the lehman house [24]

Sarah strolling down to the stables

Monday. After classes I hung out with Sarah for a bit, and then I went over to Rob & Mandy’s apartment for dinner with them and Dominic. Sarah and I went to Blockbuster and then to Chris & Tiz’s for wine. We sat on the porch and talked about relationships, what we want and don’t want. She wants what I want to give her; I’m just not sexy enough for her.

Tuesday. Before Ams went to work, we sat on the front porch and smoked. She said, “Anth, you’re not as fat as you think you are. You just think you are because you’ve conditioned yourself to think that way.” When Sarah got home we went to the Hilltop and got dinner, then watched an insect documentary. Tiz came over and I was ignored, so I went on a drive into Kentucky, to Big Bone Lick and to the haunted graveyard and beyond the airport, listening to zombie music on the country roads and lost in thoughts about my life and the emptiness, the hopelessness, the bleak and unchanging future, how life is a cyclical and unbroken misery. Tears crawled down my cheeks and I wanted nothing more than to lie in the tub and turn on the water and slit my wrists with a razor.

Wednesday. I’ve started taking my meds again, and the effects are hitting me: aching muscles and exhaustion. I worked 9:30-1:00, class till 3:00, nap till five. Sarah and I watched a movie. I laid on the couch and she sat beside me, and my legs touched her ass. It was freezing, so we cranked up the heat and broke out the space heaters. I ate dinner in the Hilltop with Mykaela, Jessie, and Bullard. Jordan’s pursuing a freshman named Joy. I chatted with Brittany for a while and went to bed.

Thursday. My body still aches. At least the house isn’t an ice box anymore. Gambill and I met up in the Hilltop after classes to work on Greek. Mandy H. came over. She saw me and Sarah interacting, exclaimed, “Just marry her already! You two get along so well” I wish. I told Mandy that I have feelings for Sarah. She was surprised, said, “Go for it! You two would be great together! How are you going to win her heart?” I told her I was going to lose weight. “That’s not what you need to do. Just treat her right, serve her, and be there for her and just be yourself. You’re great.” That was uplifting. It’s a painful thing to be absolutely crazy about a girl but unable to say anything because you know you don’t cut the bill. Sure, you’ll give her the world and all that you have, but she’ll have none of it because, in the end, you just don’t live up to what she wants in a man. And it hurts to know you could be happy, that you could make her happy, but you can’t because you’re simply not tall enough, muscular enough, tan enough. It hurts to see her used and abused, crying out for more but unwilling to receive it. And it hurts when she runs after dead-end boys and complains about her dire predicament but refuses to take what you have to offer. I may not have brokered my feelings quite yet, but I know her response. It’ll be what it was last time. She prefers guys like Keith to guys like me, and that’s just fact.

Friday. I told Ams about my attraction to Sarah. “Disaster!” she exclaimed; “It would be nice if you two ended up married. She’d be an awesome sister-in-law.” Sarah came home and changed into nice clothes. She looked absolutely radiant. We went to dinner at Chris & Tiz’s. While lying on the sofa feelings of sadness overwhelmed me, and I nearly wept, feeling so hopeless and helpless, a man of broken dreams and empty promises, a failure at everything that truly matters. I abandoned them and went home and cried. Jessie came over to comfort me, and we took shots of rum. Jobst came over for a bit, and then I headed back to Chris & Tiz’s, feeling rather refreshed, and settled in for a night watching stand-up comedies.

Saturday. I joined Mom’s side of the family down at the Kentucky Horse Tracks to celebrate Jesse and Jared’s engagements. It was good seeing everybody. Such good food. Uncle Bill made irish cream coffee with homemade whipped cream. Ams and I returned to Cincinnati. Sarah went to her brother’s and Ams went to Chris’. When Sarah got back we drank beer and watched TV and talked. “I crave physical connection,” I told her. “Not sex, really. More like cuddling. Holding hands.” “Me too,” she said; “And I miss sex.”

Sunday. Sarah, Ams and I went to Sarah’s family’s mansion in Wilmington. We petted the horses out in the stable and played with the dogs and cats, and then we rode the golf cart around the fields and through the woods. Dinner was shrimp pasta, rolls, and salad. I felt sad when I got home, and I tried to pray, but faltered. Does God give a damn about me? Does he care about my pain? If I’m God’s child, why do I suffer as I do? Why trust God when he slays me? Sarah could tell something was wrong, it was etched over my face. She asked if I was okay. “Just a bad day,” I told her. Seeing her seductive beauty didn’t help. FUCK.