senior year: the first week

Mount Airy Forest

Monday. Karen and I got my phone fixed and then returned to Cincinnati. I ate at the Hilltop for lunch and then worked 4-7:30 with Isaac. Monica, Bob, and John kept me company. Karen and I went to Best Buy, and I got a joystick for my new game: Microsoft Flight Simulator 2002. 

Tuesday. Karen worked 9:30-12:30. We ate lunch and went down by the river and then to Mount Aries. We got a lot of exercise, and it was a beautiful day. We ran by the bank and ate dinner at Frisch's. We went back to her place for a while, and then she dropped me off at school and went to her friend Theresa's house. I visited Monica in the Hilltop, won a game of ping-pong against John, and worked on Dwellers of the Night.

The First Day of Classes. I had Preaching until 10:00 and History of the Restoration Movement until lunchtime with Karen. Karen and I watched The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind at her house and went to an Activity Fair in the gym on campus. 

Thursday. I had Modern Ethical Problems this morning followed by an easy 9:30-12:30 shift at the Hilltop. Karen worked 1-4:00 while I had Modern World Religions. She's on her period, so we don't have a baby coming! We were scared there for a bit. Tim & Julie are engaged. It's nearly laughable. But only nearly-so. Karen and I have stopped sex and fooling around, at my initiative, surprisingly. I'm on a quest to reclaim my pride and dignity, and the quest begins where it's most difficult. My car's fixed; the back brakes were damaged. Mom & Dad brought it down for me.

Friday. Karen and I were up until 4 AM at Knob Hill talking. She confessed that she won't stop using drugs, no matter what--and that includes marriage, motherhood, or a career. She's an idiot. She thinks it's bad that I want her to stop, that if I love her, she'll be allowed to do whatever she wants. The fact that she risks a good marriage, a good family, and a good career doesn't faze her. So what am I to do? I don't want this to be a part of my life. I love Karen, but love isn't what makes relationships work. Sacrifice, selflessness, and servitude--that's what it takes. Karen's selfishness is what will prevent our dreams from coming true, and one day she'll have to acknowledge that. Today she and I went to the Maple Wood Lodge at Mount Aries. We talked about all of this some more, and she asked, "So are you breaking up with me?" With tears in my eyes I said Yes. I dropped her off at her house, and the whole way home I wept. Isn't it strange how the smallest memories bring the most pain? Feeding a turtle at Mount Echo. Swimming in the pool. Fishing on the lake. Her graduation party. Debating theology, exploring the woods, playing Halo together. These memories... They bring tears to my eyes and lock my heart in my throat. I wish I could just hold her, smell her hair, be with her. But I can't. And it sucks. BAD. We didn't even get to watch our last two movies together.

Saturday. I cried a lot yesterday, and waking up this morning was hard. Karen turned her phone off last night, and I've no doubt that her friends, most of whom are drug dealers, are telling her that she deserves someone better than me, someone who won't challenge her to be a better person, someone who will accept the fact that she's destroying her life. All her friends are either divorced, unhappily married, or just living for the next high. But she'll listen to them, because they're her friends. Mom told me that Karen is perfect for me, and in so many ways, Karen is what I've always wanted. Mom took me out for breakfast to try and comfort me, but I wasn't that hungry. At 3:00 I left the house and went to Sarah's. We went to Barnes & Noble for coffee, smoked cigarettes on the patio, and watched horror movies back at her house. She wept over Keith, and I gave her a big hug, and she wept onto my shoulder. He lies her, spends all her money, manipulates her, cheats on her, treats her like shit. She promises that she's breaking up with him... "Soon," she says.

Sunday. I spent the night at Sarah's apartment and took her to work. I returned to Springboro, and after church I baptized Megan. It was wonderful. I grilled a hamburger for lunch and did some writing before heading back to C.C.U. for my 9:00-Close shift at the Hilltop. It wasn't too busy, because it's Labor Day weekend and lots of students returned home. I hung out for Kyle in the dorms for a while. Karen is on her way here now--we're going to go for a drive through northern Kentucky and talk about things.