*a conversation" (part dos)

Ashley and I talked a lot about the things I've written on this blog. She's super supportive, understands my fears and issues, and she's pretty much been amazing in how she's handling all this. I told her how I've been scared because of my "Mandy issues" (that's the blanket term I coined) coupled with my concern for Ashley's well-being. I reiterated how nothing is guaranteed, and how I want things to move slow. I told her how my heart hasn't yet come to a point of being able to invest or echo the things she tells me. I was honest that the temptation to run is there, but that's what I don't want to do. I don't want to be like Mandy: I want to give this a fighting chance. Mandy promised she would fight and ran; I've made Ashley no promises, but I'm going to keep trying to find a way through this. It may or may not be an impasse, but if so, I'm going to make damned well sure and exhaust all possibilities before throwing in the towel. 

I told her how I'm asking myself, "Should we keep moving, knowing the depth of my issues and how they affect us, hoping that they'll be resolved while we're together? Or do we end things to minimize the pain that might be caused to both of us?" I don't want to run. I want to keep seeing where this is going, if it's going anywhere, and I told her I'm scared of hurting someone as great as her. So after much deliberation and talking, we've made an agreement that might stem the tide of all these issues: basically, we're not going to spend as much time together as we have been.

Since the day we met, we've pretty much seen each other every day. There have been a few days we didn't see each other, but for the most part the cycle's been unbroken. By asking that we not spend so much time together, I wasn't saying that I didn't enjoy spending time with her, or that we could only hang out on occasion, but that most couples don't spend every day together, and having space for both people is good for us as individuals and us as a couple. Because of her past marriage and my last serious relationship, neither of us automatically think in terms of "dating". But this, what we're doing, this is dating, and we should treat it accordingly. I mentioned how I felt that having space will help foster independence: we don't know what will happen, so we mustn't let ourselves become dependent on one another. My whole life revolved around Mandy, and when it went nowhere, the whole structure collapsed. To invest in a dating relationship the same way you invest in an engagement or marriage is a recipe for disaster, because you don't have the level of commitment and trust you ought to have in an engagement or marriage. Besides: this will be good for the girls, and they mustn't be forgotten. By seeing them each and every day, they'll come to expect me to always be there. Chloe's said some things that have concerned me in that area, stuff like me being her "new Dad." I want to protect Chloe's heart (if things between Ashley and me don't work out, Zoey won't even remember), and by making sure she doesn't see me all the time, her heart can be protected.

I don't know if this will help my issues at all.

I'm really hoping it will. 

A step in the right direction, at least.

(those are the things I like to tell myself)

on the eve (of november)

Jessie and Tony were in town this weekend for Thanksgiving, and on Friday morning Jessie and I met up at The Anchor for coffee and catching up (it's our jam). She could tell a lot has been on my mind. "Your eyes look unhappy," she told me. We ended up talking for a long time about the conflict in my heart between Ashley and Mandy. "It's only been six months since Mandy left you, Anthony. It isn't crazy for you to feel the things you do. It's normal." I've certainly felt crazy, regardless; crazy, and shitty, because Ashley doesn't deserve someone with divided desires and conflicted interests. "You aren't lying to her about anything, Anthony. You're not doing anything wrong. You have no reason to feel guilty." Jessie helped put things into perspective, and I breathed a little easier when we parted ways.

I drove up to Mason to see Dylan (who's in town from D.C.), and on the drive up I thought about how I still identify as the man who lost Mandy, and that identity makes new things, even good things, feel uneasy and out-of-place. My identity is not wrapped up in Mandy's decision. I'm far more than my status (existent or not) with her. She was part of my life and no longer is, but life goes on. She has her trajectory, and I have mine; and for my eyes to be on her trajectory rather than on my own, or for my eyes to be focused on the hypothetical trajectory of "us" that was never given its chance to blossom, or if I deduce the value of my trajectory based on the value of hers, then I'm just being foolish. But because I poured so much of my heart and life into her and into us, and because this was my life's greatest dream come true with the woman I've loved with a fierce and unparalleled love, it isn't easy or fast to disengage from that. It takes a lot of time and patience to come to terms with the loss, to recover from the pain so that you can be a good partner to someone else.

And that is what scares me: I'm with Ashley, but my heart still belongs to Mandy. It shouldn't, and I wish I could control it (it's what I've prayed and fought for), but you can't plan on the heart. The heart, it just can't be trusted. I feel super shitty about it, like I'm being an awful boyfriend who's just using Ashley to try and numb the pain, or to accelerate recovery, or even to capture what I lost with Mandy through a surrogate. None of those things are true, of course: the reason I'm with Ashley is because I genuinely care for her. And that's precisely why I feel so shitty about all this. If I were just using her, I wouldn't be feeling shitty. Meeting her helped me see beyond Mandy, and I didn't think about Mandy so much. Perhaps because Ashley's so great, the flood of issues (or the fact of my relentless love for Mandy) was pushed back; but now in the midst of stress and drama, the suppression techniques are failing and the ship's threatening to sink. 

[Black Friday]

On the drive home from Grandma and Grandpa's in New Carlisle, Ams asked me, "What is it about Mandy that makes it hard to move on?" I'll be honest: I had an idealized picture of life at her side, pretending that once I got to Wisconsin, or once we got married, those "issues" (such as me not feeling like a priority, and feeling that I wasn't respected, appreciated, or loved) would fizzle out. The reality is that such issues aren't resolved by marriage but intensified. We are who we are, and expecting someone's characteristics to change is fantasy. The love I had for her regardless of the issues was a love like no other I've experienced: I came alive, knew myself again, and burned with a fierce desire to protect her, nurture her, cherish her, serve her; in short, to die for her. I remember quite well the excitement I felt to be with her, the pride I felt in being her "chosen." The love I had for her, that was a fierce, unquestioning, and relentless love. "That's not the sort of love most people experience." The love we shared, at least on my end, was a kind of love you don't easily forget.

Things with Ashley are tense not least because of the issues I've developed as a consequence of Mandy's actions: I just don't seem to be able to open my heart; it's as if my heart is on lockdown mode. But what if the problem isn't due to any speculative "issues" but because my heart simply remains glued to Mandy. I think of her when I wake up, dream of her when I sleep. There are sprinklings of impressions throughout the day: her eyes, and her laughter, the way she would giggle. Memories can assault me at any waking (or sleeping) hour. There's still a lot of pain, and a lot of regret: regret for all the things I said and wrote from a wounded heart, a heart clouded by grief and anger, words spoken in a state of being helpless and homeless. What if I can't invest with Ashley because my heart is still invested, against all reason, in Mandy? I put so much trust and investment into Mandy, and it's exhausting for such trust and investment to be torn down. My heart is exhausted. You can't plan on the heart, and the heart wants what it wants; but damn if I don't wish I could control it.

It's only been six months since I lost the woman I loved, since I was robbed of my future with her, since all my plans were demolished. With such investment, with such a fierce love, am I naive to expect enough time has passed for me to even be able to invest? Amanda told me, "It took me two years to even get to a point where I could love someone other than Josh, and there are still days when it makes me sad to not be with him anymore." Yes: it's only a matter of time. Those women who hurt me the most have been forgotten with time. Time isn't on trial; what's at stake is the length of time my recovery will need, what "moving on" requires, and has that time passed? I think the answer is clear in the words that I write: obviously not. Jessie told me, "You can love two women at the same time, albeit in different ways." She's right: I'll always love Mandy, in some form or another. She's hard not to love, and she's been such a HUGE part of my life for the last several years. She was my best friend. Behind the anger and pain, love remains, and it is precisely that love which fuels the anger and pain. The haunting question is whether it's immoral (in the sense of cheating or infidelity) to be with someone in reality while your heart belongs to someone else? Is it wrong to be someone's partner when you're incapable of being a good and devoted partner, the sort your partner needs? These questions, they tear at me.

I feel that I am in a place where I'm incapable of making the sort of commitment Ashley wants. Don't get me wrong, no one's even begun talking about the M-word. We're both wiser than that. But there gets to be a point in dating relationship where things step up a notch; they get a little more serious. And Ashley, I think she's sliding into home plate, far as that's concerned. She's adamant: I have her heart, she's falling in love with me, I mean so much to her, I complete her, life has never been better, she's never known so deep a desire for someone, she can't imagine her life without me ("Hey! Those sound familiar!")... The list goes on. It concerns me, because she hasn't had time to make those conclusions responsibly. We're simply dating, getting to know one another, and we've only really known each other for about two months. That's nowhere near the amount of time you need to get to know someone and responsibly ask, "Is this someone who would be a good partner?" I'm not at that point, and I can't tell her the things she tells me; and the more she tells me those things, the more scared I feel: scared because of how fast this is going in her mind, fear because there are no guarantees. I don't want to hurt her, and this fear feeds the pressure to determine now whether I see a bold future; because if I don't, then I need to end things to prevent hurting her worse than I otherwise would. But I'm in no place to know those things, so it's a losing battle. We talked from the Get-Go about how I needed and wanted to go slow, but I feel it's going the opposite of that. 

Ashley really is great. She's so loving, selfless, and compassionate; she's resilient and courageous, downright inspiring; she's an amazing mother who sacrifices so much for her children and often receives only grief in response; she's sensitive to my needs, always striving to know me better so that she can love me more; she's funny, intelligent, and fun to be around. And she's a strong Christian woman who yearns to be led by a strong Christian man. That makes me wonder if her love and desire for me isn't because of me but because of what I stand for: the kind of man she wants. Having been married before, she knows the qualities she wants in a man, and I have lots of those qualities; she wants someone who treats her well, and I do; she's had lots of experience with men and in a simple compare-&-contrast sees that I have the rarer qualities. My character and qualities, albeit chipped and flawed, may be what she's eager to hold onto, knowing that men like me are hard to find. And then sometimes I wonder if she's looking for her own sort of redemption in me; maybe she's looking for the man who can be a good husband and a good father to her girls, redeeming her life and the lives of the girls from the wasteland John made of it. 

But I can't be her redeemer.

I can't be her savior.

I can't be her fixer, and I can't be her healer.

That operation lies in the realm of Christ.

I'm a shitty redeemer, savior, fixer, and healer.

(I tend to mess things up worse than they were)

"Don't run from Ashley just because of Mandy," Amanda told me. She said she'd support whatever decision I make, but I know she's vouching for Ashley here; or, rather, she's vouching for Ashley and me, since she can see in ways that I can't how great Ashley is for me. She's spent a lot of time with Ashley, even one-on-one, and she's come to know, respect, admire, and see Ashley for the beautiful, strong, and heroic woman she is. I'm going to be talking with Ashley about these things; perhaps that will help me find some clarity. In the meantime, thank God this blog is private, because I really just bore my soul out.

And I bore my soul for you, Blake. 

Only for you.

(literally: my other two readers dropped off)

#picture[z]

Behold! 

Some pictures I've taken as of late:

Chloe likes dancing on the diving board, and
Zoey looks like a miniature Obi-Wan Kenobe!

Zoey has become QUITE enamored with my koala.

#jurassicworld

Isn't that Andy Dwyer?
Also, here's the hybrid dino everyone's raving about:

11/25/14

These past months have been disappointing, on so many different levels, and it's difficult to shake the feeling that God is throwing a stick in all my gears to punish me. I have this mental picture of God looking at me with nothing short of paternal disappointment and frustration, and the contours of my life are what they are because He's revealing His displeasure by foiling my hopes and desires. And everything with Mandy? That's just the tip of the iceberg. There's a voice in my head telling me, "God is sabotaging those things that mean the most to you to punish you."

It's as if I see God as a "glass half empty" God, focusing on my failures, holding my sin against me, seeing nothing but the sins I wrestle with and the rebellious bastions still operating in my heart. It's kinda like feeling rotten and worthless, like a little bug; or you're the runt of the family, the black sheep, the odd one out, accepted by the Father but not a priority. I look at my life and I ask, "How could God be anything but disappointed in me?" Hell, I'm disappointed in myself: I'm 27 years old, reeling through the equivalent of a broken engagement with a woman I've loved like no other, and with a Bachelor of Science in religious studies I can't even get a part-time ministry job; and I'm working a dead-end job and living paycheck-to-paycheck (well, let's be honest, paycheck-to-four days before the next paycheck).

So basically I'm taking my self-perception, translating it onto God, and interpreting life through that lens. The Bible says, of course, that God is a "glass half full" kind of God: lavishly forgiving (and forgetting!) my sins, celebrating my victories, prodding me with compassion and mercy towards more decent living, and working in my life for His glory and my good, even if it doesn't make sense much of the time. It's a struggle for me to see God this way; I look at my life and see evidence of His displeasure, of His punishment, of His inattentiveness towards me. Perhaps it's difficult for me to perceive God biblically because it's likewise difficult to perceive myself biblically: yes, a sinner, but saved by grace and in good standing with my Creator. It's difficult for me to see myself this way because I'm well aware of my sins and weaknesses, of the way I can wound with my words those whom I love, how I can be so selfish and indifferent. God sees what I don't see: His Spirit in me, His Son before me, and the worth and potential of who I am in Him.

the 53rd week

Monday. Five inches of snow fell overnight, and after brushing off my car, I drove to Anchor Grill for coffee and scripture. I spent the afternoon with Ashley, then went to Ams' apartment to do some writing while watching 60 Minutes. Ashley and the girls came over to her apartment, and we had a sleepover. Ams fixed pork roast and broccoli, and Ashley brought bags of candy for the girls. Coloring books were laid out, stuffed animals abounded, and Zoey made herself dizzy running in circles. Chloe's still feeling sick, so she was in a foul mood most of the night. Zoey's fallen in love with my stuffed koala, carrying it everywhere she goes. "Bear baby me!" she screams. She likes to throw her stuffed animals onto the ground and yell "Die! Die!" I taught her how to stomp on animals to put them out of their ministry*. "I shouldn't let you around my kids," Ashley said as Zoey kept stomping and laughing in glee.

Tuesday. Breakfast at Ams' apartment was bacon, eggs, and waffles. We spent the morning cleaning up from the night before (kids have a tendency to operate like wrecking balls), and I hurried off to my 2-8:00 PM in Blue Ash. After work I cozied up in my Hobbit Hole with the heat blasting, snow clinging to the stained-glass windowpanes, and oil lamps burning. I did some scripting for The Procyon Strain: Book Two and talked with Ashley for about an hour before bed. I told her how I've been feeling overwhelmed these last couple days, what with the constant social interactions, and I needed some alone time. "Alone time to Anthony is writing time," Ams told Ashley; the two of them stayed at Ams' until about 6 PM. "I love your girlfriend to death," Ams said; "Sorry I'm so obsessed with her! She is seriously amazing, and so inspiring!"

Wednesday. I woke at 7 AM and went to Anchor Grill to do some writing: I've started on Book 2 of my six-book saga, and it's coming along splendidly (note: use less adverbs in actual writing; but on my blog, I don't give a damn). My front left tire had a slow leak, so I decided to refill it with air before going to see Ashley and the girls. I pulled up to the air pump at the nearest ghetto gas station and ended up getting a nail embedded in the tire. I sighed and jacked up my car, took off the flat, and threw on the spare. Smug in a job well done, I got back on the road only to have the spare blow out. Ashley, Ams, and the girls came down to help me out, and we went to Wal-Mart where it took three and a half hours for them to fit a new tire on my rims. Once we got it done we went back to the Hobbit Hole, put on a movie for the girls, and hung out in the kitchen fixing dinner and drinking ciders. When I went back out to my "living area," I saw Chloe had stripped my sofa and my bed and had built a fort. "Play with me, Anthony! Play with me!" So I played with her and Zoey for a while before they headed out. Zoey refused to give me hugs and kisses before going home, and Ashley reported that when they drove away, she started losing it, reaching back towards my apartment in a desperate gambit to see me again. "She'll learn not to refuse kisses one of these days," I mused.

Thursday. Today marks One-Month for Ashley and I being "official." I woke early and went to Anchor Grill for coffee and a great bible study on Ephesians 2.1-10. I worked 8:30-4:00 PM in Blue Ash and spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with Ashley and her girls before going back to The Anchor to do some more writing. "Writing really chills me out," I told Ash. Ashley came over in the evening, and we watched TV and cuddled on the sofa and drank vodka and talked about faith, spirituality, and us. I was open and honest about things I've been struggling with (read: my resilient love for Mandy, fears in lieu of our unknown future, the complicated nature of the relationship due to dating a woman with kids), and she was really sympathetic and understanding. She really chilled me out. "Even more than writing?" she quipped. Yes, even more than writing.

Friday. Ashley met my parents today: we loaded the girls in the van and drove them to the Chuck E' Cheese in Miamisburg. When Chloe saw where we were going, she about flipped her lid in excitement. The girls played games and Ashley got to visit with my parents for a while. She really likes them, and they like her. I tried to shake extra coins out of a game and set off an alarm; how embarrassing. Zoey saw a little black girl in a leopard outfit and tried petting her; likewise embarrassing, but also awesome. Mom is obsessed with Zoey and was absolutely thrilled when Zoey let her carry her. "Are you going to marry Ashley?" Mom asked. I really don't know why she asks those questions; just because I was so eager to marry Mandy doesn't mean I'm that way with everyone. Really, Mandy has been the ONLY person I was ever all about marrying. I told Mom that we're just dating, that we haven't even talked about that (Ashley knows I don't want to talk about that, given how the first half of 2014 went), but I made a point to add that if I saw marrying her as an impossibility down the road, I wouldn't be dating her. She seemed content with that; really, I think she just wants grand-babies and wants to steal Chloe and Zoey. She even got them Dumbo elephants (I insist on calling them 'Dimbo the Oliphant', much to Chloe's chagrin):

Saturday. I went to Anchor Grill to do some writing before spending the afternoon with Ashley. I helped her reorganize her room and do some very late spring cleaning, and after a Thanksgiving feast of mashed potatoes, stuffing, macaroni & cheese, and sliced turkey with cranberry dressing, Ams came over to see us. She and Ashley hung out for a while longer after I headed out to Blue Ash for my Overnight. Jason was gone most of the night, and Ben and I went to Graeter's Ice Cream where I devoured a pumpkin sundae topped with whipped cream, butterscotch syrup, and walnuts. Ashley and I talked on the phone for a while before bed.

Sunday. I woke at Blue Ash and went to Anchor Grill for coffee and scripture. No church today: now Ashley and Zoey are sick. Some drama at Ashley's house has her at her wit's end, so she's going to be staying with her sister Ashley for a while. I went over to Mason to see Tyler for a while, and I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with Ashley and the girls at her sister's place. Rachel made chili, her husband Keith seems pretty cool, and Nathan brought his girlfriend by. 

* I meant "misery," but I'm leaving it at ministry cause why the f*ck not.

on writing

I've been doing lots of writing lately, in a wide variety of forms, not least of all creative writing. I go through periods in life where I don't do much creative writing at all, and then it feels like a switch is flipped and the words flow unbroken from my fingertips (that makes sense, when you have a keyboard at your disposal). I've been tackling a rewrite of my 2007-2009 trilogy Dwellers of the Night; so far I've finished rewriting the first book and am preparing to begin on the second. I've also started working on The Procyon Strain: Book Two (I completed Book One late in 2012). These stories all resolve around post-apocalyptic scenarios breast-fed by zombies (yes, I just wrote that). Well, maybe not zombies per se: the "creatures" of Dwellers of the Night are more vampire than zombie, though what I have in The Procyon Strain are as close to zombies as you can get without breaking into the supernatural. 36 Hours, now there's a classic zombie story.

Here's the plan: self-publish all my works over again, this time collecting royalties. I'll also be turning them into E-Books that can be purchased for the Nook, Kindle, and any other eBook software out there (I honestly don't know much about those things). I'm going to be focusing on marketing, the first step of which is creating an "author's website" that spotlights all my writing with links to purchase them. I self-marketed 36 Hours back in high school and five years after publication, I would've made around $70,000 in royalties had I insisted on them. I'm not making that mistake again.

I'll be posting excerpts and Book Pages once the books become available.

Until then, keep reading, and keep your eyes peeled.

In the meanwhile, here's a little something inspired by Cormac McCarthy:

*  *  *

A few months ago I wrote a post highlighting some of Stephen King's "tips for writing." Recently I've been reading through Cormac McCarthy's No Country for Old Men (one of my favorite books), and I've taken some notes on his narrative style. In the same vein as the previous post (which you can view HERE), here are some of McCarthy's trademark "rules" in No Country for Old Men:

Avoid lots of fluff & frill. 

Embrace clean-cut prose.

Run-on sentences can be used to cover longer sequences of time.

Avoid overusing flat, monotone verbs like "was" and "were" in descriptions.

"Spasmodic Realism": little details give a tone of realism to a description without being overbearing. Immaculate detail with microscopic scenes conveys a sense of gritty realism, but only if told cleanly, precisely, and without the overuse of adjectives.

Embrace fluid movement within scenes. The main character is watching an event from far away, and the next moment he is at the event's geographical location. "When he approached the trucks..."

*a conversation*

I've been dreaming about Mandy a lot, as in most nights. I wake up at like 6 AM unable to go back to sleep, haunted by memories. I told Ashley, "I wish my dreams were under my control. I just want to forget her, to be freed from everything that happened so I can be everything you need me to be and everything I want to be for you. Mandy, she did a number on me, and there are so many consequent issues and I want them to be resolved, and I want to be free but it's not happening as fast as I wish and pray for."

She told me she understands that kind of pain, and the consequences that come from something like what happened throughout the first half of the year. 

I told her, "I pray daily that God will heal my heart so that I can love you the same way I loved her. You deserve that kind of love so much. And I feel so damned shitty that my heart seems to be on lockdown, like there's a barrier or obstacle I just don't seem to be able to jump. And it scares me, because what if these issues are terminal? What if they're not going to go away? What if I'm so irrevocably damaged by her that my heart is unable to open up that way again? I know that for me love takes time. It took years for me to love her. And it's dumb for me to expect that same kind of love to be cultivated overnight. But I wish it could be. And it scares me because we're dating and growing close and there's nothing guaranteed, and if things don't work out we will both be so deeply hurt. The very thought of hurting you and the girls terrifies me and pains me like nothing else. All three of you deserve so much love."

"Maybe God brought us together because we understand each other's pain," she said. "I have parts of me that are afraid to give my heart away again, because I'm terrified of being hurt again. The broken heart Jonathan left me with is more painful than any physical abuse I endured from him."

I'm so afraid of hurting her after everything she'd endured. I love how close she and Ams are becoming, but that scares me, too, because if things don't work out, I don't want it to cost her a good friendship with Amanda. Ams, she's a great friend to have (that's why she's my bestest). 

"Every day I'm with you," Ashley said, "makes me need you more and more in my life. You mean more to me than any amount of money or thing in life could offer. I don't even notice other men around, or even have the desire to talk with them. All I want is you broken or not."

I laughed and told her I'm a fucked up, broken human being with more issues than are desirable.

"What you give me," she said, "is more desirable than anything the world can offer. I don't see you that way at all. We can be broken together. I mean for goodness' sake, maybe we hold the pieces for each other to make us whole again. There are so many fucked up people in the world, but if I could choose one to be with, it would be with you. You're so compassionate, loving, understanding, sympathetic, and you give of yourself constantly, both to me and my girls. You've been far more a father to them than their own father has ever been. You're not as broken as you feel: you're a strong, amazing man who is worth so much and who offers so much. Ninety-five percent of the men in this world are self-loving, self-serving, manipulative assholes. You're not like that at all. Mandy was an absolute fool to give you up, especially since she loved you. It makes me think that she doesn't have much experience dating, because if she thinks she can find someone as rare as you lickety-split, then she has another thing coming. I've dated lots of guys and even been married before, and let me assure you: you're not like most men. Your sister says she can't have a good relationship because she always compares other guys to you and finds them wanting. I know you have a hard time seeing value in yourself, especially after what Mandy did to you. I know you focus on all your flaws, short-comings, and character defects. We all have those, Anthony, and what makes you better than most is that you acknowledge your issues and faults and strive to better yourself. Most men don't give a damn about any of that."

She added, "You have brought a light to my very dark world, and you've made me feel not so scared, not so hopeless, and not so alone. I want to be here for you and help you through your struggles and hear your fears. Please don't be afraid of confiding in me. I want you to know you're safe with me, and you're always in my thoughts and prayers!"

She's a winner, that's for sure.

#thefirstsnow

Winter has come a little early this year with a five-inch snowfall Sunday night and Monday morning. Chloe's sick, so she wasn't able to go build snowmen or make snow angels. Croup is what she's got, and I don't know anything about it, except that it's a children's sickness. She's been pumped full of steroids and should be better by Thursday.

The elders at Mayhill Church of Christ called me. The congregational meeting didn't make any headway. The younger folk at the church remain adamant that they want Terry to be the preacher; Terry remains adamant that he doesn't want to be the preacher; and the elders remain adamant that they won't consider him for the position. The younger folk are making a stand by refusing to vote for anyone but him, and he isn't even on the so-called ballot.

This is why churches suck.

The "head elder" said that he would definitely give me a good recommendation for my ongoing ministry search. "You're a fantastic preacher, and you're the candidate we want." There's going to be a second congregational meeting this Sunday. "We're going to do some serious work addressing the concerns with the younger folk, and hopefully we'll make some headway." They're still wanting me to come preach there full-time, but it depends on how stubborn the younger folk will be. It's frustrating to have gotten so close and to have a church coup thrown in my face. All other possible leads are extinguished. "He's a better fit," is what I've been hearing like a mantra in my emails with the other churches I've interviewed at. It's encouraging, at least, to know that at least one leadership has chosen me. I'm going to keep looking for ministry positions; hopefully this prayer will be answered. You'd think that if you were called to ministry, God would open doors rather than shut them. Perhaps we assume too much.

the 52nd week

 

Monday. I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture and spent the afternoon hanging out with Ashley at her place. Zoey climbed into the hammock out back and I joined her, and gripping her against my chest, I used my feet to swing us super high in the hammock to where we were vertical. She screamed in delight. I met Chloe off the bus, and then Ashley took the girls to get their haircuts, and I passed the time doing some writing at the Starbucks in Beckett Ridge. One of the elders from Mayhill called and gave me gloomy news: I didn't get the votes I needed. Basically there's a sort of "coup" going on with several members of the church demanding a certain person gets the job. This person doesn't want the job, and the elders won't even consider him for the job, but the members refuse to vote Yes for any candidate other than him. The elder said they will try a re:vote this coming Sunday. I headed back to Ashley's and gave her the glum news, and after she put the girls to bed, we paced around her covered swimming pool, kicking at leaves in the twilight. I lamented the frustration of it all: so strongly desiring to be in a preaching/teaching ministry, being built for it, and yet being unable to land a position. "Sometimes it feels like God won't listen to you unless you get on your hands and knees and beg Him for scraps." She was really sympathetic and supportive through it all.

Tuesday. I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture, and I met up with Ashley at her place and hung out with her and Zoey for a bit. Dad and I met up for lunch at a Greek restaurant down the street; we devoured gyros and talked about how things are going with Ashley and the fruitless ministry search. I had half an hour to kill before work in Blue Ash, so I went back by Ashley's and hung out with her and Nathan for a bit. Jason was in a sour mood all day, throwing his version of toddler tantrums for not getting extra sodas ("You know the rules, Jason."), but eventually he got himself under control when Jooniper threatened to take Pizza Friday from him. Lisa relieved me, and I made a rainy drive to the Hobbit Hole and rounded out the night basking in the glow of oil lamps, reading scripture, and praying over all the disappointment, frustration, and confusion 2014 has kept throwing at me.

Wednesday. After morning coffee and scripture at (you guessed it) Anchor Grill, I went up to Ashley's and spent the afternoon hanging out with her and the girls. Chloe's come down with something awful, perhaps a chest cold, so she was taken out of school early. I worked 2:30-7:00 in Blue Ash, taking both Ben and Jason to Ballroom Dancing. My night culminated at the Hobbit Hole with lots of reading and oil lantern accompaniment. 

Thursday. In lieu of our day at the farm being cancelled, I took Ben and Jason (and myself!) to see the movie Interstellar. After work I headed over to Ashley's, and we spent the evening hanging out with her girls. Amanda came over, too. Zoey is slowly warming up to her. After the girls went to bed, Ashley, Ams and I were up pretty late just talking about life, swapping stories, and laughing till it hurt. "Ashley is so amazing and hilarious and beautiful," Ams told me. "I love her to death. And the girls are perfection. I have never met cuter girls." They're pretty cute, I must agree!

Friday. Ashley and the girls came down this afternoon, and Ams joined us at the Hobbit Hole. We played games, colored in coloring books, and watched We're Back! (an old dinosaur movie I was obsessed with as a kid). At 5:00 we met up with the Tomeos and Hot Sauce Waugh at Rock Bottom Brewery. It was Keith's last night, and thus the end of the Rock Bottom Gift Cards days. After we ate we went out to Fountain Square, and the girls plus the tiblets let me chase them around the fountain as we played Cops & Robbers. Ashley's car battery died, so Ams watched the girls at the Hobbit Hole and I drove us to Auto Zone and had them test her battery. It was completely drained, so she had to buy a new one. "I want you to know how much it means that you were the one who suggested we fix it tonight and made sure that it was done. My ex-husband would've yelled at me for inconveniencing him and told me to fix it myself."

Saturday. The girls had to spend time with their father today, so Ashley came down to the Hobbit Hole and we watched the movie Inception. "It's crazy how the girls like you more than they like their own father," she mused. I spent the evening working in Blue Ash and spent the night. Ams warmed my heart, telling me, "I want you to know how proud I am of you. You are amazing to Ashley and her girls. You take care of her and the girls with whatever you have. I do not want you to ever feel that you are not a good man. You are. No money can even compare to what YOU have to offer."

Sunday. Chloe's still sick, so we didn't go to church today; instead we had an impromptu Bible Study on the Good Samaritan. Chloe was thrilled about it! Ashley's sister Jessica and her husband came by the house, and we spent the afternoon and evening with them. I went over to Ams' apartment for a bit, and then Ashley joined me once the girls were in bed to watch The Walking Dead. 

11.16.14

It's been five months since the Wisconsinite, overwhelmed by fear and insecurity, ran for the hills like she always did, as everyone told me she would do. There's a lot that remains to be worked through, not least of all the haunting thought that God took her away from me because I wasn't good enough. This thought-pattern (another word is stronghold) creeps into all the disappointments I face and throws a bleak mark over everything good: "Every unanswered prayer is a testament to your failure, and every blessing will be taken away because you'll never be good enough to receive it." 

Don't get me wrong, I know this thought-pattern is unscriptural. I am God's child, and His disposition towards me is one characterized not by wrath but by affection and benevolence. This thought-pattern is also nonsensical: am I to believe that, in my rottenness, God has brought me to Ashley? Does she deserve less of a man than Mandy does? With all Ashley's been through, she's given herself to God, sacrifices her own wants and needs for her children, and she's remained strong in her faith. If I hold fast to the erroneous stronghold that clouds my heart and mind, the logical conclusion is that Ashley and her girls deserve less than the Wisconsinite. I simply cannot believe that.

This stronghold must be demolished by the gospel.

Yes, I am a wretched sinner.

Yes, I love God with all of me.

Yes, I am a sinner.

Yes, I stand only in grace.

There are times I ponder the presence and activities of demonic forces in our world. These forces, according to the Bible, target those who belong to God. Their schemes and lies are designed to "block our way," to prevent us from becoming the sort of people God wants us to be, to pull us away from our faith in the Creator. I can look at this stronghold and see all the ways it affects my self-perception and the way I not only perceive God but relate to Him. This may or may not be "of the devil" (I feel childish even saying it; damned if my worldview doesn't allow such things), but it's problematic no matter the source, be it unseen spiritual powers or my own fucked-up brain.

I ran across a quote the other day that struck at me. Elizabeth Elliot (whoever she is) writes, God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful--'severe mercies' at times, but mercies all the same. God never denies us our heart's desire except to give us something better. If I picture God as being vengeful and wrathful towards me, then I can easily interpret the break-down of all my hopes and dreams with the Wisconsinite coming from His hand not for my benefit but for my pain. The break-down of all that we planned, the brutal thrashing I endured under her decision to cast me aside, comes as God's judgment on me. I can start thinking that she was the One, but in my wretchedness God knew she deserved better. But I stand in Christ. The Apostle Paul is clear: God is a loving Father who knows what's best for us, and sometimes He steers us in directions we wouldn't choose because He knows that down those paths lie better for us. Half the battle is accepting that (a) God does care for us and does have our best interests at heart, and believing that (b) He knows what He's doing even when we think we know what's best for us.

*pokemon*

making our own Pokemon coloring book. #coolkids?

Our Thursday trips to Gorman Heritage Farm have been put on hold these last two weeks, so this afternoon I'm taking the guys to see the movie Interstellar. Some people say it's phenomenal, others say it's a waste of time. Since my ticket is paid, I'll be content with either scenario.

I watched the girls the other night when Ashley had to run some errands. Chloe wanted to put together a Pokemon coloring book, so we got to work. I got bored after Rattata (who can blame me?), so I did some Star Wars doodling instead. "I know how to draw Tie Fighters, so we'll throw a lot of those in there." Chloe became rather agitated that I wasn't coloring more Pokemon characters (she wanted to do all 5000), and the icing on the cake was when Zoey stole my Star Wars doodles and added her own decrepit lines to it. Chloe's goal is to have the coloring book done by the summer so she can sell it. "You can't sell coloring books in the winter," she said, "because it's too cold to color." I'm not entirely sure what that means?

This afternoon Ams is going to meet the girls.

Both Chloe and Zoey have been stoked about meeting her.

I'm looking forward to all of us hanging out; I haven't seen Ams in a while.

(I'm sure I've seen her within the past week, but that's still too long!)

I've been watching Arrested Development, and I caught something peculiar:

Anchor Grill meets Arrested Development!

#bombogenesis

we're weird. and we're totally totes okay with that.

The first truly cold days of winter have arrived, and even a wee bit early. The meteorologists are calling it a bombogenesis, a blast of arctic air sweeping down from the north and turning everything into ice. "There's nothing like driving home from work in a car with a window that won't roll down, freezing your ass off, trudging up the steps to your apartment and then stepping into a blast of hot air." I strip down to my pajamas, plop onto my sofa, and read by oil lamp light or watch movies to pass the time. These are the best times of winter, made possible by vintage lamps and well-placed space heaters.

I've written on this blog how things with Ashley have kind of been "up in the air." I've been praying about it a lot, and I've come to see that the ONLY thing throwing a "wrench in the gears" is my resilient love for Mandy. Ashley has so many great qualities, and she's the sort of woman I've been praying for: she's strong in her faith, has a great personality, believes in traditional gender roles, and is supportive to a fault. We've been hanging out every day since we've met (there was one day we only hung out for ten minutes, but we still hung out), and not once have I felt unappreciated, disrespected, or uncared-for. Not once have I been filled with anxiety about her disposition towards me. We haven't had any big arguments, we both deal with conflict in healthy ways, and we're both agreeable harmony-seekers. Our relationship has been marked by peace and compassion, and I like that. 

All this to say: I may not yet be "over" Mandy, but I'm getting there. I really am. I don't dream about her anymore, or at least not as often; I don't think about her the moment I go to sleep and the moment I wake up. Yes, there are times when everything that happened still hurts A LOT. But Ashley is understanding, and I'm able to be open with her about these things. She's been through it, she knows what it's like; and she's supporting me in my own journey in getting above and beyond the Wisconsinite. One day all of that will be a half-remembered dream, and that day is approaching. Each day I'm more able to open myself up to Ashley and find peace and contentment with her. 

It's a good feeling.

It really, truly is.

[Veteran's Day]

the most offensive picture on the internet

One of the elders from Mayhill Church of Christ called me yesterday and informed me that I didn't get the votes I needed to be hired. He and all the elders are pretty upset about it. The situation is as follows: at the ninth hour, a local boy in the church announced that he felt called to preach. When the time to vote came, his friends voted No because they want him to have the position. Never mind the fact that (a) he doesn't even want the position, and (b) the elders have explicitly told him they won't hire him because he's a new Christian and they want someone more experienced both in the faith and in ministry. There's going to be a congregational meeting this Sunday, and the elders are going to "lay out" the situation as best they can, hoping that some of those who voted No will change their votes to Yes for me. "We really want you," the elder told me. "You're an excellent preacher, it's obvious you have a heart for God, and you're just what we're looking for." They're hoping I can get the votes I need, and so am I. I'm not holding out hope for it, though: it's hard for younger folk to put aside their pride and change their vote. 

Ashley and I have been praying that I'd get this position, and she's been an awesome support. I broke the news to her last night, and she was really sympathetic as I vented my frustrations about how I have a B.S. in ministry and can't even get a part-time preaching gig. "Church hunting always boils down to a popularity contest, and the voters are more fickle than Americans at a presidential election." I hate how I feel called to ministry, how preaching is one thing I do really well, and how I just can't seem to find a congregation that wants me. My email has been flooded with rejections from churches, and no matter how high I get up the ladder to being hired, I just seem to get shoved down. I really thought Mayhill would work out. I felt at peace about it, the elders were confident it was a sure thing, and this whole wrench thrown in the gears is rather discouraging. The extra eight hundred a month would've been nice, too; it sucks constantly living on fumes and forsaking groceries so that you can afford gas to go see the people you care about.

Maybe some people will change their minds Sunday, and I'll be hired. That would be phenomenal, though if that happens, I could be walking into a situation where a lot of the people dislike me by virtue of me not being the guy they wanted (who doesn't even want the position, mind you). These church politics are always so nauseating. It makes me wonder why I went to college for ministry in the first place! Oh, yeah, that's right, I feel called to it. But if you have to get on your knees and beg like a dog for God to throw you a bone, maybe it's not a calling after all. Maybe it's nothing short of wishful thinking. But that's just discouragement talking.

the 51st week

Keehner Park explorations

Monday. After coffee and scripture at The Anchor, I had a meeting at the W.O.J. HQ in Norwood. Basically I dropped all of my remote shifts. They were only a few hours each, and I actually lost money driving out to the remote sites and then driving the clients around. Now I'm just at Ridgecrest, and I'm liking it this way. Hopefully everything with Mayhill will pan out, and I'll be financially set for a little while. I'll be able to start saving again! I worked my last remote shift with the Twins in Norwood, and I was pulled over on our way to Target (I was drifting across the yellow lines). He only gave me a warning. After some time writing at The Anchor I spent the evening hanging out with Blake & Traci in Mason and seeing Ams at her apartment near Jungle Jim's.

Election Day. Chloe had the day off school, so Ashley and I took her and Zoey back to Keehner Park to explore the creek and try our hands at some new cliffs. Chloe is all about being outside and exploring, and today I taught her how to climb a tree. She'd never done it before, and she was quite ecstatic. We had lunch there at the park, and then I headed up to Blue Ash for my 2-8 PM at Ridgecrest. After work I went back by Ashley's to see her for "a little bit." She put on Sons of Anarchy and I stretched out to watch it on my side. She started scratching my head, I closed my eyes, and I fell asleep for two hours. I woke up thinking I had dozed off for a bit, and it was already 12:30 AM. And then on my drive home I got pulled over yet again. "You've got to be kidding me." He only gave me a warning: my tail lights were out.

Wednesday. I spent the morning and afternoon with Ashley and Zoey. Ashley had to run some errands in Middletown, and when we got back, she fed Zoey and put her to bed. We did our Bible study (just plowing through 2 Corinthians!), and then I worked 3-7:00 taking Jason to ballroom dancing. My evening ended watching The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug in the quiet glow of oil lamps in the Hobbit Hole (appropriate, I think!).

Thursday. I took the guys downtown instead of to the farm: we walked around the streets and stopped inside Starbucks for coffee. Carly was working, and it was great talking with her. I haven't seen her in years (probably less; but it feels like years). I headed to Ashley's after work, and we hung out with her sister for a while after the girls went to bed. Ashley may be moving in with her sister; things on the Home Front have been pretty crazy lately.

Friday. My car was dead when I woke up this morning. Ashley came down to give me a jump, and she and Zoey hung out for a while. Ams came over, too, and we watched Arrested Development. Ashley and the girls came over later in the evening for a sleepover. We watched movies, cooked steak and potatoes for dinner, and hung out until the girls collapsed from exhaustion.

Saturday. I spent the morning hanging out with Ashley and the girls at the Hobbit Hole. They left, and I watched some Arrested Development before working 5P-8AM in Blue Ash. Jason watched Galaxy Quest three times, and Ben went to a Cyclone's game.

Sunday. After a quiet night in Blue Ash, I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture before meeting up with Ashley and the girls in West Chester. We went to Christ's Church in Mason. They're kicking off their genero(city) series, and the first sermon was all about how every Christian is a missionary wherever he may find himself. A great sermon! After lunch back at Ashley's place, we took the girls to Miami Whitewater. Really trying to monopolize on the warm weather before next week's bombogenesis (yes, that's a real thing). Chloe and I explored in the woods, climbing "cliffs" and forging trails. It went well until Chloe got a cut from a briar thorn; at that point it turned into a crisis situation. We made our way out of the woods, and the four of us went to the playground. Chloe and Zoey played on the playground for about two hours, and then we walked around the lake. Zoey ran ahead and played with a fishing pole she'd found; some old guy hobbled out from the shadows screaming at her to let it go. "Jesus fucking Christ!" he shouted; and I almost shouted back, "Died for your sins!" but decided against it. We discovered a "reptile house" that also had a bunny. "Why is there a bunny in here?" Chloe asked; I replied, "Well, they have to feed the snakes somehow, don't they?" She started crying, so we left. I decided NOT to tell her I was joking. It'll toughen her up to the realities of this cold, hard world. Once the girls were in bed, Ashley met up with me at Winton Ridge, and we watched the new Walking Dead with Brandy and Amos.

[sunday meditations]

Some quotes from Soren Kierkegaard:

This much is certain: The greatest thing each person can is to give himself to God utterly and unconditionally--weakness, fears, and all. For God loves obedience more than good intentions or second-best offerings, which are all too often made under the guide of weakness.

What precisely is profound in Christianity is that Christ is both our atoner and our judge, not that one is our atoner and another our judge, for then we would nevertheless come to be judged, but that the atoner and the judge are the same.

Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can be kindled.

Present-day Christendom really lives as if the situation were as follows: Christ is the great hero and benefactor who has once and for all secured salvation for us; now we must merely be happy and delighted with the innocent goods of earthly life and leave the rest to Him. But Christ is essentially the exemplar, that is we are to resemble Him, not merely profit from Him.

The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly.

a walkeri of a post

#justbecause

I'm sitting here in the living room in Blue Ash. Ben is at a Cyclone's game. Jason is watching Galaxy Quest. It's his new favorite. I've seen it about twelve times this week.

Hopefully I'll be hearing back from Mayhill tomorrow. The congregational vote is taking place, and if 75% of the congregants approve me, I'll be offered the job (and I'll take it). My fingers are crossed and many prayers are being made for this opportunity. If I get hired, I think my first "sermon series" will be on Christian eschatology: the End Times, the Great Judgment, the resurrection of the dead, the new heavens and new earth. Maybe I'll even throw in some of my postmillennial thoughts! 

Things with Ashley have been tense. We both have our issues, mine from Mandy and hers from her ex, and that's been stressful. No one's perfect and everyone's broken. But sometimes the "brokenness" can sabotage a relationship. I'm not sure that's what's happening, but I do know my fears are growing as my awareness of the depth of my issues (as well as hers) becomes increasingly sharp. I'm not sure how this will play itself out, and it makes me anxious as hell. I talked to Jessie about how things have been going with Ashley. I told her it's been hard because I'm still in love with Mandy, and that sucks. "That does suck," she said, "but I think it just goes to show how awesome your love is. The amount that she has hurt you hasn't changed the unconditional love you have for her." I, for one, wish it did. 

But my love for her has always been resilient; a better word these days would be "terminal." I heard on the radio how most married couples remember "the one that got away," that "true love" that didn't work out, and they were talking about how they've come not to expect that. It's sad, really, how there are people you can love with every fiber of your being and never love anyone close to that amount. Maybe one day I'll be over all this, but I have a feeling that she'll always be "the one that got away," the True Love I simply couldn't hold onto despite all my efforts, sacrifices, and prayers. Don't get me wrong: I didn't love Mandy as well as she deserved, especially after the break-up. My words, born out of grief and anger, were aimed to wound. When I realized she was still reading my blog even though I made it private to prevent her from reading it (I used it as a sort of "online diary" to try to work through all the emotions), well, I kinda snapped. It kinda felt like a home invasion of sorts. All this to say, I wasn't exactly hitting the mark with loving her all the time. But I did love her, and part of me, at the least, still does. And that's causing a hell of a lot of problems with Ashley and me.

your brain (on porn)

The desire to pursue sex comes from a neurochemical called dopamine. Dopamine isn't a chemical that gives us pleasure; rather, it's a chemical that makes us seek pleasure. The "good feelings" we get after we catch what we're seeking are caused by opioids. Dopamine--the chemical that causes us to crave and search after what we want--is stronger than the opioids. Addiction is virtually wanting run amok.

Dopamine lusts after novelty. In test studies on male rats, the rat's reward circuitry began pumping out less and less dopamine with the current female in the cage. When a new female was introduced, the dopamine surged through the roof. Human beings aren't that different from rats in this regard: less dopamine is released in regards to a man's wife than is in regards to his neighbor's wife. Australian researchers showed an erotic film to a group of men and measured their arousal; as they grew accustomed to the film, they were less and less aroused. When a new eroticism was introduced, their arousal shot sky high. All this comes into play with internet porn because internet porn is never short on novelty. The dopamine keeps on squirting as you flip through image after image, and this can actually alter the physiological condition of your brain. 

Desensitization is what happens when the dopamine and dopamine receptors decline in the brain's complex reward circuitry. The result is that the porn addict is less sensitive to pleasure: because he has seen so many naked women, they don't bring his brain pleasure anymore. He wants that dopamine kick, so he escalates in what he watches. When you take a sexual act that is forbidden, or fear-producing, it gives off a bigger chemical kick. This is why someone who gets into pornography watching naked women shower together can end up not being able to feel aroused unless he's watching violent rape scenes, little children, or sexual acts outside the bounds of his own orientation. (It's important to note that when a straight man can't get aroused unless he's watching gay porn, it isn't because his orientation has changed; rather, it's a product of desensitization, which CAN be reversed) The desensitized addict is gradually escalating in the content of what it takes to get that "kick," and the usual day-to-day pleasure of life seem drab in comparison to pornography.

Sensitization isn't the opposite of desensitization. It's what happens when anything affiliated with an addict's addiction is more compelling than anything else. The nerve connections in the brain's reward circuitry are rewired to come alive with any addiction-related thoughts or cues. The addict thus becomes hyperactive towards anything associated with that addiction. Many porn addicts have reported becoming aroused when they step into a room with a computer. 

Hypofrontality is far more physiological than the preceding two effects of binging on pornography. The gray- and white-matter in the frontal-lobe are reduced, resulting in a reduced ability to exercise self-control as well as a weakened ability to foresee consequences for your actions.

In these ways (and many others) the brain literally changes due to consuming pornography. The extreme novelty of internet porn (the ability to look at anything you want as fast as you want) results in addicts reporting not feeling aroused for "real sex," and even suffering pornography-induced impotence. It's no surprise, then, that copulatory impotence (being able to "get it up" for porn, but not for partners) is so frequent. Other symptoms of "watching too much porn" or "masturbating too much"* include delayed ejaculation, little satisfaction (the more you seek satisfaction, the less satisfaction you actually find), worsening social anxiety and lack of confidence, erectile dysfunction, morphing porn tastes that don't match your orientation, an inability to concentrate, restlessness, depression, anxiety, and brain fog. Many of these aren't connected to the pornography directly but are caused by the altered dopamine and dopamine receptors in the brain. 

11/06/14

Ashley and I had yet another talk. I feel like things are going too fast. We have only known each other for a little over a month. It's too early to say "I love you." How can you possibly know you love someone in that amount of time? She doesn't like the fact that I seem reserved in my verbal affections. She wants me to tell her that I love her, that I want to spend my life with her, that I want to be the father her girls never had. She wants me to tell her those things because she wants those things. And I refuse to say those things, because those kinds of words carry a weight unexpected. I'm not at that point yet. I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I don't know if I want to be the father her girls never had, though I believe they deserve a wonderful father. 

I told her that I've been down this road before. I've been told things that I cherished, only to have them come back around and cause me enormous pain. I've been told things that shouldn't have been said, that should be reserved for a different level of commitment. When you love someone and they speak to that love, and when you believe the things they say, and when they turn their back on that love, it makes you question everything. I don't want to say anything to her I don't know 100%, and I don't want her to say things just because she "feels" them. Talk is cheap, and often meaningless. 

She told Chloe, "Anthony is an answer to our prayers." I hated the fact that she said that. Mandy told me that multiple times. I believed it. If Ashley believes it, and if Chloe believes it, and this turns out not to work, then such words become cutting and even damning. God will be blamed for what could amount to nothing more than a common occurrence in the minefields of dating. Juxtaposing God on top of it all, as we Christians are so keen to do, sets the stage for much praise or disappointment. Dating's already hard enough, the risks are already scary; why bring God into it and make it that much harder?

I'm writing this and seeing just how different I've become since Mandy. Yes, some things are better; other things, not so much. I am terrified of even considering love. I don't want her to tell me she loves me. I don't want her to tell me she thinks I'd be a great father for her children. I don't want her to think long-term. Long-term is scary, it's risky, and I've talked like that before, I've believed like that before, and I've seen what it can do. Thoughtless words and the risk they pose shouldn't be taken lightly. There's always a price to pay. There's no guarantee that things with Ashley will work, and it terrifies me that she wants a guarantee. I can't give her that guarantee. I won't be like the Wisconsinite, who praised me and her love for me, who spoke of Our Future as if it were a given thing, and then in the next minute reiterated, "There's no guarantees." If there aren't any guarantees, she shouldn't have said so much. Mandy was right: there are no guarantees. And I'm not going to bleed Ashley's heart by telling her what she wants to hear in one breath and then throwing a question mark over it in the next.

on divorce and remarriage

#snapshotsfromTheFarm

At the "position interview" with Mayhill this past Sunday, they asked me if I would marry a couple if there's a divorce in either of their pasts. This is a pretty touchy topic, and a lot of pastors refuse to even consider marrying divorcees. I replied that I would do so under one condition: that the past divorce was a justified divorce. 

A minority of Christians believe there is no justified divorce. Marriage is a lifelong covenant, after all; and isn't Jesus pretty clear? In both Luke 16 and Mark 10, Jesus says that to divorce and remarry is to become an adulterer. The conviction that (a) there is no such thing as a justifiable divorce and that (b) remarriage after divorce is tantamount to idolatry by virtue of the indissolubility of marriage, doesn't do justice to the biblical texts and reflects an early church asceticism which Paul fought against in 1 Corinthians 7 and elsewhere. A much longer post is in the works for explaining why I think this is the case. For now, I'll content myself to establish what I believe (in a proverbial nutshell).

The Old Testament Law dealt with two types of divorce: the divorce that was justifiable and the divorce that was unjustifiable (Deut 24.1, and Deut 24.3; Mal 2.16, respectively). Divorce was justifiable in the Old Testament due to "some uncleanness" on the part of the spouse who was being divorced. By Jesus' day, Jewish teachers had gone so far as to say that a divorce was justifiable if the wife burnt the husband's dinner or over-salted his soup. In Luke and Mark, Jesus says that anyone who marries a divorcee is guilty of adultery; in Matthew 5 and 19, Jesus says the same thing with an exception: and that exception is sexual immorality (Greek porneia). Jesus says that if a man divorces his wife, except in the case of sexual immorality, he is committing adultery (verse 9). Those who say that divorce is never justifiable base their claims off Mark and Luke; however, Jesus' absolutism in those texts shouldn't be taken literally if, elsewhere, we take his absolutisms figuratively. Furthermore, to uphold Jesus' absolutism in Mark and Luke is to brush aside his words in Matthew 19. Scripture must interpret scripture, and it is most plausible that Jesus did see divorce in the context of sexual immorality as justifiable on the part of the one sinned against. Interestingly, the way he phrases his words in Matthew 19 strike a sharp contrast against even the strictest of Jewish religious leaders: divorce in the context of adultery was mandatory in Jewish law, but Jesus says that it is merely permissible: in the case of adultery, the spouses should offer forgiveness and seek reconciliation. But if reconciliation is impossible, divorce is justified.

You can believe divorce is justified while believing remarriage is adultery (even though this goes against what Jesus says in Matthew 19). Those who argue thus will do so from the assumption that the marriage covenant is indissoluble; however, a covenant in the biblical sense is not indissoluble. This assumption is built on a belief that the marriage bond isn't covenantal but metaphysical, and this takes place because of a misreading of the "one flesh" text in Genesis 2.23-24 and Jesus' own echo of that passage in Matthew 19. Covenants were ratified by oaths (they could be verbal, but most of the time they were symbolic); when it comes to marriage, we see Adam's verbal ratifying oath in his declaration that Eve has become his flesh; and we see the symbolic ratifying oath in the actual sexual consummation. What we find in Matthew 19 is that sexual promiscuity attacks the very substance of the marriage covenant. Because sexual union is the means of consummating marriage in both the Old Testament and ancient Near East, sexual infidelity is a particularly heinous violation of the marriage covenant, a sin against the covenant partner and against God. Jesus seems to be saying in Matthew 19 that sexual infidelity strikes at the heart of the marriage covenant, and divorce in that case is justified, and the divorcee who was sinned against is free to remarry. Thus I believe that it is biblically justifiable to divorce an adulterous spouse and to remarry without becoming an adulterer yourself.

In 1 Corinthians 7.15, Paul addresses the issue of a Christian spouse being divorced by a non-Christian spouse. In this case, is the spouse allowed to remarry? It's important to note that Paul is adamant that the believing spouse is not to seek divorce from the unbelieving spouse; but if the unbelieving spouse abandons the believing spouse, then the believing spouse is free to marry. The essential formula in a Jewish bill of divorce were the words "you are free to any man"; Paul employs a reworking of this formula here: his negative formulation (in such cases the brother or the siste is not enslaved) makes the same point as the positive formulation in the Jewish bill of divorce (you are free to marry any man). The language Paul uses was used in ancient divorce contracts, and his ancient readers would've understood him to be giving a Green Light to remarry for those whose unbelieving spouses had abandoned them. Those who believe that Paul is not saying this have a lot of exegetical hurdles to leap, because, in the words of one theologian, "If Paul meant that remarriage wasn't permitted, he said precisely the opposite of what he meant." Thus I see remarriage as A-OK for both (a) those who have gone through a biblical divorce, and (b) those whose unbelieving spouses have abandoned them.

Both sexual infidelity and abandonment strike at two of the main components of the marriage covenant seen in Genesis 2: becoming "one flesh" and "leaving and cleaving." Biblical covenants can be broken. When they are broken, the guilty party stands condemned and under judgment (Mal 2.16). The innocent party, however, isn't constrained by the hardheartedness of the other spouse: the innocent party is allowed to remarry. I would go so far as to say that ministers who have experienced a failed marriage in the context of a justifiable divorce, and who may or may not have remarried, shouldn't be barred from ministerial offices. The "husband of one wife" requirements found in the pastoral letters echo a common ancient phrase that simply means "faithful to his marriage." A divorcee may have been faithful in his or her marriage, regardless of its dissolution, and would thus not be disqualified.

Those who believe that divorce is never justified or that remarriage is always adultery should take another look at the biblical texts: to be more conservative than Jesus is to cease being conservative and to be Pharisaical. Those ministers who refuse to even consider marrying someone who has been divorced aren't acting in wisdom but outside the bounds of love. Jesus approves remarriage after a divorce contextualized by sexual infidelity, and Saint Paul approves remarriage after abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. We simply can't shuffle these facts away, and we certainly shouldn't be unloving towards our brothers and sisters who have experienced failed marriages due to their ex-spouse's hardness of heart. With all of that said, I believe divorce is a last resort that is simultaneously an admission of defeat. Divorce should be avoided at all costs; reconciliation should persistently be pursued; but when reconciliation is impossible, divorce in the context of sexual immorality or abandonment is permitted. We who haven't experienced such things shouldn't be so quick to judge.