Monica and Jessica Cadwell—two friends from my school—taught the Jr. High class for a school project. While I don’t know Jessica that well, she seems like a pretty cool girl. I embraced the opportunity to teach the High School students, and I taught on the “Red Sea Showdown” between Yahweh and the Egyptian goddess Hathor. Because of the parent-child dedication, we only had thirty minutes to teach instead of fifty, so I was forced to rush the story and the questions, and I felt like it had come out as rubbish (depressing, because I was really excited to teach this lesson). My spirits were lifted, however, when I learned that many new kids enjoyed it, Jackie was focused, and Megan found it extremely interesting. Nathan told me the lesson was amazing: “My dad is a youth minister, and he’s never done a lesson that well.” I don’t see how they liked it so much, because I felt rushed and pressed-for-time, but I guess GOD had my back. It is encouraging to see that He still works through me despite my imperfections. As I dismissed them, I closed with this: “Just as the Egyptians worshipped many different gods, so we, too, worship many different gods today. We worship the god of wealth, the god of money, and the god of pleasure. However, these gods do not hold any power, and those who worship them will find no fulfillment. Life is found only in the true God, Yahweh, so serve Him and dedicate your lives to Him.”

As I said, it is encouraging that GOD works through me despite my imperfections. When I look at my life, I see all of the dirt, all of the depravity, all of the sin. I have conquered some sins, but more have simply grown up in their spot. If it is not lust I wrestle with, it is anger or pride. I find it beautiful that GOD forgives my sin, pulls me into His arms, and tenderly whispers, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” How can I not be inspired to run after Him and dedicate my life to Him? David Crowder catches it best in his song Wholly Yours: “But the harder I try, the more clearly can I feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all; and this might could be the most impossible thing: Your grandness in me making me clean.” GOD has called me to His work despite my imperfections; how can I not fall to my knees in worship of such a crazy, insane, loving God?

So I have given up trying to understand how we humans have free will and yet GOD controls everything. I'm just going to accept that it's a paradox (Dr. Weatherly: "If you want a faith without paradox, become a Muslim.") and move on. Somehow GOD has given we feeble humans the ability to make our own decisions, make our own judgments, make our own mistakes, and live life as we please; and somehow He still ordains certain things to happen and they happen. I'm not going to pretend to understand it. That's that.

I went home for a few hours today: Ams and I ate Chinese food, Ashlie and Megan came over, and I worked on my lesson for tomorrow. I drove to Beavercreak, picked up Monica from a retreat, got lost in the woods, then finally made it back here to C.C.U. I am returning to Springboro for a few hours tomorrow to teach on the Exodus (the battle of the gods!) and enjoy some grilled hamburgers. I am teaching Sr. High, and Monica is teaching Jr. High. I'm excited to teach the Sr. High; my passion lies more with them than it does the Jr. High students. I have to get up around 8:30 tomorrow, so I should be getting to bed. My advice? Read Exodus 12-15.

I am seriously considering getting a Master of Arts in Old Testament studies. I'd be able to translate Hebrew. That in itself would be worth the extra two years!

When I say "I am a christian" I'm not trying to be strong. I am professing I'm weak and need his strength to carry on. When I say "I am a christian" I am not bragging of success. I am admitting that I have failed and need God to clean my mess. When I say "I am a christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect, my flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it. When I say "I am a christian" I still feel the sting of pain. I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon his name. When I say "I am a christian" I'm not holier than thou, I'm just a simple sinner who received God's grace somehow. - an anonymous poem

We need to remember who we are.

Tonight I am going to the Reds game with Brian, Megan, and Cassie. Cassie convinced me to go; I was planning on writing my last English assignment tonight during the Reds. Cassie and her cousin Monica lost their uncle yesterday; both are going through a rough time right now. Tomorrow I am going to write the English paper then head up to Springboro to eat lunch with Ams, hang out for a while, then drive to Beavercreak to pick up a friend before returning to C.C.U. Tomorrow I teach the Senior High kids; the lesson is on the Crossing of the Red Sea. It's a chilling story when you really look at it.

Yesterday evening I went to Mt. Echo for some time of prayer and meditation. I met a young man from the Price Hill area, and so I sat down on a picnic bench and we talked. He threw back some beer and lit up a cigarette, and our conversation ultimately turned to women. He is a man who has been hurt by women over and over; right now, his aching heart has been drawn into the arms of multiple women. He told me over and over, "There are no good women in the world, they're all wicked. Every one of them is wicked." I gracefully objected, telling him, "There are lots of bad women out there, but there are lots of good ones, too. Not all men are good, either; there are lots of bad men, too." I don't know if my words helped any; the man had just discovered that his wife was cheating on him, and this led him to cheat on her, and he just needed someone to listen to him and show genuine care.

We talked about the cold realities of life as well. Life has thrown him some bitter cards, and he said, "When life's crap hits the roof, there are three ways we respond: we either fight through it, we deal with it, or we escape." He talked about how he desperately wants to save up money, leap into his car, and drive to the tropics to be a beach bum. I agreed with him: sometimes the idea of escape sounds wonderful! He was a wise man in many accounts; he told me, "You're young, you're filled with dreams, and that's great, but life isn't like that. Life is hard. Life sucks. Life doesn't play according to your dreams." Sometimes I think that's the way it works, though I know that the truth is that our dreams serve more as echoes of our destinies than they do our futures in this lifetime.

I don't know what the future holds for me, and I wish I could decide exactly how my life would plan out, but the truth is, I don't have a clue what will happen. Everything is up in the air. All my plans are for naught--life will come at me as it will. In a sense, this is liberating: I'm free to breathe instead of doing everything I can to ensure the future I want. At the same time, it raises lots of questions with theological undertones: "How does fate play into my life, if at all? How does free will play into my life, if at all? And if free will is totally free, what does this mean regarding my future?" I've always been one of a philosophical mindset, and tonight these questions haunt me.

Hmmm, my future. Maybe it's more up to me than I think?

At times I feel so restless. It is a nearly painful feeling: I feel like I'm wasting my time here at C.C.U. Don't get me wrong, I love it here and am even considering going for a Master of Arts in Old Testament studies (my language would be Spanish). Yet, as much as I love the school and the opportunity that has presented itself, as I find myself hanging out in Student Life, or sitting in class, or studying in my dorm room or at the library, I can't help but look out the windows and taste the world, feel echoes of all the pain, all the heartache and heartbreak, echoes of the thousands of people who are searching for something yet are unable to say exactly what it is they desire. The world spins, people live and die, hearts are hurt and broken and bleeding, and the gospel is real. The gospel is transforming, it is awakening, it breathes life into death, light into darkness, hope into despair; so why do I often treat it like child's candy?

There is a burning passion inside me, a passion to advance GOD's kingdom, but I am doing a pathetic job at it now. I am learning the ins-and-outs of the gospel, but the basics I know, and in the end, the basics are all that I really need. I feel tied down at C.C.U., tied down to Cincinnati, when my heart burns for the youth of suburban America. I love teaching at Southwest Church, pointing the way to GOD, but I feel like I am shirking my calling. I wish I could find a way, an opportunity, to advance the kingdom into the lives of youth here in the 'Nati, but no opportunities ever present themselves. The mission field that I love is miles and miles away, in Springboro, Ohio... And I am here in Cincy.

I am restless. Yesterday I just wanted to up and drop out of college, get a job, raise a lot of money, then move to Florida and get a job (perhaps Starbucks or something of that nature), make some good friends, and start a church. I so much want to plant a church where people can come freely to experience the message of GOD's love, the message of His Son, the message of His kingdom. Maybe it's just impatience. I want this now, but now is not the right time. I don't know. I just want to lead others to the quiet meadows and calm waters of GOD's grace.

I just got back from a wonderful game of "lost boy." A bunch of us went to the Mt. Echo Park woods and hunted one another with paintball guns. My body is a walking graveyard, and even though I got stuck in a tree, it was an overall thrilling experience. We all returned to campus to sit around staring at each other while drinking juices from the coffee shop. Our days here at C.C.U. have been filled with end-of-semester papers and battles on Counter-Strike, a wonderful game I loaded onto my PC. I can't wait for this summer, yet I am sad to be leaving all these great people for three months. I plan on making a summer circuit once a month, though, over the weekend: go down to Hamilton to visit Caleb and Trista, then into Cincy to visit Megan and Cassie, then down to Brian's parsonage for Sunday, and return back in time for work on Monday. I was sitting in Brian and Caleb's room and realized that GOD has brought me so many great friends who are just as passionate about Him as I am (and some far more passionate!). I thank GOD for them everyday.

I am reading Radical Reformission for Evangelism 101. It's an amazing book. Please read it--it's challenging widely-held beliefs regarding evangelism, culture, and Christianity. It is not heresy, though; in fact, the book makes it clear that when engaging culture and experiencing the gospel in culture, we must stay true to the gospel as preached by Christ and the Apostles.

I will be teaching this Sunday. I'm extremely excited.

I didn't go to Southwest Church today; instead, I took my Bible and drove to Clearcreek Park half a mile down the road from K-Mart. I read 1 Kings 1-2, the end of King David's life. I think it's an amazing story. Because of his sin with Bathsheba, he was punished with the deaths of four of his relatives. Not only that, but when he is old and enflamed with lust, he has the most beautiful girl in Israel trying to sleep with him, but he can't "get up"! That's probably the worst curse imaginable! I love the Old Testament; the stories are so rich and beautiful.

I tried to tan today. I don't know if it worked. I'm going to keep trying throughout the summer.

My friend Kyle showed me this. This is a documentary that says, "September 11 was organized the U.S. Government." It's pretty interesting (I used to think conspiracy-theorists were crazy, but now I don't know what I believe). Anyways, it's an hour long and worth your attention; it's very well put-together. Keep in mind, too, that governments have been corrupt since the dawn of time. We're naive to think that our government should be any different. The website with the video is here.