltop with Mykaela, Jessie, and Bullard. Jordan’s pursuing a freshman named Joy. I chatted with Brittany for a while and went to bed.

Thursday. My body still aches. At least the house isn’t an ice box anymore. Gambill and I met up in the Hilltop after classes to work on Greek. Mandy H. came over. She saw me and Sarah interacting, exclaimed, “Just marry her already! You two get along so well” I wish. I told Mandy that I have feelings for Sarah. She was surprised, said, “Go for it! You two would be great together! How are you going to win her heart?” I told her I was going to lose weight. “That’s not what you need to do. Just treat her right, serve her, and be there for her and just be yourself. You’re great.” That was uplifting. It’s a painful thing to be absolutely crazy about a girl but unable to say anything because you know you don’t cut the bill. Sure, you’ll give her the world and all that you have, but she’ll have none of it because, in the end, you just don’t live up to what she wants in a man. And it hurts to know you could be happy, that you could make her happy, but you can’t because you’re simply not tall enough, muscular enough, tan enough. It hurts to see her used and abused, crying out for more but unwilling to receive it. And it hurts when she runs after dead-end boys and complains about her dire predicament but refuses to take what you have to offer. I may not have brokered my feelings quite yet, but I know her response. It’ll be what it was last time. She prefers guys like Keith to guys like me, and that’s just fact.

Friday. I told Ams about my attraction to Sarah. “Disaster!” she exclaimed; “It would be nice if you two ended up married. She’d be an awesome sister-in-law.” Sarah came home and changed into nice clothes. She looked absolutely radiant. We went to dinner at Chris & Tiz’s. While lying on the sofa feelings of sadness overwhelmed me, and I nearly wept, feeling so hopeless and helpless, a man of broken dreams and empty promises, a failure at everything that truly matters. I abandoned them and went home and cried. Jessie came over to comfort me, and we took shots of rum. Jobst came over for a bit, and then I headed back to Chris & Tiz’s, feeling rather refreshed, and settled in for a night watching stand-up comedies.

Saturday. I joined Mom’s side of the family down at the Kentucky Horse Tracks to celebrate Jesse and Jared’s engagements. It was good seeing everybody. Such good food. Uncle Bill made irish cream coffee with homemade whipped cream. Ams and I returned to Cincinnati. Sarah went to her brother’s and Ams went to Chris’. When Sarah got back we drank beer and watched TV and talked. “I crave physical connection,” I told her. “Not sex, really. More like cuddling. Holding hands.” “Me too,” she said; “And I miss sex.”

Sunday. Sarah, Ams and I went to Sarah’s family’s mansion in Wilmington. We petted the horses out in the stable and played with the dogs and cats, and then we rode the golf cart around the fields and through the woods. Dinner was shrimp pasta, rolls, and salad. I felt sad when I got home, and I tried to pray, but faltered. Does God give a damn about me? Does he care about my pain? If I’m God’s child, why do I suffer as I do? Why trust God when he slays me? Sarah could tell something was wrong, it was etched over my face. She asked if I was okay. “Just a bad day,” I told her. Seeing her seductive beauty didn’t help. FUCK.

a poem

Swept across the dunes of time,

Another taste of heaven’s promise,

Racing past too fast to catch,

And though we reach out with all our might,

Heaven spreads its wings and takes flight.

Gaping holes in the heart unsewn,

Answers to questions never asked,

Beckon us forward with each aching step,

Bringing us closer to what is unknown,

Always hoping it is what we desire,

Realizing in time that it never is.

Dawn may break—or for all time be Dusk.

here we go again

I have been wrestling with depression for the last several days. When the depression gets to the point of being unbearable, I drive. I drive around the city, or I drive along the river, or I go across the river and drive the narrow and dark country roads of northern Kentucky. Last night depression swarmed over me, and I took a drive down to Big Bone Lick, then past the haunted graveyard, drove right by the airport, and then through Covington before returning home. These drives give me time to think, time to pray, time to wrestle with what is going on inside me. Sometimes they help. Sometimes they make the situation worse. I have not been taking my medicine, and the reason is that I don’t want to be made chemically balanced. It’s twisted, I know, but here’s my logic: I don’t feel as if I deserve to be happy. I feel that if I go on medicine, and experience some sort of emotional balance in my life, then I will be betraying reality. I don’t have much to be happy about. I have much to be anxious about. My life is plummeting in a downward spiral—or so it seems—and I need to acknowledge that. I thought about this as I drove back to Cincinnati from the Kentucky highlands, and I decided to start taking my medicine again; mayhaps that logic itself is intricately tied to the out-of-control brain chemicals? So I started taking my medicine again, and I’m reaping the consequences: total exhaustion and aching bones and muscles. It should pan out in about a week.

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Joseph-Beth: such an amazing bookstore!

Monday. It’s been three years since I dated Julie M. Wow. I spent the day at work and in class, and when I got home I got internet working on my laptop. I spent 4-6 hours last night trying to get it to work, and all I had to do was press a button. FML. Rob and Mandy came over, and Mandy cooked us a kickass dinner: pasta with chicken. They did laundry and then headed home. Chris & Tiz came over. Sarah told me, “I’ve been so tempted to return to Keith, but I’m hoping a better guy is out there.” Our pumpkin has caved in, is infested with yellow jackets. I tried to burn them out with Bacardi 151, and one stung me. But I killed it. So I won.

Tuesday. I skipped out on classes today and spent the day writing. Ams worked until 9:30. Sarah and I browsed online videos. She’s opened up more about her struggles as a single girl. “I want so much more, I want to love and be loved, but I’m afraid I’ll never experience it.” Poor girl. I can relate.

Wednesday. I worked 9:30-1:00 with Nate and Rob and spent the afternoon working on Greek. Jobst came over for a little bit. Sarah was in a bad mood all night.

Thursday. First day of Fall Break. It rained all day, and I joined Julie B. and some of her friends, and we went to an apple orchard and then to Bethany’s house. Her mom made cookies and we ate apples from the orchard. Julie B. broke down into tears while we were driving, mourning a failed romance with a guy named Paul. She had a diabetic attack in the car and nearly died. Good times. At the house, Sarah was really sad and lonely, so I fixed us dinner and we watched “Nightmare on Elm Street.” A massive storm rolled through, and I fell asleep amidst lightning and rolling thunder and rain hammering on the windowpanes.

Friday. Dylan came over, and we spent the day hanging around the house with Sarah, Jessie, and Ams. Dylan got pretty drunk, and he and Jessie had some really good talks, and Sarah threw in, too.

Saturday. Dylan and I ate lunch at the ghetto McDonald’s, then went to Newport and saw the movie “The Invention of Lying.” We smoked on the balcony overlooking the plaza and watched a man juggling knives. We went to Hyde Park and hit up the Starbucks in Rookwood Commons, then browsed Joseph-Beth. I fantasized about Alaska while reading a book on the Inside Passage. There was a display of Twilight books and knock-offs, and I felt envious of Stephanie Myers. I want to be as famous as her, and I want my books to sell like wildfire. Dylan left, and I cleaned the house and when Sarah got home, we went to Newport and saw the movie “Zombieland.” It was good, but I fancy “realistic” zombie flicks a bit more. We ran by the Marathon on 8^th Street, hit up McDonald’s, and rounded out the night watching TV.

Sunday. Sarah was passed out on the sofa when I woke up. She groaned and said Hi as I went out onto the porch for my morning cigarettes. We read through some of my old journals, from when I liked her the first time, and I fought the urge to confess some things haven’t changed. It was fun to relive those 2007 memories, as awful a time it may have been. Jobst came over, and we smoked pipes on the front porch and went to Joseph-Beth at Rookwood Commons and hit up the Starbucks. I ferried him back to his apartment and hurried off to work 5:45-9:00 with Sarah and Kristen S. Jessie came over for a bit, and I fixed tea and she wrote me a message in my journal:

Anthony Barnhart is my best friend and I love him dearly. Not sure what I’d do without him in my life. He always listens to me and tries to have compassion while trying to cheer me up. Jesus has blessed me with him and I hope we’re friends forever no matter the distance, how busy we are, or how long it’s been since we last talked. Love you so much! – Jessie

an enjoyable weekend

On Friday my friend sixth fifth grade, good ol’ Dylan, came down to Cincinnati to visit me. We spent the evening watching television and sitting on the front porch in the cool autumn breeze chatting. I wanted to take him to a haunted graveyard in northern Kentucky, but he shivered at the idea (maybe from the cold, maybe from the fear, who knows?). So we didn’t go. He spent the night, and on Saturday we grabbed lunch before going to Newport on the Levee and watching “The Invention of Lying.” A very good movie. We walked around Newport for a bit, then hit up the Starbucks at Rookwood Commons and browsed the Joseph-Beth Bookstore across the street. I almost bought a map of Alaska and a book on the Interior Passage (my dream place for living), but decided in wisdom not to do so. He left, and a few minutes later Sarah returned from work, and we went back to Newport and watched “Zombieland,” then talked till late into the night before exhaustion overtook us both and we went to bed. Today Sarah is going to her mom’s house, and I’m joining my friend Jobst and we’re going to go to a bookstore and maybe a coffee shop. I work at 5:45 tonight, with Sarah Gagen, whom I really enjoy as a supervisor. Good times always.

Sarah and I considered seeing “Paranormal Activities,” but I decided I didn’t want to see it: I read a synopsis, and it is about things my mom has experienced throughout her life, and I’ve experienced some things as well, and I don’t want to relive it. Horror movies generally leave me unscathed. I watched “IT” and fell asleep halfway through. But when it’s more… realistic… and especially when it involves ghosts and demons or whatever, it really frightens me—because I’ve experienced those things firsthand and they’re absolutely terrifying.