the lehman house [25]

Amanda Hoos everyone!

Monday. I always have to poop at 10:40 on the dot. Nate and Rob have made it a running joke. Kevin and Mykaela came over after classes, and we watched a movie about polar bears. Mykaela left, Kevin hung around for a bit. I went to the Hilltop to hang out, but no one was there. When Sarah got home we watched the new “Transformers” movie online. We sat side-by-side, arms and legs touching, and I liked it, but she asked me to scoot over, so…

Tuesday. I dream about Sarah nearly every night. It doesn’t help the whole “crucify my feelings for her” plan. After class I went to Millennium to meet up with Sarah, and we got into her car and drove to Wilmington. We were supposed to go to Columbus to pick up Rachel at the airport, but the flight was cancelled so we hung out at the house and chilled with her family. KFC for dinner. I overheard Sarah telling her aunt how good a husband I’ll be. Sarah and Tina were talking about weight loss, and her Uncle Jeff joined in, and we decided to have a weight loss contest over the next nine months. I’m teamed up with Sarah, and Jeff and Tina are paired together. If we win, they’re going to take us and the kids to the Festival of Lights at the Cincinnati zoo. I loaded Sarah’s luggage into her car for her. “You’re so sweet!” she said. And then when we left, she ran over a cat. It lie twitching and bleeding in the driveway. She wept. We got back Lehman an hour later, then remembered my car was back at her work, so we had to drive back and pick it up. I like Sarah very much, and I fear it’s all for naught. At her family’s house, I pretended she loved me. I pretended she was my wife and that we were away on holiday. It was a pleasant fiction.

Wednesday. At work I made a joke that made Amanda R. buckle over in laughter. Ams and I ate lunch at O’Charley’s and then went to the Kenwood Mall. She got jeans and I got a latte. When Sarah got home we went grocery shopping at the Kroghetto. I held the basket and carried her bags, and we ran into Dan Dyke in the mac & cheese aisle. Back home we fixed dinner and watched “Paranormal Activity.” We went on a run to Summit View and back. It felt great. We sat on the porch and she complained about being “fat,” and she took my hand, said, “Feel under my bra.” It was weird, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. She slept on the sofa, too scared because of the movie to sleep downstairs.

Thursday. After class I went by Tri-Health to see Sarah and eat dinner (a Greek pizza with Greek pasta), and then I ran some medicine to Jessie, who’s deathly sick. Sarah returned from work and we watched “The Office” and “30 Rock.” We ran on campus and came across Rob & Mandy, stopped and chatted with them. “You two are so cute!” Mandy exclaimed. We showered when we got back and drank red wine and sat and talked, and I think twice she looked at my lips. I would do ANYTHING to be with Sarah; I like her SO FREAKING MUCH. I can’t put into words how much I adore and value her. She’s a sunrise and a sunset, a heavy rain after a drought; her eyes are pools of diamonds, her voice a sonnet of beauty, her laugh intoxicating, and that smile and twinkle of her eyes sends a sword through my heart. All of our time together, exciting or droll, is cherished. I dream of holding her hand, hugging her close, going on long walks and talking late into the night. I dream of kissing in the rain and spooning under quilts. She’s all that I want now and even forever.

Friday. Sarah and I had oatmeal for breakfast, and she went to work at Millennium and I went to work at the Hilltop. My car battery died so Ams gave me a jump. I ran to Kroger after work for some groceries, ran into Jobst working the fuel center. Mandy came over to do laundry. Sarah came home and made dinner and we drank red wine. Sarah’s friend Christy came over and they went to the USS Nightmare on the river at Newport. Before they left, Sarah was commenting on how she can’t meet guys, and then she said it’d be gross to ever have sex with me. Or at least implied it, joking about how I masturbate while thinking about her before bed. Really, I wanted to go to the haunted boat with them, Christy invited me repeatedly, but Mandy was still doing laundry. Once Sarah and Christy DID leave, Mandy asked if Sarah has noticed how overwhelmingly sweet and sacrificial I’ve been. “Yes, but I don’t think she’s made the connection. She sees that I’m doing everything she wants a guy to do for her, but she’s not realizing WHY I’m doing it: because I genuinely care for her and want to be with her.” Rob joined the two of us at the house. Quote of the day: “I’m gonna go in there, unzip my pants, fling my dick around and see if I get any bites.” I want going to go down to Newport and walk around after Rob & Mandy left, but Mandy called, saying she’d left her computer charger at the house. So I grabbed the charger and went over to their apartment, and Gambill was there. Sarah & Christy returned, and once Christy left Sarah and I sat in the living room and talked for a while. I told her, “Even though I was with Karen, when you started dating Keith, it really hurt me, because you said ‘No’ to me and ‘Yes.’ To him.” I wondered aloud, “What did Keith have that I didn’t?” She didn’t have an answer. We concluded the night with her scratching my back. I’m like a dog.

Saturday. Sarah went to Wilmington. Yesterday Rachel ran a red light and hit a school bus. And on top of that, she’s miserable at her school and wants to move to Cincinnati to be around us. I headed down to Lexington, stopping at The Anchor for toast, eggs, and orange juice. I ran by Jesse & Jared’s, visited Boozur, bought two winter jackets from Goldman’s, and spent the evening with Aunt Teri, Grandma, Uncle Bill, and of course Tanner. We ate at Captain D.’s and got ice cream. Sarah called me from work and once on her way to Wilmington just to tell me little stories about her day.

Sunday. I slept until 7:30, had Irish coffee upon awaking. I headed back to Cincinnati and spent the afternoon writing papers. I took a nap, but Sa-Rah kept calling and waking me up. I went on a run and ran into Dan Dyke. “You dating any chicks?” he asked. “No, not currently,” I said. “Do you still like the fat ones?” “Yeah,” I laughed. Sarah is nowhere NEAR fat though. Sa-Rah and I went to Walgreens. Sarah was getting back from Wilmington when I was parking back home. As I walked up to help her with her stuff, she remarked, “Wow, you’re looking skinnier already!” I got depressed, really depressed, and I got depressed because of my depression. Why go on when this misery will not end? How can I be a good husband in such misery? How can I be a good father in such misery? What girl, fully knowing the gory details of my depression, would be with me, love me, marry me? Why hope when there is none?