Labor Day. Karen and I had a HUGE argument last night. She said I was being an ass for wanting her to stop, that I was the one with the problem for not accepting her life choice. I'll admit my bluntness was harsh, but why the hell is she so locked in apathy and denial? I called her last night to apologize--not for what I said but for how I said it--but she didn't answer the phone. Now everything in my room reminds me of her. The stuffed green turtle she bought from Gatlinburg for me for my birthday. The bottle of Whaler's Rum with the melted candle-wax crawling along the sides. The sea turtle journal she bought for me in Minnesota. The collage of all our pictures. The Mexican blanket draped over my bed. My resolve is breaking, because love is blind and poisonous. We talked some more, and she said she's not ready for commitment, not ready to settle down, not ready to even CONSIDER kids in her future. Quite a drastic change from her previous sentiments. There's no future for us.
Tuesday. My classes went well today. Trista and I hung out during chapel. Monica and I ate lunch together. Karen worked until 12:30, and we hung out afterwards. It was awkward. She's mad at me, but she's always mad about something. We went to Newport and chilled in a bar for three hours. Things were going great, but then we started arguing again. I pissed her off, telling her, "I'm sad because I can't be with you. I'm heartbroken because you've chosen a life of drugs over a life with me. I'm angry because you're willing to risk everything you love for the next high." The clincher: "You're a walking irony: going into a profession to help people deal with their problems, and you can't even deal with your own." She stormed away, mad about what I said. She stormed out of the bar, leaving me to pay, and then Sarah called, saying things with Keith were spiraling out of control. So I rushed over to her apartment, and he showed up and started threatening me and her, and the cops got involved, and James & I offered Sarah an out but she refused to take it. She's staying with Keith.
Wednesday. Although I genuinely want to be friends with Karen, that'll take time, and it's becoming ever clearer. We went to the Halloween Store in Indiana and then to a park near the river. We cuddled, we hugged, we kissed--just unknowing of the future, enjoying the moment. We grabbed dinner from Chipotle and went to the Missional Community Gathering with Ryan, Emily, Forrest, James, David & Becky. Karen thought I was dissing her and stormed off. I shrugged my shoulders, and the subject was Romans 5.12-21, and then we went to the Beer Cellar to smoke cigarettes and drink. They have 60 kinds of beers on tap, it was great.
Thursday. Karen and I went to Knob Hill after my classes and smoked cigarettes. We talked for a little bit, and then I went to the Marshall House in Clifton to smoke cigarettes and play XBox360 with James. We played with Ninja, the stray black cat that sleeps on their stoop. Kyle and I spent the evening in the Hilltop scoping out the freshman girls and playing ping-pong. "I'm not anxious about the future," I told him. I don't know if I was lying, self-deceived, or telling the truth.
Friday. Karen and I went to the Pavilion at Mount Echo to talk, and then I went to the Marshall House. A bunch of us chipped into a hookah and smoked it out on the front porch. Karen and I went to Skyline Chili for dinner.
Saturday. I picked up Sarah from work, and we went to James' house. He and Hensel joined us for a trip to Wal-Mart, and we bought beer and cigars from the Party Source in Newport after dinner at Burger King. We returned to the Marshall House and enjoyed our purchases on the front porch. I took Sarah back to her apartment. Keith ditched her again. She desperately wants to get out of the lease, move to Wilmington, and get Keith out of her life and watch over her senile grandpa. I told Sarah, "It would be good for you. A fresh start."
Sunday. I watched Tombstone after church at Southwest and had Wendy's for dinner with dad. I returned to campus for my 6-9:00 shift with Katie and Michael. Katie and I talked for a while, and she said, "I identify myself based on how much guys like me. Guys don't like me here at school, so I'm miserable."
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