Life is getting better. While the whole thing with Karen has torn me up, I am moving forward and doing much better. It has been great to be back here with lots of my friends. I am part of a great church community—Grassroots—where I am encouraged daily in my walk with God, where I am immersed in a community of believers, where we are pursuing God’s will for our lives with great energy. The beauty of gathering together with other Christians is plethoric, but one of the beauties I cherish the most is that we can grow together and strengthen one another. My internship in Minnesota really stretched me, and I was drawn closer to God. When I returned to Ohio, I began to revert back to some of my old ways. But over the past couple weeks, I have been growing closer and closer to God, have been experiencing joy and brokenness in my own life. Those old dreams that I had are beginning to return, and when I look at my life—my character, my personality, my habits, my hobbies—I begin to see more-and-more where I am not living for God’s glory and where I am not reflecting my holiness in Christ. I have been devouring the scriptures, and it has brought so much joy to my life—and, as aforementioned, also brokenness. A few days ago, I went over to my friend’s house, and we were sitting in his living room and just talking about God and life. We began reading through the scriptures, and through our conversation, three passages just came to life for me.
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
– James 4.8-10
My desire for communion with God and a restored intimacy is indescribable. But there are times when I feel like the days when I felt God’s presence, when my face literally glowed with “the joy of the Lord”, when my life was truly salt and light in a world of darkness… There are times when I feel like those days are long-gone and can never be relived. Since those days, my life has taken a nose-dive, and I have felt somewhat akin to a Japanese kamikaze pilot in World War II, dive-bombing into cruisers and battleships. I’m about ready to hit, and I have so much speed, and I want to pull up, want to abandon the destructive pattern of my life… But there is something holding me back. Perhaps it is shame. Perhaps it is guilt. Perhaps it is the whisper of Satan in my ear, telling me, “You’ve fallen too far—there is no hope for you. God had a great and majestic plan for your life, but you blew it: you messed up, you screwed everything up, and you’ve lost all the goodness God wanted to bestow upon you.” These are lies, and I know them to be, but they are lies that poison my heart. As I read this text, my eyes are fixated on “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” But how do I draw near to God? Simple: repentance. “Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts…” At the root of repentance is humility, and God will exalt the one who humbles himself and repents.
As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation, without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. – 2 Corinthians 7.9-10
The scripture from James convicts me, and I have great grief over my many sins, my many errors, my many pitfalls. But where does this grief lead? Does it lead to resignation (that is, does it lead me to believe that I am too far-gone, that I am too-far fallen, that I have strayed too far from the path to ever find my way back)? Or does it lead to repentance (that is, the trust that God is true to His Word, that He will accept my repentance, that He will draw near to me as I draw near to Him)? One of Paul’s letters to the Christians in Corinth brought great grief upon them, but yet he rejoices; why? Not because of the fact that they were grieved, but the fact that their grief led to their repentance—not resignation.
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. – Psalm 1.1-3
As I embrace repentance, as I refuse to listen to the Enemy’s lies, as I begin shedding off all the sin that encumbers me, and as I set off on the race set before me… I read this scripture, and I find in it great encouragement. It is quite the blessing to pursue God, to spend time in His Word. It is quite a blessing to be in communion with the Creator. The one who is in communion with God is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, a tree that does not decay and wither. The tree is plugged into the source of True Life—God—and God produces within that tree beautiful fruits. The one who is in communion with God is one who prospers—maybe not financially or physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Being a person who has experienced great financial wealth at times, being a person who has had a multitude of material possessions at my beck-and-call, I understand that there is no happiness found outside God, and that any semblances of happiness outside God are truly illusory and fleeting. I yearn to be the kind of person who is like the healthy tree besides the streams of living water—the kind of person who is in constant communion and enjoys intimacy with the Creator of the Cosmos.
My desire for communion with God and a restored intimacy is indescribable. But there are times when I feel like the days when I felt God’s presence, when my face literally glowed with “the joy of the Lord”, when my life was truly salt and light in a world of darkness… There are times when I feel like those days are long-gone and can never be relived. Since those days, my life has taken a nose-dive, and I have felt somewhat akin to a Japanese kamikaze pilot in World War II, dive-bombing into cruisers and battleships. I’m about ready to hit, and I have so much speed, and I want to pull up, want to abandon the destructive pattern of my life… But there is something holding me back. Perhaps it is shame. Perhaps it is guilt. Perhaps it is the whisper of Satan in my ear, telling me, “You’ve fallen too far—there is no hope for you. God had a great and majestic plan for your life, but you blew it: you messed up, you screwed everything up, and you’ve lost all the goodness God wanted to bestow upon you.” These are lies, and I know them to be, but they are lies that poison my heart. As I read this text, my eyes are fixated on “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” But how do I draw near to God? Simple: repentance. “Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts…” At the root of repentance is humility, and God will exalt the one who humbles himself and repents.
As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation, without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. – 2 Corinthians 7.9-10
The scripture from James convicts me, and I have great grief over my many sins, my many errors, my many pitfalls. But where does this grief lead? Does it lead to resignation (that is, does it lead me to believe that I am too far-gone, that I am too-far fallen, that I have strayed too far from the path to ever find my way back)? Or does it lead to repentance (that is, the trust that God is true to His Word, that He will accept my repentance, that He will draw near to me as I draw near to Him)? One of Paul’s letters to the Christians in Corinth brought great grief upon them, but yet he rejoices; why? Not because of the fact that they were grieved, but the fact that their grief led to their repentance—not resignation.
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. – Psalm 1.1-3
As I embrace repentance, as I refuse to listen to the Enemy’s lies, as I begin shedding off all the sin that encumbers me, and as I set off on the race set before me… I read this scripture, and I find in it great encouragement. It is quite the blessing to pursue God, to spend time in His Word. It is quite a blessing to be in communion with the Creator. The one who is in communion with God is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, a tree that does not decay and wither. The tree is plugged into the source of True Life—God—and God produces within that tree beautiful fruits. The one who is in communion with God is one who prospers—maybe not financially or physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Being a person who has experienced great financial wealth at times, being a person who has had a multitude of material possessions at my beck-and-call, I understand that there is no happiness found outside God, and that any semblances of happiness outside God are truly illusory and fleeting. I yearn to be the kind of person who is like the healthy tree besides the streams of living water—the kind of person who is in constant communion and enjoys intimacy with the Creator of the Cosmos.
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