There is a dream of mine that resides within the deepest part of who I am. And that dream is simple: to be a good husband and a good father. I often dream of my wedding day, of sharing that life with her, of love given and love shared. I often ponder the day when my first child will be born, how I will run up and down the hospital hallways, laughing and shouting and crying tears of joy. This dream haunts me, possesses me, intoxicates me.
And I take this dream very seriously.
There are many with this dream who run high and low, searching for someone—anyone—to make this dream a reality. There was a time when I did this, and I paid for it dearly. Yet the experiences of my immature days have enabled me to come to understand what I want and do not want both in a girl and in a romantic relationship. Throughout my life I have dated five girls, each girl radically different than the others. I’ve had my heart broken, and I’ve broken hearts. I have been in God-honoring relationships and relationships that, in one way or another, did not honor God. I’ve realized that what I want, for example, is a girl with whom I can talk about everything and nothing for hours, a girl who will listen patiently—and patience is needed for this—to my rants and raves, a girl who will comfort me in my sadness and not complicate it. I’ve realized that I need a girl who will help me become a better person in Christ, and—less important but equally valid—a girl who will enjoy both my awkwardness and my pledged creepiness.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
But the focus—though unspoken—has always been upon ME.
These are valid questions—“What do I want? need?”—but their root is selfishness.
A better question would be: “What do I want to give?”
Relationships are often built upon self-fulfillment and self-satisfaction. “How can this person satisfy me financially, socially, physically?” is the unspoken question. We choose our friends, our significant others, and even our spouses with this logic. It is, by nature, selfish: “How can this person cater to my needs?” Of course, we won’t admit this. But we don’t have to: the skyrocketing number of divorces, even and especially within Christendom, are testaments to this fact.
The biblical portrayal of love is radically different than the oh-so-common ME, ME, ME! approach. Biblical love, as it is to be practiced and manifested in ALL relationships—from those with enemies to those with spouses—is characterized by selflessness, sacrifice, servitude, and submission. It is not an “easy” love—in the sense that it is not easy to cater to others’ needs rather than our own, in the sense that it is not easy to put our concerns behind the concerns of others—because we are culturally—and one might say even sinfully—programmed to be selfish. Yet this love, I believe, though hard, is strong, and it produces mutual honor, respect, and devotion when taken seriously by both parties involved.
Back to the question: “What do I want to give?”
A love that is selfless, sacrificial, self-denying, and submissive is manifested in GIVING. This is a true statement: great love is manifested in great giving, and this has been testified so violently and beautifully upon the cross. “What do I want to give?” There are no specifics in my answer. Love is not bound to specific situations: it is merely manifested in specific situations. All I know is that I want to be like Christ, in all arenas of my life, present and future, and this means GIVING. When it comes to a romantic relationship, it means giving up my own interests for her interests. It means giving up my energies and my time for her sake. It means possibly even giving up on my hopes and dreams in order to help her become a better woman in Christ. Ultimately, it is giving up myself for her. When self-denial—no, self-annihilation—is practiced by me and my girl, I believe that a beautiful relationship will be possible, and an even more beautiful marriage. I believe that in a world that says, “Love is a hoax,” we can show that “Love is completely real.”
And I take this dream very seriously.
There are many with this dream who run high and low, searching for someone—anyone—to make this dream a reality. There was a time when I did this, and I paid for it dearly. Yet the experiences of my immature days have enabled me to come to understand what I want and do not want both in a girl and in a romantic relationship. Throughout my life I have dated five girls, each girl radically different than the others. I’ve had my heart broken, and I’ve broken hearts. I have been in God-honoring relationships and relationships that, in one way or another, did not honor God. I’ve realized that what I want, for example, is a girl with whom I can talk about everything and nothing for hours, a girl who will listen patiently—and patience is needed for this—to my rants and raves, a girl who will comfort me in my sadness and not complicate it. I’ve realized that I need a girl who will help me become a better person in Christ, and—less important but equally valid—a girl who will enjoy both my awkwardness and my pledged creepiness.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
But the focus—though unspoken—has always been upon ME.
These are valid questions—“What do I want? need?”—but their root is selfishness.
A better question would be: “What do I want to give?”
Relationships are often built upon self-fulfillment and self-satisfaction. “How can this person satisfy me financially, socially, physically?” is the unspoken question. We choose our friends, our significant others, and even our spouses with this logic. It is, by nature, selfish: “How can this person cater to my needs?” Of course, we won’t admit this. But we don’t have to: the skyrocketing number of divorces, even and especially within Christendom, are testaments to this fact.
The biblical portrayal of love is radically different than the oh-so-common ME, ME, ME! approach. Biblical love, as it is to be practiced and manifested in ALL relationships—from those with enemies to those with spouses—is characterized by selflessness, sacrifice, servitude, and submission. It is not an “easy” love—in the sense that it is not easy to cater to others’ needs rather than our own, in the sense that it is not easy to put our concerns behind the concerns of others—because we are culturally—and one might say even sinfully—programmed to be selfish. Yet this love, I believe, though hard, is strong, and it produces mutual honor, respect, and devotion when taken seriously by both parties involved.
Back to the question: “What do I want to give?”
A love that is selfless, sacrificial, self-denying, and submissive is manifested in GIVING. This is a true statement: great love is manifested in great giving, and this has been testified so violently and beautifully upon the cross. “What do I want to give?” There are no specifics in my answer. Love is not bound to specific situations: it is merely manifested in specific situations. All I know is that I want to be like Christ, in all arenas of my life, present and future, and this means GIVING. When it comes to a romantic relationship, it means giving up my own interests for her interests. It means giving up my energies and my time for her sake. It means possibly even giving up on my hopes and dreams in order to help her become a better woman in Christ. Ultimately, it is giving up myself for her. When self-denial—no, self-annihilation—is practiced by me and my girl, I believe that a beautiful relationship will be possible, and an even more beautiful marriage. I believe that in a world that says, “Love is a hoax,” we can show that “Love is completely real.”
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