the last week of 2009

Saturday. With the Christmas celebrations finished, I finally got a chance to just snuggle up on the couch and relax, and I spent nearly all of Saturday doing this, except for a trip to Tri-Health to visit Sarah before she headed to Wilmington and to eat my weekly Greek pizza. I also ordered two books off Amazon.com with a gift card, both analyses and critiques of Ernest Hemingway's literature.

Sunday. My friend Jobst came over in the afternoon, and we smoked his pipe and relaxed and talked about life and all its trimmings. Later that evening I went to my friend Maggie's house off 275, and I met a bunch of her other friends, and we played Apples-to-Apples, and I won three out of the four games (the first game I didn't even get a single point). The roads became pretty bad with the incessant snow, so I left around 11:30, navigating the back-roads and highways very carefully. I avoided the big hill leading to my house and instead cut through one of the worst parts of Price Hill. A prostitute tried to convince me to purchase her services, and I felt bad because she was alone, and it was cold, and the streets were empty, so I gave her two cigarettes instead and went on my way.

Monday. Monday was a pretty boring day, the highlight being Subway for lunch. Amanda's laptop crashed and I tried to fix it, but the viruses have completely infested the NTFS, and her computer is screwed. It will need to be wiped clean, and she'll need to reinstall everything, including the operating system.

Tuesday. I fixed Sarah breakfast before she went to work, and I joined Maggie, and we went to the Busken Bakery for breakfast and coffee, then perused Michael's and Jack's Aquarium and Pets, and we went to Urban Outfitters in Clifton. Later in the day I decided to buy a hamster, and I named her "Maebe," after the character from the television series "Arrested Development." Both Amanda and Sarah really like her. She's very curious and playful, and she's a daredevil--she'll leap blindly off counter-tops and will spiral to the ground, so we have to keep watch over her.

Wednesday. Yesterday we had several people over--Rob, Mandy, Tony, Chris--and we drank beer and had a pretty good time, lots of good conversation and lots of laughter.

Thursday. I took Mandy to Rob's work, where I got a sandwich on him and a free mocha. Sarah only worked half a day, so we spent the evening watching television. She is downstairs changing, she's going to her friend Katherine's in a few. I'm going to work out and relax, maybe watch another movie, and then tonight we're going to watch the ball drop and toast with glasses of white wine. It should be a good night--and tomorrow, January begins, and 2010 emerges, and we'll see if the next year holds anymore promise than this past one did.

today i bought a hamster

Christmas Celebrations, Part II

Christmas in Lexington went very well. It was great seeing my extended family, especially those family members who live in Georgia, because I don't get to see them too often. I also enjoyed taking two tequila shots with my aunt, and I had a good time wrestling with my cousin's boxer, Boozur. Uncle Bill fixed a delicious Italian dinner with two appetizers, salad, and an entree. He also made this concoction out of wine and fruit juices that tasted very good. I didn't leave Lexington until about 11:00 last night, landing back in Cincinnati around 12:30.

Christmas Celebrations, Part I

We already celebrated our House Christmas, where I received from my roommates the first two seasons of "Arrested Development," the wittiest and funniest and cleverest television show that has ever existed. Last night Amanda and I joined Mom and Dad for a Christmas dinner at Lone Star Steakhouse, where I dined on delicious ribs. Mom got a holiday pina-colada which tasted amazing. We opened presents back at the house, and I got tons of books and stuff for my car, lots of goodies. Today we went to my dad's side of the family Christmas celebration in New Carlisle. It was good to see the family, to talk about theology, and to do so over coffee I made in the French press my grandma bought for me. She also bought me a book on Alaska's Inside Passage, probably the most beautiful and scenic place I've ever been, a place I want to revisit. I dream of becoming a famous author and having a summer house there where I can go in seclusion and hammer out novels. Now I'm back in Cincinnati, to relax for a night and to sleep well in my own bed (Ams says it's uncomfortable, but I love it), and tomorrow afternoon I am driving to Lexington to celebrate Christmas with Mom's side of the family. I got my grandma a copy of my latest novel, "Dwellers of the Night" (it's a trilogy, and she read the first book and loved it, and now she gets the whole trilogy in one hardback volume!). Once I return to Cincinnati tomorrow night, the festivities are over, except for a New Year's Party I'm throwing here at the house (and by party I mean two or three friends are coming down to hang out and watch the ball drop).

monthly weigh-in #2

The holiday craziness has begun. Tonight my sister and I are going to my parents' house, and we're going out for a steak dinner and then opening our family Christmas presents. I got my parents something really special this year :). Tomorrow we are celebrating Christmas at my dad's family's house, and on Friday we're going to Lexington to spend Christmas with my dad's side of the family. It'll be good to see everyone, and the food will be delicious, as well, though doubtlessly awful for my weight-loss. I haven't really lost too much more weight, but I'm at 25 pounds lost and continuing; 25 more pounds to go before I meet my goal. I've continued "bulking up", and Ams and Sarah have both commented on how tone and skinny my legs and arms look. I just can't wait for the stomach flat to start melting away; it's always the last place I lose weight. Here is the most recent picture (two or three weeks ago) (I'm sure you appreciate the censor bar!):

maybe it will be a white christmas?

the lehman house [34]

the first snow!

Monday. Mandy came over this morning and we drank coffee with Bailey’s and watched “Arrested Development.” She loves it. I told her all about last night. “Maggie’s really cool, I hope it works out,” she said. “In September I told her to chat you up. She was really against the idea, but just the other day she told me you two have been talking, and she said she was stupid not to listen to me before. She thinks you’re really cool!” Maggie came over around 10:30. She sucks at parallel parking (I had to park her car for her). She brought some meade wine, and we drank that and some Bailey’s hot chocolate and watched “The Office” and “Arrested Development.” She said she wanted to go to an empty park, but we were too drunk to do so. We were up until 4 AM, telling stories and laughing. I brought up the spare mattress and laid it on the floor, and I laid in my bed and she lied on the mattress, and we talked about our sexual histories. She asked where I kept my condoms and I told her I didn’t have any. A pure lie. I liked the idea of sleeping with her, but that’s not how I roll.

Tuesday. Maggie and I woke around 11:30. I made us coffee. I told her I was cold all night, and she said, “You should’ve come down and slept on the floor with me.” I followed her to her place, and I helped her clean the living room, the dining room, and the upstairs bedroom. She went to work and I went to Mandy’s, and we watched “Arrested Development.” Sarah, Ams and I went to Tri-County Mall and got free milkshakes from Ams’ work. We ate dinner at home and watched “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” Maggie told me that she really likes me, but she doesn’t want to date: “I’m still fucked up because of my controlling, manipulative ex.”

Wednesday. Ams and I were supposed to be at Mom & Dad’s around 5:00, and Ams was going to see a movie with Chris at 2:45, putting us in Dayton between 7 and 7:30. I told her that wouldn’t work, and she said, “Mom will get over it.” She called Mom to tell her she’d be late, and Mom got mad and Ams was crying, and Mom called me and was yelling about Ams, saying, “She wants to choose that loser over us! Tell Ams not to come tonight.” So I ended up playing the referee, calming them both down to a level of decency. Ams eventually bailed on the movie, and we went to Centerville and celebrated Christmas with Mom & Dad. We had dinner at LoneStar Steakhouse; I had the ribs. We opened presents back home. Mom & Dad loved the edible lingerie I got them. I got some books, gift cards, workout equipment, and a toy hamster. Mom got a Wii and we played it for an hour.

Christmas Eve ’09. We celebrated Christmas with Dad’s side of the family in New Carlisle, enjoying both a simple brunch and a classic dinner feast. I got a book on Alaska’s Inside Passage as well as some gourmet coffee and a French press. Aunt Julie and I shared good conversation on smoking and pot from a biblical worldview. I gave a short devotional from Ephesians. I got Grandma a copy of my Romans exegesis, which she loved. Ams and I didn’t get back to Cincinnati until around 11:00, and we promptly went straight to bed.

Christmas Day ’09. We celebrated Christmas with Mom’s side of the family at Jesse and Jared’s. Everyone came except Grandpa, of course. Uncle Bill fixed an Italian feast for dinner. I downed three shots of tequila and then headed home. Ams followed on my heels, and then Chris came over. Maggie and I talked for a bit: she’s depressed because this is her first Christmas without Aaron. Reminds me of my first Christmas without Courtney: a pure HELL. I like her, she likes me, but we can’t date because she’s still PTSD from Aaron. But I’m not too worried: as much as I do like her, I’ve still got feelings for Sarah. I’d like to call them residual, but that’s just self-deception, and shitty self-deception at that.

Saturday. A quiet day at home: Ams worked, Sarah was in Wilmington, and so I passed the time reading and writing, and I watched a TON of “Arrested Development.” Freaking love that show!

Sunday. I dreamt that I started dating Genna again and woke up SO HAPPY that it was just a dream. Jobst came over a bit, and it started snowing pretty awful by the time he left. Maggie was going to come over, but the shitty winter-worn roads cancelled those plans. Sarah returned from Christmas celebrations in Wilmington, and we got Chipotle for dinner. Once the snow lessened I headed over to Maggie’s, met more of her friends: BJ, Annabelle, Melanie, Lacy. I left around 11:30 and the roads were bad. Maggie, so damned cute, wanted me to spend the night. I playfully declined, not wanting to impose on her parents. Down on State Avenue with the blinding snow swirling all around a hooker tried to get me to pick her up. It was cold, windy, and she was alone and splotched red with misery, so I gave her two cigarettes. 

roommate christmas '09

it is finished

I finished my last online exam, thus completing all the required assignments, forms, and paperwork for my graduation from Cincinnati Christian University with a Bachelor's Degree in Biblical Studies. It's been a crazy four and a half years, filled with lots of ups and downs, excitements and disappointments, the making and breaking of friendships and relationships. And at last I am ready to move on to the next "chapter" in my life, whatever that may be. 'Cause I don't have a damned clue.

some things I do

A friend, upon hearing I've lost 25 pounds since the end of October, asked what I have been doing. Other than eating right and doing 40 mins to an hour of cardio everyday, these are different sets of exercises I do throughout the week (I don't know the technical term for many of these):

1. Chest & Arms Workouts (with 30# dumbbell)
10 chest-flies, twice
10 lying-down curls, twice
20 standing chest-flies
15 sofa push-ups
15 reverse push-ups

2. Abs, Back, & Legs
30 crunches, twice
30 reverse crunches, twice
10 oblique lifts
30 leg circles wide
15 leg lifts/lowers
15 leg circles narrow
15 leg/hip lifts
15 leg spreads
15 leg arches

the end

Two more exams. One term paper. An essay. And then I'm DONE with college.
It will all be over Wednesday afternoon. Whew.

Tonight I may be going to a Bible study in Over-the-Rhine.
I haven't been to a Bible Study in so long.

I called Transitions, Inc.
They're still going through the selection process.
I'm hoping and crossing my fingers I get the job.

Christmas is almost here.
Only about ten more days.
And that's crazy.

I hate the Christmas season.
But I love visiting family.
And I like getting stuff.
Because I'm materialistic.
The end.

the lehman house [33]

Monday. I spent the day (a) running errands and (b) working on papers and taking exams on campus. While in President’s Hall I ran into Maggie M., whom I’ve talked to online here-and-there, and we had an awkward talk and she gave me her number. “Call me.” Sarah’s friend Amanda S. came over, and we went to a bible study in Coleraine. There were close to thirty, maybe forty people there, and we crowded in a room and talked about God, but then things got really awkward when we went forward in a “time of silent prayer.” Mind you we’re all crowded together like sardines in a can, and also mind you Sarah and I are sitting beside one another. We both knew what one another was thinking, and we both wanted to laugh so hard; she made a weird sound and I had to jump up and bolt to the bathroom to avoid belching into laughter in the middle of like forty meditating people. I went outside and then Sarah joined me, and we decided to just go ahead and leave. Thankfully Amanda S. had a different ride home.

Tuesday. Maggie and I talked last night, and we’re planning on hanging out soon. I spent the day writing at school and felt lethargic all evening. Sarah came home around 8:00 and we watched “Terminator: Salvation.” I’m realizing Ams isn’t cropping up much these days: between work, school, and Chris’ house, she’s hardly seen anymore, except in passing. It makes me miss having her around.

Wednesday. Maggie came in while I was working in the Hilltop, and she said she really likes dinosaurs and wants to have life-size ones at her wedding. Sarah and I watched the new Star Trek movie. Fantastic. Ams was actually home tonight: she may be breaking up with Chris; he’s been doing lots of “fraternizing” lately and doesn’t give a damn about Ams. “I told you to break up with him a LONG time ago,” I told her.

Thursday. Most students have left campus for Christmas Break, so at work we basically just cleaned and stuff, goofed off. Jessie came over for a little bit to see me before she heads home to Illinois tomorrow. I met Brian W. in the library and we did our BLT final, which means I’m OFFICIALLY done with all my college work. Now I just sit back and wait for the diploma. Mandy told me, “Sarah just needs to date you, she’s so fucking stupid! You two get along so freaking well, better than most married couples!” I ran into Dyke on campus, and he told me we should go out sometime, and that I can do “my thing”, i.e. smoke.

Friday. I drank some Venezuelan coffee Deshay gave me last summer. It’s fantastic. Karen gave me a bunch of food from the Hilltop. Dylan came over around 5:00. We went to Target to get Ams’ Christmas gifts. Tyler joined us later in the evening, and at 9:30 we went to Newport. Parking was awful. We had to park a few blocks down from the AMC. We saw “Avatar” in IMAX 3D, and it was breathtaking! When I got home I talked to Sarah a bit in her room, and then Tyler crashed on the couch and Dylan passed out on the spare mattress beside my bed.

Saturday. An inch of snow fell overnight. Dylan and Tyler left around noon, and I headed to Tri-Health for my Greek pizza and Greek pasta. When Sarah got off work we finished our Christmas shopping, and Chris and Ams are on the brink of breaking up. I spent the day watching Christmas movies on TV. I’m supposed to hang out with Maggie tomorrow night, but I haven’t heard from her in two days, so maybe she flaked out? If so, I save money!

Sunday. We did our “House Christmas” this morning. Sarah made Ams and me stockings into which she put our presents. Ams got Gilmore Girls: Season 7, panties, and a framed photo of the two of us. Sarah got a coffee mug, drink coasters with pictures inside, some photos of her and her grandpa, and “The Hangover.” I got the first two seasons of “Arrested Development,” a pack of cigarettes, the movie “Ace Ventura”, and some coffee and Bailey’s Irish Cream. Sarah and I grabbed Chipotle for lunch before she headed to see her grandpa. I got ready for a night hanging out with Maggie and her two sisters, Dacy and Shay. We went to The Blind Lemon, and her friend Ashley joined us there. I had two shots of great Belevedere vodka; Maggie had two beers and two mixed drinks. She got drunk and kept touching my arm and leg, being really flirtatious. We were euphoric by the time we left, and when we were in the car, she was all up on me. She whispered in my ear, “Let’s drop them off and go back to your place,” to which I replied, “The radio’s too loud, I can’t hear you.” She said it again, but I feigned ignorance. Her sisters were giving me death glares the whole time. We went out to eat at Steak-&-Shake, then back to her place to play “Clue.” She sobered up and she drove me back to my house. She kept making hints that she wanted to spend the night, and I kept playing dumb. Once we parted, she said, “I definitely had fun and enjoyed every minute of tonight. We should do it again.”

on hope/hopelessness

I admitted to a close friend, "What hurts the most isn't that S. doesn't like me, but that I hoped she would and yet another hope has been shown to be a disappointment. I am slowly beginning to fear the very idea of hope. If hope just disappoints, why hope? I haven't hoped for much in this life. I really haven't. But those things that I HAVE hoped for have always been disappointments." That conversation is long over, and I am sitting here before bed just thinking about my perception of things and, ultimately, my perception of hope as always being a disappointment. A few observations.

First, I have gone through several phases "hopelessness" in my life. While one hope that is a disappointment leads to hopelessness, that hopelessness evolves into the same hope but sketched differently. When that hope ends up being a disappointment, the cycle continues all over again. Maybe my hope should not be placed in these sketches but, overall, that one day a sketch of hope will blossom into the fruition and realization of that hope?

Second, I have gone through phases in my perception of hope. I will first perceive hope as a beautiful thing. Then, when that hope ends up being a disappointment, I will enter into a semi-nihilism where I perceive hope to be a damning lie. As the hopelessness intensifies, breeding apathy and despair, I slowly begin questioning that perception and begin toying again with the idea of hope, perhaps because hope is a sort of medicinal salve to my current despair. I will then hope in a grand scheme for things to get better, and then that hope will become narrow-windowed as it engulfs a certain scenario. The process then repeats itself over and over again.

Third, my behaviors are characterized by the stage of hope/hopelessness that I am in. Amidst hope, for example, I am more self-controlled, less prone to outbursts, more outgoing and happy, and I am more diligent and studious and meaningful in my actions. Amidst hopelessness, I start doing things I wouldn't normally do (usually in an effort to escape the pain of the hopelessness), I will at times lash out verbally and say really mean and hurtful things, I will become seclusive and reclusive, and I will distance myself from everyone except my closest friends, and I am generally apathetic towards all aspects of life.

Fourth, I enter into a religious depression when hopelessness invades. I become lazy in my prayers, and when I DO pray, the prayers are more often than not filled with more yelling and crying than anything else. I become apathetic towards "living the Christian life" and basically being the kind of person God wants me to be (I thank God for grace, and "thanking God" here is not a figure of speech). Ironically, amidst this religious depression, many of my "religious" dispositions are called into question, shattered, reformed. It is thanks to these religious depressions that I have grown spiritually, both as a person of God and in my knowledge and understanding of Him and His workings in the world.

admiral ackbar on coffee

It's weird, but I only have one week left working at the coffee shop. What's even more weird is that I think I may miss it.

an excerpt

It's been snowing every day but not sticking. The windows in my room are drafty and my space heater stopped working, so I sleep underneath four comforters and it still takes me a little while to stop shivering. Needless to say, I don't get much sleep at night. But I make up for it during the day when I take incredibly long naps (longest is four hours). My last undergraduate class is at 2:30. After that, I have two 15-page papers and three exams. By Tuesday I'll be DONE! In the meantime I've been working on my serial novella; the first book, which will be around 150 pages, is 1/3 done. Here is the beginning of the first scene:

Sometimes he cannot even look at her, because it hurts too much. They sit on the single sofa in the living room. The only words spoken that of their fragrant breathing. The night is quiet and calm, a gentle rain falling and sparkling underneath the streetlights. There is the sound of dripping water somewhere in the house. She clutches a Heineken and sits looking at him, the dark charcoal whiskers webbing out from the bridge of her nose and carving lines across her cheeks, highlighting her piercing eyes and voluptuous lips. Nothing is said, nothing has to be said. They are entirely comfortable amidst conversation and laughter and silence. She looks at him, and he looks at her, and he looks away, unable to behold her anymore, and he fiddles with his fingers upon his jeans as his mind becomes a racetrack and his thoughts become thunderous Arabian horses drawing flaming chariots, spinning round and round the track in a cloud of smoke and dust through which he can hardly sift. He is like a schoolboy entering the dawn of pubescent discovery, and he is stunned by her beauty again and again; the shifting of light or the drawing of a shadow or the emergence of a new angle upon her figure alerts him to yet another unique beauty she holds. He looks up from playing with his thumbs and sees that she has looked away, fondling her half-empty bottle of beer, eyes drawn sour as she gazes at the hardwood floor stained with cigarette ashes. He looks at her there and wants nothing more than to hold her and kiss her and comfort her and cherish her, but he knows he cannot. His thoughts buzz around like bees in a hive, and he is unable to slow them down, but one thought remains prominent and vibrant, and that is the thought—no, the conviction—that she is the most beautiful girl he has ever laid his eyes upon.

"whoa" is for "wind"

We have a mouse in the house. Or more. Amanda and I have known for a while. Sarah found out last night via seeing it scurry right past her. She freaked out. And by "freak out" I mean it in the most literal sense. We went to Kroger and got some mouse-traps, and I've laid them out strategically around the house. I'll be checking them several times a day to see if we have any luck.

The winds are kicking up pretty awful. Sarah says it's because there was a tropical storm down south, and we're getting the wind without the rain (though a speckle or two of snow). Power outages have been reported all over the place, but it's nothing near as bad as The Blackout two Septembers ago, where we lost power for three to four days. Some people didn't have power for up to two weeks.

I'm watching Sarah eat her salad in the living room.
I'm going to eat tuna for dinner, per usual.
But not until after I work out.
Sarah may not want to work out.
But I sure as hell am going to.

victoria's secret: a bitter ending

Last week I went to Victoria Secret to do some Christmas shopping. I wouldn't have chosen to go shopping there, but I had bought some men's cologne there several weeks ago and received a "Secret Santa" shopping card with $10 on it to be used at the store. Amanda and Sarah also received one, and I tagged along with them this past Saturday. I didn't go into the store, however; one awkward experience shopping there alone is enough for me. I'm already awkward enough; wandering around shelves of panties and bras and sifting through them made me feel even MORE awkward, and the fact that I was trying to NOT be awkward even intensified the situation. So I walked around the mall for a while and contemplated going to Starbucks but the line was too long. Anyways. When they finished shopping, we went to the Food Court and grabbed food, and Sarah noticed her credit card was missing. When we went to Aunti Emm's pretzels, she tried searching for it but couldn't find it, so she bummed a few bucks off me. Come Sunday, she still couldn't find it; and yesterday, she called her bank and realized there had been $700 charged to her account at several different stories in northeastern Cincinnati: Macy's (which is at the mall), Staples ("Who would spend $300 dollars at Staples?" "They have cameras and printers."), Wal-Mart, an alcohol store, etc. She was PISSED.

So we spent most of the day yesterday driving around northern Cincinnati trying to file a police report. We kept getting shifted to different stations. We then went to Tri-Health and got a free dinner from her friend Justin who works there, and we went by her mom's house in Hamilton, who loaned her some money so she can make it through the week. She showed me around her hometown, pointing out different locales and the ridiculous experiences she's had there. When we got back to the house, we did a cardio workout, and then the landlord, Justin, came by, to fix the sink and to check out the breaker (which has been messing up lately), and then the two of us stood outside, and he had Djarum cigarettes, which were pretty good, and we stood and talked about church and God and life for a good half hour. All-in-all, a pretty exciting day (though mostly at Sarah's expense).

Today will not be so exciting. I have two classes this afternoon and a power-point presentation to finish (which, honestly, I'll probably work on during my classes). Tomorrow I'll be in the university library for a while researching for a term paper on the Jewish experience of the Babylonian Exile, and Thursday morning I'll write the paper because it is due that day. Friday I don't have to work, but I'll be waking up at 7:20 anyways to eat breakfast with Sarah and then to go to the Hilltop and write a term paper on the Hebrew of Genesis 2, and then I'll be going to the library to do research for a paper on the complaints of Jeremiah. That's all my classwork for the day, and once it's done, all I have are exams, and then... I'm graduated! I'll be quite busy, but Thursday evening Sarah and I may be going up to see her aunt and uncle and to weigh-in for the weight-loss contest. I've been plateaued for a while, so I'm hoping it can break before then and I can lose a pound or two before we hop on the scale.

the lehman house [32]

Monday. I worked 9:30-1:00 with Nate, Rob, and Matt. Gambill and I had lunch together, and we talked about my spiritual devolution and struggle to trust in God. I had class until 2:15, came to see Sarah a wreck. Someone stole her credit card and charged $700 to her account. I tagged along with her to file the police report in Kenwood, and we grabbed dinner at Tri-Health. She had to pick up some money from her mom, so I tagged along and she took me on a tour of Hamilton, her hometown. Back home we worked out and then sat on the back deck drinking and smoking cloves. Snowflakes fell.

Tuesday. I scraped frost off Sarah’s car before she went to work. Incessant rains fell all day. When Sarah came home from work, she saw a mouse and flipped shit. Screaming, crying, and when she found out both Ams and I knew about it and didn’t tell her, she got PISSED. She calmed down, but then she saw the mouse again. I tried calming her down, but she wigged out on me and started yelling. Once she simmered to a stew, we went to Kroger and got mouse traps, and I laid them out around the house. I’m going to take care of it, and I told her I’d walk her to her room every night and look around her room before she went to bed every night. With tears in her eyes she thanked me.

Wednesday. No mice have been caught yet. 70 mph winds from some tropical storm put this house on edge all day, creaking and groaning. I half feared the structure would collapse. I need to acknowledge that what Ams told me is true: Sarah won’t change her mind. There’s no happy ending to this one. Sarah expressed anger—“Dammit!”—to the though of no one liking her but me, and she’s hunting for dates with guys on Facebook. I’m still holding on to hope that we’ll somehow, in some way, end up together, that she’ll let me show her what a real man is like. But this is stupid. I’m overweight, awkward, ghostly pale and red-skinned, scarred by acne. She’ll fuck random guys who don’t give a damn about her and will turn away from barely decently attractive good guys who would give her the world.

Thursday. Ams and I talked about how our lives are like sitcoms. Ams quipped, “No one could play your character, Anth. They wouldn’t be able to balance your awkwardness, depression, and humor. You’re too unique.” I took a nap and dreamt that I was a WW1 pilot. I landed at Monica’s apartment complex and watched a SWAT team perform a drug bust. I woke to rock out my last college class, and was out by 2:30. Sarah told me James has been trying to get with her. “Now I have two guys who want to be with me, but it’s the same two guys its always been!” My face fell. She said, “I should think about what I say before I say it.” Yup.

Friday. I spent the morning at the Hilltop working on final papers and hung out with Gambill, Mandy, and Ashley M. (who’s now “talking” to Justin, Jessie’s ex). Speaking of Jessie, she joined me for a trip down 8^th to put gas in my tires, and then I took her by Cincinnati State. She was really happy and touchy feely. If I didn’t know any better, I’d suspect she likes me. I took a hot bath back home and then fell asleep on the sofa while watching TV.

Saturday. My morning was spent at Tri-Health working on papers and keeping Sarah company. I had my Greek pizza and Greek wrap, of course. I visited Aroma’s and did some work there, and Jessie joined me on her break and we ate dinner together.

Sunday. At 3:30 we had the Hilltop Christmas party at Karen’s house. I visited with the dogs and their turtle, and we had lots of food and played ridiculous games. When Sarah came home from Wilmington, she told me that her mom’s in love with me and wants me and Sarah to date. But of course. Her mom sees what’s important. Sarah just sees sex. Sarah and I watched a movie, “Antichrist,” where a girl cuts off her clit with scissors and then bashes a guy’s testicles to pieces with a hammer. Fucked. Up. 

first snow!

starting a serial novel

Sarah and I both felt sick when we woke up this morning. We took tons of Advil, and then I made coffee--a Venezuelan espresso blend--and we drank several cups until our headaches went away. "I think I'm getting sick," Sarah said. I hope not, for both our sake's. She works six days a week and can't afford a day off, and this is my last week of classes which means I'll be working overtime on term papers and projects. She's left for the day, visiting her mom in Wilmington, then maybe seeing a movie with her high school friend Moose; and I've spent the day rearranging my room, boxing stuff up, organizing my clothes. I have some clothes that are WAY too small, and others that are WAY too big. It shows the radical changes I've gone through in the past six years: up then down, up then down, up then down (in terms of weight). I'm hoping this plunge downwards will remain that way.

I have started working on a serial novel I've been thinking about writing for about a year now. It's called "The Procyon Strain," a series of 12 books following a handful of characters through a zombie apocalypse. The ending should be pretty cool, as should all of the other books. I've gotten about fifteen pages done, and I am taking countless notes on the story's development. Each novella--around 150 pages, meaning roughly that the serial novel will be around 1800 pages--is different than the other in significant ways, though all tie together and follow the same person and the people around him. The first book is called "The Procyon Strain: A Dream For Us."

a dream i take seriously

There is a dream of mine that resides within the deepest part of who I am. And that dream is simple: to be a good husband and a good father. I often dream of my wedding day, of sharing that life with her, of love given and love shared. I often ponder the day when my first child will be born, how I will run up and down the hospital hallways, laughing and shouting and crying tears of joy. This dream haunts me, possesses me, intoxicates me.

And I take this dream very seriously.

There are many with this dream who run high and low, searching for someone—anyone—to make this dream a reality. There was a time when I did this, and I paid for it dearly. Yet the experiences of my immature days have enabled me to come to understand what I want and do not want both in a girl and in a romantic relationship. Throughout my life I have dated five girls, each girl radically different than the others. I’ve had my heart broken, and I’ve broken hearts. I have been in God-honoring relationships and relationships that, in one way or another, did not honor God. I’ve realized that what I want, for example, is a girl with whom I can talk about everything and nothing for hours, a girl who will listen patiently—and patience is needed for this—to my rants and raves, a girl who will comfort me in my sadness and not complicate it. I’ve realized that I need a girl who will help me become a better person in Christ, and—less important but equally valid—a girl who will enjoy both my awkwardness and my pledged creepiness.

I know what I want.
I know what I need.
But the focus—though unspoken—has always been upon ME.
These are valid questions—“What do I want? need?”—but their root is selfishness.

A better question would be: “What do I want to give?”

Relationships are often built upon self-fulfillment and self-satisfaction. “How can this person satisfy me financially, socially, physically?” is the unspoken question. We choose our friends, our significant others, and even our spouses with this logic. It is, by nature, selfish: “How can this person cater to my needs?” Of course, we won’t admit this. But we don’t have to: the skyrocketing number of divorces, even and especially within Christendom, are testaments to this fact.

The biblical portrayal of love is radically different than the oh-so-common ME, ME, ME! approach. Biblical love, as it is to be practiced and manifested in ALL relationships—from those with enemies to those with spouses—is characterized by selflessness, sacrifice, servitude, and submission. It is not an “easy” love—in the sense that it is not easy to cater to others’ needs rather than our own, in the sense that it is not easy to put our concerns behind the concerns of others—because we are culturally—and one might say even sinfully—programmed to be selfish. Yet this love, I believe, though hard, is strong, and it produces mutual honor, respect, and devotion when taken seriously by both parties involved.

Back to the question: “What do I want to give?”

A love that is selfless, sacrificial, self-denying, and submissive is manifested in GIVING. This is a true statement: great love is manifested in great giving, and this has been testified so violently and beautifully upon the cross. “What do I want to give?” There are no specifics in my answer. Love is not bound to specific situations: it is merely manifested in specific situations. All I know is that I want to be like Christ, in all arenas of my life, present and future, and this means GIVING. When it comes to a romantic relationship, it means giving up my own interests for her interests. It means giving up my energies and my time for her sake. It means possibly even giving up on my hopes and dreams in order to help her become a better woman in Christ. Ultimately, it is giving up myself for her. When self-denial—no, self-annihilation—is practiced by me and my girl, I believe that a beautiful relationship will be possible, and an even more beautiful marriage. I believe that in a world that says, “Love is a hoax,” we can show that “Love is completely real.”