the 29th week

Isaac and Andy @ The Anchor

Monday. DeJuan and I opened. Sarah brought in some more of her homemade oil. Blake came in to get an iced Americano. I spent the afternoon hanging out with him and playing Birds of Steel, and the Loth House centered around hockey—Blackhawks vs. Bruins—and coloring around the perimeter. I did lots of reading Inferno: the blossoming of the Pacific Theater at Pearl Harbor and America’s entrance into the war. I showered and prayed (simultaneously, a multi-tasker!) and this is what I have to say: in my prayers, thoughts, and meditations, I’m always coaxing my heart in terms of trying to “win back” God’s favor. I’m in the rut of seeing myself as an “outsider,” though I never was the sort. Prodigal? Sure! But not “cut off”. All the same, the insecurities, my own refusal to accept that (a) God likes me for some reason and (b) the two of us are “cool” holds me from moving forward. So ensnared to the past, identifying myself along the lines of my past, prevents me not just from seeing that “all is well” but also from doggedly pursuing Christlikeness: after all, wouldn’t I just be “faking it,” since that’s not the “real” me, after all? The reality, though, is that God DOES like me, God DOES care for me, and I don’t have to keep groveling at his feet like a pitiful dog pining for scraps.

Tuesday. An uneventful day: I worked until 1:00, spent the afternoon playing Birds of Steel, and then hiked over to the Loth House to watch some Game of Thrones with Amos. I rounded out the night reading about the early Japanese conquests in the Pacific: Wake, Guam, Singapore and Burma.

Wednesday. Jessie was in town from Illinois, so she and Brittany came over after work and we grabbed dinner at IHOP and spent the evening laughing our asses off in the living room. I told Jessie about all that happened with the Wisconsinite, and she was shocked that she’d suggest trying it again and then call it off in virtually the same breath. No hurt was intended, of course, and though there’s residual anger, not a bone in my body is malevolent towards her. This proves, at least to me, that when I told her I loved her, I meant it. But at this point I’ve come to accept that my dream of being with her was, like all my dreams erally, nothing short of an illusion. Disappointment after disappointment only serves to reinforce the conviction that such shall be the theme of my life, despite my attempts, fanatical at times, to reverse such fortunes.

Thursday. Torrential rains fell all day. I spent the evening playing Birds of Steel, reading about the Japanese conquest of the Philippines and clashes in the Coral Sea and at Midway, the battles of Guadalcanal and Papua New Guinea. The rain kept me from doing anything exciting: as it turns out, my car doesn’t handle the rain very much, and so I had no choice but to cancel on Small Group. My car literally can’t drive in the rain!

Mom’s 49^th Birthday. I was scheduled till 1:45 but left at 12:15 since we were so slow. I spent the afternoon napping and watching TV, grabbed Subway for dinner, and then headed downtown for the VIP soft opening of Bob’s new brewery, Rhinegeist. The place was PACKED. Bob hooked us up with free drinks: I had the Cougar Golden Ale, and it was phenomenal. Luke, the brewer, sure knows his stuff. Amos and I drank our beers with Eric & Tiffany, and Cat and her new boy-toy. Amos and I spent the rest of the night playing Mario-Kart “200 cc,” a game invented by John & Brandy. It messes you up.

Saturday. I ran downtown to deposit my paycheck, and Amos and I grabbed Dusmesh for lunch. Isaac returned to the States from his European escapades, and Amos joined us at the apartment for an evening of chill relaxation and storytelling.

Sunday. Andy, Isaac and I grabbed coffee at The Anchor and Isaac spun all sorts of stories from his time on the other side of the Atlantic. I stopped downtown on my way home to do the USFoods order and spent the afternoon reading and writing. Ams and Traci came by, and we all hung out. People filtered out, and I played 200cc Birds of Steel alone and then went to bed.