During D-Group, my good friend and D-Group leader Caleb secretly texted me on my phone and said, "Stay after everyone leaves." I texted him back: "O.K." Once everyone departed, the door was shut and I took a set across from Caleb. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Dude. You're not all right and I can tell. You're not leaving until you talk to me about it." He knew I was comfortable with him, and I said, "I didn't bring it up in D-Group because I didn't really know all the other guys as much as I know you, and I'm thankful that you've-" He cut me off. "Talk." So I told him what was going on.
I told him all about the whole Ashley ordeal. I don't want anyone reading this blog to think that I don't like her. I'm not mad at her at all. I have given forgiveness where it is needed, and I still enjoy being her friend. It will take me some time, however, to get over what happened last weekend and culminated in an unfavorable way on Monday. I told him how I wept three times, and said, "But it wasn't really over Ashley. It was just frustration with God, you know? I mean, why has He made me like this, then left me alone? Why does He flaunt what I want so badly before my eyes, and not let me really experience it? Why does He allow me to taste what I want so deeply, then allow her to be taken away from me? Honestly, Man, I'm just so ticked off right now. I'm ticked off at God and I told Him so and why. I don't think it's a sin. I'm just being real with Him. He knows this already, it's not like a secret or anything."
We talked for a while and Caleb brought up many good points. We came to the hypothetical conclusion together: "Ashley is a gift to me. I just understood the gift wrongly and pursued her in a way I wasn't supposed to. God knows how He has made my heart, and He doesn't want me to give my heart to the girl who is not 'the one.' Because Ashley isn't 'the one,' He did what He had to do. He did it out of love, but it still hurt Him to see me hurt. He's just protecting me, protecting me from taking what isn't mine, and missing out on the one who is... He knows I can't see the whole picture, and He knows that when I finally find 'the one,' I will look back at this and say, 'Thank God that didn't work out.'" This is a hypothetical idea and I've no idea if it's right or not, but at least it brings some [possible] answers.
One of the things that Caleb said really brought me a lot of comfort. God has spoken to us both in so many different ways--through the scriptures, circumstances, conversations, to name a few--that He has a wonderful girl for us both. Right now, we don't know who that girl is. We may know her, we may not know her. God knows who she is. Right now I'm in a valley, and one day I will be on the mountaintop with 'the one.' I will look back and see the beautiful masterpiece of mountains and valleys, and I will be thankful for each, for each has contributed in some way to my [future] intimacy with my wife. This whole ordeal will be but one valley in the midst of a mountain range. I will hold my wife tight and kiss her and thank God that she is the one. I will thank God for the masterpiece He created out of my life, and I will thank Him for the hard times, too. We closed off the night by praying for each other and praying for God's protection and blessings on our future wives, wherever and whoever they are.
One day I will read Psalm 40 and it will no longer be prophetic, but historical. One day I will share a beautiful family with a beautiful wife and have beautiful kids. My life will be the Psalm 16 life (read it in The Message version), and I will echo up Psalm 40 as a prayer of thanks every night:
I told him all about the whole Ashley ordeal. I don't want anyone reading this blog to think that I don't like her. I'm not mad at her at all. I have given forgiveness where it is needed, and I still enjoy being her friend. It will take me some time, however, to get over what happened last weekend and culminated in an unfavorable way on Monday. I told him how I wept three times, and said, "But it wasn't really over Ashley. It was just frustration with God, you know? I mean, why has He made me like this, then left me alone? Why does He flaunt what I want so badly before my eyes, and not let me really experience it? Why does He allow me to taste what I want so deeply, then allow her to be taken away from me? Honestly, Man, I'm just so ticked off right now. I'm ticked off at God and I told Him so and why. I don't think it's a sin. I'm just being real with Him. He knows this already, it's not like a secret or anything."
We talked for a while and Caleb brought up many good points. We came to the hypothetical conclusion together: "Ashley is a gift to me. I just understood the gift wrongly and pursued her in a way I wasn't supposed to. God knows how He has made my heart, and He doesn't want me to give my heart to the girl who is not 'the one.' Because Ashley isn't 'the one,' He did what He had to do. He did it out of love, but it still hurt Him to see me hurt. He's just protecting me, protecting me from taking what isn't mine, and missing out on the one who is... He knows I can't see the whole picture, and He knows that when I finally find 'the one,' I will look back at this and say, 'Thank God that didn't work out.'" This is a hypothetical idea and I've no idea if it's right or not, but at least it brings some [possible] answers.
One of the things that Caleb said really brought me a lot of comfort. God has spoken to us both in so many different ways--through the scriptures, circumstances, conversations, to name a few--that He has a wonderful girl for us both. Right now, we don't know who that girl is. We may know her, we may not know her. God knows who she is. Right now I'm in a valley, and one day I will be on the mountaintop with 'the one.' I will look back and see the beautiful masterpiece of mountains and valleys, and I will be thankful for each, for each has contributed in some way to my [future] intimacy with my wife. This whole ordeal will be but one valley in the midst of a mountain range. I will hold my wife tight and kiss her and thank God that she is the one. I will thank God for the masterpiece He created out of my life, and I will thank Him for the hard times, too. We closed off the night by praying for each other and praying for God's protection and blessings on our future wives, wherever and whoever they are.
One day I will read Psalm 40 and it will no longer be prophetic, but historical. One day I will share a beautiful family with a beautiful wife and have beautiful kids. My life will be the Psalm 16 life (read it in The Message version), and I will echo up Psalm 40 as a prayer of thanks every night:
I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the LORD. - Psalm 40:1-3, NKJV
1 comment:
Anth,
Thank God for a friend like Caleb (even though he busted your laptop)!
I have often been mad at God and I have told him, loudly, how I felt. He seems to listen patiently, let me blow off steam, and ultimately I come to realize He could see further into the future than I could or wanted to see.
Be patient (I know it is no fun), keep the faith, and keep telling God exactly how you feel. Its not like He doesn't know what we are thinking/feeling, so why not show Him our trust in Him by sharing those feelings - whether we are praising Him or telling Him we are mad at Him.
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