the lehman house [32]

Monday. I worked 9:30-1:00 with Nate, Rob, and Matt. Gambill and I had lunch together, and we talked about my spiritual devolution and struggle to trust in God. I had class until 2:15, came to see Sarah a wreck. Someone stole her credit card and charged $700 to her account. I tagged along with her to file the police report in Kenwood, and we grabbed dinner at Tri-Health. She had to pick up some money from her mom, so I tagged along and she took me on a tour of Hamilton, her hometown. Back home we worked out and then sat on the back deck drinking and smoking cloves. Snowflakes fell.

Tuesday. I scraped frost off Sarah’s car before she went to work. Incessant rains fell all day. When Sarah came home from work, she saw a mouse and flipped shit. Screaming, crying, and when she found out both Ams and I knew about it and didn’t tell her, she got PISSED. She calmed down, but then she saw the mouse again. I tried calming her down, but she wigged out on me and started yelling. Once she simmered to a stew, we went to Kroger and got mouse traps, and I laid them out around the house. I’m going to take care of it, and I told her I’d walk her to her room every night and look around her room before she went to bed every night. With tears in her eyes she thanked me.

Wednesday. No mice have been caught yet. 70 mph winds from some tropical storm put this house on edge all day, creaking and groaning. I half feared the structure would collapse. I need to acknowledge that what Ams told me is true: Sarah won’t change her mind. There’s no happy ending to this one. Sarah expressed anger—“Dammit!”—to the though of no one liking her but me, and she’s hunting for dates with guys on Facebook. I’m still holding on to hope that we’ll somehow, in some way, end up together, that she’ll let me show her what a real man is like. But this is stupid. I’m overweight, awkward, ghostly pale and red-skinned, scarred by acne. She’ll fuck random guys who don’t give a damn about her and will turn away from barely decently attractive good guys who would give her the world.

Thursday. Ams and I talked about how our lives are like sitcoms. Ams quipped, “No one could play your character, Anth. They wouldn’t be able to balance your awkwardness, depression, and humor. You’re too unique.” I took a nap and dreamt that I was a WW1 pilot. I landed at Monica’s apartment complex and watched a SWAT team perform a drug bust. I woke to rock out my last college class, and was out by 2:30. Sarah told me James has been trying to get with her. “Now I have two guys who want to be with me, but it’s the same two guys its always been!” My face fell. She said, “I should think about what I say before I say it.” Yup.

Friday. I spent the morning at the Hilltop working on final papers and hung out with Gambill, Mandy, and Ashley M. (who’s now “talking” to Justin, Jessie’s ex). Speaking of Jessie, she joined me for a trip down 8^th to put gas in my tires, and then I took her by Cincinnati State. She was really happy and touchy feely. If I didn’t know any better, I’d suspect she likes me. I took a hot bath back home and then fell asleep on the sofa while watching TV.

Saturday. My morning was spent at Tri-Health working on papers and keeping Sarah company. I had my Greek pizza and Greek wrap, of course. I visited Aroma’s and did some work there, and Jessie joined me on her break and we ate dinner together.

Sunday. At 3:30 we had the Hilltop Christmas party at Karen’s house. I visited with the dogs and their turtle, and we had lots of food and played ridiculous games. When Sarah came home from Wilmington, she told me that her mom’s in love with me and wants me and Sarah to date. But of course. Her mom sees what’s important. Sarah just sees sex. Sarah and I watched a movie, “Antichrist,” where a girl cuts off her clit with scissors and then bashes a guy’s testicles to pieces with a hammer. Fucked. Up.