the lehman house [22]

Monday. I worked 9:30-1:00, ate lunch with Mandy, and had class until 3:00. I grabbed some cigarettes from the Pit Stop and napped. Sarah woke me up with a phone call from Millennium (her day job): “I can’t stop crying.” I don’t hate anyone—except Keith. Mom came into town, and when Sarah came home we went out to eat at a Mediterranean café downtown. Mom left, and Sarah, Ams and I watched “Alone in the Dark.” Jess Lynn called, was feeling really lonely, and she spoke frequently of Alaska. “We can get married, move to Alaska, and I’d own a tourism shop and you’d be a fisherman!” Ams went to Chris’ and Sarah and I hung out. I told her, “I’m afraid you’ll get lonely and return to him, thus thwarting this chance you have to get your life back together.”

Tuesday. Sarah and I spent the evening watching TV, competing at Sodoku, and we fixed steak, taters, corn, mac & cheese, and sweet potato casserole for dinner. We watched “The Mummy” and she scratched my head and I scratched hers. She said my style gave her chills and she kiddingly kicked her legs. Chris S. came over for a bit, and then he and Ams went back to his place.

Wednesday. After all my classes I headed to Dayton to get the brakes fixed on my car. I ate dinner with Mom & Dad and then took the Vibe down to Cincinnati. Ams went to visit Kevin at Restoration and Sarah and I just hung out talking. We got bored, so I suggested a drive, and at 11:00 we drove into Kentucky, got off at the I75 Richwood exit, turned right, right again at the fork, and another right to reach The Graveyard. The stars shone down and a shallow mist wrapped around the tombstones. We smoked cigarettes in the chill night and then headed back to Cincinnati.

Thursday. I dreamt Sarah and I were cuddling on the couch and that I was stroking her cheek as she gazed lovingly into my eyes. I woke at 10:00 and went to the Hilltop to work on Greek. After all my classes I went to the Anchor Grill in Covington to drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, and write about this burgeoning attraction to Sarah. I’ll key it in here for posterity’s sake (below). I spent the evening hanging out with Jessie, who was also having a bad day, and after she left Hartman came over. He, Ams, Sarah and I made hamburgers for dinner and watched “The Office.” Depression overwhelmed me, so I left and went to Ludlow, Kentucky. The baseball fields by the river. I sat in the dugout. And there I prayed, “This is where Courtney and I confessed that in one another, we found our dreams coming true. Her dream came true. Mine didn’t.” And then: “Please bring me a wife soon. A woman I can love and be loved by. And please bring Sarah a wonderful husband. And if at all possible, please make that husband be me. I want to give her everything she wants, and I pray she’ll accept it.”

I feared this would happen, and it has. I can no longer deny that I like Sarah. Mandy H. is the one who unknowingly made me realize it in a conversation we had this past month. And as the weeks progressed, it became to me exceedingly clear that I want to be “with” her. And why?

1) She’s Beautiful. Everything about her is physically attractive, and so I’m sexually attracted to her.

2) We Get Along. We’re good friends, and we can hang out for hours doing nothing and still having a great time.

3) I Care for Her. Put simply, my heart’s attached to her. I’m sensitive to her wants and needs. I care about her day. And, mostly, I care about her well-being.

4) She Needs Redemption. Not biblical redemption, but redemption from her current plight with Keith, a.k.a. Dutschbag.

I want to be with her. She’s the kind of girl I’m attracted to, and I care for her very deeply. It literally hurts me to see her with Keith, to see her in that awful relationship. I want more for her. Better for her. I want her to be with someone who will LOVE her, treat her like the princess she is, dote on her and sacrifice for her and serve her. That’s what I want to give her. She’s been pursued by three or four guys lately, from her hometown in Hamilton. “A good thing about dating Keith is that I know what to look for. Red flags.” I asked her for my red flags. She thought for a moment. “I can’t think of any. You’re sweet, caring, sensitive, funny, attentive. I bet you’d be a good boyfriend.” Note she didn’t mention that I was physically attractive. If I were, she’d date me. “One red flag, I guess, is your lack of confidence.” How can I be confident when I’m surrounded by mirrors?

Sarah says one thing that keeps her at Keith’s side is that he makes her feel wanted and desired. The irony is that it’s just a cheap parlor trick. He’s keeping her around, giving her glimpses of affection every once in a while to keep her hooked. I don’t want her to be with him. She deserves the best and he dishes out the worst. She wants to be wanted and desired, and she’s settling for pseudo-affection. Here I am, right beside her, and I want and desire her. I yearn, so desperately, to give her what she so deeply and intimately desires: not just affection, but love. But I can’t give it to her because I can’t tell her how I really feel.

Now let me tell you why Sarah won’t date me. She says she wants a Good Guy, a guy like me, but only dates assholes. Why? She made it clear to me: “There just aren’t many attractive good guys out there.” So what matters most is physical attraction. She’d much rather date sexually appealing assholes than unattractive good guys. If placed in a position where she was required to choose between an attractive asshole and an unattractive good guy, she will irrevocably choose the asshole. And then she’ll complain about how he’s an asshole, and she’ll pine about how much she wants a good guy. And this is why Sarah and I will never date.

“Tell her how you feel,” Mandy suggested. That’s a ridiculous idea. She’d just tell me that we’re too close friends, it wouldn’t work. A cop-out answer. I don’t know why anyone buys into it. Since when has friendship negatively affected romance? And once the conversation was over, an awkward tension would develop between us. Since we live together, she’d probably start spending more time with Keith, deepening the hole she’s in. Our friendship would be strained. And don’t forget Ams, caught up in the middle, forced to take sides: one of her best friends or her brother? There’s no happy ending if I open my mouth and no happy ending if I keep it closed. I’m fucked either way.

Friday. Rob put on a coffee tasting at the Hilltop. Dominic and Cooper were there. Mandy wants to hook up Sarah with Dominic. I tried to shut that down. I ran the Vibe up to Dayton and got my fixed Prizm and returned to Cincinnati. A bunch of Sarah’s friends—Catherine, Justin, Henry, Jeremy—came over and played a drinking game. Rachel came down from Wilmington. Corey Isaac came by, and we sat on the porch and talked for a while. After everyone left, Sarah and I sat on the sofa and talked for a while. I’ve really no choice: I’ve cut to cut off my feelings for her before this turns into a nightmare.

The Day Courtney Got Married. The only girl I’ve ever loved got married today, and I saw her driving down my street in the honeymoon limousine. I cleaned up from Sarah’s party and slept till about 5:00, feeling quite blue. Jessie convinced Sa-Rah to go on a “date” with me to cheer me up on  this day I’ll always remember, but Sa-Rah had her phone turned off all evening. So Mykaela and I went to Aroma’s to visit Jessie. Aubrey was there. Back home Sarah and I watched TV before bed.

Sunday. I didn’t sleep well all night. Sarah went to her mom’s to mow the grass and hack down weeds. I watched a show on UFOs in Chicago and had McDonald’s for lunch. I know, I know… We got internet here at the house, but I can’t get it to work on my laptop. When Sarah returned, we watched History Channel until past midnight. I looked myself in the mirror. I’m getting fatter. Shit.