Last night was amazing. Ashley, Forest and I loaded up in my Jeep and drove to the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Gardens for the annual Festival of Lights. While the laser light show absolutely sucked, the exhibits were amazing with all the snow everywhere. The lights in the trees and on the statues and such sparkled on the surface of the snow. As I walked along, I felt my heart beat, felt God's presence, and felt the Kingdom more than ever. Surrounded by animals of God's creation, one can't help but to be humbled by God's power and beauty. Speaking of animals, I just have to mention this: in the penguin exhibit, there were Christmas lights organized in penguin patterns, and these lights were hanging over the exhibit. All seven of the penguins were just sitting in one spot and staring at the lights, flapping their wings, refusing to move. I find that hilarious.

I didn't go to Southwest today because I am here studying for my exams. Today is dedicated to my Acts of the Apostles exam tomorrow. I should do pretty good; I have a good grasp on the topical subjects and I've got (almost) all of the scripture memorization completed. I am going to study here again in a few minutes, and tonight, Forest, Ashley, Monica and I are heading out to Applebee's for a bite to eat and some hardcore studying.

I've been dying to write fiction lately. I am thinking about writing a small romantic tragedy that is hopeful at the end. Kind of like Flowers Quickly Fading, except without the morose and unhappy ending. Flowers Quickly Fading is doing almost as good--even a little better!--than my "hit" 36 Hours, so I know I'm at least decent at this kind of writing.

Last weekend was one of the most enjoyable weekends of my life. While it didn't last, for three days I felt complete. God has made me romantic. It is hard to be desperately romantic but to have no one to romance. It is hard to be a hopeless romantic and feel so alone. It is hard, for being alone, being without a girl to romance, feels incomplete; no surprise, for you truly are incomplete. Last weekend, I felt complete. I felt complete because I longed for and desired a girl in a romantic--note: not sensual--way; what made it complete, however, was that--for all my knowledge--she longed for and desired me in the same way. That was completion. The news on Monday hurt so much because suddenly the paradise of completeness was replaced with the hell of being incomplete. No wonder I shed tears. Going from complete to incomplete in a second is akin to your arm being suddenly ripped off in a wood-chip-grinder. It is literally painful. All who are heartbroken know this.

The pain hasn't diminished. It has, however, shrunken to the size it's been most of my life. Still there, still painful, but submerged. One day it will be erased and I will be complete. When I woke up last Saturday morning at her house, I felt complete. It was a joyful, holistic reunion with the way life is meant to be lived. It was the Psalm 40 life. One day I will experience the Psalm 40 life again. As I told Jessica, I put my hope, my trust, and myself into God. As I walk in the valley, I am still able to be thankful, and thankfulness flows from my heart:

I am thankful that many of my friends here on campus are taking their dream-girls to the Festival of Lights. Way-to-go, guys. I've been praying for them all in this area and it just makes me so happy that they're going to be going on dates with the girls of their dreams.

I am thankful for all my friends: Amanda, Ashlie, Chris, Lee, Pat, Caleb, John, Forest, Brian, to name a few. I take them for granted to much. I'm sorry!

I am thankful for my awesome Mom and Dad. They're just that cool and that wonderful.

I am thankful that God has answered one of my biggest prayers ever. My constant cry, my "persevering widow" prayer--that God would take away my acne--has been answered for several months now. When I realized it, I felt horrible, because I had never really thanked Him. I know that when I find the girl of my dreams, I will dote on her and love her and spoil her and treat her right and thank God for her with my every breath!

You are reading the blog of a very blessed child of God, even if he doesn't see it all the time!

another conversation

During D-Group, my good friend and D-Group leader Caleb secretly texted me on my phone and said, "Stay after everyone leaves." I texted him back: "O.K." Once everyone departed, the door was shut and I took a set across from Caleb. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Dude. You're not all right and I can tell. You're not leaving until you talk to me about it." He knew I was comfortable with him, and I said, "I didn't bring it up in D-Group because I didn't really know all the other guys as much as I know you, and I'm thankful that you've-" He cut me off. "Talk." So I told him what was going on.

I told him all about the whole Ashley ordeal. I don't want anyone reading this blog to think that I don't like her. I'm not mad at her at all. I have given forgiveness where it is needed, and I still enjoy being her friend. It will take me some time, however, to get over what happened last weekend and culminated in an unfavorable way on Monday. I told him how I wept three times, and said, "But it wasn't really over Ashley. It was just frustration with God, you know? I mean, why has He made me like this, then left me alone? Why does He flaunt what I want so badly before my eyes, and not let me really experience it? Why does He allow me to taste what I want so deeply, then allow her to be taken away from me? Honestly, Man, I'm just so ticked off right now. I'm ticked off at God and I told Him so and why. I don't think it's a sin. I'm just being real with Him. He knows this already, it's not like a secret or anything."

We talked for a while and Caleb brought up many good points. We came to the hypothetical conclusion together: "Ashley is a gift to me. I just understood the gift wrongly and pursued her in a way I wasn't supposed to. God knows how He has made my heart, and He doesn't want me to give my heart to the girl who is not 'the one.' Because Ashley isn't 'the one,' He did what He had to do. He did it out of love, but it still hurt Him to see me hurt. He's just protecting me, protecting me from taking what isn't mine, and missing out on the one who is... He knows I can't see the whole picture, and He knows that when I finally find 'the one,' I will look back at this and say, 'Thank God that didn't work out.'" This is a hypothetical idea and I've no idea if it's right or not, but at least it brings some [possible] answers.

One of the things that Caleb said really brought me a lot of comfort. God has spoken to us both in so many different ways--through the scriptures, circumstances, conversations, to name a few--that He has a wonderful girl for us both. Right now, we don't know who that girl is. We may know her, we may not know her. God knows who she is. Right now I'm in a valley, and one day I will be on the mountaintop with 'the one.' I will look back and see the beautiful masterpiece of mountains and valleys, and I will be thankful for each, for each has contributed in some way to my [future] intimacy with my wife. This whole ordeal will be but one valley in the midst of a mountain range. I will hold my wife tight and kiss her and thank God that she is the one. I will thank God for the masterpiece He created out of my life, and I will thank Him for the hard times, too. We closed off the night by praying for each other and praying for God's protection and blessings on our future wives, wherever and whoever they are.

One day I will read Psalm 40 and it will no longer be prophetic, but historical. One day I will share a beautiful family with a beautiful wife and have beautiful kids. My life will be the Psalm 16 life (read it in The Message version), and I will echo up Psalm 40 as a prayer of thanks every night:

I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the LORD. - Psalm 40:1-3, NKJV

a conversation

Tonight I went to God in prayer for a good measure of time and just cried out for His voice in these trying times. His voice came through several times, through scripture and song. The invitation Jesus gave in Matthew 11:28-30 came to me, and I accepted and went to Him for rest. I cried out, wondering where He's been this entire time, and He's replied, "I'm here, holding you, kissing you, crying with you, even washing your feet." He's told me, "Just wait. Your time is coming. She's coming. Things will get better." And with a wink, "A LOT better!"

As I was praying for God's voice, this song came to my ear. It is Creed's Lullaby, and I believe it is God and my's way of talking to me through this troubling time:

GOD: Hush my love, now, don't you cry. Everything will be all right. Close your eyes and drift in dream. Rest in peaceful sleep. If there's one thing I hope I showed you: just give love to all.

ME: Oh my love... in my arms tight. Everyday you give me life. As I drift off to your world, I will rest in peaceful sleep. I know there's one thing that you showed me: just give love to all. Let's give love to all.

Several weeks ago I spoke at Fuel and talked about why I love Jesus. I didn't go into any theology, really, because theology isn't why I love Jesus at all. I love theology because of my love for Jesus. As I stood in front of all those kids and told them why I love Jesus, I told them that I love Him because He comes to me in my suffering, and He suffers with me. He doesn't always give me all the answers, but He kneels beside me, and as tears slide down His cheeks as He sees me suffering, He whispers, "I love you. I love you so much." He comes to me again and whispers: "Shhh. Don't cry, my Love. Everything will be all right. My Father knew this would happen, and yet He has given you a promise: you will experience what you desire so much. You must wait a little longer. It breaks His heart to see you like this, but everything will be okay."

Today hasn't been such a good day. In fact, in all reality, today was probably the worst day I've had in a few years. It all started out great. I woke up with a smile on my face and headed out the door. I sat beside Ashley in Acts class and she seemed a little distant; something didn't rest right. She was quiet throughout the rest of the morning, but I didn't think much of it. "She's just tired." Around 1:00 P.M., she sent me a text message that pretty much said that she didn't want to date at all. She'd changed her mind about the whole thing.

I have thought Ashley was pretty since the first day I saw her during Early Week. I always wanted to talk to her but could never spurn the courage. Sometime in October, she and I started talking once she initiated it. I already thought she was pretty, but as I got to know her, I liked her more and more. I didn't think she liked me, and through a weird twist and turn of events, she came to know. She told me she liked me, too, and we talked till 5:00 Friday morning. I wanted to be sure she really liked me, and that she liked me more than she liked other boys. She pretty much said yes. The next weekend I went to her hometown in Indiana. Her family and friends loved me and we spent a lot of time together. I came to like her even more. Things were looking up for this week and I dared to believe that things were about to change. I thanked God for bringing her into my life and I thanked Him for finally lending an ear to five years of prayers for help. And then today I heard the news that, no, things weren't changing.

The fact that she "changed her mind" because she liked someone else more hurts. The fact that I thought that there was something special brewing, then shown that I was wrong, hurts. But that's not what hurts the most. What hurts the most is that for five years, I've desired romance. I've desired to share in one of these special relationships. My hand-written journals record my struggles and my tears as I crave a girl to treat right and to love with a real love, but I see all my friends leaving me alone for their girls, and then--on top of that!--I am forced to watch as those who only use girls as sex-toys use and abuse them. It makes me angry that God will let them get away with it but won't let me treat a girl right. For five years I've prayed that my fate would change, that things would change. Without this romance, I feel empty, hollow, incomplete, and it hurts. I am made for this kind of relationship. It's how God has designed me. For five years I prayed for this, and beginning in October, I thought God was beginning to act.

It really, truly hurts me. As I drove home for Applebee's with my sister and my best friend Chris, I wept. I wept because I don't understand why God makes me like this, makes it to where I hurt when I am alone. I wept because I don't understand why he will make me like this and then seemingly abandon me to suffer. I wept because I don't understand why he put Ashley into my life, gave me sweet tastes of what I have always desired, then tore her away or at least allowed her to be torn away at the last moment, only increasing my sufferings. Yesterday I wept tears of joy; today I wept tears of sorrow.

I am so thankful for so many great friends here on campus who are beside me in my pain: John, Caleb, Brian, Forest, to name a few. And I am especially thankful for Mom and Dad, who called repeatedly until I succumbed to answer my phone. I am thankful for Mom, who embraced me and shared my pain. I am thankful for my dear little sister and for my best friend Chris, who took me out to eat, paying the bill. Through all these people I don't find the answers to my questions (questions that all revolve around why???), but I experience the love of God coming through, embracing me, and experiencing the sorrow alongside me.

At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light. A silver lining sometimes isn't enough to make some wrongs seem right. At times life's unfair and you know: it's plain to see. 'Hey, God, I know I'm just a dot in this world; have you forgot about me?' Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, and now I'm on my knees again. But I know I must go on. Although I hurt I must be strong, because inside I know that many feel this way. - Creed, Don't Stop Dancing

Friday afternoon before I headed out for Indiana, Brian and I were sitting in his room and the question arose: "What happened during Jesus' childhood?" For me at least, it's an intriguing question. We really don't know a whole lot, in the sense that the gospels are quiet. What do we know?

We know that Jesus' father was a carpenter, but the word used in the gospels could also refer to a brick-layer. Interestingly enough, Herod was building lots of works for Rome in Judea; I wonder, is it possible that some of the remains could've been built by Jesus' hands? We know that by the age of twelve, Jesus was amazing the religious leaders of his day with his awe-inspiring knowledge and insight. We know that from age twelve to approximately age thirty, nothing of Jesus is mentioned. Yet we do know this: the last thing we see of Jesus is a pure identification of his person, but his status is still just a young boy. When we come to see him again in the gospels, he is a man and referred to as Rabbi.

This is what I believe: I don't think Jesus knew who He really was when He came out of the womb. In entering the space-time fabric of the universe, not being transcendant of it as he had always been, he was forced to set aside some of his divine attributes while still being himself. Like all Jewish boys, he would've gone to school and been learned in the Torah, the Jewish Bible, which is the first five books of the Old Testament. I imagine, as he read these and memorized them easily, he began to see the scriptures in a new light, was able to see the foundation behind them all--love!--and I believe he came to understand who he was: God in human flesh.

I asked Brian, "What would it be like to be Jesus at age ten or eleven and understand--really understand--for the first time that I am God. What would that be like? What would it feel like to look at the people around you, the world you bathe in, the stars above your head, and think, Wow. I am God. I have created all of this. How crazy would it be to be twelve years old and know this?"

I believe he came to identify himself as God and his mission unfolded. He knew why he was here. He came to grips with it and his parents affirmed it. I believe he took his first step by proclaiming that he was the Deliverer (Luke 4). I believe that he was both man and God. It's really crazy to think about and I don't pretend to really be able to wrap my head around it all.

Just some off-hand thoughts. I must get ready for Applebee's tonite. Brian, Caleb, Cassie, Heather, and me and Ashley are all going out. Should be a fun time. Good night!

P.S. Indiana was amazing. We took pictures and I will post them sometime this week!

I know it's late... 4 o'clock actually... But I am skipping my morning classes tomorrow so I can get some needed sleep for my big weekend vacation. I am throwing off the reigns of 412 duties and not returning to Springboro. One of my good friends, Ashley, has a birthday today--19!!!--and me and two of her other friends are traveling to El Nora, Indiana to "party it up." Basically we're just going to be hanging out Saturday, going to the Bass Pro Shop (which Brian tells me is awesome), and after Church gathering on Sunday, we're driving back here to C.C.U. I'm looking forward to it.

How has life been for Anthony? My intimacy with God is deepening, as it should be. Some days are better than others, sure, but everyday that is a struggle is also an opportunity to embrace God and just let Him come in and redeem the tears. I am thankful for God gifting me with so many good friends here. As my circle of friends widen, I am overly thankful that God has given me out of them all a handful of people with whom I can just share the deep pains and joys of my life, my bitter secrets and my happiest daydreams. Even though exams are coming up and tensions are high, I'm able to wear a smile on my face and joy on my sleeve.

I am thankful that I've got a job at I.G.A. over Christmas break. I never thought I would say that I was thankful for having a job at I.G.A., but I am. I need the money badly. Mom and Dad warned me about spending too much of my money, and I thought I could handle it. I was most definitely wrong. I pulled the no-surprise college-freshman stunt and all but bankrupted my account. My head falls in shame and I vow to never let my kids have more than two hundred dollars in their bank accounts per semester. They can live off that, they really can. The rest is spent on needless accessories. It sucks to be bankrupt. At least, I guess, I'm not in debt.

Some upcoming things on which I probably will be spending money: Seeing The Chronicles of Narnia, Applebee's to celebrate Ashley's birthday (sometime next week probably), maybe the movie Walk the Line (I'm a big Johnny Cash fan!), and I might also go to the Festival of Lights at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Gardens. We college kids get free tickets but parking is seven bucks. By then I'll be cramming for exams then packing for home.