contemplations

What is repentance? Repentance is a turning of the heart towards God, propelled by God’s Spirit. It is a matter of our disposition towards God: our natural mental and emotional outlook, mood, and attitude towards God. In repentance, our disposition towards God is transformed. While we were once cold, bitter, and calloused towards God, we become concerned with God (we “seek His face”). Indifference to God and His ways evolves into a concern and care for God and His ways. I believe this is what repentance is all about.

Where does lifestyle change fit in? An ill disposition towards God produces a rebellious lifestyle indifferent to God’s desires for how we live. A renewed disposition, however, produces a lifestyle within us where we seek to live according to His desires for our lives because we generally care. We are placing God’s interests for our lives above our own. The heart of repentance is not in behavioral change: it is in a renewed disposition towards God. The reality or genuineness of our repentance is evidence in our lives: “Are we seeking to conform to the patterns of God’s ways or to the patterns of the world? Are we seeking to honor Him in the lives we live, or are we seeking to honor our own wishes, wants, and desires? Are we seeking to live in ways that reflect that status of our identity as God’s people, or are we seeking to live in ways that reflect the identity of those without Christ whom are perishing?” Note that the word seeking is used over-and-over. No one conforms to God’s behavioral desires perfectly. The issue lies within our true intentions—sometimes we can convince ourselves we are intent on doing something but really we are just deceiving ourselves. Our intentions speak to the reality—or lack thereof—of our repentance.

How does one come to repentance? Repentance is a gift of God: God works on our hearts through the teaching of the gospel, convicting us and prodding us towards repentance. However, the choice is ultimately ours. No one is forced into repentance. God does not draw us to Him so loudly that we cannot resist, nor does He draw us so quietly that we have to struggle to hear His voice. Mankind has the freedom to choose God or reject Him. In choosing God, a metaphysical shift takes place in our lives: as we turn our hearts to God in faith, the Holy Spirit enters into us and transforms us from the identity of “those whom are perishing” to “the holy and blameless children of God.”

is God disappointed with us?

As I was lying in bed the other night, I contemplated: “Is God disappointed in me?” All of us sin, and I was wondering if God is disappointed in us when we sin. I thought to myself, “What is disappointment?” Disappointment, I believe, is what one feels when another person does not live up to their expectations. When we are disappointed with God, it is because God does not live up to our expectations. When God is disappointed in us, it’s because we haven’t lived up to His expectations for our lives. “Is God disappointed with us when we sin?” I think the answer is, simply: “No.” God isn’t an idiot. He knows that we live in a world where we still wage war with our sinful desires; we are caught in a plane where heaven intersects the sinful world in which we live, and Christians live right at that intersection. We are torn between following God and obeying Him and between following our own wishes and desires and fulfilling our own selfish wants. God knows that we exist in such a state, and He doesn’t expect us to always choose the path that is in line with what He wants. He wishes we would always choose such a path, but He knows we won’t. Like I said, He isn’t an idiot. He knows we sin. He knows we sin all the time, every day, in ways we recognize and in ways we do not. We live lives where we want to God’s will, but we also want to do our own will. God knows we are made of dirt, and though He would like it if we were totally abandoned to Him and never sinned, He knows that’s not going to happen—at least not until we dwell with Him in the new creation.

another day at the Hilltop Cafe

Most days at the coffee shop are generally uneventful. But today wasn’t too bad. It started off with Isaac and Katie arguing about perceptions of reality—and Isaac’s quote, “This occurrence of reality is the most annoying occurrence of reality that I have ever experienced” still makes me laugh. Manny came up to the bar and asked for an in-house water with a side of cocaine. I gave him his water and said, “Your cocaine will be at the end of the bar.” A few moments passed, and I called him over. He leapt off the couch and curiously approached, only to find Katie bent over and snorting his fresh cocaine (thanks to twin packets of coffee sweetener):

Isaac and Katie left, and so I amused myself behind the bar. Several friends came by, and we chatted. Boredom began to overcome me, so I swiped my card through the register and ordered an iced caramel macchiato. Five minutes later, I produced a fantastic drink, which Cassie displays so vibrantly:

The Hilltop can be fun, every now and then.

a pinball in a pinball machine

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us. We are like ignorant children who want to continue making mud pies in a slum because we cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a vacation at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. – C.S. Lewis

My search for joy has carried me everywhere. For two years it has eluded me, though it has been present temporarily with certain situations. It seems that joy, for a boy like me, is something untouchable, something unable to be experienced. I live in a world of turmoil, not peace; depression, not joy; shame and regret, not happiness. I search hungrily for joy, and I find that my search is akin to that of a pinball in a pinball machine: bouncing everywhere, backward and forward, side-to-side, searching for that which will bring me joy. I turn to little escape and mini-joys to try and ease the brokenness. I seek shelter in shanties and cardboard boxes while I freeze in the drenching rain of my own ignorance: my ignorance to the reality that I have been bouncing around for so long and nothing of value has been discovered.

God offers me joy. He offers it to me. Do I believe this? I mean, do I really believe this? All of my prayers for as long as I can remember have been cemented in suffering, shame, and regret. How often has praise flowed from my lips? How often have tears of joy streamed down my cheeks? I can’t remember the last time that happened, though tears of sorrow I remember all too well (I cried some last night).

I look at my life and realize where it could be if I hadn’t screwed it up. And I feel like I have nowhere to go. Everything I loved was taken from me, and I played a huge part in that. I was stupid and ignorant and went against all knowledge and intuition, and I paid dearly for it. Now I feel like I have no future. How could life get better?

But God still offers joy.
God offers me a future.
God offers me transformation.

And I continue bouncing around like a pinball in a pinball machine.

the way the world works

My friend Emily and I were talking about how romantic relationships work. She thinks that it is a person’s personality that attracts you to him or her, and then you find their physical appearance attractive; I think that it is the physical appearance that attracts you to a person, and their personality can make or break that attraction. I would love it if she were right, that personality stood on a pedestal above physical appearance. But I have seen the way the world works, I have seen how relationships form, and I know that’s not the case. It is wishful dreaming. Relationships don’t work that way. If you want a better chance at being in a relationship, you need to be the kind of person who is physically attractive and not physically repulsive. Maybe I’m just shallow, but I prefer to view myself as being realistic.

Last night I dreamt that she came up to me at school and asked how I was doing. It was good to talk to her. I miss talking to her. She asked me, “Are you almost over what happened?” I replied, “Yeah. Almost.” Things are getting better. They’re still tough, God knows… But things are getting better. I’ve been talking with an old friend—Lindsey—who randomly called me up the other day, and we’re going through the same thing. She’s a big encouragement. Everything will be okay. Life goes on. Take a deep breath. There is hope. Yes: hope reigns.

I was reading through my journals, what I wrote during the days she and I were together. I was a good boyfriend. I really was. I treated her right. I tried to make her happy. We had our problems, like every relationship does, and those problems got the best of us. But I wasn’t a bad man. I wasn’t a bad boyfriend. I gave her the world, or at least tried to. She was my reason for breathing. “You’re a good, decent guy, Anth,” my little sister told me. “I know all of your deepest, darkest secrets [she does] and I still know for a fact that you’re a good, decent guy. One of the last ones out there.”

life continues...

Sarah and I went to Rabbit Hash yesterday. It’s a small town in Kentucky along the Ohio River, a hotspot for bikers, with a dinky general store and a hick bar. They actually elected a dog as mayor! We then went back to her place, and I met her dementia-ridden grandpa. He is crazy and hilarious. He always talks about the war, and he is convinced I’m a 16-year-old lady. I think it might be my long hair? I stayed there till 1:30 in the morning and didn’t get back to campus till 2:00.

I went over to Isaac’s place today. We sat on his back porch and looked out at the city as the first storm-clouds rolled in (right now we’re in a thunderstorm watch; there are tornadoes stretching all the way from Michigan to Kentucky). We talked about God, philosophies of life, girls, and everything in between. It was a good time.

Amanda is home for the weekend. I get to see her tomorrow!

I am trying to stay optimistic despite the pain. It’s hard some days, especially at night, in the quiet, where memories slip into my mind and wreak havoc. I escape through my writing, but that escape only lasts until my brain fries for lack of ideas.

I want to move to Alaska, live there for a year, then come back. Take a break from life. But we can’t do that, now, can we?

i am tired

A month ago, we sat on the swings; I held her hand in mine, and we looked into each other’s eyes, and there was something special. Something wonderful. I felt at peace.

We haven’t really talked since then. Why? I have no idea. She just started ignoring me and refusing to hang out with me. I have tried: I have called her, invited her to hang out, tried to spend time with her, but she always makes excuses. If there is something going on with her friends, she purposefully doesn’t tell me, and then lies about it later.

I found her yesterday. She was sitting in the coffee shop with a boy. I walked over, started talking. She turned her head, lowered her eyes, refused to make eye contact. Later they were sitting at a table with several people. I came over to talk. No one acknowledged me. The boy said, “You’re not invited.” I stormed off campus with Trista, and I hollered and shouted as we drove down the interstate.

I am already having a rough time. I don’t need it to be compounded by crap like this. What is someone supposed to do, in such a situation, when the people you considered good friends all turn their backs to you? My entire social life has been turned upside-down, and I feel frightened, insecure, alone. I know I need to make new friends. Friends who won’t abandon me. But all the groups at C.C.U. have already formed, and it’s nearly impossible to penetrate them. People are content where they’re at… including the ones who drop-kicked me out of their lives.

I am tired of being abandoned.
I am tired of being alone.